Saturday, February 02, 2019

You’re STILL Wrong Mykel's February 2019 Blog/Column "What Did You Ask Me?"

You’re Still Wrong
Mykel's Blog for February 2019
"What Did You Ask Me?"


The year is 1983. The evil Ed Koch is mayor. It’s late fall and there’s a cold mist in the air. I walk down Bleecker Street toward the Peculier Pub… my favorite bar in New York. I tuck my chin toward my chest trying to catch the wind so it pushes my fedora tighter onto my head, rather than catching it and sweeping it off. There a light TSICK TSICK TSICK, as my heels touch the sidewalk and grind ahead to the soles.


Fuck! Dog shit! Stepped right into it. I don’t even have to look… just feel the squoosh… a few seconds later, the smell hits me. Soon, the odor is stuck in my nose like a persistent booger. Damn! Ya know, dogshit is the world’s best argument against anarchism. The only way to get dog-owners to clean up is to make ‘em pay for not doing it. Only governments can do that…. I write a letter to the mayor.

Dear Mayor Koch!

This afternoon, while walking down Bleecker Street, I stepped in a pile of dogshit. Dogshit is everywhere… on the sidewalk… in the gutter… on the curb between. How many dozens of men and women track dogshit into their offices and homes… and homes of their friends? How many shoes are scraped barely clean only to again step in the ordure?

Can’t we do something? A law that will stop this fouling of shoes… an executive order that will keep us from having to do the disgusting job of wiping excreted Purina from our Pumas or DooDoo from our Doc Martens?

Thank you for your consideration,

Mykel Board.

Two weeks pass:

Dear Mr. Board,

Thank you for your letter. I understand your concern. You’ll be happy to know I have introduced a bill to the city council to take care of the PooShoe problem. I’ve been assured of their support.

Starting April 1 of this year, there will be a hundred dollar fine for wearing shoes on a New York City sidewalk. A city of barefoot pedestrians is the easiest way to absolutely stop the problem of pet-fouled shoes.

I’m sure you’ll agree that strong action must be taken… and with the support of people like you… I’ve taken it.

Your servant,
Edward Koch, Mayor

Get it? You see what you think is the problem… you explain it… ask questions… get results. The solution “works,” but is fucked! The fuckitude is not in the answer. It’s in the question.

If you ask, “How do I keep dogshit off my shoes?”, the answer is “Don’t wear shoes.” Pretty useless in the city… especially in winter… but it answers the question. If you ask, “ “How do we keep dogshit off the street?” Then we can fine people who don’t clean up after their dogs. A solution that has greatly worked in the city (aka the pooper scooper law)… and maybe the only good thing Ed Koch has ever done... besides dying.


October 15, 2013: Police in Dallas responded to a call from the mother of Bobby Bennett … a 52-year- old schizophrenic. Mom called 911 to report that her son had a pocket knife. She was worried he might hurt himself.

The cops shot the son, later claiming he lunged at them with the knife. Video of the incident, however, shows Bennett rolling backward in his chair as two officers approach. They draw their guns when Bennett stands up. Bennett stands with his arms at his side, yet the officers shoot and kill him.  

Bobby Bennett
“Had I known this was going to happen, I would have never called police,” the mother said. 

Charges are filed against the cops. The right wingers defend them. The left denounces them. I say it’s like making people walk barefoot through shit. The problem isn’t the cops shooting or not shooting. The problem is that mom had no one else to call except the cops! Cops are trained to shoot and defend. They’re not psychiatrists. Why couldn’t the mom call a psychiatrist? There’s no system for that. 

See, it’s not the answer, it’s the question. If you ask, “How can we punish cops who shoot the mentally ill?” You still get cops shooting people they don’t understand… mainly out of spontaneous concern for their own safety. Cops are trained like soldiers. Kill or be killed. The quick trigger finger wins. 

If you ask, “What alternatives to cops can we provide for dealing with looney birds?” Then you might see a social system that includes people trained in psychology rather than target shooting. 

