Losing The Urge or Mykel's November 2021 Blog/Column

 

Losing The Urge: Mykel's  November Blog

 

You’re STILL Wrong

or

Mykel's 

November 2021 Blog/Column 

Losing The Urge

by Mykel Board

With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction. - Clarence Darrow

“That animal is not your possession. He doesn't exist for your amusement. He has needs, instincts... urges."

The way he said that word, in that deep, earthy growl, had chills rippling over her skin.

She swallowed hard. "Urges?"

"Yes. Urges." He sauntered toward her- as much as a man could saunter in knee-deep water. "But what could a lady like you know about those?"

"Oh, I understand urges. Right now, I have the powerful urge to do this."

She shoved him hard in the chest, hoping to send him flailing backward into the river. --Tessa Dare

“If you feel the urge, get up and dance; and if you don't feel the urge, get up and dance.” - Marty Rubin

When I lost the sex urge I felt as if I’d escaped from a frantic and savage master. – Sophocles

I measure the progress of my traveling adventures in what my body chooses to show me. My bowels produce a chronicle of time and place. 

Stages reflect themselves in toilet water. Every trip starts with nothing… a whiff of gas… a pffffft… no more. After the gas come the raisins. Tip… tip… tip… like a rabbit spitting out sunflower seeds. Then come the cherry tomatoes… plop… plop… plop... hard and loud as they fall into the water and splash up against me. 

Next are the fuzzy caterpillars, each as long as my thumb… edges unclear… worms clothed in dust bunnies. Then a day later… maybe two… it’s Vienna Sausages… sliding effortless out of my body. 

Then, the kielbasa. Thick… like a turd blimp. Wider than my waist… like being fist-fucked by Mike Tyson… only in reverse. 

Then, if I’m still away, I return to normal… gobs of half-solids… turning the water brown… little floating pieces… undefined shapes… exploding below. 

Today I’m in Pittsburgh. I’ve reached the cherry tomato stage… or what should be the cherry tomato stage. Things are not as smooth as they should be… noisier… with a smell like the night after a Mexican lunch. 

And it feels weird… like I’m releasing a playing card… Ace of Spades… one-eyed Jack. I check. It’s New Jersey.

I shit you not. It’s a turd, about the size of my hand, shaped exactly like New Jersey… From the boxy edge of Bergen County, across to the Delaware river… down to a perfect little Cape May at the tip. 

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE New Jersey… the state. Some of my best friends live there. Others are from there but have moved away. New Yorkers who can’t stand the cootiephobia, the noise, the high prices, are moving there. 

Mitsuwa is in New Jersey. AOD is FROM New Jersey. It’s a great state. The shit is not a metaphor… not a judgment… but a real statement… made by my body… sculpted from the refuse of my food… hewn from the pressure of my large intestine… I have the urge to reach in… pull it away from its more normal siblings… lift it up… examine it closely, turn it over… match it to a Google map. 

I don’t. 

Instead, I flush. 

FLASH to 2017: The Museum of Modern Art has a show featuring the art and characters of CLUB 57… a performance-space in the East Village during the 80s and 90s. On the wall are several posters of ART, my first “band” (guitar player, metronome player/vocalist, sign-language signer, and me). 

The You’ll Hate This Record Record, on the Seidboard Label, is framed and hanging on the wall. I put together that record… compiled the bands… the most hated in America... pasted the rubber vomit on the cover.

Now it’s in the fuckin’ Museum of Fuckin’ Modern Fuckin’ Art! Amazing… dazzling… depressing. I’m not sure why… Then comes the email. It’s from Sophie… at MOMA. 

“We’re having a party for the Club 57 Show. We’d like you to put ART back together. Just one show, downstairs in the VIP space. Of course, we’ll give you compensation. $1000 for the show.” 

I’ve never been paid $1000 for a show. I think ART got $900 opening for Public Image… and that was the most. Usually, “gas money.” That’s it. Sometimes an extra twenty bucks. 

I think about other old guys playing punk rock. Old men trying to reprise –or at least sell–  what was their youth. Angry young bands on a tired old man road. 

