You’re
STILL Wrong
or
Mykel's
Mykel's
October
2019 Blog/Column
Ewww,
cooties!
It’s
a particularly fierce beershit. Explosive... splashing down into the
toilet and splashing back up with the ferocity of Antifa at a Klan
march. Back up against my ass... my balls… running down the back of
my legs…. small brown rivulets.
It
must be the alcohol, because it burns like hell. My ass is an egg…
cracked open with massive scorching along the crack… from top to
bottom.
I
fold several pieces of toilet paper and sop up the dirty liquid
causing the pain. It works.. for 30 seconds. Then it comes back with
a flaming vengeance. Yeah, the explosion was a relief… but was it
worth the post-ecstatic pain? I feel the burn.
You
know what works? Anbesol. I know it’s called an orajel.
But
it’s the same “active-ingredient” as in Nupercainal, the stuff
made for your ass. It’s half the price and twice as effective. Just
a bit of sting in the application… then aaaah.
How
many people would use an oral drug on hemorrhoids? That’s dirty…
ewww… like a rim job… you can get cooties.
Cooties?
Do people even say that anymore? Do millennials even know what
cooties are? The Urban Dictionary associates them with a prohibition
of child gender mixing. Merriam-Webster says they’re head lice. I
grew up thinking that they were a mysterious life force… like a
“germ”… that you got if you touched anything “dirty.”
Though
the word may be lost, America… and much of the world… is infected
by a cooties-like notion of ICK.
Cooties
come from any body liquid… or excreted solid. They come from
toilets. From nostrils. They drip from penises… slip out of
vaginas. You get them from someone touching your food with their
skin… or from just touching the same THING someone else has
touched.
Capitalism,
in its inevitable way, has pushed cooties into the forefront of
people’s minds.
I
walk from Grand Central into the building that houses my school. In
front of the elevator is a Purell
dispenser. Purell
is some anti-cootie cream that, of course, when used on the skin,
kills the weakest cooties, insuring that only the strong survive and
reproduce. That way, they can invent NEW cootie lotion that will get
the stronger cooties and before long… make cooties even stronger
than that.
Why
is this lotion in front of an elevator? I can only guess that people
figure when they press the button for their floor, they’ll transfer
cooties from their fingers to the buttons. Then the next person will
catch those cooties. If everyone uses the Purell, the elevator
buttons will stay pristine and cootie-less for all riders.
For
some reason, feet
have an especially high number of cooties. New York, Channel 11 News
features a YouTube video of some guy on an airplane, swiping through
programs on the back of the seat in front of him. He’s using his
feet to swipe. We never get to see his face, or the rest of his body.
Eeeewww!
The newscasters grimace.
“You
know,” says the big one who looks like a heavyweight boxer. Black,
shaved head, tough. “I used to make fun of those people who rub
down the screens with sanitizing wipes… corner to corner… now I
can understand why.”
“I
agree,” says his somewhat sexy, somewhat Semitic co-host. “After
seeing that, I’m bringing my wipes on every flight.”
First,
we don’t know if the foot swiper even had arms. Many armless or
arm-paralyzed
people use their feet to do what other people do with their hands.
Eat, type, swipe videos. Check out Cynthia
Bloom
who has one functioning limb, and see what she can do with it. But
feet! That’s disgusting. Cooties.
Now
to get to the meat in the midst of the meat and potatoes. The biggest
cootie-spreaders is sex. Not only does sex have body fluids, it has
skin and pubic hair. Eeeeek. Cooties.
Cootiphobia--
especially sex cootiphobia-- is not limited to one political group,
gender or ideology. It is not limited to an age group, religion, or
race. The details are different, but the concept is the same.
For
Jews and Muslims, pork is UNCLEAN. Among Christians (and many other
Americans) jokes about sex or bodily functions are DIRTY. In Japan,
the room with the toilet (different from the room with the bath) is
DIRTY. You need to wear special slippers when you use the toilet room
and change them when you leave. That way, you don’t bring the dirty
toilet room into the clean rest of the house.
