Friday, January 01, 2021

The Antidote for Depression (Mykel's Jan 2021 Blog)

 

It's The Economy Stupid!
 (Mykel Board's Jan 2021 Blog)

 YOU'RE STILL WRONG.. 


MYKEL'S JAN. 2021 BLOG
OR
THE USS HOLLY WOODLAWN

by Mykel Board

Do not write to be liked. Write to be remembered.

Chuck Palahniuk


People ask me to predict the future, when all I want to do is prevent it.

– Ray Bradbury


I sit at the desk against the side wall in my apartment. I stand up. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. I walk from one room to the other, forgetting why I’m walking… what I wanted… what I was doing before I came into this room. I walk into another room. The same thing happens. My apartment has 1 room.

I suffer itch attacks… as if there were an insect flying around, biting at random… my forehead, my ankle, my left testicle… places where an insect cannot bite… unless there’s a crew of them… invisible to my (cabin) fever-addled brain.

It’s December 19th. Yesterday was the last day of Chanukah. By the time this is posted, it’ll be 2021. A million virtual people will toast their virtual champagne in virtual Times Square. By the time you read this, Donald Trump will have unsuccessfully proved that the election was stolen and his waterbed illegally removed from the Whitehouse.

The side effects of the COVID vaccine will be obvious to everyone ordering extra masks for the second head now growing from their shoulders. That head, is not immune to the plague. It will need a vaccine of its own. It is not yet known if that head will grow yet another head needing another vaccine.

The anti-Trumpers, who, until now, refused to give the guy credit for his Operation Warp Speed logistic miracle, now do not refrain from giving him blame on moving too fast as the vaccine-created mutant numbers rise daily.

I chuckle at the developments.

FLASH TO NOW… WHAT PASSES FOR REALITY: I’ve got a wedding in South Carolina in January…. currently a hotbed of new cases. My genealogist tells me it’s my first cousin once removed who’s getting hitched. It’s not a real wedding. It’s a reenactment of a virtual wedding that took place over the internet. I expect they don’t want virtual gifts at this one.



In June, I’ve got another wedding… in Pennsylvania... this one a niece. It too, is a reenactment.

Then in the fall, go to Kenya… my first trip to East Africa. I need to get away soooo bad! Far away.

FLASHBACK TO THE FUTURE: Within the first few months of 2021, scientists will discover that the side effects of the COVID vaccines are contagious. That means we’ll have people masked and socially distant… fearing an extra head… And what if that head refuses a mask?

New York’s Governor will call for a massive lockdown. Apartment doors will be welded shut... Windows nailed. Anyone on the street will be shot with Lysol-coated bullets. Parks will be converted into crematoria. At night, the sky will glow red from the human bonfires. The air will smell like a gigantic pork roast.

As spring comes, the virus will lessen. President Biden, if he’s still alive, will credit the Operation Warp Speed vaccine with the health recovery. Who he will credit with Operation Warp Speed is yet to be determined.

As Bill Clinton famously said, I did not have sex with that young woman… whoops, wrong quote. How ‘bout, It’s the economy, stupid?

FLASH FORWARD A COUPLE YEARS: President Harris needs a way to get the national ass in gear. Get those factories making bullets or lasers or whatever else they make in 2021. Get those drones flying KABOOM! KABOOM! COVID may be over, but she has a depression on her hands.


Flash to her history lesson:

Sept 11, 2001. Two planes piloted by Saudis fly into a couple tall buildings in New York City... KABOOM! KABOOM! What happens? The US declares war on Iraq and televises the bombing patterns.
Don’t worry! It doesn’t have to make sense.

They’re jealous of our freedom!” That’s all you need to say.

Americans are the dumbest people on the planet... attack-revenge. That’s what counts. The nation is transfixed… the national ass is in gear.


So here’s the plan:

The CIA has discovered that the COVID Virus was not developed in China. Instead, it was عامل مخفی فوق العاده تند و زنندهThat’s right… assuming you can read Persian… IRAN did it. They engineered the virus and smuggled it into China for distribution. Iran is responsible for all those deaths worldwide. They caused the pain and will do it again unless we stop them. REGIME CHANGE! Plus, they’ve got some oil too and that doesn’t hurt.

President Harris says it’s time for the country to pull together. We must make the world safe for old people, health workers, and UPS drivers. We need to form an international coalition to end the viral terrorism. Guatemala, Belize and Burkina Faso sign up immediately. Lockheed and Boeing… exactly those companies most hit by the plague… start revving their engines.