Several times, Jim Testa has complained to me that touring 90s bands are what’s keeping new young bands from getting shows. “No one wants to see new bands, Mykel,” he says. “Hardcore and punk is creaky old people… like us.”

At the time, I believe it’s this anti-nostalgia that leads me to reject the $1000 bucks (split 4-ways of course). I don’t want to be the balding old guy on stage trying to resurrect a performer who had hair and enough energy to tear apart 10 different t-shirts. 

It’s only later, I realize I was flattering myself. What really happened was… I lost the urge to perform. It used to be all you had to do was ask… not even that. I’d jump on the stage. Furious George… BANG! I’m up there, holding up the I WEAR A WHITE HAT SIGN. The first Polish Punk Festival in Kolobrzeg, I’m there… singing SWEET JANE with my friends in KANAL. 

The urge to perform… to be in front of people… to get a reaction… cheers… laughs… boos… hit by a pie… I loved it. 

Then, I lost the urge. I didn’t feel the almost sexual need to perform…  to be hated…  to be laughed at... or even admired enough to be bought a beer by a fan. 

The urge left me. I no longer need to perform… I no longer WANT to perform. When I did a short reunion tour about 10 years ago, before it was over, I realized it was a mistake. 

FLASH TO EARLY SUMMER: Girls are out… in their short shorts… the ones that show leg… all the way from hip to ankle. Bare… naked leg... perfectly shaped.. hairless... disappearing into a barely hidden camel toe. Boys’ legs too –usually too hairy to excite my urges–  but every once-in-awhile there’s an Oriental… Oh yeah!

But this year, there’s no urge. I don’t feel a stirring between my own hairy legs. No pressure... no dream of spreading those legs. The urge has deserted me. Gone like a flushed turd shaped like New Jersey.

Sure I still choke the chicken, but these days it’s a soporific rather than a stimulant. I’ve lost Sophocles’ frantic and savage master. The Meth of a screw has turned into a Quaalude. 

I’m worried. If I become completely urgeless, I’ll be dead... one of those depressive zombies who roll out of bed only to piss and return to the covers. It’s scary. 

FLASH TO THE BATHROOM… The place for serious reading… in snippets. I have the latest copy of THE NATION on the tank, waiting for me to take in bit by bit. 

There’s an article about Frank B. Wilderson III, the godfather of a philosophy called Afropessimism. The basic tenet of this philosophy is that slavery makes the Black Experience® in America unique. Indians, Transexies, Hispanics, other “allies” in racial America… are not allies. They don’t suffer the same. They are higher on the totem pole and will become white when it suits them. 

The ideas are fascinating. I never heard of this guy before. He evidently mixes humor, his family history, his personal adventures, and his philosophy. He teaches in California. Sounds smart, cool, deep… and wrong. 

You know what? I want to go out to California. I hear plane fares are low now. I want to sit in on a class. Then, talk to the guy. 

Wilderson: You can’t get it, Mykel. My ancestors were slaves. 

Board: So were mine! 

Wilderson: This country was built on our backs. Our slave labor built America.

Board: Ours built the pyramids.

Wilderson: Don’t pull the that stuff on me. Black… just the word is evil, dangerous, negative in all aspects.

Board: Sure. When I go into a bar and order top shelf, I always ask for Johnny Walker Jew. And in my karate class, everyone is clamoring for a white belt.

I can see the whole thing. Describe his facial reactions… picture how I’ll stand up... pace… Wilderson sits at the edge of his desk... sometimes laughs… sometimes wrinkles his brow. I gotta leave now… check plane schedules to California. 

WAIT! The urge! The urge to confront. The urge to disagree… to say YOU’RE WRONG! THAT hasn’t left me. It’s as strong as it ever was. 

In 2021, I’m not going to play in a punk band. I’m not going to drop $100+ in a “massage parlor.” But I still have an urge that hasn’t deserted me. The urge to not think like other people… to find new Jersey in a turd… to tell smart people they’re wrong. THAT urge hasn’t deserted me. 

