Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts

Thursday, May 01, 2025

Can you say TUSKER DU? or Mykels May 2025 Blog/Column

  

You’re STILL Wrong
Mykel's

May 2025 Blog/Column

A TUSKER GREETING


I’m leaving London because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.

– Groucho Marks


An antitourist is a tourist whose vanity and tourist angst compels him to distance himself from other tourists by shunning organized tours, consuming local food no matter how nasty, eschewing the use of taxis in favor of public transportation, and ostentatiously not carrying a camera.

– Paul Fussel


It is not the fully conscious mind which chooses Africa in preference to Switzerland.

– Graham Greene



When I first arrived at London Heathrow, coming from New York, I asked a random person sitting behind a random desk dressed in a random uniform, about my up-coming trip to Kenya. “When should I check in for an international flight?”

“You should be at the airport three hours before departure,” she says.

The plane is scheduled to leave at 9AM.. That means I should be here at 6 in the fuckin’ morning.

“Shit,” I answer her.

She shrugs.

Heathrow Airport in London is one of the busiest in the world. And they skin you every step of the way. You even have to pay to drop someone off at the curb and let them walk to the terminal!

It’s 5:30AM. Anant is picking me up from Claire and Alistair’s in a couple minutes. He’ll drive me to Heathrow… and pay to drop me off. Watta guy! Claire and Alistair are up to see me leave and to greet Anant. 5:30 AM!!!! For me, that’s bedtime! The world doesn’t turn itself on at 5:30AM. There is no dawn’s early light. No rockets red glare. NOTHING HAPPENS at 5:30 in the morning. Except that I leave for Heathrow Airport to catch a 9:00AM flight to Nairobi, Kenya.
















 [ Note: I’ve visited Anant when he lived in Bermuda, New York, Oxford and London. In India, his family adopted me for a tour of the North of that country. And yes, I saw the Taj Mahal. Here we are in an Oxford pub]

The airport too is just waking up. I look for my flight on the electric signboard. It’s not there. I walk past closed concessions… closed duty free shops… restrooms with yellow triangle CLOSED, BEING CLEANED signs in front of them. I check another TV screen. I see what seems like my flight… looks like it’s telling me to go to another terminal for the gate. I want to check in first… no I don’t. I can’t. There is no place to check in.

I walk to the British Airways section of the main terminal. There are no uniformed people sitting at counters, waiting to for me to hand them my passport. Zero. It’s all machines. Scan. Scan! Scan! I don’t know what to do. I’m an hour and a half early… typical for me. Fuck that scan shit. I want a real flesh and bodily organs person-- not a machine. How can I tell a machine it looks like Diana Rigg?

Somewhere, there is a check-in area (AREA D) for the Nairobi flight. I have to check-in and get my boarding pass. There’s a map, showing where the check-in area is supposed to be. I follow the map and find myself in a large space with a lot of empty chairs and some of those stanchions with flat red ropes like you find outside of stores in New York, holding back lines of Generation Z’s waiting to spend their parent’s money.

[NOTE: I don’t know about your city. But one of the newest fashions in New York is waiting on line (most Americans says “in line”, in NYC we wait on-line) to shop. Walk down any Soho street and you’ll see line after line waiting to get into some clothing store or restaurant. Most of the waiting people are 20-somethings taking selfies and texting their friends. Wow! Look at me! I’m in line at the new Kith in New York fuckin’ city!]

“Can I help you, sir?” asks a… er… mature woman wearing what looks like a stewardess uniform.

“I’m supposed to be on the 9 o’clock flight to Nairobi,” I tell her. “I don’t know how to check in. No bags, I’m carrying everything on board.”

“I’ll help you,” says the matron. “Follow me.”

I follow her to one of the machines. “Let me see your passport,” she says as we approach the machine.

I hand it to her. “And I need to see your visa… and your PTA.”

“PTA?” I ask. “I’m not a parent. No kids in school.”

ETA,” she says. “Not PTA… ETA… Electronic Travel Authorization”

I take out a folder with a printout of what I think/hope is my ETA. I hand her the printout. It has the ugliest picture of me anywhere. I had to take it from my home computer as I was doing the paperwork on-line.






 “This isn’t it,” she tells me. “It’s a piece of it, but not the whole thing. Check your phone. It should be in a message from the Kenyan Consulate.”

I turn on the the phone and open messages. Somehow, I to find the right page… a tiny attachment to a consulate file. I don’t know how it can be usable… but it is. The woman scans the phone, pushes some buttons, flips some levers, hands me my passport and a boarding pass.

“You’re all set,” she says.

“Thanks,” I answer, “but I’m never all set.”

She doesn’t laugh.

“Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Diana Rigg?” I ask.

“Who?” she answers.

I take my leave and find the right gate at about 8:15. It’s an ordinary airport-looking gate. A few people are there already... and boy am I pissed off. They’re all white. How is Willy going to find me among this crew? All white people look the same… except for hair color. That’s not enough.

[Note: I “met” Willy on the internet doing a search for PUNK and NAIROBI. Turns out he plays guitar in POWERSLIDE, a Kenyan punk band. We corresponded and he promised to meet me at the airport in Nairobi. He’ll also set up one night at a hotel. The next day, I’ll couch-surf with some locals. Willy asks me to bring him some books that are hard to find in Kenya. “No problem,” I tell him.]

Near the Heathrow departure gate is a DUTY FREE shop-- open now, I buy some Jack Daniels for my couch-surfing host. Willy will meet me at the airport... if he can find me. I still have half an hour before the plane leaves. I check my phone to see if there are any messages from the other side of the world. There is one from Albert, my future host in the Nigerian countryside:

The banditry crisis in our area has reached alarming levels. Even our area chief was recently killed while escorting some tourists. The situation has become unbearable—these bandits terrorize us every night, leaving us in constant fear and unable to sleep. Just yesterday, I was on duty with ten other men, trying to protect our community from another attack. We are doing everything we can, but without proper support, our efforts may not be enough.