An army marches on its belly. So said President Taft… or was it e e cummings? I forget. But the farms and the abattoirs get going. They’ve got an army, a navy and a space force to feed. And trucks and trains need to ship all that stuff. Take it to the army, navy and space force bases... now all named after famous transsexuals.

President Harris visits the troops. Her first appearance is at Cape Kaitlyn Jenner in Florida.

Today,” says Harris, “the future of the world is in our hands. It is our coalition that will decide if we survive or if we fade away like an elderly man who got the vaccine too early. If we allow Iran to go into the future unchecked, we will have no future. If we allow an Ayatollah today, we will have no tomorrow.”

There is furious applause.

Next stop: The USS Holly Woodlawn. Cut to live stream, filmed from the deck. The helicopter hovers above. Then it slowly descends to land next to the new – completely invisible– Stealth 26 bomber. The only way we know it’s there is that the pilot sits in the pilot’s seat… looking like he’s sitting in mid-air, on a cloud.

The president wears a red mask with IRAN DID THIS embroidered on the front.

Today,” she says, “we will embark on a great mission. We will fight what needs to be fought. We will conquer what needs to be conquered. We will make the world a freer and better place with our efforts.”

There is furious applause.

And so it is President Kamala Harris
who makes America great again… or at least who restores it to the glory it was in the past.


- end -


ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com



> Giving the finger dept: NBC News reports that a 13-year old Kansas girl formed her fingers into a gun and pointed it at several of her classmates after another student asked her who would she would kill. The girl was arrested and charged with a felony.

The girl was asked if she could kill five people in the room, who would they be. She responded by making a finger gun and pointing it at four students and then pointing it at herself.

A spokesperson for the Johnson County District Attorney's Office said after reviewing the evidence, the girl was charged with criminal threat, which is a felony.


>Bravery in Action dept: As I write this the US government is taking action against internet porn, based on a NY Times “investigation” into Pornhub. The details are less important than the idea that this will be the first volley fired into internet porn sites… but not the last.

Writhing Naked Goddess bless the National Association for Rational Sex Offense Laws These are brave people who fight laws that equate someone with a naked teenage picture on their computer with someone who rapes toddlers. Since the average American also equates those things, they have quite a job ahead. Send ‘em a few bucks for me, okay?


>It’s about time dept: If you, like most others, wish there were one place you could go to get penis news… your quest has ended. Now there is one place to go to. It’s here. Your source for all the latest penis information. As of this writing the most recent stories include:

  • Belgian Mayor Accidentally Decorates Town with Penis-shaped Christmas Lights and Wants to Keep It

  • Chinese Boy Inserts 2-Foot Wire In His Genital to Find out Where Urine Comes From

  • In Zimbabwe, A Woman Bites Husband's Penis after He Fails to Scare Off a Rat

  • UK Man Gets New Penis on His Arm After His Old One Falls Off Due to Infection



See you in hell,

MB


LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:


I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.



Here's a start:


Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com


Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency


And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.


Rock-writer and historian extraordinaire, Jim Testa, has continued his great zine online. Jersey Beat is still going!

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a
tour diary of sorts.


Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.


Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.


Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.


George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.


And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.


And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.


Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox
https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low


And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong.


Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.


Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both.


Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.


I have a very occasional blog about how rich people are just like us… same needs, same desires, you know. You can read it here.


Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com



Wednesday, December 02, 2020

Wait! Don't Jump from That Bridge Until We Get To It (Mykel Board's Dec Blog)

 YOU'RE STILL WRONG.. 


MYKEL'S DEC. 2020 BLOG
OR
FUCK YOU 2020!


by Mykel Board


The top people in the Pentagon probably aren't happy with me because they want to do nothing but fight wars so all of those companies that make the bombs and make the planes and make everything else stay happy. --Donald Trump


Spread the faith. God love you all. May God bless America and may God protect our troops. --Joe Biden



I limp to the post office in my brand new foot-steadying surgical shoe… the foot in that shoe wrapped in a “soft cast’... my daily 4+ mile walks on hold while some toe-connecting nerve repairs itself. My goal for now: cut down to 2 miles a day. That’s gonna be hard. Monday I walked 7 miles.

FLASH TO MONDAY: I walk across the George Washington Bridge... from Washington Heights, Manhattan to Fort Lee, New Jersey. The GWB is the only bridge in Manhattan that goes to another state. I walk… hugging the right side… dodging cyclists.

A metal netting covers the bridge… from street level to higher than anyone can climb. It’s clearly a late addition… a normal/jumpable railing –now unreachable–
lays like an artifact, on the far side of the mesh.







About half-way across the bridge... a public-service poster… Suicide Prevention Hotline. It makes me smile.