See you in hell,

Mykel Board

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line.  Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

–> Breakfast-free companions Dept: OZY reports that sex dolls are all the rage in Asia, with hotels springing up in Taiwan and mainland China where people can book a night with an almost lifelike companion. In addition: Australia, Norway, Finland, Denmark and the U.S. lead in Google searches for “sex dolls.” As A.I. matures and robots become more “life-like”... with human pimps matching customers with their ideal companions. “Robo-prostitution” will replace pornhub. There is already a term for mechanized lovers: B.O.B. . . . battery-operated boyfriend. 

Hah, I thought that was just another word for dildo.

–>The world continues to prove me right dept: I've long been an opponent of recycling. My main argument is that it's used to ease consciences in more and more consumption. This from Consumer Reports saying that more than 90% of what goes in the recycle bin ends up incinerated or in landfill. And that doesn't mention the energy used in picking up the recycling, sorting it, and powering the recycling plants. 

Message: DON'T RECYCLE. JUST DON'T BUY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

–> Not quite Annie Sprinkle dept: The Irish Mirror reports: The owner of a U.K. bakery went viral for ranting about regulations that are hurting his profits and his art. Rich Myers, 32, of Leeds, can no longer sell his most popular items because they feature "illegal sprinkles" imported from the US. The sprinkles contain an additive which has been linked to "hyperactivity disorders and tumors in rats."  An anonymous customer tipped off  the local regulatory agency. Myers swears he won't switch to approved sprinkles from his home country, because “they don't hold their colors during the baking process.” 

"If I can't use the imported sprinkles, I won't use any," he said. "I will be on sprinkle strike and won't budge for no man." 

That’s what I like! A man who stands up for his principles. I wonder how much I could make as a sprinkle smuggler.

See you in hell, redux,

MB

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.

Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low

And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong.

Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.

Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both.

My long time pal, Jim Hayes rightfully complained about my leaving out his blog. He’s a great writer, so it was a tragic omission. Here it is.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com

You’re Still Wrong Mykel's Blog October 2019 or Ewww, Cooties!

You’re STILL Wrong

or
Mykel's

October 2019 Blog/Column

Ewww, cooties!

It’s a particularly fierce beershit. Explosive... splashing down into the toilet and splashing back up with the ferocity of Antifa at a Klan march. Back up against my ass... my balls… running down the back of my legs…. small brown rivulets.

It must be the alcohol, because it burns like hell. My ass is an egg… cracked open with massive scorching along the crack… from top to bottom.

I fold several pieces of toilet paper and sop up the dirty liquid causing the pain. It works.. for 30 seconds. Then it comes back with a flaming vengeance. Yeah, the explosion was a relief… but was it worth the post-ecstatic pain? I feel the burn.

You know what works? Anbesol. I know it’s called an orajel. But it’s the same “active-ingredient” as in Nupercainal, the stuff made for your ass. It’s half the price and twice as effective. Just a bit of sting in the application… then aaaah.

How many people would use an oral drug on hemorrhoids? That’s dirty… ewww… like a rim job… you can get cooties.

Cooties? Do people even say that anymore? Do millennials even know what cooties are? The Urban Dictionary associates them with a prohibition of child gender mixing. Merriam-Webster says they’re head lice. I grew up thinking that they were a mysterious life force… like a “germ”… that you got if you touched anything “dirty.”

Though the word may be lost, America… and much of the world… is infected by a cooties-like notion of ICK.

Cooties come from any body liquid… or excreted solid. They come from toilets. From nostrils. They drip from penises… slip out of vaginas. You get them from someone touching your food with their skin… or from just touching the same THING someone else has touched.

Capitalism, in its inevitable way, has pushed cooties into the forefront of people’s minds.

I walk from Grand Central into the building that houses my school. In front of the elevator is a Purell dispenser. Purell is some anti-cootie cream that, of course, when used on the skin, kills the weakest cooties, insuring that only the strong survive and reproduce. That way, they can invent NEW cootie lotion that will get the stronger cooties and before long… make cooties even stronger than that.

Why is this lotion in front of an elevator? I can only guess that people figure when they press the button for their floor, they’ll transfer cooties from their fingers to the buttons. Then the next person will catch those cooties. If everyone uses the Purell, the elevator buttons will stay pristine and cootie-less for all riders.

For some reason, feet have an especially high number of cooties. New York, Channel 11 News features a YouTube video of some guy on an airplane, swiping through programs on the back of the seat in front of him. He’s using his feet to swipe. We never get to see his face, or the rest of his body.