Shit... just what I need to start the adventure. BANDITS! I look up how to say “Oy vey” in Swahili. Google Translate doesn’t.

I quickly text back to Albert, asking him if he thinks it’s too dangerous for me to visit. He tells me Kenya isn’t dangerous, but his area, Saburu, is. My friends who’ve been to Kenya say that everywhere is dangerous. Nairobi is commonly called Nairobbery, they tell me. I buy one of those chain wallets… you know. with thick links from wallet to belt… then a leather loop around the belt. I have a spare $20 and a 1000 shilling (about $10) note in a secret zippered compartment in the back of my belt.

“The pickpockets work in pairs,” my friend, Terry tells me. (She’d been in the city at the turn of the century.) “One person will grab your right shoulder from behind. You turn to him and his accomplice will reach into your left pocket and be off with the loot before you can say nakupenda.”

The plane boards on time. It’s a huge British Airways plane-- a US built Boeing 777... a dozen seats across in the economy section. Aisles so narrow that when the stewardess walks down them, she alternately hip bumps first the passenger on the right and then the one on the left.

FLASH TO INSIDE THE PLANE. While we sit on the runway, I wonder about my couch-surfing host and hostess... wonder about my bag of books… wonder how Willy will find me… I clearly will NOT be the only white guy on the plane. I mentally go over my Swahili.

Nimefurahi kukutana nawe (nice to meet you) Mimi sim Kenya. Mimi nim mwamerica. (I’m not Kenyan. I’m American) Nina njaa (I’m hungry). Samahani. (Excuse me) . I learned that you address an older woman as mama and a young woman as bibi. A male stranger is bwana. Which is what, I think, Tonto called The Lone Ranger.

We’re off! Regular readers know that I’m usually opposed to the death penalty. One exception I often talk about is driving at the speed limit in the left lane. Another, for public transportation, is leaning the seat back, often slamming into the knees of the person behind you. Yo! Look behind you! If no one is sitting there, you can recline your seat, but keep an eye out for a late-arriving passenger. If someone IS sitting there, sit up straight like your mama told you. Leaning back where there are only inches to go is rude, thoughtless, smug, and worthy of beheading. Luigi Mangione, you’d know what to do.

The “safety instructions,” usually given by a steward or stewardess… you know “you fasten the seat belt by inserting the tab into the buckle like this… and then pulling the belt firmly... like this.” is given in a video now. The screen on the back of the seat in front of you shows a video of middle ages knights in armor… strapping themselves to their horses. They have to put on their seatbelts. (Saddle belts?) The part about the dropping oxygen mask is given by the queen in her royal parlor.

The people sitting next to me seem deeply involved in the royalty on the screen. Yeah, I’ve got an aisle seat in this monster of a plane. Each section has four seats… that means there are TWO middle seats. I should have asked for one of them this time, so I could free myself from the stewardess’s hip bumps. The serious looks on the other faces in the row tell me this’ll be one of those flights where I’m not going to make any new friends. I don’t really care. The whole row is white anyway. That’s NOT why I’m going to Kenya!

I lean against the upright back of my seat… I still have 6 hours ahead of me… ahhhh! Shit! The asshole in front of me leans his seat back into my lap. I open the table in the back of his seat. Slam it open. Using two hands like I’m playing a bongo, I bang out an I Want Candy riff. The girl by the window... seeing what I’m doing… and knowing exactly why I’m doing it… turns toward me and smiles. The guy in the seat in front of me pretends nothing is wrong. We’ll see who wins this contest.

Ah, the food cart comes around. I signal the stewardess maneuvering the cart. I push my hands forward, looking at the seat in front of me. She gets it. She walks up to the guy and taps him on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, sir. We’re serving our first meal,” she says. “Please put your seat in an upright position.”

He does, and I give a thumbs up to the stewardess. She’s cute… and I feel an stirring between my legs toward its own an upright position

British Air still gives free non-alcoholic drinks with its meals… though the portions are smaller than what you’d normally buy in the local deli.  



After dinner, I try to sleep. The asshole in the seat in front of me reclines it again. I kick his seat. He pretends not to notice. I half drift off to sleep, dreaming of the Nairobi airport with huge Barack Obama murals… maybe with the former president cavorting among the elephants and giraffes. Fuck, I can’t sleep... maybe if I turn and try to sleep on my side. BLAM! I slam my knee into the back of the asshole’s seat. He clears his throat.

We land very close to the scheduled time… 9:35PM. I’m sitting toward the back of the plane, where the cheap seats are. I’m in a half-sleep fog when the pilot announces we’re preparing for landing PUT AWAY YOUR TRAY TABLES AND PUT YOUR SEATS IN AN UPRIGHT POSITION. He does not say “assholes.”

As we taxi towards the gate, the more awake among us are already standing up and getting their stuff out of the overhead compartments. My backpack is under the seat in front of me and my computer bag (with trinkets for the natives), coat and hat are stuffed in one of the overheads, now being ruffled through by THE ASSHOLE.

Things retrieved, I follow the slow-moving line out of the plane, down the portable stairs rolled up to the door. We’re then shuffled into a shuttle bus to go through immigration. I check my wallet to see if I have an available 1000Ksh (Kenyan shillings) note, in case I need it for a bribe. Remembering my arrival in Senegal a couple decades ago… and talking with my travel agent in New York (from Ghana)… I come prepared.

It turns out I don’t need it. Kenyan immigration and customs is maybe the easiest of all of the 71 other countries I’ve visited. Passing through a large hall… with NO Obama pictures, I show my passport and that stupid ETA on my phone to a guy sitting at a table. He looks up at me. Smiles like a grandfather indulging his grandson, stamps my passport, and says “Welcome to Nairobi!”

