Sunday, March 04, 2012

(MRR 346) What America Needs is JOBS!

You're Wrong
An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board

"The crucial reality is the need to sell your labor to capital in order to live, the need to carve up your personality for sale-- to look at yourself in the mirror and think, "What have I got that I can sell?" --Marshall Berman

It was something I ate. Bang. Stomach ache, I can just make it... I hope... It musta been the Korean food... Seemed so healthy... mushrooms... kim chi with sesame seeds... even tofu ice cream for fuck's sake. Pow! A belt to the stomach. I'm gonna explode.

On the way to the bathroom, I grab today's mail. I'll need something to read while the food makes its painful progress through my intestines. 

Ah, made it. Not quite ready to let loose though.

I pick up the mail.

First, THE NATION... my usual bathroom reading. Lefty enough to be interesting. Alexander Cockburn who's almost always right. And book reviews better than the books they review.

This issue reviews a book about the mind. The author of the book is a neurosurgeon who splits peoples brains in epilepsy operations. Then he does experiments on the split brainers. His experiments convince him that people don't really have free will. We act, he says, spontaneously. Then we use free will in rationalizing the act.

The reviewer asks “if people lack free will, why did the surgeon make them sign “consent” forms before the experiments? How can you consent to anything if you don't have free will?” Smart guy, smart ass. Right up my alley.

Ow! Ow! Ow! The brown muck makes it's way up the right side, across the middle, down the left, almost... almost... Fuck, stuck right at the key point... begging release... yet unreleased.

I check out the NATION'S front cover. Getting Priorities Straight. It's about how Obama sold out to the Republicans (what a surprise!) by making the debt the number one issue. Says THE NATION, “it should be JOBS!” Let's have another WPA like during Roosevelt. Let the government hire people so they can earn their own living... not have to take handouts... give people the dignity of earning their own way... put Americans to work.

Yeah, pouring tar on highways. That'll give 'em dignity... or black lungs.

Enough! I put the magazine down and open a letter from something called ACE. I'd think it was a hardware advertisement but for the blurb on the front of the envelope. EMPOWERING THE HOMELESS. Hmmmm. What does that mean? Register them to vote? Give them a place to live, regroup and get something decent to eat? Um, no...

ACE program participants-- who have all spent time on the streets or in prison-- now sweep our sidewalks, bag our trash, and shovel our snow.

That's empowerment? Empowerment means giving people power over their own lives. What does ACE give people power over, a plastic garbage bag?

The Republicans, they want jobs too. Take the oil pipeline through Canada... please.

This from another NATION report:

Republicans used the payroll tax measure to push for quick approval of TransCanada Corp's Keystone XL pipeline project, backed by labor unions but opposed by environmental groups.

The legislation requires Obama to approve construction of the pipeline from Canada to U.S. Gulf of Mexico facilities within 60 days or declare it is not in the national interest. Obama wanted to take a year, beyond November's elections, to review the project.

Republicans argued the pipeline would create jobs at a time the nation is suffering from an 8.6 percent unemployment rate.

"The president says he wakes up every morning thinking about jobs. This morning, the Senate took action where the president has punted," said Republican Senator John Cornyn.

Meanwhile, Libertarians call on the government to stop all welfare programs, and let people find their own jobs. Stand on their own two feet. Instead of handouts, they should work and find dignity in any job.

The problem, they say, is the minimum wage. It's too high, a strain on business. If you pay people 25 cents an hour, think of how many more you could hire! Newt Gingrich wants to end child labor laws. Hire kids at four dollars an hour. Fuck school. What do they learn there? Maybe poetry or art. Is that gonna get them a job?

What about cripples? They can wheel on their own two wheels.

Get people out of school. Get 'em off welfare. Cut unemployment insurance. Work! That's what freedom's all about, isn't it?

Just at this moment, I release. Relief-filled brown splats into the toilet. Pow! Like a beershit. I can feel it in my ankles. It's wonderful.

Wiping myself, I use nearly a whole roll of tissues. Still, I seem to have missed something. I feel a little prick... like a small stone in a sock... I reach a finger into a particularly deep anal fold. There it is... I scrape through with a fingernail... another scrape... Something catches between the nail and the finger flesh... got it! I pull it toward my face to examine it. A sesame seed, from the Korean food last night. What a relief!... Then it hits me.

Jobs! People need jobs. There must be hundreds... no thousands... millions... of people who need dingleberries fished from their anal folds. I'd certainly pay $2 for an anal fisher. Think of the employment possibilities

The new company, At Your Anal Call. All those homeless people, welfare moms, kids who only like poetry or music. All those old folks who no one else will hire. Here's a chance for them to earn money... learn pride in work... make other people happy.

Their $2-a-berry dingleberry-picking will do more than give them enough money for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. It will give them pride in doing it themselves. It will teach them the dignity of earning their own way.

Set up charges will be low. There will be little equipment to buy. The only expense will be advertising the service... and the 39 cents of the $2 fee that will actually go to the dingleberry- picker.

I got it! I'll let the government-- and foundations-- advertise for me. It's a company liberals and conservatives will both love. They'll shower me with cash. It should be easy... a piece of cake... er... Korean sesame.