Eeeewww! The newscasters grimace.

“You know,” says the big one who looks like a heavyweight boxer. Black, shaved head, tough. “I used to make fun of those people who rub down the screens with sanitizing wipes… corner to corner… now I can understand why.”

“I agree,” says his somewhat sexy, somewhat Semitic co-host. “After seeing that, I’m bringing my wipes on every flight.”

First, we don’t know if the foot swiper even had arms. Many armless or arm-paralyzed people use their feet to do what other people do with their hands. Eat, type, swipe videos. Check out Cynthia Bloom who has one functioning limb, and see what she can do with it. But feet! That’s disgusting. Cooties.

Now to get to the meat in the midst of the meat and potatoes. The biggest cootie-spreaders is sex. Not only does sex have body fluids, it has skin and pubic hair. Eeeeek. Cooties.

Cootiphobia-- especially sex cootiphobia-- is not limited to one political group, gender or ideology. It is not limited to an age group, religion, or race. The details are different, but the concept is the same.

For Jews and Muslims, pork is UNCLEAN. Among Christians (and many other Americans) jokes about sex or bodily functions are DIRTY. In Japan, the room with the toilet (different from the room with the bath) is DIRTY. You need to wear special slippers when you use the toilet room and change them when you leave. That way, you don’t bring the dirty toilet room into the clean rest of the house.

The Japanese think that public snot-blowing… even if hidden from view by a tissue… is disgusting. For them, it’s better to just snort it back, and swallow than to blow it out.

Among criminals… there lies a hierarchy of cootiphobia. Who occupies the lowest position among criminals? The one where you’re beaten by other inmates... where they shit in your bed…. where they shove broomsticks up your ass. Murder? Dismemberment? Theft from the poor? You bet your scrotum that’s not it. It’s SEX with children. Not the murder of children, but SEX with them.

See? Children are innocent… code for CLEAN. And sex is dirty. That’s the worst.

As I write this, I see a message in my gmail inbox:

See what’s first? “Accused sexual predator”… not liar. And one of the “lies” in the letter says:

LIE: Kavanaugh claimed that "all the witnesses who were there say it didn’t happen."But Dr. Ford's friend Leland Keyser, one of those Dr. Ford says was present, said she believes Dr. Ford's allegation.

Is that a lie? A friend says “she believes the allegation.” That contradicts a WITNESS? A witness is a person who SEES an event. Not a person who believes someone else. My seventh grade English teacher is not a WITNESS to my dog eating my brilliant paper on the relationship of Charles Dickens to my up-coming Bar Mitzvah.

Those who are honest call for Kavanaugh’s impeachment because he “pushed his penis into a woman’s hand” at a frat party more than 2 decades ago. Eeeeew cooties. Even if it’s true… so what?

Though it’ll probably limit my chances for future Supreme Court appointment, right here I’ll admit it. I pushed my penis into a woman’s hand while tripping on LSD... about 40 years ago... when I was living in Chicago.

She said, “No Mykel (it was actually Michael then)” and I withdrew the slimy bugger, rolled over, and tripped out looking at the wallpaper.

Bill Clinton, who, next to George W Bush, was the worst president of my lifetime (except for maybe Harry Truman who dropped the atom bomb (a DIRTY bomb) on Hiroshima and Nagasaki)

1. Signed the Defense of Marriage Act, making gay marriage illegal.

2. Signed the Welfare Destruction Act, making it illegal to receive welfare for more than two years, no matter what your economic situation.

3. Signed NAFTA, which moved US factories to Mexico making things worse BOTH in the US (loss of jobs) and Mexico (depression of wages).

4. Allowed brokerage companies to take over banks, thereby leading to the great crash. Protected money and risky money merged, meaning there was no protected money

5. Was a torture king: agreeing to “Extraordinary rendition.” That’s when some government operatives stuffs a bag over your head and flies you off to some foreign country where they can legally torture you. Clinton and Gore agreed to the first rendition in the ’90s, despite being aware that it breached international law.

6. Was responsible for bombing the Chinese embassy in Kosovo and one of only 3 pharmaceutical companies that existed in the Sudan. This caused massive death and disease from lack of medication.