I thank him and exit into the baggage room. Having no bags to retrieve, I walk through the room, asking a guard for the mensroom. He shows me the exit-from-the-baggage-pick-up door and tells me there’s a “toilet down the hall on the right.” Aaah, a civilized country where the word “toilet” isn’t taboo!

I take care of business then look around for Willy, who said he’d be at the airport to greet me. Not that I know what he looks like. Despite all the white people, there should at least be one local looking like he’s looking for someone. And no, there are no Obama pictures inside the terminal… or anywhere else I can see.

I walk around, trying to look like I’m trying to look for someone. It doesn’t work. In my trench-coat and fedora, in any other country, I’d have a man in uniform immediately asking, “Can I help you with something?” while radioing headquarters with my description.

I leave the terminal. Outside are a lot of men who look like they’re cab drivers looking for customers. I look around for someone who looks like I imagine Willy looks. No luck. I walk up to one of the cab-driver looking guys.

“Unaweza kuongea kiingereza?” I ask.

He laughs at my stumbling Swahili. “Everybody in Kenya speaks English,” he says. “We learn it in elementary school.”

“I can’t find my friend,” I tell him. “Could you speak to him and tell him where I am? I don’t know where I am.”

He laughs again, but says, “sure.”

I call Willy’s number on my Samsung, then hand the phone to the driver. He runs away with it. Naw, I’m shittin’ you.

Really, he speaks to Willy and explains where we are. Around ten minutes later, Willy and his attractive girlfriend, Jecinta, show up right in front of me.

“Mykel!” he says giving me a hug.

After a short conversation, Jecinta says she has to leave… work tomorrow morning I think. We give our good byes. This will be the last time I ever see her… for the whole duration of the trip. After she walks off, Willy texts his uber, waiting in the airport parking lot. We get it and the driver goes off to the expensive hotel, Hotel Ibis.

It’s near the airport. And it’s my first night... after a long flight, I can spring for the $70. No shower for the week in London. I expect there’s one in the hotel room. Nothing like arriving at a couch-surfer’s home smelling like Irish Spring.

I check in at the hotel desk. The woman at the desk takes my credit card, runs it through her machine and hands me a card for the room, and, as it turns out, is also a card for entrance to the hallway that leads to the room. And for the upper floors in the elevator. This is my first experience with SECURITY… actually over-security… in Kenya. In many ways, I think Kenya will prove to be a model for future America. I’ll write about that later.

After checking in, Willy and I go to a table near the entrance and sit down so I can give him  the books I bought for him. Mostly Nietzsche, and Eastern philosophy… [NOTE: as time goes on, I notice Willy sits with his eyes closed, hands on his lap in deep meditation before every meal. He’s a Buddhist... like YOUTH OF TODAY] I bring him one extra book he didn’t ask for and explain that it’s written by a much respected American author and he should read it to really understand America.




After that, I drop my bags off in the room. And go up to the rooftop bar with Willy. Oh yeah! Tusker beer at the hotel. Looks like it’s only us in the bar. I toast Willy with HONGERA, the Swahili word for “cheers” taught to me by Albert in a facebook message. Willy doesn’t react. The waiter frowns. 

“What’s that?” he asks.

“I thought it was cheers in Swahili. My facebook friend taught it to me.”

“Maybe it’s a local language word.” he says. “We usually say, mad-LOW-ba!”

Willy smiles. Now I don’t know if they’re shittin’ me or not. Serves me right. At Drink Club in NYC, I tell my Japanese friends that Besa mi culo means “cheers” in Spanish. I tell my German friends that Pitchka ti mate in Serbian means “cheers.” Everybody else learns from me that Mong chong ii is “cheers” in Korean.



After I buy us a few drinks. At around 12:30, Willy takes his leave, I go down to my hotel room and DON’T take a shower. I’m beat. I’ll just do that thing that guys do to help them sleep… and sleep I do. Check-out is 10 AM!!! Whoever heard of such a thing? But it is. So I have to get up at 9 o’clock, eat my free breakfast and make my way into downtown Nairobi.

My phone alarm wakes me at 9. I stupidly hit the SNOOZE button, and get up again with 10 minutes to spare.

[To be continued…]


See you in hell,

Mykel Board


ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]


Next Surveillance Dept: Sid Yiddish sent me this… about a new bacteria find that can be traced by machine. I can’t imagine who would be interested in the possibility of infecting people with a bacteria that makes them easy to follow. Can you?

I Wrote on Facebook Dept: I posted this on Facebook. So sorry to see George Santos going to prison for longer than he has served in Congress. That guy was such a great actor... and the most atoms person in government. Only my pal Tony Autoharp asked what “the most atoms person" meant. The other commenters –and there were a bunch– were just interested in chiding me for my opinions, even though I’m sure they didn’t get the "atoms" either. Oh yeah, you know atoms, right? They make up everything.

Repeat Performance Dept: The Week magazine had this article that shows the effect of a well-placed sharp piece of metal. I hear the insurance company in the article reversed itself right after the Luigi Mangione adventure: See? It works.



LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:


LINKS

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.


Here's a start:

Sid Yiddish sent me this link to all his videos. It’s a great place to start, especially if you don’t know him.

I did a nice interview with The Aither zine. Interesting questions, complete, and questions I’ve never been asked before. You can read it here. It’s a good one.

Here’s Ricardo Wang with a “micro-label” in Seattle “specializing in 8-track tapes and CDs. WOW! Check out one of their label staples: The Dead Air Fresheners, best band name of the year.