Part of the problem comes from logic. If you apply simple logic to complicated problems, you get simple answers… that are wrong. I’ve written before about Costco Thinking… a peculiarly American logic that says if a box of cookies costs $8 in a supermarket, and you can get ten boxes for $50 at Costco… you save $30. Logical, right? 

But wrong! If you have one box of cookies in your room, you’ll eat it slowly.  One at a time with your free hand while you do that “get me to sleep thing” to You may forego a snack completely to save the last one for breakfast 

If you have TEN boxes of cookies, you’ll shovel ‘em down… eat ‘em by the fistful… there’s more where that came from. So while your one box of cookies might last three days… your ten boxes will disappear in the same time. Costco thinking costs you money… It doesn’t save you money. 

If you ask, “How much will I spend on a box of cookies?” you’ll end up losing money… and getting fat in the process. If you ask, “How long will a box of cookies last if I have only one?” , you’ll make the smart decision. The question counts more than the answer. 

You can see wrong questions in politics more than anywhere else. 

Donny Trump says he’s pulling US troops out of Syria. 

“ISIS is defeated. It’s time to leave.” he says. 

KERPOW! Four soldiers and a bunch of people without guns get killed in an ISIS attack. 

“See?” comes the anti-Trump response, “ISIS isn’t defeated; we need to stay.” 

It’s like walking barefoot in dogshit. ISIS attacks because we attack them. Guaranteed… if there are no US soldiers in Syria, no US soldiers will be killed in Syria. It DOESN’T MATTER if ISIS is defeated or not. 

I once ask my Kung Fu teacher, “Sifu, if you’re by yourself and ten guys walk up to you with baseball bats and demand your wallet, what move do you recommend? Can you use bong sao against a baseball bat? Or would you try fook sao?”

“Mykel,” answers the teacher, “if I’m confronted with ten guys with baseball bats and they demand my wallet, I throw my wallet to them and turn and run.”

Wiser words were never uttered. 

It’s only a macho… football-like… attitude… “Winning is the only thing...” that keeps us fighting. Yo buckaroo, throw in the towel. Okay, you win. We’re outta here! 

If you ask “How do we win?” You’ve got to stay and keep fighting… probably to lose in the end. (Can you say Vietnam?) If you ask, “How do we get out of this mess?” The answer’s easy… turn the other way and run. 

Elections are won or lost because people ask (and answer) the wrong questions. 

Andrew Cuomo answers every political question with I am not Donald Trump.  Donny T. says build the wall! Cuomo says  I am not Donald Trump. Donny says, Cut social security and welfare. Cuomo says,  I am not Donald Trump. Donny says, Yeah I screwed that hot porno star. Wouldn’t you? 

Cuomo says,  I am not Donald Trump. 

Cuomo was a complete dogturd as governor. He dismantled a corruption committee that was investigating him. He wanted to privatize education, starting so-called charter schools that have failed most everywhere they’ve been tried. Instead of improving public education, he wanted to union-bust to privatize it. Cuomo has been a big-business booster on every front and when challenged answers,  I am not Donald Trump.

Well, maybe that answers the wrong question. If Trump’s election proved anything it is that  I am not Donald Trump is not good enough. Yet it is the only platform for most of the Democrats. Except for Bernie Sanders and maybe Elizabeth Warren… all they have is  I am not Donald Trump. Hell, I’m not Donald Trump either… and I’d make a piss-poor president. 

The Democrats don’t see it. They haven’t learned their lesson, and are writing the last election off as a fluke… or trickery by the evil Russian empire… and its leader, Vlad the Impaler.  Since I live in the always Democrat NY, my vote is unimportant in the general election. Up until I discovered the right questions, I wasn’t sure what swing-state voters ought to do. Now I know…

The question isn’t, “Are you Donald Trump?” The question is, “What do you want to do as president?”