7. Presided over the murder-by-incineration of several entire families in Waco Texas.

Clinton was impeached… Why? Because a woman named Monica Lewinsky gave him a blowjob in the White House. Eeeeew cooties!

He was a monster, but impeached only because of a blowjob.

I found a cartoon in The Nation that got it. The shocking headlines are all COOTIES. The awful shit the government does is… well, that’s what governments do anyway.

And the headline in today’s USA TODAY is Millions of Women’s First Sex Was Forced” and the forced sex? 56% said they were “verbally pressured.”

The author of the study says “any sexual encounter that occurs against somebody’s will is rape.”

In 2019, “Oh baby, I need this sooo much. I love you. Please! Please!” is rape! That’s crazy! It’s Victorian times again. Sex is DIRTY. It’s got cooties. You need consent to get cooties. And consent doesn’t even mean saying YES. It means… I don’t even know what the fuck it means.

This will go back and forth until the only politician who is cootie-free enough to be elected will be Mike Pence. His wife is his mother, and he keeps the door open when he’s with any other woman. But who knows? Maybe even HE has maybe jerked off once… as a teen.

The solution is clear. The way to get there isn’t. Right now, we still need to shit and piss. But who knows? Medical research may find a cure. Bidets can solve the problem of having to touch that dirty business with your hands or a even a tissue. The super-cootiphobic Japanese have invented a bidet that not only washes… but air-dries the afflicted zone. No touch at all.

[NOTE: One of many things I don’t get about Japanese culture is how clean they are (a soaking bath every night) but also how dirty they are. Bukkake is a Japanese word after all. Enjoying other cultures is part of the joy of my life… and it gives the lie to THE WEST IS THE BEST. Could a Western Country invent bukkake?]

Trump isn’t right about much, but one think he IS right about is how congress is using IMPEACHMENT to get things they can’t get through using the vote. It’s not new. We’ve already seen it with Clinton… The Republicans weren’t happy with Clinton… even though he was the most right-wing Democrat since Andrew Jackson. But Clinton was popular. A good old Southern boy who liked fried chicken and women. How could they get rid of him? Impeachment on cootie grounds.

We’re seeing it now with Judge Kavanaugh. We’ve seen it with Trump and Stormy Daniels. This is Donald Trump… who puts kids in jails, has turned the US from the nation having the greatest profit to the one having the greatest debt… who has eliminated medical care for hundreds of thousands (millions?)… who has pulled out of an international climate agreement… in the midst of a climate crisis. And what is his most evil act? Sex with a pornstar. What’s his most evil pronouncement?

The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.

Nope. Who remembers that? What everybody does know is:

Grab them by the pussy!

Eeeewwww cooties!

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com. Subscribe to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

→Try wiping your ass with your smartphone dept: We’re coming to the end of the print era. The Village Voice and Maximum Rock’n’Roll have both met their ink and paper deaths. Between 1990 and 2016 newspaper employment declined to its lowest level since 1978. At least 600 U.S newspapers have gone belly up since 2004.

Yeah, I know that’s what old people do, complain about how things are changing, but despite my blogging, I really do love print. So I’m happy to report that the great German zine ZAP will be returning from the digital grave to PRINT. And, I hope, I’ll be having a column (in English) in that zine. It will be different… more German oriented… than my blog.

Stay tuned here for ordering information. Don’t try to Google it.

→ Didn’t I already write this blog? dept: If the content of this blog seems familiar, it’s because the situation is familiar. Judge Roy Moore… notorious for placing a monument to the 10 Commandments outside his courthouse. (Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass.) Lost an election because he rubbed up against a girl WHILE HE WAS IN HIGHSCHOOL! I wrote about this with the same ideas before. But the world doesn’t change because I write about it. So I do it again.

→ But there are no cooties dept: The government is suing Edward Snowden for his publication of a book revealing how the government has lied, and caused the deaths and destruction of hundreds of people. Says the government, Snowden signed a confidentiality agreement when he agreed to work for the US Intelligence (sic) community. He has since violated that agreement. The argument is similar to Stormy Daniels, who also signed a confidentiality agreement, but violated it. Let’s wait until the next election to see who gets more mention Snowden or Daniels. Want to put $10 on it?

