Mykel's Inauguration Speech or You're Still Wrong!... Blog for November 2024

 

Mykel's Inauguration Speech ! or Mykel's November 2024 Blog: YOU'RE STILL WRONG

You’re STILL Wrong
Mykel's

November 2024 Blog/Column

Mykel's Inauguration Speech

[This blog was written between October 15 and October 21, 2024. BEFORE the presidential election]

My fellow Americans:,

Thank you from the bottom of my dark little heart. I proudly accept your choice of me as the first official dictator of the United States of America. [pause for applause]

Besides to all of you, I’m giving credit for my victory to the new and fairest of election systems: The Unpopularity Vote. As you know, I ran for dictator as the unpopularity default candidate. And this year, as most years, the majority of qualified voters either voted for someone other than the “winning” candidate or did not vote at all. That means the winner is a loser and I have won the office. My first act will be to abolish it.

Presidents… except for Jimmy Carter… suck. The presidential system sucks. It cannot be reformed, so I have abolished it. As your new dictator, there will, of course, be big changes. I want to talk about some of them now.

My first action as dictator will be to abolish that fuckin’ song with bombs and rockets in it. All that flag waving and hand over heart stuff. It will be replaced by the great Clash classic: I’m So Bored With The USA. Of course, there will be a spelling change: I’m So BOARD With The USA.

But that’s not the only change that I, as your new dictator will put into place.

For example, it’s clear that a large number of Americans oppose gay marriage. And, as your dictator, I will do away with that. But I’m not one to follow a good idea only halfway. I will also do away with hetero marriage. No laws will be made requiring or legalizing marriage. No extra government benefits will be given to married people. Marriage certificates will not be issued by the government. Divorce, like marriage, will be the province of religion. Should we have legal documents for first catechisms or baptism? Let the church (or synagogue or mosque) do its job. It’s no business of the government.

Of course, if couples… or groups… want to be married as the religious act it is, they’re free to do so. I see no reason why any gender shouldn’t be able to perform this act with any other gender. Gay marriages will be like gay bar mitzvahs. If you’re interested, find the right guy or gal to perform the ceremony. And POW you’re married... for whatever that’s worth… to you. The government will not be involved.

One place where the government WILL be involved is in education. Everyone has the right and the duty to attend public school. Church schools, private schools, home schooling… POW! ALL GONE! At least all gone as institutions REPLACING public education.

If parents want to teach their kids about a giant purple cabbage they call God, they can do it… but not on OUR time. Public schooling allows kids to experience people different from themselves. Different races, nationalities, colors, genders, ways of thinking… Parochial schools only separate kids… by religion. Private (pay) schools separate kids by family income. That will end.

Schooling will mean meeting Sammy from Siam and checking out the goods on Maya from Malaysia. If you want to send your kids to Sunday school… do it on Sunday. If you want special tutoring on the weather changing conspiracy… hire someone OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL. But, from now on, all Americans will share a common history, a common knowledge, a common understanding of the world and of each other. That’s what school does-- or at least what it will do under the Board Reich. I don’t get religious school, but if you want the vagaries of another system, you can have it IN ADDITION TO public schools, not INSTEAD OF those schools.

And speaking of schools… of kids… of God… God has done some pretty fucked up things. She has condemned all of us to a deadly ending. She has strewn her favors unequally. She has created AIDS and Covid (if you believe). But one of the few GOOD things she’s done is to invent puberty. There is a reason 13-year old Jews say TODAY I AM A MAN/WOMAN. God knows when it’s time to fill in the pubic hair and sends biological messages when that time comes. We should respect those messages.

We should know too. Instead of completely arbitrary drinking/sex/voting ages, why not listen to God? Childhood ends when girls ovulate and boys can spill the seed. Kids can see movie super-heroes slaughter dozens at 13… but they can’t drink a beer? That will end NOW. Children will cease to be children on their 13^th birthday. Their full rights will be bestowed on them when nature says they should be bestowed.

And now, my fellow Americans, let me focus on the idiocy of this election. History will decide if it was won or lost because of “the border crisis,” with both sides “acting tough” on allowing people to step over some line in the desert.

Just as teachers learn from their students. Large countries should learn from smaller ones. This election may have been won or lost because of border crisis stupidity. How do you end a border crisis? Easy! End borders.

Take a look at this PowerPoint map. Check out the border between Germany, France, and Belgium. In the 1980s, I lived awhile near where all three countries come together… in a German town called Aachen. I could (and did) have breakfast in Germany, lunch in Holland and dinner in Belgium… and walked freely… no walls, no immigration officers, just a little road… from one country to the next.