I call the libertarians at the Cato Institute.

“Hello,” I tell 'em, “All Power to the Koch brothers and private enterprise.”

“All power to capital,” comes their reply. “What can we do for you?”

After a bit of explaining, I'm switched to a Mister DeLoit. I explain my plan to him.

“That's a great idea!” he says. “We'll contribute five million bucks to help you set up the project. Then we'll create a front grou... er... charitable organization, do a mass mailing, encourage people to support people standing on their own two feet...”

“Actually,” I say, “the work requires some kneeling...”

“Wise guy!” he says. “Now where was I... oh yeah, keep the government out of people's business. Let people earn their way in a free society. Start at the bottom. Learn the value of hard work and a dollar. Go from dingleberry picking to... to who knows where? Might even open a chain of pizza parlors... right? The sky's the limit.”

I nod into the phone.

“Now who should I make the check out to,” he continues. “And where should I send it? ...”

Well, that was a fruitful phonecall. Next I call THE NATION, that bastion of left-wing thinking.

“Hello,” I tell 'em, “all power to the people... especially the workers.”

“All power to labor,” comes the reply. “What can we do for you?”

After a bit of explaining, I'm switched to a Ms Jackson. I tell her my plan.

“That's a great idea,” she says. “The government can subsidize your organization... maybe make a contract. It'll be like Roosevelt and the WPA. Jobs, jobs jobs. Of course the workers will have to make a living wage. Your $2 an hour for the extreme effort of dingleberry-picking is much too low.”

“I understand,” I say. “How 'bout if we double it?”

“Excellent,” comes the answer. “We'll be creating real jobs. Useful work for workers who really get their hands dirty. And there are no plastics, chemicals or other environmental hazards.”

“There may be occasional gas,” I say.

 “Wise guy!” she says. “Now where was I... oh yeah. We could set up a lobby to encourage the government to hire dingleberry-pickers. We'll explain it's a public need. We'll contact the unions. Let them organize a Brotherhood of dingleberry-pickers Local 584. Get some government protection. It'll be like the WPA during Roosevelt's time. Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!”
It sounds like she's having an orgasm.

I clear my throat.

“Sorry,” she says, “I got carried away.... Anyway, you've got a great idea. We'll form a front group... er... Political Action Committee... to push the idea. Americans for Jobs Now, we'll call it. How much do you need? Will three million hold you over until we get things started?”

“I think I can get by on that,” I tell her. “It'll be a struggle, but I can do it.”

“Ok,” she says, “we'll make it four. I'd like to give more, but times are tough, you know.”

I thank her and hang up.

Okay, maybe there's something to this JOBS thing after all.

ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (god@mykelboard.coym) or blog viewers ( will get live links and a chance to post comments on the column]

-->Inspiration dept: For those who are just learning about anti-workism, the best source is the great essay by Bob Black. Called, The Abolition of Work, it's available for free on the internet. Just google it.

-->Ultimately THEY control it dept: San Francisco's BART subways system is the first American government agency to block internet use to discourage dissent. On August 11, 2011 BART cut off cell phone and internet access in some stations. They believed those stations would be targeted by protesters demonstrating against a transit shooting by transit police. It worked.

-->As if you need another reason to vote 3rd party dept: Obama has signed a law invalidating the constitution. The law allows indefinite imprisonment... without trial... a violation of the most basic law of any free society. In the U.S. the law violates the “due process” clause of the Constitution. Obama cast it his promises to close Guantanamo.

-->God or jail, which is worse? dept: In September 2011, Police Chief Michael Rowland of Bay Minette Alabama, announced a new program. Called "Operation Restore Our Community,” non-violent offenders would have an option of paying a fine, going to jail or attending church weekly for one year. At the end of 12 months, their records would be wiped clean. 
 There are not many religious choices in Bay Minette: several Protestant churches, one catholic, no synagogues, no mosques, and no B'hai temples. So it's off to the evangelicals... the good thing about it is that prisoners will learn what every goyish kid learns: church is a punishment. Jews learn that synagogue is a punishment. 

-->Government training dept: Wired Magazine revealed that, at the FBI training center in Quantico Virginia, new employees are told, "the more devout a Muslim is, the more likely he is to be violent." Sounds like a Christian to me. The same training material characterizes the prophet Muhammad as a "cult leader," 
 In a surprise move (When Good Things are Done by Bad People), Senators Joseph Lieberman (Israel's 100% patsy) and Republican, Susan Collins, sent a letter to the US Attorney General complaining about the training. They called it "inaccurate and even inflammatory." They're right. What got into them? 

-->Where there's a will there's a hustle dept: Hallmark Cards announced a new line of "cards for people who have lost their jobs," The cards come in six designs. It's not clear if any are congratulations cards. 

-->And if there's an attack did God allow it? dept: The Kentucky Court of Appeals said it's okay for Kentucky to give official credit for its homeland security to "Almighty God,” and put that credit on all official correspondence. Now, if there's a terrorist attack in Kentucky... who's responsible for the FAILURE of that security? Not that I'd advocate such a thing. Who me? God forbid! 

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