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

David Goldberg's Busy Microbes Blog

And another Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a PRINT zine and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com

This Blog is About Sex or Mykel's Post MRR Column no 57

Mykel's

Post MRR Column 

no 57

or

This Blog Is About Sex

She was just seventeen. You know what I mean… --The Beatles

Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass. --The Ten Commandments

Today I am a man. --Recited by every bar mitzvah boy at age 13

I lay face down on the mattress. Looking over my shoulder, I watch her slip her middle finger into her mouth. Now sloppily wet, she pressed it into my puckering anus…. a digit at a time… twisting it right and left as it goes deeper. Then comes the second finger… AAAAAAGH! I yell in ecstatic pain. She laughs through her nose as the second finger enters its full length.

With her other hand she reaches under me. Grabbing my tightening Vienna sausage. Rounded top… little flip in back… attached to a sometimes less sometimes more flexible cylinder. And it rubs… rubs inside clothes, rubs against others’ clothes… rubs against naked flesh.. rubs against the palms and fingers of its owner. Now it rubs against the palms and fingers of someone else. But wait… there’s more. There's hers.

It looks like an orchid…. a depression surrounded by hairy petals… sometimes brown, hers is baby pajama pink… with the usual fragrance that-- unless over-yeasted-- draws my nose closer… begging to be sniffed… enjoyed visually… nasally… orally... tactilely.

Yeah, this month I write about sex. It's spring and whose thoughts DON'T turn to getting laid. Let’s get this straight. Anyone walking around in short shorts… with legs exposed from hip to ankle… with camel toe or flesh slug outlined in denim…. anyone exposing themselves like that… begs to get laid. Maybe most people want to get laid, but those who dress like this advertise it. If the cutie with the legs complains about sexual harassment, it means BY THE WRONG PERSON. S/he WANTS sex… just not from YOU. How are you supposed to know?

Feminists-- the kind who say that short shorts are only to cool the legs-- complain about sex. Christians-- the kind who say that short shorts should be prohibited-- complain about sex... especially sex for pay or... we'll talk about the OTHER complaint later.

In our work-oriented society, you need a job. The average Joe-- and the government-- frowns on people who get money without having a job. Somehow it’s bad if the government hands you a check for just living in the society and not killing people. It’s good if you spend your time, body, and mind on worthless shit that just makes the world a bad place to live. Donny Trump wants to Make America Great Again by bringing back jobs-- like coal-mining-- that give the job holders lung cancer. People are proud of the scummiest jobs… like taking other people’s money and giving it to billionaires. It’s called banking.

Anything you do for money is good... EXCEPT sex. If sex is your profession, there is something wrong. You are acting immorally-- probably illegally. If you allow a banker to stick his hand in your pocket when you have no money-- that’s a noble profession. If you allow a horny guy to stick his penis in your vagina and then PAY you (usually much more than $37 dollars)… that’s an EVIL … EXPLOITATIVE profession.

It’s okay to be forced to work 12 hours a day, to trade your time-- and sometimes your health-- for a better work position. To require long hours and illegal overtime as a condition of advancement… but it’s NOT okay to require sex for the same.

Then there are the scandals… take Bill Clinton…. Please! The worst Democrat to occupy the oval office since Andrew Jackson. He signed legislation making gay marriage illegal. He destroyed welfare, throwing hundreds and thousands of mothers into the street. He allowed brokerage companies to take over the banks… leading to extreme consolidation and the prolonged financial crash. He negotiated NAFTA… a job losing, corporate enhancing law that threw American workers out of their jobs and on to the street-- already crowded with mothers. Then, he bombed Serbia. His reason, like the reasons of so many bomb-loving presidents before him… for their own good.

There was so much to hate Clinton for that even moderate Democrats should have been calling for his head. But what did it? What made him the first president since Andrew Johnson (1868) to be impeached? Yep S-E-X. He was screwing around. He committed adultery. (High up there… in the stone tablet top ten.) He got a blow job from an intern and spewed onto her blue dress. Oh, the horror!

