You’re STILL Wrong
or
Mykel's
AUGUST 2026 Blog/Column
by Mykel Board
-DAR! (2nd Edition)
Your gaydar can't leap over buildings in a single bound like Superman.
– - Nora Roberts
I wish I had gaydar. I wish it were something you could pick up in a store.
– Sara Farizan
I often confuse my gaydar with
my overpowering pleasebegaydar.
– anonymous post on Reddit
[NOTE: In this blog, some
names were changed to protect my ass. Also, my best
friend, Zee, pointed out that a couple years ago I had ANOTHER blog
that covered the same topoic. That one was depressing. This
one has a… er… happy ending.]
I stand in front of The Ninth Circle… It’s 1974. I’m talking with my friend Emma, The Ninth Circle is a gay-ish bar started by Mickey Ruskin in the 60s. It attracts a young hip crowd of any gender you can imagine. The denizens of older gay bars (that we called wrinkle bars in the 70s) called the bar The Ninth Grade. Last week, I saw Lou Reed playing pinball there. He wasn’t very friendly. Now, I see a girl, t-shirt, jeans, her hair slightly bushy with curls that just droop down over the forehead…. Concentration camp thin… with slip-on sneakers like The Ramones wear.
“You like her, don’t you Mykel?” asks Emma. “Right up your alley, huh?”
“She’s just my type.” I answer. “I’d like to be right up HER alley.”
Emma shakes her head. “Mykel, she’s a dyke.”
“How do you know?” I whine. “You haven’t laid her, have you?”
Emma snorts a laugh. “It’s
GAYDAR, Mykel.” she says, “You can just sense it.”
“I
can’t sense it,” I answer and then learn that there is this
quality some people have. They can sense… get a vibe... about
someone’s sexuality. Emma is so good, I can sit on a park bench
with her and point to strangers in the distance.
“Gay… straight… bi… can be persuaded… gay… gay… hasn’t decided yet.” She’s amazing.
I learn about GAYDAR… and the fact that I don’t have it… in the early 70s. Then there was Rosa. This was later in the 70s. She worked as a clerk at Scribners, the same bookstore I (and Patti Smith) did. Every Monday, Rosa would regale us with her weekend sex adventures.
“I can hardly walk,” she says. “That guy… the skinny, slightly femmy one with long hair. He’s hung like a giraffe! I didn’t think I could make it… and it was a struggle. Everyone in the building must’ve heard me scream in pain… and pleasure. He was Sunday night. Friday I had my usual snuggle with Tracy. No pain there… but I did squirt.”
“So you must have GAYDAR,” I say. “Some way to see if it’s worth coming on to girls… or femmy guys.”
“I don’t have gaydar,” says Rosa. “I have LAYdar. I don’t know or care what they call themselves as long as I’m right there between the legs. And I know when I’ve got the chance.”
Me? That’s another one I lack. People who know me know my tastes are skinny pretty femmy boys and tough butch girls. But which of them would go for me? I can’t tell.
I’m at CBGBs with Stephen. This was still back when they had tables and chairs. At the next table is a young guy wearing a black leather jacket. I talk with him… mainly about music… for a half hour or so. When I ask, “What are you doing later?” He frowns. I turn back to Stephen and fake interest in the band on stage. The next day, I pass Stephen on the Bowery. He walks up to me and shakes his head.
“Mykel,” he says. “How
come you didn’t go home with that guy at the next table? He was
jonesin’ to get a sniff of your crotch.”
“I didn’t
know!” I answer, struggling to hold back the tears. “I thought he
wasn’t interested.”
“You’re an idiot!” says
Stephen.
“No,” I answer. “It’s just that I have
no LAYdar!”
And there’s more: Last week, my nephew Kirk was staying with me. He spent three nights on my couch and provided the perfect excuse to go out every night and get soused at my favorite bars.
First night: the Peculier Pub… a bar I’ve been going to since my days at NYU. Everyone who works there knows me. When I walk in, Pedro, the bouncer, pulls out his cellphone to show me pictures of the new kid… now in transition from baby to toddler. It’s like we’re both in the same family.
The Peculier is where I have
Drink Club every Thursday. If you’re in town, join us. Check out
https://drinkclubnyc.org for
more details.