That’s the way it should be here. Ronald Reagan famously said to Gorbachev TEAR DOWN THAT WALL. Well, I’m saying the same thing… no, not saying but doing. NO WALLS! Boardian Rights of Passage® makes people free to move wherever they like. Cross from Nogales Arizona to Nogales Mexico as easily as I cross from Manhattan to Hoboken. No passports, no ID, no visas… just do it. Get it? A dictator can make the world a freer place than any so-called elected official.

Thank you for your attention and for your support. Enjoy the free booze (over 13 years old only) and the free food. This election cycle has been long and grueling. Luckily, it has been the last ever.

The next problem is debt. Joey Biden wanted to free students from university debt. BFD! What about credit card debt? Housing debt? Medical debt?… Fuck it. It’s all gone. As of today: NOBODY OWES ANYTHING. All debt is canceled… abolished. We start from zero… and move toward a GREATER society where we stay at zero for as long as we live.

If you have money now, you can keep it… but take it out of the bank… in cash. In the great move to FULL UNEMPLOYMENT, banks will be among the first to go. How many useless people just sit around all day shifting ones and zeros from screen A to screen B? Why not free those people to make art, music, sports, or babies? Old bank buildings will just provide that much more space to house the homeless.

Yes, first we stop credit cards and other instruments of debt. Then we enforce price controls… limiting what we need to pay. Think of how many jobs we can get rid of… no banks… no stock exchanges… no mutual funds… It’s just crazy that the presidential idiots before me wanted to create full employment, when the goal should have always been full UNemployment. Imagine spending more than half your waking hours doing something you hate… and preparing for that… and getting to it and coming from it. You don’t have to imagine it… you’re probably already living it. It’s crazy… and we’ll end it as soon as we can.

After we rid ourselves of banks, let’s get rid of guns, bombs, fighter planes, aircraft carriers. What a bunch of worthless shit! Joe Biden knew that when he gave it away. His plan was to let the government pay the factories to make stuff that kills people. We don’t have to use it. We’re over that. Let others do it. People who kill people are the luckiest people in the world. We give them the tools. And help pay for them to do it. That ends now.

Yeah, we have some cultural changes to make. We need to stop praising veterans. The US has been on the wrong side of every war since WWII. And even in WWII our veterans committed some extreme atrocities… can you say Hiroshima and Nagasaki? 140,000 people smoked.

Veterans who “died for their country” are worshipped with their own national holiday… and those who made it out alive appear at home plate for baseball tributes. I say no. Instead of worshiping veterans, we should pity them. They are state-hired killers, most of whom do it in order to earn enough money tos live. Movies and TV portray them as heroes. The real heroes are those who refuse to fight.

During the Vietnam war, the government found that citizens don’t like seeing their kids returning from war in body bags. Joe Biden was smart enough to figure out how to keep building tanks and bombs… and giving them away for OTHER PEOPLE to fight wars… passing the body bags on to other countries and other fighting people. When armyless people fight back in the only way they can, they’re labeled terrorists. Is death by a plane flown into a building any less death than death by bombs falling from a plane flown overhead? Under the Board dictatorship, planes will be used to carry people and goods from place to place… that’s all. Tanks will be converted to rural/roadless food delivery trucks.

The death industry will itself die. Machine guns will be changed into industrial bolt setters. NATO will become a free trade zone… and free will mean FREE. FREE means you don’t pay! The ultimate goal is a free society, where you don’t pay for anything.

We already spoke about an end to passports, borders and WALLS. But where do we put all those people who want to escape from the climate change or criminal culture the US created in their country in the first place. We need thousands of buildings to house these people. Yeah, we’ll already have the banks, but that won’t be enough. Where can win find houses for thousands of others?

Yo, buckaroos...We have them already. Imagine hundreds of buildings wasted on people who don’t want to be there. No, I’m not talking about factories and offices. Those will ALSO be eliminated under the Boardian doctrine. Now I’m talking about prisons. You know, someone steals a wallet from Mr. Richguy. What is the resulting revenge? He loses his home if he has one. His job if he has one. He is confined in some hellish place, fed bad food, and when he gets out has no place to go and no money to live on except what he can steal from the next Mr. Richguy.

Jails must end… be turned into decent housing for anyone who needs housing. Right now the US has a higher percentage of incarcerated people than any other country in the world. Over a million and a quarter Americans are in prison. How do we end this? By ending prisons, obviously. How do we end cash robbery, internet scams, bank theft? By ending money, obviously.