Donny Trump calls for the death penalty for drug dealers. He champions a tax bill that will personally save him millions of dollars. He answers clearly fake “Syrian chemical attacks” with real people-killing missiles. He fills his cabinet with agency heads designed to destroy the agencies they head. You probably have more to hate him about than I do.

But what is most dangerous to his presidency? SEX! A violation of one of the big ten. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY. As though everybody else hasn’t. And it was with a pornstar, for God’s sake. Who WOULDN’T fuck a pornstar if they had the chance? But it was the sex itself... and his attempt to pay for silence in this atmosphere. Who WOULDN’T pay a pornstar to stay quiet about her relationship? Especially someone whose every move is in the public eye.

Then there’s Roy Moore. Moore was kicked off the Alabama State Supreme Court in November 2003.

Why? 

He refused to obey federal and state court orders to remove a 5,280-pound stone monument of the Ten Commandments-- THE BIG TEN. Yeah, that same religious bunch of bogus rules. (I guess the prohibitions against false witness, theft and murder are okay. That’s 3 out of 10. The rest is shit.) 

In a speech at the Open Door Baptist Church, Moore said that the World Trade Center attacks happened because the United States (aka you) went against God’s word. “Because you have despised His word and trust in perverseness and oppression, and say thereon ... therefore this iniquity will be to you as a breach ready to fall, swell out in a high wall, whose breaking cometh suddenly at an instance,'" Moore said, quoting Isaiah... one of them bible guys.

In 2006, Moore wrote that Rep.-elect Keith Ellison, a Minnesota Democrat, and the first Muslim ever elected to Congress, shouldn't be allowed to take office. And it was Moore who said that certain communities in the United States are already operating under Sharia law... either a lie of stupidity or a lie of malice.

But what got the guy in trouble? You guessed it SEX! And not even real sex… less sex than Bill Clinton had with Monica Lewinsky. Sex with the clothes on sex. 30 YEARS AGO sex…. As a thirty year old he asked a highschool girl to touch him... THERE. Touch!!! Hand on underpants! That’s it! And that’s what cost him the election.

Google “Roy Moore” unconstitutional and you’ll get 96,800 hits. Try “Roy Moore” pedophilia and you get 253,000. Why??? Does it matter more to the future of America if its senators are touched by the constitution or are touched by a 14 year old? Does anything anyone did 30 years ago matter at all?

Then there’s Milo Yiannopoulos. He was a Breitbart boy, with sympathies to some of, but not all, alt-right ideas. [Full disclosure: #Me too, though I'm sympathetic to fewer of those ideas than Yiannopolis. He was a supporter of Donald Trump in his bid for the presidency. He opposes abortion and doesn't believe in climate change. Interestingly enough, he is an out homosexual-- if you believe in that sort of stuff. [Full disclosure: I don’t.] His most notorious tour in America was called (by him) The Dangerous Faggot Tour. The totalitarians from AntiFa have stopped him speaking in several universities around the country. 

 Simon and Shuster agreed to publish his book and he was invited to speak before a Republican conservative group. Both those invitations were rescinded. Why? You guessed it… SEX!

Someone found a video of Yiannopoulos interviewed. In that interview, he says that sexual relationships between 13-year-old (today I am a man) teens and older men and women can be "perfectly consensual" and positive experiences for the boys Following the release of the video, Yiannopoulos was forced out of his position at Breitbart, and he lost a contract to publish his autobiography. Score: “Yiannopoulos and global warming” 37,200 . “Yiannopoulos and pedophilia” 95,600.

Pedophilia? Child sex? What the hell is a child in the first place? Anti-sex feminists are up in arms (twats?) about Indian child brides. The U.S. has among the highest sexual age of consent laws in the world. The idiotic Judeo-Christian morality of the ten commandments… that original legal list of God’s preferences… is the same Judeo-Christian morality that lurks behind the bugaboo of child sex.

Nature provides an age of consent. Why does a Bar Mitzvah boy (age 13) say, today I am a man? Why is the age of consent 12 years old in Holland? PUBERTY! Girls don’t menstruate. Women do. Boys don’t ejaculate, no matter how much they like playing with it. Men do. There is no line more naturally delineated than the line between child and adult. It’s as plain as the red streaks in her panties.