Next night is the Bleecker Street Bar…
No, it’s not on Bleecker Street… used to be… but it moved
around the corner onto Broadway. There are lots of TVs here, and it’s
a horror show if there’s some dumb sports event. But it’s usually
quiet on Sunday through Wednesday… after 9 or 10. Adam, our
currently favorite bartender is a Hawaiian Jew who flies to Las Vegas
once a month to visit his mom. I usually give him ten bucks to put on
number 11 on the nearest roulette wheel… okay… a Hawaiian Jewish
bartender who, by the way, doesn’t drink alcohol… maybe a smart
move for a bartender.
Somehow Kirk and Adam connect over movies, not only talking about oldies, but who were the actors and what clothes were they wearing. How Adam and Kirk connected was some kind of FILMdar that I’m not part of. But moreso, the fact that each of them would know the other would be interested… without first talking about it… is an example of the kind of vibe connection that -dar is made of… and another one I miss.
And speaking of film, my latest bar and the last I went to with Kirk… at least on this trip… is called WIDE SHUT. It’s in a basement on Houston Street. I discovered it strolling down the street and noticing a GOOSE ISLAND truck parked in front of what looked like an ordinary set of concrete steps leading down. Over the door down there WIDE SHUT BAR was painted. On one side of the sign it said CHEAP BEER… on the other side it said PUNK ROCK. Do you need anything else?
I take Kirk there because I love the place… am friends with the bartenders… and because of the narrow layout… it encourages patrons to sit next to strangers and start random conversations with them. I remember a great conversation between me, a very collegiate looking black guy, and his white vaguely Italian girlfriend. The topic? Guys in dresses.
One of my few embarrassments is admitting that I’ve never worn a dress. Yeah, me… Mr. Rebel… Mr. anti-customary… anti-normalcy… the other side of the usual… THAT me… has never worn a dress. I asked the guy with the girlfriend if he’s ever worn a dress.
He nods. “Yeah, I wanted to show that I could do it. That I’m not special in a dress. I’m just Sam in a dress.”
The conversation continues with Ben the Bartender cutting in occasionally to talk about the times HE’s worn a dress.
Tonight, it’s back at WIDE SHUT with Kirk.
“Hi Ben,” I say to the bartender as we walk in. “This is Kirk, my nephew.” They shake hands.
“Two cheap beers and two free shots?” asks Ben.
I nod and laugh.
As usual on a non-weekend night, there are only a few people sitting at the bar. One is an attractive butch girl wearing hillbilly overalls over a t-shirt. On her head is a white painter’s hat with SHERWIN-WILLIAMS on the front... in big black letters.
“Are you a real professional?” I ask… “professional painter I mean.”
She frowns. I point to the hat. She laughs.
“Thrift shop.” she answers.
“Here you guys are,” says Ben, coming over with the two $6 Genesee pints and two free shots of Jim Beam.
While I belly up to the bar to retrieve the drinks, Kirk continues to talk to the girl. The two of them laugh at something before Kirk comes back to the bar, sits next to me and starts downing his drink(s).
“His name is Bee,” says
Kirk. “It’s short for Bri… or something like that.”
“Did
you invite her to Drink Club on Thursday?” I ask him.
“Her?” He says. “Uncle Mickey… that’s a guy.”
Oh no! Another one! GENdar… I have no GENdar. In these days, where every single he or she is a they, that might not be such a bad disability. People who know me know I don’t have a partner preference between guys and gals. But it would be useful to know what I’m getting into… or what is getting into me.
Just like my last obsession about never having worn a dress. I’ve been talking to friends about -DARs. It seems I have none. AGEdar, CHRONdar (recognizing the order of events), ETHNIdar and its relative JEWdar… none of them. I found I could turn some other of my inabilities into DARs. For example lack of GEOdar will explain my not having a sense of direction.
When I proposed a -DAR list on a facebook post, I was told of DRUNKdar and HIGHdar (gummies), Someone suggested PAYdar… that is the ability to tell whether a person who borrows money from you will pay it back. Then there’s LOONdar. Is that guy over there on his cellphone or just blabbing to himself?
Someone else proposed SAYdar. The vibe that tells you not to use certain language or talk about certain things in front of some people. The red fingerprints on my cheek show that I lack that one too. Another one I liked is SHMUCKdar… which is self-explanatory. Even the goyim know a shmuck when they see one… but sometimes, I’m stymied.
As a side-but-related note, I should tell you about two of my local heroes. I may have written about this before, but my lack of AGAINdar keeps me unaware of repeating myself. My non-AGAINdar keeps me unaware of repeating myself.
Two of my local heroes here in NYC are the kings of England aka Edward and George. I met them when I was supposed to have a Drink Club near the start of the COVID panic. I got a big table outside the Peculier... sat there and waited for the crew… NO ONE showed up. Official start time: 8:32. 9:15?10:00? NO ONE.