I don’t care if Beto O’Rouke was a punk rocker. He’s funded by the big oil companies and we know what he wants… or doesn’t want to do. Michael Bloomberg is a circumcised version of Cuomo… and worse. Do we need another billionaire president-- one more interested in controlling guns than in controlling the wealth of his fellow billionaires? 

And speaking of guns… take gun control… please! Background checks. Waiting periods. According to Wikipedia, there are 393 million guns in the US. More than one per person. So you want to control gun sales??? Who needs to buy a new gun, when there are so many just lying around for the taking? 

And worse, calls for background checks would do much more harm than good. Check out the school killers… the mass shooters… they’d pass the check in a second. I’ve already written about how if you want to predict a mass shooter, check his MILITARY background. MOST mass killers old enough to vote have been in the military. Check mental health history? All that will do is prevent gun owners-- or potential gun owners-- from getting the mental health care they need. Go to a shrink and your guns… I’d chose guns, wouldn’t you? 

And yes, the question is wrong. “How can we prevent psychos from buying guns?” gets nothing but psychos who don’t get help. “What causes Americans to think of guns as a way to solve their problems?” Ahhh now we’re getting to it. 

“The people demand answers,” say those conspiracy freaks who think Russia is behind every move Trump makes… even if it’s the right move. Fuck that. I say “the people demand better questions,” – or they should.

Don’t you think so?

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Subscribe to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group]

-→Uber uber alles dept: Uber is an evil exploiting company that has wrecked the cab business in New York. Several taxi drivers have killed themselves because of the position Uber put them in.
Now we hear that at 2AM, Craig Wistar, of Warren, Ohio was behind the wheel of a car facing east in a westbound lane. When police came to investigate they saw a woman in the back seat. She mouthed "Help me" to officers as they questioned Wistar. Oh yeah, the guy had a bottle of vodka at his feet.
Wistar told the cops
, he was “Ubering," The lucky Uber passenger got a ride home from police. Wister pleaded guilty on Jan. 14 to driving under the influence.
It’s so easy to just click the UBER button, isn’t it? How ‘bout asking if you SHOULD?

Prevent the crime rather than punish the criminal dept: In Williamson County, Texas, the police are using cardboard cutouts to reduce speeding. They are all true-to-life photos of a cop pointing a radar device at the roadway. The psychological message? "Slow down because you never know if it's real or not." The local sheriff said he tested the idea in school zones and, "We didn't get one speeder."
Time to drop cardboard soldiers into the desert in Syria? Let Donny T. bring the real ones home.

-→Fork you dept: The International Journal of Surgery Cases published a report detailing the case of a 70-year-old man admitted to the hospital with “bleeding urethral meatus,” which in layman’s terms means his pee hole was in bad shape.
Turns out he stuffed a 4-inch fork into his urethra in an attempt to “achieve sexual gratification.” The fork was successfully removed using forceps and “copious lubrication.”
My question… same as yours… but maybe he was trying to fish out a spaghetti strand.

Mixed-feelings dept: Yes, MRR is finally stopping print publication. I haven’t seen it in years, but George Tabb tells me it had turned into a zine for transexuals. Doesn’t sound bad to me. I didn’t call my second pack of twelve inches Boy With A Cunt for nothing. BUT, after how I was treated by the post-Tim MRR dictators, I can’t say I’m completely sorry.
So, folks, it’s time to learn German and read TRUST… Is there another punk zine out there?

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I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends... and enemies... in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:
  • David Goldberg's Busy Microbes Blog
  • And another
  • I post a blog for Kyle Nonnemon, in prison for a ton of shit. He's a smart guy, with a passion for industrial metal and a general detestation of humankind. You can read his blog at:
  • Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency
  • Sometimes I contribute to an interesting multi-talented blog called OgFomK Arts see me there!
  • And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! Yesterday's Recipes (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out .
  • And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.
  • Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.
  • Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.
  • Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.
  • George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently.
  • And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

CONTACT REDUX: You can contact me on facebook or by email at Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Subscribe to the MYKEL'S READERS' Yahoo group:

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