Also on bandcamp: My very long time faves in NYC, the BLACKOUT SHOPPERS. Featuring pals Seth and possibly the next vice-president of the US

Sid Yiddish has posted a video of a show done for WZRD in Chicago. Great live performances, and if you catch the video around the 20+ minute point you might see a familiar face doing the lyrics to his songs (some unrecorded) as poetry. You’ll find it
here.

And this sounds right up Sid’s alley. The Bilderberg Jazz Arkestra on Bandcamp!

Eric Grayson has an online music review zine, Sobriquet. Full pictures of the sleeves too! Something missing from too many zines. Sometimes you CAN judge a… er… book… by its cover.

Steen Thomsen is a Dane I’ve known ever since Lincoln was shot. I put his band THE ZERO POINT on the great WORLD CLASS PUNK Cassette for ROIR. It must be worth a mint now. I don’t have any left, I’m afraid. You can (and should) connect to the Zero Point on facebook. Tell ‘em Mykel’s blog sent you.

Sorry Dorothy, we are STILL in Kansas. And it’s as weird as OZ. Check out Bob Cutler’s DISTOPEKA.

You already know Murder & Mayhem zine… those guys who did the Mykel Board centerfold. (No genitals shown… and probably for the better.) Their online version is here.

The Clean Boys from Denmark are also longtime friends of mine. In Denmark we recorded as The Bend-over Boys. Only one 10-inch available… but at least now I can say I have a 10-incher!

Finally, for this month, Margaret O’Brian asked me to include the site: anti-war.com They seem to be folks after my own heart.


Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com


Tuesday, April 01, 2025

Yes, I Ken! or Mykel's Post MRR Blog April 2025

 

You’re STILL Wrong
Mykel's

APRIL 2025 Blog/Column

KENYA? Yes I ken!


Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.
                                           – David Letterman


In Kenya you've got the great birds and monkeys leaping through the trees overhead. It's a chance to remember what the world is really like.
– Joanna Lumley

Kenya is an immense land with a capacity for healing.
– Yvonne Adhiambo Owuor


I know it’s April, but I’m not fooling with this one. I skipped a month because of my trip to Kenya… and I want to write about it before I forget. (These days I forget… forget… er… what was I saying?) So no April Fools post this year… Those who follow me on facebook will know some of these adventures. I posted a lot of them, although I’ll do some re-writing for this blog post. 

My trip was quite amazing. And thanks to some Kenyans, I’ve thought things, seen things and done things I’ve never thought, seen or done before. All that with NO SEX. Not that I didn’t have the chance (I’ll write about that later) but I didn’t have the ability! That prostate radiation… well, lemme tell ya. It pushed some wrong buttons. 

But the trip starts in New York, as do many things in the world today. It was a facebook friend request from Alberto (real name, Albert), a fascinating guy. He tells me he’s from Kenya. I tell him the only two things Americans know about Kenya are Barack Obama and the New York Marathon. 

Mentally I have a picture of a country with Obama everywhere. People would carry wallets with Obama’s picture on the front. Wear Obama t-shirts. Carry Obama shopping bags. I’m wrong, but I’ll write about that later.

Albert and I talk politics a bit. The US election is coming up. It’s big news in Kenya. Albert wants my prediction. 

“I think Trump is going to win,” I tell him. “People are tired of the same old shit. But don’t listen to me. My predictions are usually wrong.”

 Albert wants to know more about Donny Trump. I explain that he’s not very popular in America but I think people want a radical change. Trump represents change. Kamala Harris represents a continuation of the same thing. Also a lot of people are angry tht Harris wasn’t chosen by election, but was just given the job as candidate. 

We talk about our countries. I tell him that Kenya isn’t in the news very much here… actually any other country isn’t in the news very much over here, unless there’s a war. I do mention that I read about “tax riots in Nairobi.” And asked him what the story was behind that. Anybody hurt? Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys?

It's all about increase in tax by parliament. Kenya’s president William Ruto rejects and withdraws his own Finance Bill after nationwide protests against over-taxation. The police are using live bullets to shoot at the young generation in Nairobi who are protesting Two people including a child shot dead in Ongata Rongai, Kajiado County during the anti-government protests; 19 others left with gunshot injuries across the country.

Wow!

And the discussions continue. Now, tt’s just after the US election. Results are starting to come in. TV news here has not yet projected a winner. In Kenya, Alberto tells me, they say that Trump won. He shows me a map with a lot of red and a little blue at the right and left edges. 

We talk over a couple of months and then Albert makes what I hoped was a fatal flaw. “If you ever come to Kenya,” he says, “you can stay with me.”

Ah, a free place to stay in an exotic country. Bang! I’m on it. I Google (actually DuckDuckGo) “Kenya” and “punk rock” and find a punk rocker in a band called .Powerslide His name is Willy, and he already knows what it means in English slang. Then I try “Kenya” and “haiku” (if you don’t know my relationship to haiku and Japan send me a private message.) And find a teacher/headmaster in Nairobi who was one of the first people in the world to write haiku in Swahili!!! (See the endnotes for more info on his school.) And the school is in a self-described slum. Wow. Right up my alley. 

So now I’m WhatsApping this crew, asking about the right season to go,  how long they can put me up, if they want “something small” from New York. The punk rocker wants Nietzsche and Far Eastern religion books. The headmaster wants haiku. And Albert wants a cellphone. 

What the hell, I’m going to be sleeping on his floor for a month, a $200 cellphone is two nights in a New York hotel. I get a Samsung at Best Buy. Costs $250 dollars, but that’s less than two weeks in a hotel. The books for the punk rocker I find in the second-hand bookstores in the neighborhood. 

Besides books, I find a great travel agent from Ghana… now in New York. I plan a week in London visiting my very old friends. Then a month in Kenya. A week in Nairobi with the punk rocker. Then two weeks in the countryside with Albert. Then another week back in Nairobi. All the time, as usual, being led by my Willy. 