I spoke about the need to create a society with full unemployment. How do we achieve that? First we cancel debt... that means stopping credit cards and other instruments of debt. Then we enforce price controls… limiting what we need to pay. But there’s more.

Right now the top 4 percent of Americans make as much money as the bottom 51%. And that’s just in wages. It doesn’t count investment income. If we want a country where equality counts, the fastest way to achieve it is to end the grossest inequality! That means ending money. How could we be the land of the free if we have to pay for everything? Again I’ll say it: Free means you don’t pay!

[applause]

See you in hell,
MB

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

→ By The Time You Read This dept: The 2024 election will be over by the time you read this. Whoever won, we lost. I expect the wars to continue with our bombs and dollars. I expect the rich to get richer and the poor to go to jail. I expect a continuation of identity politics, created (successfully) to divide people instead of bringing them together in the fight against the rule of money. Sorry, I don’t have a Greenland address… yet.

→ I Never Support A Winner dept: This year, as I have in the past several elections, I will have cast my presidential vote for Sid Yiddish. Thanks to our great electoral system, in New York, the only time a Democrat loses is when it doesn’t make any difference to the final ballot. For most of you suckers, if the one you voted for loses… you’ll be angry. If the one you voted for wins… you’ll be disappointed. Me? I won’t have that problem.

→ In case you didn’t get it dept: “Anarchism is democracy taken seriously.” is a great quote that I can’t find a source for. If you see tendencies of Bob Black anarchism and Marshall Tito dictatorship in my victory speech, you see right. You can read about some good dictators right here and you can read Bob Black for yourself here.

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

LINKS

I did a nice interview with The Aither zine. Interesting questions, complete, and questions I’ve never been asked before. You can read it here. It’s a good one.

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

Here’s Ricardo Wang with a “micro-label” in Seattle “specializing in 8-track tapes and CDs. WOW! Check out one of their label staples: The Dead Air Fresheners.

Also on bandcamp: My very long time faves in NYC, the BLACKOUT SHOPPERS. Featuring pals Seth and possibly the next vice-president of the US

Sid Yiddish has posted a video of a show done for WZRD in Chicago. Great live performances, and if you catch the video around the 20+ minute point you might see a familiar face doing the lyrics to his songs (some unrecorded) as poetry. You’ll find it here.

And this sounds right up Sid’s alley. The Bilderberg Jazz Arkestra on Bandcamp!

Eric Grayson has an online music review zine, Sobriquet. Full pictures of the sleeves too! Something missing from too many zines. Sometimes you CAN judge a… er… book… by its cover.

Steen Thomsen is a Dane I’ve known ever since Lincoln was shot. I put his band THE ZERO POINT on the great WORLD CLASS PUNK Cassette for ROIR. It must be worth a mint now. I don’t have any left, I’m afraid. You can (and should) connect to the Zero Point on facebook. Tell ‘em Mykel’s blog sent you.

Sorry Dorothy, we are STILL in Kansas. And it’s as weird as OZ. Check out Bob Cutler’s DISTOPEKA.

You already know Murder & Mayhem zine… those guys who did the Mykel Board centerfold. (No genitals shown… and probably for the better.) Their online version is here.

The Clean Boys from Denmark are also longtime friends of mine. In Denmark we recorded as _{The Bend-over Boys}. Only one 10-inch available… but at least now I can say I have a 10-incher!

Finally, for this month, Margaret O’Brian asked me to include the site: anti-war.com They seem to be folks after my own heart.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com

Mykel’s Post-MRR Blog

Number ??? July 2019

Johnny Pissoff vs 
Mykel Pissed-Off

by Mykel Board

FLASH TO 1968: The Fugs release one of their greatest albums: It Crawled Into My Hand, Honest. On that album is a song called Johnny Pissoff Meets the Red Angel. I don’t really understand what it’s about, but I love the name. Johnny Pissoff! I can see him… dressed in black… wearing a fedora-- like Dick Tracy… walking into any room… just his personality making people clench their fists and want to get up and leave.

FLASH TO MARCH 2019: The facebook message comes from some guy named Gary. I never met him in person, and don’t know anything about him… except he likes NO FX, “but I never wear shorts.”

Hi Mykel, starts the message, your columns lately, I donno, they seem like retreads. I’ve been reading you since like 1942, so I guess I’ve got more on you than most. But what I want to know is what is it like being Mykel Board. I mean, what are your days like. What do you do in ordinary time, when people are just driving to work or walking down the street? These days, you just write about politics, but I can get that anywhere. Please, Mykel, be punk again.