Sitting at another table, I see these two old guys (so they looked to me). They are laughing, gesturing, slapping each other’s shoulder… drinking beers one after the other. A walker is parked against a table leg. As a fellow old guy… probably somewhere in the middle of their two ages... I wish I were part of their fun. I walk over to their table.
“Hello,” I say, “I am Drink Club. No one has shown up tonight and I’m by myself. Can I sit with you? My name is Mykel.”
“I’m George,” says George.
“I’m Ed,” says Ed… standing and grabbing a chair from another table. “Have a seat.”
Through that evening… between the jokes… I learn that George and Ed are a couple. George was 89. Ed was 68. They live near me… and they are my heros. Old and happy and in a relationship that has lasted a hell of a long time. In 2025, I’m invited to their 40th anniversary. 40 years together… Who can do that in the twenty-first century? Most couples are lucky if they last a weekend.
At that party, there’s a mix of ages, genders, orientations… I complain out loud about my lack of DARness.
“You’re lucky, Mykel.”
says a young man. “No DAR means no baggage. It’s like being a
recurrent virgin. You treat people like people… not man-people or
woman-people or straight people or gay people. Each person is new…
an adventure… someone you get to know as a person… not someone
you put in a mental box with others who are “the same.” I wish I
could do that.”
I kiss him.
See
you in hell,
Mykel Board
ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE TO THE BLOG in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]
–> REVENGEDAR DEPT: As I write this, the first prosecutions of ICE agents are taking place. The usual crew cheering the possibility of murder trials of men charged with shooting innocent people in pursuit of immigrants. As usual, the code words for revenge is hold accountable. Come on. The trial of agents gives legitimacy to the whole kit and caboodle. It’s not the individual ICE cubes who are the problem. It’s the problem of ICE in the first place. As the Japanese say, Fix the problem, not the blame. But no, it’s much easier to throw some guy in jail for revenge and keep the problem.
–> THREATDAR DEPT: My pal Dawn found a story about some people who let two strangers stay with them. It turns out the strangers were both wanted for violent crimes. Dawn suggested the hosts lacked FEARdar, but that would mean they can’t tell if the other person is afraid or not. It’s a great concept, but I’d suggest THREATdar... the skill is identifying a threat in another person, not identifying their fear. Whichever... it’s an important -DAR that I lack. Those strangers I don’t invite to my bed, I invite to my couch on our first meeting. The landlord’s not too happy about that... Once I got bedbugs.
–> SCAMDAR DEPT: I clicked on the BeenVerified link (https://www.beenverified.com/) to see if I was owed any money (back tax refunds, record/book royalties, the prostate settlement, etc.) After filling out a few forms (no financial records asked for, no social security number) the website pretends to do a search. Showing several screens with a green filling-in search line. THEN they ask for money.
Not much, just enough to get your bank or paypal account number.
BEEP BEEP BEEP... SCAMDAR!!! If they had been legit, they would have been up-front on the money requirement. Only AFTER they pretend to do their internet search do they ask. I had already given them my email address, age, and state... but as soon as they asked for “a small fee through your bank or PayPal... BINGO! FUCK YOUI… good bye. I guess I do have ONE Dar... sort of.
–> SID’S GOT IT
DEPT: Thanks to Sid Yiddish for sending me this link. It’s
great to find out people know what they’re good for:
–>AHH SADNESS DEPT: I’m sure you’ve heard by now. The great contrarian and shit-stirer, Jim Goad, has kicked the bucket. For the last few years, I talked to Jim by phone at his home with his wife in the Southwest. Our conversations lasted for more than an hour. Jim would often talk about his wife who has to work to support the two of them… and his autistic son who has never spoken a word in his life. Jim complained about his poor health, and physical condition. “Mykel, I look like Frankenstein now.” He’d often talk about suicide. It’s likely he went through with it. Details haven’t been officially published… but, in any case, I’ll miss the guy.
See you… and Jim… in hell,
redux
MB
LINKS
My pal since before you were born, Julien Nitzberg, wrote a show on TUBI. I's a Breaking Bad parody called Breaking Bear. You can watch it for free if you have access to TUBI. It's so good I'm shocked they allow it on TV. You can see a YouTube trailer at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIr0coo0Hts&t=6s
I’m happy to present the art of Sarah Thobe… who paints personalities as part of her portraits. Check her out at https://sarathobe.com/.