I take out all the Swahili books and CDs I can find in the library. Since Covid, there have been no late fees on overdue books, and I’ll have a ton of them.  I fall asleep listening to Samahani, bibi. Wehweh unfamamu kiingereza?



Then I scour the streets of Chinatown for NYC t-shirts to use as trinkets for the natives. I look in bookstores for Nietzsche.

For the first week of the trip, I plan to stay in London with Claire Jackson who I met when I was living at the Lin Piao (aka Lin Biao) Commune in London in 1970. Lin Piao, by the way, was a Chinese general who died in a suspicious plane crash after he attempted to assassinate Mao Tse Tung.

Claire and I have kept in touch all these years… and she’s even been to Hicksville to stay with my parents and me in the late 70s. Since then, she’s dumped the boyfriend she was with, and married a Scott named Alistair. I would just miss his 80th birthday party… scheduled a couple weeks before my arrival.

During this time in New York, Kenya is constantly on my mind. Dialogs run through my head as I tell people I’ll be going from London to Kenya.

Of course the answer will be, "Kenya?"

Then I'll say "If possible."

That should get a laugh... or even better, a wrinkled forehead and, when explained, a palm slap against that forehead.

Then come the WhatsApp messages.

Mykel,” says Albert. “I don’t think you should come to stay with me. We’ve had cattle rustlers here. People were shot. It’s very dangerous. I can come to see you in Nairobi, but it’s too dangerous for you to stay here.”

Mykel,” says Willy, “I don’t think you’ll be able to stay with me. I live in a tiny apartment with my girlfriend. I’ll be able to find a cheap hotel for you in Nairobi. Around $20 a night. I hope that’s okay.”

Claire and Alistair are still ready for me. They’ll put me up in the former bedroom of their son, who now has his own place. At least something works out. Right?

This is the time… just after Trump’s election… when planes started falling out of the sky. Four crashes in a month. Do I really want to fly to Europe now? At least Gillian at Trinity found me a non-US-based airline to get me to England. British Air will take care of me. Right?

And it works. The flight is on time, and I can tap my credit card to get me on the subway… er… underground that’ll take me close enough to walk.

Before long I’m in familiar territory. Sitting having some beer and a shot of the bourbon I brought from duty free.



 “So,” says Alistair, “what’s the plan?”

"From here I'm going to Kenya," I tell him, waiting to pull the punchline.

"I'm going to the Caribbean," he answers. "Claire's coming with me."

"Jamaica?" I ask.

"No," he answers. "She wanted to go."




[The story of this adventure will continue next month. I might move to substack as my friends all seem to be shifting there. Check out Jim Testa (JimtestaNJ.substack.com) for example.]


See you in hell,

MB



ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

They need it to dept: One of friends in Kenya… the headmaster of a school in Soweto, which he describes as a “slum,” needs funds to buy laptops for the school. I wrote about him above. As you know, if you’re reading this, computer literacy is as important as (more important than?) language literacy in 2025. I know the kids at this school. They are eager learners and great people. I hope you can help. I set up a GoFundMe for the school to buy laptops for student use. Please give whatever you can.

Pimping The Agent Dept: Travel agents are disappearing at rocket speed. The Internet has eaten everything. If you want to deal with a human you’ve got to do a lot of work to track one down. I can and do recommend Gillian at Trinity Travel. You can find her at: https://gillianboateng.inteletravel.com/booktravel.cfm

No details yet dept: You’ve probably read about my arrest for “public indecency.” I’m not going to write about it in detail… but what you’ve read in the papers is probably true. Just like everything else I write in April.

See you in hell redux,
MB


TIME TO READ THIS AGAIN!!


I did a nice interview with The Aither zine. Interesting questions, complete, and questions I’ve never been asked before. You can read it here. It’s a good one.


I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.


Here's a start:


Jim Testa is exploring the riches of substack and has posted is blog at: JimtestaNJ.substack.com Jim is a quiet but super important person in the history of punkrock. He does like the Mets more than the Yankees, but we all have our faults. (And he took me to a Mets game!)


Here’s Ricardo Wang with a “micro-label” in Seattle “specializing in 8-track tapes and CDs. WOW! Check out one of their label staples: The Dead Air Fresheners.


Also on bandcamp: My very long time faves in NYC, the BLACKOUT SHOPPERS. Featuring pals Seth and failed vice-president of the US candidate, Charles Bukkake


And
a terrific performance piece from Sid Yiddish and his Candy Store Henchmen, with some special guest stars you might recognize. All for WZRD radio.


And this sounds right up Sid’s alley. The Bilderberg Jazz Arkestra on Bandcamp! They wrote to me.


Eric Grayson has an online music review zine, Sobriquet. Full pictures of the sleeves too! Something missing from too many zines. Sometimes you CAN judge a… er… book… by its cover.


Steen Thomsen is a Dane I’ve known ever since Lincoln was shot. I put his band THE ZERO POINT on the great WORLD CLASS PUNK Cassette for ROIR. It must be worth a mint now. I don’t have any left, I’m afraid. You can (and should) connect to the Zero Point on facebook. Tell ‘em Mykel’s blog sent you.


Sorry Dorothy, we are STILL in Kansas. And it’s as weird as OZ. Check out Bob Cutler’s DISTOPEKA.


And for a quiet smile and a much needed break for you and the dog, try G.C. Adams’ YouTube entry.


You already know Murder & Mayhem zine… those guys who did the Mykel Board centerfold. (No genitals shown… and probably for the better.) Their online version is here.

The Clean Boys from Denmark are also longtime friends of mine. In Denmark we recorded as The Bend-over Boys. Only one 10-inch available… but at least now I can say I have a 10-incher!


Margaret O’Brien asked me to include the site: anti-war.com They seem to be folks after my own heart.