FLASH TO JUNE 2019: My long-term pal and Jersey Beat editor, Jim Testa, is talking to me. Jim has become a regular at our salon at the Algonquin... with Dorothy Parker. Dorothy is quieter than she’s known for being. It might have something to do with being dead. The rest of us take up the slack.

Mykel, says Jim, your columns lately, I donno, they seem like retreads. I’ve been reading you since 1942, so I guess I’ve got more on you than most.

“Okay Jim,” I answer. “I’ve heard this before. What do you want? You want me to be punk again?”

“No Mykel,” he says. “I want you to surprise me.

Wow! An interesting pair of messages… and honest too. I guess I HAVE been just treading beer lately. So maybe I should chronicle a day or two in my life. Maybe that’d be punk enough for Gary…. and surprise Jim.

But allow me one paragraph of opinion.

OPINION: Fat asses never look good on guys. On gals, they’re unpleasant when they bulge from the sides, like a deformed peach. They work wonders when they protrude from the back, coming out 3-D like one of those Gambian koras-- an instrument that look as beautiful as it sounds. Those master-asses make you want to nestle your face between the folds, and dig your pink oral organ deep… forcing the sphincteral flesh to tighten around your eager tongue.

FLASH TO MOST ANY DAY ON A NYC SIDEWALK: The three young women walking slowly ahead of me all have the width-- not the depth.

The cliché is that it’s only the tourists who creep along NYC streets...the time-obsessed locals maneuvering behind them… trying to pass to get wherever the fuck they need to go.

That’s not true in 2019. It’s not only tourists. It’s every one with a fuckin’ cellphone who walks slowly on the NYC streets. And here are three of them… walking ass to ass… leaving no sidewalk space to get by.

I come up behind them.. breathing loudly… panting. It doesn’t help. Their ears are plugged white with some Apple doodad that frees them from the responsibility to watch where and how they’re going.

I rest my hands on the nearly touching shoulders of the two girls closest to the street. I press slightly… to separate them.

They turn towards me… simultaneous what the fuck expressions on their too-made-up faces.

“You left half an inch for someone to pass,” I say. “If you spread out just a bit more, you can have the sidewalk completely blocked.”

The three girls shirk back, as if I’d asked them to look at my penis.

I pass between ass number two and ass number three and continue walking.

On the subway now, I stand, having given my seat to some geezer even older than I am. It’s only a 20- minute ride anyway. I can read my H. L. Mencken standing up.

“GRAND CENTRAL STATION!”

Time to get off the train.

The doors open. The crowd outside the steps forward. Two guys in particular, both young… jockish… wearing almost identical blue business suits… one with a navy tie with Greek letters… the other a black tie with small yellow polka dots…. push their way into the car before those of us leaving can leave.

WAIT! I shout at them.

They turn to look at me.

“Fuck you,” says the one with the Greek letters on his tie.

They’re the kind of macho muscled men that give both Wall Street and heterosexuality a bad name.

“Look,” I say, “Just because you can get married now, doesn’t mean you have the right to push people around.”

I watch his eyebrows come together until he figures out what I’m talking about. By then, I’m outta there.

FLASH AHEAD: The scene is K-Mart. I’m here to buy a cheap alarm clock. Mine broke when I was trying to set it while drunk., It slips from my hand… plunges from my sleeping loft to the hard wood floor below… smashes to plastic shards. I’m here to buy a new one. My self-imposed spending limit is $10.

A colored girl, in a red and white t-shirt is patting the blankets at the bottom of the escalator.

“Excuse me, Miss.” I say, “could you tell me where the clocks are?”

“I don’t fuckin’ work here,” she shoots back. “And I’m a MISSES, not a miss.”

She huffs off and I feel like shit.

I wander the aisles looking for clocks. A guy in a suit… light grey with fine black lines through the material… bright white shirt... a black tie with LV and those kind of symbols all over it in brown. I didn’t take a picture of him, but I found a similar one on the internet:

He’s in his early 20s with one of those haircuts that you see on posters for BUSINESS SOLUTIONS. carefully parted, trimmed-- like he gets a haircut every day… one lock precisely dripping on the forehead, saying I’m suave. He reminds me of a slightly more sophisticated version of those two guys who pushed past me on the subway.

No idea what he’s doing here. Maybe he wants to see how the 99% live. Maybe he’s just getting a snack for the train to Scarsdale.