Here it is! Oooo lala! Ft. Lee... famous for its Korean food… cheaper and better than Manhattan. I look around. No one’s on the sidewalk. Outdoor tables are empty.

To my left: apartment buildings. To my right: something restaurant-looking… a red building with a few unlit Christmas lights. I cross the wide road from the bridge and follow it to the building: FRANCO’S ITALIAN. It’s closed. Chairs upside down on the tables inside.

I ask Google to find the nearest Korean Restaurant.

Back to the bridge,” she tells me.

I shudda turned left.

Back I go, following the Google map. Turn left where I’d turned right... past more closed restaurants… Very few people walk the sidewalks. None look Korean. The shells of ethnic restaurants stick out like bones in a famine victim. It’s worse than New York… dark in the afternoon… a few tables outside… empty and forlorn in the fading light. It’s creepy.

Right here! Says the black dot in the red Google-balloon. There is indeed a restaurant. It says Chinese. I walk in. All the signs are in Hangul. I figure it’s gotta be Korean-style Chinese. I figure right. Mmmm boy!

Stir fry… enough to take some home… served Korean style, where one dish gets you half a dozen dishes, pickles, kimchi, mystery vegetables in little plates of their own… all spiced enough to make you feel the burn. I order something stir fried... best restaurant meal of the year. I pack up what I can’t finish... leave my credit card next to the empty plate… Put on my trenchcoat...

POW! One… two… three... punch to the gut. I the spice burn through every inch of my large intestine… building brown… trying to force its way out of my 70-year loosened sphincter. Pow! Off to the men’s room. There is no men’s room… just one restroom with one toilet. I flip the light switch. Nothing happens. With the door closed, I feel randomly for the toilet. Ah, there it is… Yes! Yes! Yes! I just make it… Hitting the bowl… missing the floor… I hope.

FLASH TO RIGHT NOW: A line of masked millennials winds itself down Broadway to Bleecker, then down the long block to Lafayette Street. Then it curls around Lafayette… goes halfway up the block.

I’m used to the lines. There’s a sneaker shop where Adidas and Nike release their newest scams to a waiting line of fanatics and eBay resellers. It’s a hobby... New Yorkers love to stand on line... especially 20-somethings. (For those of you off the East Coast… here we stand ON line… not IN line!) For those waiting, a long line shows the place is good… worth waiting for. Yep, waiting itself shows it’s worth the wait. These are the breadlines of the old Soviet Union… the welfare lines of the Great Depression… recast... upscale.

Today the wait is for City MD, an “Urgent Care” clinic. Usually it’s where people with lousy insurance go so they don’t have to pay hundreds for a hospital waiting room. Today they wait for a free COVID-19 test. Mostly masked, somewhat less than socially distant.. the cellphone-reading chirps stand there for two hours to have their noses stuck with a wooden stick. In half a week they find out if they’ve got it or not?

Whoa…. Let me see if I’ve got that right. People who think they may have the plague wait on line with other people who think they may have the plague, creating a mini-mob. The nose-scrapers test the crowd and then find… surprise!… a higher percentage has the plague than was recorded before the free testing. And tomorrow... there’ll be even more.

What a surprise? A line of people who think they have the disease turns out to produce more people who actually do have the disease. Shocking! And what does that mean? LOCKDOWN RETURNS… Restaurants close… the fear grows. More folks wait on line to be tested.

My pal Troy tells me, in Japan, there are more suicides than Corona deaths. In the US, people are to afraid to kill themselves. Instead, New Yorkers engage in their favorite line-waiting activity to learn in a few days… that they didn’t have the disease a few days ago… but might have caught it by now and should stand on line again next week... for another test.

Meanwhile, bars and restaurants close at 10PM… and those who can’t pay their vacancy expenses… commit mom-and-pop-store-suicide. My favorite midtown Irish bar… and my favorite midtown izakaya… both dead from Covid… make that Covid FEAR.

I tell ya, I want to jump off a bridge… or at least move to Japan.

I write this November 21st. Donny Trump is still protesting the election. Frankly, I’d (slightly) prefer a Trump president to one who gets his funds from banks and the big drug companies. I’d prefer one with a vice president who keeps his door open when he’s with a woman, but closes it when he’s with another guy… to one who’s a cop. But it looks like Biden it will be.

In that case, he has a tough decision to make. He’s either got to pardon Trump of all crimes and get on with his HEALING THE NATION shtick… or he’s got to let the bloodlust go kablooey… satisfy the revenge-seekers... the ghouls… the vampires.