And it was great to hear from my very long-time friend, Fred Lonberg-Holm. Celloman extraordinaire. You can hear him at https://fredlonberg-holm.bandcamp.com/album/the-return-of
Anthony Allen Begnal asked me to mention his Hardcore Conversation You Tube channel, and I’m happy to do so here.
Longtime scene/zinester Robb Roemershauser has restarted the Above Ground Zine Library. The Zine library doesn’t yet have an address at the location but, feel free to donate zines that you no longer want to the Aboveground Zine Library 2100 Sawmill Road Apt. 22-202, New Orleans, LA 70123. The Zine library will be located in the upper 9th ward on a busy street.
My pal Matt Sheahan says: You can link to my website - www.matthewsheahan.com or my Substack - https://politenewyorker.substack.com/ . Matt is a great musician and very funny guy.
My Kenyan pal, Albert Melody shares a facebook adventure in one of those great Kenyan national parks. Guess who he shared the adventure with!!! You can read about it here. Albert also has a blog at: Albertomelody.blogspot.com
Teddy Labato has a “lo-fi noise” link to his band Check it out.
It’s
About Time dept: Finally,
a book about Hungarian Punk put out by Puke
and Vomit records.
Great scene there and I was glad to have contact with bands
like Der Trottel and Tizedesz. Glad to have been a (very small) part
of that scene.
Zine fans can find my list of old
stuff that I want to get rid of here.
Here
are some other contacts to make:
Teddy Lobato’s band can be found at ://www.facebook.com/THEBASSMANsPSYCHEDELICNOISE
Karl
De Winton sent me a link to his bandcamp DJ stuff.
https://share.google/5sTnXjgMkFbiWQvzA
NSFW…
but that depends on your job.
Dan Hetrick asked me “How 'bout us punk rawk programmers?” And offers http://merk.chat Free chat for the people!
I’ve talked about Bob Cutler before. But he has more to offer than DYSTOPEKAhttps://chrometuna.com/ https://theklusterfux.com
Riot
Division makes its musical offering at:
https://www.facebook.com/riotdivision
Barstool Revolution Zine is on facebook athttps://www.facebook.com/people/Barstool-Revolution-Zine/61557909822199/
Rina Borei shows off her inflatable Octopus on Instagram at: @oona.frost
Jim Testa, friend, journalist, editor, musician and wordsmith, (he appears in this post) has an interesting substack about music and more. You can find it here.
Sid Yiddish sent me this link to all his videos. It’s a great place to start, especially if you don’t know him.
I did a nice interview with The Aither zine. Interesting questions, complete, and questions I’ve never been asked before. You can read it .here It’s a good one.
Here’s Ricardo Wang with a “micro-label” in Seattle “specializing in 8-track tapes and CDs. WOW! Check out one of their label staples: The Dead Air Fresheners, best band name of the year.
Also on bandcamp: My very long time faves in NYC, the BLACKOUT SHOPPERS. Featuring pals Seth and possibly the next vice-president of the US
Sid Yiddish has posted a video of a show done for WZRD in Chicago. Great live performances, and if you catch the video around the 20+ minute point you might see a familiar face doing the lyrics to his songs (some unrecorded) as poetry. You’ll find it here.
And this sounds right up Sid’s alley. The Bilderberg Jazz Arkestra on Bandcamp!
Eric Grayson has an online music review zine, Sobriquet. Full pictures of the sleeves too! Something missing from too many zines. Sometimes you CAN judge a… er… book… by its cover.
Steen Thomsen is a Dane I’ve known ever since Lincoln was shot. I put his band THE ZERO POINT on the great WORLD CLASS PUNK Cassette for ROIR. It must be worth a mint now. I don’t have any left, I’m afraid. You can (and should connect to the Zero Point) connect to the Zero Point on facebook. Tell ‘em Mykel’s blog sent you.
Sorry Dorothy, we are STILL in Kansas. And it’s as weird as OZ. Check out Bob Cutler’s DISTOPEKA.
You
already know Murder & Mayhem zine… those guys who did the Mykel
Board centerfold. (No genitals shown… and probably for the better.)
Their online version is here.
The
Clean Boys
from
Denmark are also longtime friends of mine. In Denmark we recorded as
The
Bend-over Boys.
Only one 10-inch available… but at least now I can say I have a
10-incher!
Finally, for this month, Margaret O’Brien asked me to include the site: anti-war.com They seem to be folks after my own heart. I’m glad they didn’t call it “anti-defense.”
Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.
Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. mykelboard@gmail.com