I walk over to him and tap him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, Mister” I say. “Could you tell me where the clocks are?”

I wish I had a picture of the look of horror in his eyes. But it makes my day… certainly makes up for the faux pas with the red t-shirt girl-- at least in my Johnny Pissoff mind.

LUNCH TIME: Flash to SWEETGREEN… an awful vegetable-oriented (pleonasm?) restaurant. They billboard advertise all over the city with close-up pictures of teens with something green stuck between their teeth. I’m eating here because I feel I SHOULD. I don’t want to die from lack of lettuce.

I’ve got my salad ordered at the counter. Someone mixes a bunch of green stuff together and hands it to me. In order to make it half-palatable, I ask her to throw in some chicken. Maybe I mishear, but I could swear the salad makes a TSK TSK when I ask for the chicken.

I carry the bowl of salad from the counter to the cashier… who looks a lot like the woman I mistook for a K-Mart sales lady. She rings it up. “That’ll be $14.85,” she says.

I fix my face in a way that tries to show I’m used to paying $14.85 for a salad. I pull a twenty from my wallet.

“I’m sorry,” she says, looking not sorry at all, “we only accept Visa, Mastercard, or American Express.”

“What the fuck?” I say, finally losing it. “I have 8 credit cards here, but I’m not going to give you one! You know what credit card only means? It means that new immigrants who don’t have bank accounts yet can’t buy your $14.85 salad. It means that people on the lam from ICE… people who don’t want to leave a paper trail… can’t buy your $14.85 salad. it means that people who hate banks, who don’t want every transaction to be processed for a fee that goes to Chase or Citibank can’t buy your $14.85 salad. It means that cash, paper currency LEGAL TENDER (I speak those words in capital letters) is no good in your shop. I’m outta here.

I walk out, leaving my $14.85 salad on the counter.

Sometimes, I wonder what it is that creates the need to piss people off. Of course, that’s what punk is all about, but punk didn’t create the need. It WAS CREATED by that need. As time passes and the facebook world makes is easier and easier to piss off and be pissed off… the world does not get any punker.

Of course, those of us who live in America live under the punkest president ever… but-- even then-- I’m still not sure I get the whole thing. I’d like to look at it up close. Examine piss-offedness under a microscope. What is it? What does it do? Are there different kinds of piss-offedness? Is there good piss-offedness and bad piss-offedness?

Ben Weasel, who is no slouch when it comes to pissing people off, once said that I don’t intentionally try to piss people off. It is simply the fact, says he, that I so strongly believe in what I do, that the inevitable result is people getting pissed off. Those aren’t his exact words, but the meaning is close enough.

I donno.

I don’t try to piss off people… at least not people who are poor or those who have enough of the world against them already: cripples, the chronically depressed, those working shit jobs for shittier wages, the homeless. Sometimes, though, I can’t help it. That cashier in Sweetgreens was probably a minimum wage working poor. I wish there were a way I could piss off SWEETGREEN without pissing off the poor shlubs who work there. Let me know if you find one.

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email to god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: 

Mykel Board
POB 137
New York, NY 10012-0003.

If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Subscribe to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group: 

readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

-→Shoot if you’re sad to be gay dept: Philippine President Duterte made a speech to Philippine expats in Japan. In that speech he said that he “used to be gay” but cured himself with the help of several beautiful women. After his marriage, Duterte said “I hate handsome men… and now prefer beautiful women.”

→Forty Days Dept: This Week magazine reports that the owners of a full-scale replica of Noah’s Ark are suing their insurance company for rain damage. The arc is connected with the notorious Kentucky “Creation Museum.” The owners claim they didn’t get enough money for the damage suffered by the arc from recent “heavy rains.” I have no comment-- except a smiley face-- on this one.

→Fact is funnier than fiction dept: Congressman Devin Nunes filed a $250 lawsuit against Twitter for making fun of him. The reason? A tweet said “the Nunes cow” was “udderly worthless and it’s past time to mooove him to prison.” In 2017, Nunez Nunes co-sponsored a law called the “Discouraging Frivolous Lawsuits Act.” It did not pass.

→ Pimp yourself dept: I’m rebuilding my LINK CONNECTION database. If you have a cool blog, or newsletter, or something else with a URL, let me know (even if you’ve already done so). You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. If I like it, I’ll link to it and let you know. Then you link to mine and I’ll link to yours. It’ll give us both two extra points in the Google search engine. Send the link via email to god@mykelboard.com

See you in hell,
MB