Jennifer Blowdryer has just come out with a great book called Music A-Z. Anybody who’s ever played in a band will be able to relate to the drug-addled club rip-off people here. You can order it here… directly from the publisher.


Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.


Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com

Sunday, January 29, 2023

My Last Day or You're Still Wrong... Mykel's February 2023 Blog

 

My Last Day or Mykel's February  2023 Blog

  

My Last Day
or You're STILL Wrong,
Mykel's February 2023 Blog

by Mykel Board


That's what moving about, traveling, is; it's this inexorable glimpse of existence as it really is during those few lucid hours, so expectional in the span of human time, when you are leaving the customs of the last country behind you and the other new ones have not yet got their hold on you.

--Louis Ferdinand-Celine


[NOTE: This blog is late because I’ve just returned from 6 weeks in Europe. (Fuck you UK, I’m including you in EUROPE! Wanna make somthin’ of it?) A lot has happened on the trip, but right now I want to focus on my last day.]

Ding ding deedle ding ding ding ding. Ding ding deedle ding ding ding ding. Ding ding deedle ding ding ding ding.

That fuckin’ wake-up tune on the cellphone. I don’t need it. I’m already awake. I can never sleep the night before a big trip. I try. Younglezbos.com and a shot of bourbon (Scotch in London)… does the trick most nights… except the night before the return trip to New York.

It’s freezing. The Brits believe in equality… not human equality, of course. They have a royal family, for fuck’s sake. But temperature equality. If God says it’s hot outside, then it has to be hot inside. If God says it’s cold outside, then it has to be cold inside. It’s below freezing outside… inside, my testicles have pulled themselves up into my body… to their ancestral home… anything to get warm.

I feel the cold in my chest… my back… my muscles tense… fighting it. I pull my pants up from the floor, underneath the down duvet… and slip… one leg at a time... into them. I sleep in a t-shirt, boxers, socks… with the heater on full blast... as close to the bed as it can be. Now I slip on my new down vest... under the covers... over my t-shirt. Then to the bathroom… even colder than the bedroom… pissing snowflakes into the ecotoilet.

Downstairs for a cup of coffee… careful not to overfill the kettle… a full kettle takes a full minute more to boil… electricity is expensive, don’t you know? Especially here.

My hosts are more awake than I am. Already sitting around the kitchen table… having tea not coffee. This is England, for God’s sake.

Looking out the back window, I see frost and the remains of yesterday’s snowfall. It would be beautiful, if it weren’t so damn cold. It’s 9 AM.

Anant is due to pick me up at noon. He wants to take me out for Peking Duck… my favorite food. There’s a place on the way to the airport… sort of. It’ll be our last meal together for some time.

I’ve got more stories about Anant. You might hear them later. He’s a pal I met in New York... at least 10 years ago. I’ve visited him in New York… in Bermuda…in India... now in England. About 30 years younger than me, I feel like his errant uncle.

Anant has a car. And, unlike my British hosts Claire and Alastair... who are my age and smiling through their own ailments to take care of me, Anant is as sound as a sitar. He runs marathons.

Here are your housekeys,” I tell my hosts, handing them the keys. They trusted me this entire month... with their housekeys. There is even one like in those old movies where you look through the keyhole. The set allows me to come and go as I please. Would YOU trust me with YOUR housekeys? Their house is my house.

They want to cook me breakfast. Make me toast… welsh rarebit, cake from Claire’s birthday party yesterday. I decline, settling for another cup of coffee. I need to stay hungry for my duck lunch.

Right now, it’s back upstairs… pack my computer, my medicine bag, my dirty jeans now changed for a slightly cleaner pair… one not walked through the muddy banks of the Rhine.

The contents of my Ben Ten backpack (bought in India) and computer bag have expanded to an extra bag… filled with goodies for the folks back home. It takes me two trips to bring everything downstairs... close to the front door. I also have my heavy winter coat… an anathema here, as it is in tatters, and has a tendency to crush houseplants and wreck portable heaters.



By now it’s 11:45. Anant is one of the most punctual people I know. He should be here any minute now.

I open the front door… step out to look for him. He’s there, waiting in his car.

Close the door, Mykel!” comes a shout from the kitchen.

I can’t,” I shout back. “I don’t have the keys.”

“Close the door, Mykel,” comes a second shout from the kitchen… this one punctuated by a rasping cough.

I can’t,” I cry again, feeling the pain I’m causing my host and hostess. But what can I do? I have to greet Anant, then take my bags out to the car and get in. How can I carry my bags through a closed door? And I have no key if I close it behind me.

By this time, my frozen hosts are pissed off enough to stomp into the hallway preparing to slam the door shut. Then, Anant appears.

Oh,” says Claire, “he’s here. We thought you were just keeping the door open to look for him. Hello Anant, it’s great to see you again. Come on in and sit down.”

(Note: Anant is the perfect guest and perfect host… we’ll talk about that in a future blog. Everybody likes him, and he’s saved my ass more than once when I’ve faced a… er… sticky wicket situation.)

I’d love to,” he says, “but I’ve got to get Mykel to his Peking Duck… and then the airport.”

He picks up Ben Ten and the computer bag. I carry the third bag… and before you know it we’re in the car.

Google tells us how to get to the duck place. Take the second right at the roundabout. Anant has it set for an American accent, but it still talks funny. What American would ever say “roundabout,” or ever “fuckin’ roundabout?”

We end up in North China… that’s the restaurant name. And, from my Japanese, I recognize the Chinese character for North.

I know the second character means North,” I tell the waiter. “What does the other character mean?”

He looks at me… eyebrows narrowed… like I’m putting him on. Then, he smiles and tries to act nonchalant, as if you met a really rich, really stupid, person and had to indulge him.

China,” he answers with a straight face.