My bet’s on the “healing.” Joe Biden is Mr. Normal. He’s another old white guy who’ll keep things going just the way they used to go... nothing new or upsetting here… everything just like it was before. He’ll “re-engage America with the world.” That means dropping bombs on our “enemies” and giving weapons to our “friends.” That means Bill Clinton-like NAFTA and other “business partnerships,” making American consumers happy with cheap goods from those nice guys in China.

We’ll see a few nods to the cultural left. Some statues torn down... names changed, maybe some funds to convert mental health rescue from a police action to a… er…. mental health action. That would be a good thing. Maybe we’ll see a national Bad Cops Registry. I’m not sure about that one.

Gays and lesbians will be just normal every-day guys and gals. They’ll be able to protest homeless people begging in the neighborhood… adopt kids to send to private schools… on vouchers… give spouses the gift of shared insurance so their visit to “a specialist,” will only cost them $80.

Laws will pass creating and requiring new pronouns. The next billionaire will be transsexual… employing hundreds of thousands of people… at minimum wage. Biden will refill the prisons emptied by Trump. And the Democrats will cheer him on… The Republicans will call him “a socialist” and “soft on crime.”

And so 2021 will continue. You know a bridge without wire fencing?

- end -


ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com


Proactive Interference Dept: At the end of October, the New York Times reported (since updated) that Big Tech had plans if Trump lost the election and tried to “delegitimize the results.”

According toThe Times, Facebook has discussed a “kill switch” to shut off political advertising after Election Day, since the ads, which Facebook does not police for truthfulness, could be used to spread misinformation….YouTube and Twitter have also discussed plans for action if the post-election period becomes complicated.

Nothing like a well-thought-out preventative plan in detail to show there’s no conspiracy. Right?






 → New Normal Dept: The oddest thing about this real-life picture of a warning sign in Alberta Canada is that it’s not so odd. During the complete weirditude that is 2020, you’d just figure that somehow moose tongues spread the plague. Makes as much sense as standing in line with sick people for a COVID test, doesn’t it?


Remains of Bidet Dept: Cracked.com reports: The toilet paper shortage is causing more than just the obvious issues. Cities are concerned that people flushing non-toilet paper items like paper towels could royally overload sewer systems. Bidets are the most obvious solution to the lack of TP issue, and Amazon is selling out of them like crazy.

Then they predict: Once the hordes lust for butt paper is satisfied, and we have a stable toilet paper supply line again, lots of people are still going to have bidets. We're going to discover that they're not as scary and European as we initially thought and why uninstall one when the next toilet paper shortage could happen at any time?

Funny... because right now, the only public bidets I know in NYC are in the basement of The Japan Society. I have to admit, they are fun. And they’re adjustable so I bet girls find a special use for that hard spray! It’s all in the plumbing. Oh yeah!


Cancel culture redux dept: Thanks to my long-term pal, Jim Testa, for this from NJ.com. It seems that a local Starbucks fired a woman because she refused to wear a (gay) Pride T-shirt. Instead, she wore her usual uniform, saying the t-shirt violated her religious beliefs.

Betsy Fresse, of Newark, said her managers at the Glen Ridge Starbucks “assured her” that she didn’t have to wear the T-shirt during her shift. Two months later she was sent a notice that she was being cut for “acting in violation of Starbucks’ core values.”

Fresse said that being made to wear a Pride T-shirt as a condition of employment would be tantamount to forced speech and inaccurately show her advocacy of a lifestyle in direct contradiction to her religious beliefs.

She also filed a complaint with the U.S. Equal Opportunity Employment Commission, which said it was unable to conclude one way or another if Starbucks engaged in religious discrimination.

I say, it’s the next frontier. Not only the corporate censorship so loved by the new intolerants, but FORCED speech. I can understand a uniform saying whatever management wants as a condition of employment… but then a quick switch with out warning? No fuckin’ way!

What? Boss? I have to wear an I HEART BILL CLINTON t-shirt to work???? Are you kidding?



See you in hell,
MB


LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:


I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.


Here's a start:

Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

Rock-writer and historian extraordinaire, Jim Testa, has continued his great zine online. Jersey Beat is still going!

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a
tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.

Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox
https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low

And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong.

Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.

Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

I have a very occasional blog about how rich people are just like us… same needs, same desires, you know. You can read it here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com


The Antidote for Depression (Mykel's Jan 2021 Blog)

  It's The Economy Stupid!  (Mykel Board's Jan 2021 Blog)   YOU'RE STILL WRONG..  MYKEL'S JAN. 2021 BLOG OR THE USS HOLLY WO...