The
Japanese think that public snot-blowing… even if hidden from view
by a tissue… is disgusting. For them, it’s better to just snort
it back, and swallow than to blow it out.
Among
criminals… there lies a hierarchy of cootiphobia. Who occupies the
lowest position among criminals? The one where you’re beaten by
other inmates... where they shit in your bed…. where they shove
broomsticks up your ass. Murder? Dismemberment? Theft from the poor?
You bet your scrotum that’s not it. It’s SEX with children. Not
the murder of children, but SEX with them.
See?
Children are innocent… code for CLEAN. And sex is dirty. That’s
the worst.
As
I write this, I see a message in my gmail inbox:
See
what’s first? “Accused sexual predator”… not liar.
And one of the “lies” in the letter says:
LIE:
Kavanaugh claimed that "all the witnesses who were there say it
didn’t happen."But
Dr. Ford's friend Leland Keyser, one of those Dr. Ford says was
present, said she believes Dr. Ford's allegation.
Is
that a lie? A friend says “she believes the allegation.” That
contradicts a WITNESS? A witness is a person who SEES an event. Not a
person who believes someone else. My seventh grade English teacher is
not a WITNESS to my dog eating my brilliant paper on the relationship
of Charles Dickens to my up-coming Bar Mitzvah.
Those
who are honest call for Kavanaugh’s impeachment because he “pushed
his penis into a woman’s hand” at a frat party more than 2
decades ago. Eeeeew cooties. Even if it’s true… so what?
Though
it’ll probably limit my chances for future Supreme Court
appointment, right here I’ll admit it. I pushed my penis into a
woman’s hand while tripping on LSD... about 40 years ago... when I
was living in Chicago.
She
said, “No Mykel (it was actually Michael
then)”
and I withdrew the slimy bugger, rolled over, and tripped out looking
at the wallpaper.
Bill
Clinton, who, next to George W Bush, was the worst president of my
lifetime (except for maybe Harry Truman who dropped the atom bomb (a
DIRTY bomb) on Hiroshima and Nagasaki)
1.
Signed the Defense
of Marriage Act,
making gay marriage illegal.
2.
Signed the Welfare
Destruction Act,
making it illegal to receive welfare for more than two years, no
matter what your economic situation.
3.
Signed NAFTA, which
moved US factories to Mexico making things worse BOTH in the US (loss
of jobs) and Mexico (depression of wages).
4.
Allowed brokerage companies to take over banks, thereby leading to
the great crash. Protected money and risky money merged, meaning
there was no protected money
5.
Was a torture king: agreeing to “Extraordinary rendition.” That’s
when some government operatives stuffs a bag over your head and flies
you off to some foreign country where they can legally torture you.
Clinton and Gore agreed to the first rendition in the ’90s, despite
being aware that it breached international law.
6.
Was responsible for bombing the Chinese embassy in Kosovo and one of
only 3 pharmaceutical companies that existed in the Sudan. This
caused massive death and disease from lack of medication.
7.
Presided over the murder-by-incineration of several entire families
in Waco Texas.
Clinton
was impeached… Why? Because a woman named Monica Lewinsky gave him
a blowjob in the White House.
Eeeeew cooties!
He
was a monster, but impeached only because of a blowjob.
I
found a cartoon in The
Nation that
got it. The
shocking headlines are all COOTIES. The awful shit the government
does is… well, that’s what governments do anyway.
And
the headline in today’s USA TODAY is Millions
of Women’s First Sex Was Forced”
and the forced sex? 56% said they were “verbally pressured.”
The
author of the study says “any sexual encounter that occurs against
somebody’s will is rape.”
In
2019, “Oh baby, I need this sooo much. I love you. Please! Please!”
is rape! That’s crazy! It’s Victorian times again. Sex is DIRTY.
It’s got cooties. You need consent
to get cooties. And consent doesn’t even mean saying YES.
It means… I don’t even know what the fuck it means.
This
will go back and forth until the only politician who is cootie-free
enough to be elected will be Mike Pence. His wife is his mother, and
he keeps the door open when he’s with any other woman. But who
knows? Maybe even HE has maybe jerked off once… as a teen.