Lunch is great. Peking Duck, and… an absence of vegetarian options…right up my meat-eating alley. I noticed on this trip that, even in Germany, there were more “vegetarian options” than there used to be. It’s such a fashion… like torn jeans and Doc Martins… except with more religious-type overtones.

After Peking Duck, we’re off again. Ms Google, with her American accent is guiding us past the lorries... through the roundabouts... onto the motorway.

As we drive, Anant explains my non-vegetarian options. “At the airport, I can pay for short-term parking,” he tells me, “and stay with you until you leave… or I can drop you off at the terminal.”

How far will I have to walk with my bags?” I ask.

We’ll be at terminal 4,” he says. “That’s the Virgin Atlantic terminal. If I drop you off, it’ll be right there. Even if you have to change gates or terminals you can easily change… except to Terminal 5. That’s the new one, British Airways exclusive... far away from everything and a pain in the ass to get to… but you’re not taking British Airways.”

Okay,” I tell him, “just drop me off. It’ll save you some money and I’ll have less distance to go with my bags.”

Terminal 4 drop off.” Anant tells Ms Google, “Virgin Atlantic.” She continues her directions.

I didn’t plan on taking Virgin Airlines. I HATE Virgin Airlines. I took them around 1990. The service was so bad… (I had to walk to the stewardess’s room to ask them for my dinner) and the flight was so late, I vowed never to take them again. So I booked my return trip from London with Delta… you guessed it. I got a ticket on a “partner airline”: VIRGIN fuckin’ AIRLINES.

So here we are, pulling into the parking lot at Terminal 4. There is a sign:

£5 service charge for drop offs…automatically billed to your license plate

Then there’s, VIRGIN ATLANTIC in huge letters on the side of the building. Anant helps me with my bags and we hug goodbye.

Inside the terminal is a line… a huge line… it snakes around the entire building 8 rows deep when you finally get to the ribbons and stanchions. Before that, the line passes some self-service machines, then to the lounge stairway on the other side of the terminal, then to the elevators where people exiting, just stand at the end of the line, making it longer...… There are hundreds of people… maybe a thousand.

I hate self-anything, except pleasure. I never use self-checkout at CVS. I don’t punch in my order at McDonalds. I use New Jersey gas stations that don’t have self-service. But I’m 3 hours early, and this line must be at least two and a half hours long. I head for the self-service check-in machines.

I slide my passport into the machine. It correctly identifies me and bids me hello. It asks for my flight number… I enter it. It asks if I’m checking any bags. I tell it NO. It asks me to wait. I wait.

SEE AGENT

Says the screen. I slam by fist against the machine, just missing that screen.

I PUT MY PASSPORT ON YOUR FUCKIN’ SCREEN SO I WOULDN’T HAVE TO WAIT 2 HOURS TO SEE AN AGENT,” I yell at it.

A big man in a uniform begins walking toward me. I pick up my bags and walk to another uniformed attendant, standing and directing traffic.

That machine told me to see an agent,” I tell her. “How do I do that.”

You just get at the end of this queue,” she says, pointing toward the elevators.

By now the line passes the elevators and continues toward who-knows- where. Two hours pass before I reach the beginning of the roped, official line-standing line.

Another hour passes, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll miss my plane. There are still 4 long rows of people ahead of me in the check-in line.

Then there is a man… dark suit, white shirt and tie. He unhooks one of the ropes from a stanchion… near the start of the line. He slides forward… stepping sideways. 

Him: Anyone for the 6:15 flight to New York?
Me: Me
Him: Do you have a seat reservation?
Me: No.
Him: Come this way.

He pushes his way through the winding lines. Open the connecting ribbons.

Please go to window 2 or 3,” he says.

It’s another line, shorter, but not moving. A young official-looking man behind the window talks to an older touristy-looking man with perfectly groomed gray hair.

I can’t hear what they’re saying, but the gray-haired man looks upset. From another window, a woman in a uniform comes to our little line and talks to the people in front. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but she runs off and returns several minutes later.

There is a pile of paper in front of the next window. I grab a sheet:


Suddenly, I find myself at the head of the line… talking to the guy behind the window.

Him: I see you’ve read the letter.
Me: Yes, but I don’t understand it.
Him: You cannot take the flight tonight. The plane is full.
Me: (I swallow)
Him: You have a choice. I can put you on a British Airways flight to Newark tonight. Or you can take a Virgin Atlantic flight tomorrow to your original destination.
Me: I’ve got to get out of here. This is crazy. I’ll go to Newark… anything.
Him: Just a moment sir, I need to see your passport.
Me: (I hand it to him)
Him: (types into the computer. There is a whirring sound. He hands me a piece of thick paper) Here is your ticket sir. You have to go to Terminal Five. You have a new flight on British Airways.
Me: Terminal Five??? How do I get there?
Him: Just go to the elevator over there. (He points to where the line used to start.) Instructions are on the wall.
Me: Will I have to wait on a huge line again at the other terminal?
Him: I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know the situation at other airlines.

The signs by the elevators explain that I need to take an airport train to terminal five. I can find the train by following other signs that say TO TERMINAL FIVE. My shoulders ache from carrying the bags and the backpack. Every step is painful… and there are a fuck of a lot of steps… Tunnel after tunnel... fork after fork... up stairs and downstairs. To the train… change trains… I somehow make it toTerminal 5.

The gate for my flight is not posted yet. I get a beer at the terminal bar… paying a ridiculous price… and not caring.

Then, a quick trip to duty free. A bottle of booze for me, and one for my landlord. (I give him one every year… for Chinese New Year.)

I check the schedule board. There it is, gate C62. I go through ticket check-in, take-off-your-belt security and come out the other end.

How do I get to gate C62?” I ask a beautiful black woman, dressed like a stewardess.

She points to a tunnel in the opposite wall. Just follow the tunnels to the train to the C-section.