A child bride is seven years old… not seventeen. It is exploiting to make someone work 18 hours a day-- not to give them a shortcut to movie stardom by opening their legs. It is trafficking to bring a truckload of Central Americans to work 3 jobs just to be able to pay the mafia truck driver-- not to allow someone to make five times those wages with the scrape of a penis.

Americans are too dumb and too Judeo-Christian to ever change. That's why Moore was right to have those tables sculpted in the front yard of his court. They are a monument to supreme stupidity.

--end

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ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Subscribe to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

→ Late Note Dept: Just as I was preparing this for blogification, a tsunami of gleeful facebook quotes let me know that thousands of women were delighting in the gleeful revenge exacted from Bill Cosby. His accusers sought payback for incidents more than 40 years old. They got a lot before. In the modern world, just an accusation is enough... when it comes to sex. Without a conviction, reruns of The Cosby Show and other shows featuring Cosby have also been pulled from syndication. Twenty-five colleges and universities have rescinded his honorary degrees. 

But the coup d'malace comes now. The beaten, humiliated and near-death 80-year old will spend the few short years he's got left... behind bars. Oh yeah... that's not revenge... it's justice. Yeah, right.

→Forgot to mention dept: George Bush Sr. the Vlad Putin of America... orchestrater of the original Iraqi war. The man who famously said Read my lips... no tax increase before increasing taxes. For what crime has he been condemned for, what did he apologize to the American people? Yep... when he was 90 years old... Bordering on senility 90! Confined to a wheelchair 90. He was accused of... you guessed it: sexual harassment. What kind? 

He didn't shake my hand. He touched me from behind from his wheelchair with his wife Barbara Bush by his side. He told me a dirty joke. And then, all the while being photographed, touched me again.

HE TOUCHED HER!!!! TOUCHED! A 90 year old! Oh the horror!

→Speaking of the Irish dept: Most folks guessed that my Deport the Irish column of last month was an April Fools prank. Some of my best bars are Irish! Still, the Irish are tempting targets because they come off so… so… well. Take this surveillance video released by the Irish Independent newspaper. It shows a burglar trying to break into a car at 1 a.m. in front of the Pheasant Bar in Drogheda, Ireland. The weapon of entry is a brick. The video star has plans of smashing a window to get into the car. Surprise! The brick rebounds and knocks the man out, bloodying him.

Gerry Brady, owner of the bar, found the burglar in the parking lot... dazed. He called for an ambulance with the accompanying police. Somehow, the would-be robber still managed to run away before police arrived. Only when Brady later watched video did he realize what the man had been trying to do. Duh!

→But wait there’s more dept: The Education Culture Shock blog reports the adventures of an American teacher in Ireland. She had the following discussion with her students:

"Why do Americans speak English?" the student asked.

I (the teacher) couldn't help but let a little laugh squeak out with that one. I was thinking a few other people in the room would join in on the laugh, but instead I was faced with 14 expectant students waiting for my answer and wondering what was so funny.

"Wait, ya'll really have no idea why Americans speak English?" I asked.

"Christopher Columbus!" a voice called out proudly.

→ Sex=Death dept: The New York Post reports that a Florida man accused of murdering his girlfriend claims she accidentally choked to death while giving him head. Richard Henry Patterson now wants permission from a judge to bolster his argument by showing his penis to a jury to support his claim that the woman choked to death while performing oral sex on him. As of this writing it’s unclear if the flesh demonstration request will be honored.

I say, “See? It’s just another way I’m SAFE! Try me!”

  

→ One small victory dept: In case you missed it, the Supreme Court, in an 8-0 decision said that the clause in the copyright law that prohibits “disparaging people or institutions” is unconstitutional. The case was brought by an Asian-American music group called The Slants, who were denied a trademark because of that clause. Their name, it was said, is racist.

Now let's hear it for the Washington Redskins!!

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LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends... and enemies... in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

• David Goldberg's Busy Microbes Blog
  
• And another Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com
  
• Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency
  
• Sometimes I contribute to an interesting multi-talented blog called OgFomK Arts see me there!
  
• And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.
  
• And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.
  
• Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.
  
• Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.
  
• Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.
  
• George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently.
  
• And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.