The
solution is clear. The way to get there isn’t. Right now, we still
need to shit and piss. But who knows? Medical research may find a
cure. Bidets can solve the problem of having to touch that dirty
business with your hands or a even a tissue. The super-cootiphobic
Japanese have invented a bidet that not only washes… but air-dries
the afflicted zone. No touch at all.
[NOTE:
One of many things I don’t get about Japanese culture is how clean
they are (a soaking bath every night) but also how dirty they are.
Bukkake is a Japanese word after all. Enjoying other cultures is part
of the joy of my life… and it gives the lie to THE WEST IS THE
BEST. Could a Western Country invent bukkake?]
Trump
isn’t right about much, but one think he IS right about is how
congress is using IMPEACHMENT to get things they can’t get through
using the vote. It’s not new. We’ve already seen it with Clinton…
The Republicans weren’t happy with Clinton… even though he was
the most right-wing Democrat since Andrew Jackson. But Clinton was
popular. A good old Southern boy who liked fried chicken and women.
How could they get rid of him? Impeachment on cootie grounds.
We’re
seeing it now with Judge Kavanaugh. We’ve seen it with Trump and
Stormy Daniels. This is Donald Trump… who puts kids in jails, has
turned the US from the nation having the greatest profit to the one
having the greatest debt… who has eliminated medical care for
hundreds of thousands (millions?)… who has pulled out of an
international climate agreement… in the midst of a climate crisis.
And what is his most evil act? Sex with a pornstar. What’s his most
evil pronouncement?
The
concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order
to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.
Nope.
Who remembers that? What everybody does know is:
Grab them by the pussy!
Grab them by the pussy!
Eeeewwww
cooties!
ENDNOTES:
[You can contact me on facebook
or by email at god@mykelboard.com.
Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music
or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137,
New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified
when anything new is available. Back blogs and columns are at
https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com.
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→Try
wiping your ass with your smartphone dept:
We’re coming to the end of the print era. The
Village Voice and
Maximum
Rock’n’Roll
have both met their ink and paper deaths. Between 1990 and 2016
newspaper employment declined to its lowest level since 1978. At
least 600 U.S newspapers have gone belly up since 2004.
Yeah,
I know that’s what old people do, complain about how things are
changing, but despite
my blogging, I really do love print. So I’m happy to report that
the great German zine ZAP will be returning from the digital grave to
PRINT. And, I hope, I’ll be having a column (in English) in that
zine. It will be different… more German oriented… than my blog.
Stay
tuned here for ordering information. Don’t try to Google it.
→
Didn’t
I already write this blog? dept:
If the content of this blog seems familiar, it’s because the
situation is familiar. Judge Roy Moore… notorious for placing a
monument to the 10 Commandments outside his courthouse. (Thou
shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass.) Lost
an election because he rubbed up against a girl WHILE HE WAS IN
HIGHSCHOOL! I wrote about this with the same ideas before. But the
world doesn’t change because I write about it. So I do it again.
→
But
there are no cooties dept: The
government is suing Edward Snowden for his publication of a book
revealing how the government has lied, and caused the deaths and
destruction of hundreds of people. Says the government, Snowden
signed a confidentiality agreement when he agreed to work for the US
Intelligence (sic) community. He has since violated that agreement.
The argument is similar to Stormy Daniels, who also signed a
confidentiality agreement, but violated it. Let’s wait until the
next election to see who gets more mention Snowden or Daniels. Want
to put $10 on it?
LINK
TRADE DEPARTMENT:
I
read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice
to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook
me or email
me
if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add
you. You add me.
Here's
a start:
And
another Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com
Poetry
and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The
Latency
And
my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He
cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's
Recipes.
Savage
Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing
for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains
that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.
Chris
Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS.
You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue
soon.
George
Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books
featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it
temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.
Let
me know if you have a blog… or a PRINT zine and want to be added to
the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine.
god@mykelboard.com
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