I do not make a C-section joke.

Through tunnels... up stairs... down escalators… through more tunnels… onto a train… two stops… through another tunnel… into the evil TERMINAL 5.

Not too long after, I’m on the plane. Way in the back, within smelling distance of the restrooms. At least I’m sitting down. In a plush seat… next to the window. A frail older woman sits in the middle seat next to me. Next to her, in the aisle seat, sits a monster: 9-feet tall... fat as a sumo-wrestler.

I know I’ll have to crawl over both these people to take a piss. I can already feel my bladder filling. Okay, I’ll read… keep my knees tight together... my book club book: The Unseen Body. 


It’s about medical stuff most people never talk about: shit, piss, snot, blood. Written by a doctor, It’s a revelation… I’m learning how much doctors are disgusted by the same things normal people are. Did you know your doctor does not like sticking his finger up your ass? Wow!

I try to turn on the overhead light. I find a lightbulb icon in the TV screen in front of me. I press it. The light over the giant’s seat turns on. He reaches up to try to operate it manually. I turn it off from my video screen. He settles down, probably thinking he fixed it himself.

I try reaching up to turn the light on manually. There is no manually. I reach across the old woman and tap the giant on the shoulder.

Would you mind trying to turn on your light?” I ask him. “I think it’ll turn on my light. Just press the bulb icon on your screen.” I point with my chin.

He frowns, looks at the screen, presses the icon. Sure enough, the light comes on. I start the MUCUS chapter.

After an hour, dinner comes. I’d promised myself not to eat it because something has been making me sick every night around dinner time. I eat. I cough. I cough more… I puke up dinner… rinse repeat. I can’t figure if it’s the time of day, the eating itself or the booze that invariably comes with it.

Talk about disgusting! When I have these coughing fits, I run for the bathroom. Usually, I make it to the toilet in a blast of gags, lung loogies and more… the remains of a dinner eaten, along with beer, whiskey,.. splash out of me into the toilet… in great gobs… then again and again... every night… a little bit in the morning too. But in the evening and later, it strikes with such vengeance I expect it will kill me.

My nearly 5 weeks in Europe, my 34 days... my 816 hours...there has been scarcely an hour where by body hasn’t been bursting with the urge to fart, shit, sneeze or cough… especially cough. Covid test negative… had my flu shot… I’ve always had a weak lungs… especially the left one… but why now? The cold? The damp? The smokers? I don’t know but… excuse me while I fart….

So I’m skipping dinner tonight. Airline food? Chicken or a vegetarian salad? I like chicken, but airplane chicken? Besides, I feel sorry for the old lady next to me. I’d hate to puke in her lap.

What would you like for dinner, sir? We have a choice of chicken or moussaka.” The steward is big… fat with a red beard.

Moussaka? Greek lamb and cheese? Oh yeah! Tasty as Peking Duck! I haven’t had moussaka in years. Oh boy!

I’ll have the moussaka.” I tell him.

He hands me the tray:



I eat it anyway,,, It’s awful… served with an ice-cold bun and a cup of something that looks like the toilet after I get through a coughing fit. 

The plane lands in Newark with a thud. Being in the back,  I have to wait for the aisle ahead of me to clear. It’s about 11:30 by the time I enter the airport from the plane. I expect I will be strip-searched by an unattractive customs agent... then questioned about my duty-free booze… two liters, not the officially allowed two quarts. 

Pack on my back, computer bag, filled with books as well as the computer, headphones and other shit. Plus a bag filled with omiyage… mostly Belgian chocolate versions of the manneken pis.



I’ll be busted for kiddie porn! I know it!

None of that happens. The trip through immigration and customs is as easy as taking a beer shit. From there, it’s a free train from the airport to “the train station,” as if there were only one. From the train station $8 (old people’s discount) to Penn Station in New York. Then, a subway to Bleecker Street. Then HOME.

It’s 1:30 AM. I sit on my bed… coughing up a little vegetarian moussaka… and without even a first New York self-pleasure… I fall asleep.

See you in hell.

Mykel Board


THE NATION AGAIN

I’m a long-time subscriber to the The Nation. It’s the only lefty publication that I find myself not only agreeing with, but also getting inspiration from. There are two articles in the current issue I’d like to recommend herel Strangely, when I post this stuff on facebook, no one looks at it. My “friends” would just rather call me a “Trumpist” or a “Republican” for all the times I don’t follow the party line.

One
article is a great one. It’s about How the courts keep the wrongfully convicted from proving their innocence. For many people, the idea of innocent until proven guilty, has been complete lost. You can find the article here.

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

A big thanks and lots of love to my friends who helped me out in Europe: Claire and Alastair Jackson Bruce and Anant of this story in London, Randy with his piss-tour in Brussels, Rudolf and pal Nelma in Hamont (where?), Walter and Maria in Aachen, Couch-surfing pals Yechen and beau in London and Lucee and Nils in Germany, Claudio, Doris, and Birgit, also in Germany. Then there was the spectacular Carmella M and (separately, but also spectacular) Andy Martin of Unit and The Apostles, and Jamie also in London. Yeah that’s a fuck of a lot of people in a month. But that was the purpose of this trip. PEOPLE more than places.

See you in hell, redux,

MB

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

Video of the week: My long-time friend Sid Yiddish appears on a YouTube DatingGame-like video. Guess who wins the bachelorette!

Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.

Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low

And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong.

Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.

Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both.

My long time pal, Jim Hayes rightfully complained about my leaving out his blog. He’s a great writer, so it was a tragic omission. Here it is.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.


Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com


Can you say TUSKER DU? or Mykels May 2025 Blog/Column

   You’re STILL Wrong Mykel's May 2025 Blog/Column A TUSKER GREETING I’m leaving London because the weather is too good. I hate London ...