Mykel's April 2024 Blog/Column: The Obvious Answer

 

Mykel's APRIL 2024 Blog/Column

  

You’re STILL Wrong

Mykel's

April 2024 Blog/Column

The Obvious Answer

by Mykel Board

Heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalized expression of contempt for women's bodies.
                                    – Andrea Dworkin

Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could.
                                                                                 - Abigail Adams

Some women do not masturbate for pleasure; they masturbate to make a political statement: to remind us that women do not really need men             
                                                                    --Mokokoma Mokhonoana

April again, spring, renewal, most every culture and religion has a holiday… Christians-Easter, Jews-Passover, Muslims-Nowruz. Fools ignore this and think it’s like any other time of the year. They’re wrong.

People who know me, know that I’m an organizer. Thursdays, I have Drink Club, a small eat, drink, socializing group. Once a month I organize Eat Club, where we go to a different restaurant every month. I also have a ROUNDTABLE (sorry no URL) where we gather at the Algonquin hotel, like Dorothy Parker and friends in the 1920s. Every month a different topic with a somewhat varying group in the discussion… yes with food and drink. Finally, also every month, I have a haiku group… also meeting at the Algonquin… where we talk about our own poetic output.

Yet until now, I’ve never organized a political group. My politics usually don’t match those of anyone else… or at least too few to make a group out of it… until now that is. To understand what I’m doing I’d like you to imagine one of those awful prescription drug commercials on TV. Cut to the smiling grandpas… the kids playing ball in the park… the family barbecue. In the background read too fast and too faintly is the warning message.

_________ will likely cause frequent nausea. Other side effects include weight gain, lethargy, increased urination, food cravings, mood swings, backaches and joint pain, swelling of the ankles, fingers, and face, heartburn and indigestion, hemorrhoids, and insomnia. Some instances are fatal.

If this were a drug, I bet you’d be pretty hesitant to try it… maybe asking your doctor for an alternative. And what if this drug were forced on you? Or less seriously, you were connived into taking it because everyone else is.

Well, this isn’t a drug… but the side effects are real, and there are more than in the warning above. I’m writing about the side effects of PREGNANCY… especially pregnancy as the result of heterosexual sex.

Andrea Dworkin recognized it, but, for the most part, she was brushed off as a kook. I was one of those brushers. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how right she was. Or at least close. Rather than contempt for, I’d say power over. There’s no doubt that, on the whole, men have more physical power than women. The reason there are women’s sports and men’s sports is that combining the two would result in women losing most of the time.

Feminists say that rape is not about sex, but about power. I’m not sure about is the right word, but certainly involves. 92% of all rapes involve heterosexual sex. One of the reasons rape is so easy for men, is that, they’ve got more power. It may be taboo to say that in this all-things-are-equal era, but down deep you know it’s true.

And rape is only the most extreme. What of the everyday stress and insults that go unreported, but irritating?

Flash to Monday morning at Scamson bank. Jack, the branch manager, is already behind the inquiry desk, preparing for the first customer to ask him how to move money from his friend’s saving account to his own checking account. Jack likes to get in a few minutes early, and be there for the entrance of Madeline… his (not-so) secret crush. She’s a few minutes late as females are wont to be. She walks in, past the front desk as she does every morning.

When she walks past him, Jack speaks in a loud voice, accompanied by a smile. “Hey Madeline,” he says, “has anyone ever told you you have nice ass...sets?”

Madeline thinks sneer, but Jack is the boss. A sneer is a good way to get fired, so she pretends not to hear him. “And he continues. “Did I tell you how much I like your compound interest? I mean I go for that double-digit inflation there.”

Madeline continues the walk to her cubicle, wondering whether to sue the bank for harassment.

Stop right there! Don’t you see? The reason guys make sexual comments… talk about women’s bodies… is because the want to possess it! They want to make that asset… that inflated double digit... their own. The talk feeds the fantasy. Guys make the jokes, send out the sex-filled talk because they want to get laid. If getting laid… at least getting laid by women… stops, then the fantasies also stop… or at least drop dramatically. How many guys have fantasies about bank robbery? It’s illegal! They don’t think about it… and even if they do, they don’t talk about it in public.

I’ve had this discussion with dozens of friends… of any gender you can name. Almost all have come to agree. Then it occurred to me... like a lightning strike in a summer storm. There is a way to stop the he-said/she-said defense of what might be rape. There is a way to stop the disease of pregnancy… or at least reduce it to near zero. Just think… none of those nasty side effects. The population explosion would implode. Rape would nearly disappear. The fundamental inequality of power would be reduced to almost nothing. How could we do that? Easy answer: Make heterosexual sex illegal!

If I were 50 years younger and a bit more athletic I’d jump and click my heels at the revelation. Yes! Yes! Yes! It’s so obvious. The primary manifestation of the power imbalance… gone with the stroke of a president’s (or a governor’s) pen signing the new law.

You may have read about the organization I started there and then: Policy Initiative to Mitigate Power. It was easy to draw up papers and a statement of purpose… It’s all in the name. P.I.M.P. will change the world. Already almost a dozen Congressmen and women have climbed on board. And the best thing is that both the left and the right support us! The issue could be the great unifier. Conservatives who want sex education removed from schools fear that it will encourage heterosexual sex. After the P.I.M.P. law takes effect, the only class in sex ed would be not to do it. Trump-hating liberals constantly harp on Trump’s alleged involvement with heterosexual sex. After the P.I.M.P. law, all that becomes a clear violation.

Let me tell you a little bit about my organizing adventures. You might be surprised at the warm reception I received. First I made handouts… in the shape of those square religious tracts. On the front was printed: No matter who is your God… P.I.M.P. is the answer. I just stood at the corner of Seventh Avenue and Broadway, and handed them out to anyone who would take one. You can imagine that in the middle of Times Square that would be a lot of people. It was.

Only about 1 in 5 took one, but that was enough. My first taste of ecstatic joy was when a young woman (blond, thin, with a couple outstanding attributes), took one, walked off, and then came running back to me.

“This is wonderful!” she said. “Do you know how much time I waste tightening my belly, dyeing my hair, spending hundreds of dollars on makeup to please… men!” She said the word with a wrinkled nose and an expulsion... like you might spit out a cockroach in your burger.

Since the start of P.I.M.P. there have been dozens… maybe scores of people… men and women... who tell me how great they think a het-sex ban would be. Maybe 70% of PIMP is women, but in that last 30% are a bunch of gay men with the idea something like that means more for us.

One surprising group was the number of conservative women. Members of Libs of Tiktok or Moms for Liberty. Women who put kinship first and preach devotion to home, husband and family.

One member of that crew was front and center in that big demonstration we had in Texas. Maybe you read about it. She was early middle age, with jet-black hair and bright red fingernails.

“I’m happy to see you here,” I told her, “and you surprise me. I thought maybe the conservatives wouldn’t like us because so many conservatives focus on the family. Family usually means het-sex.”

“But don’t you see,” she says, “sex has been the disgusting thing we have to do in order to make “a family.” I nod, stroking my chin as if I had a goatee.

“Artificial insemination is even better than artificial intelligence,” she continues. “We don’t need to do IT.” She pronounces “it” as if it involved fellatio with a reptile. “It used to be our wifely duty... expected as part of family values. P.I.M.P. and science free us from that. Now, they have no excuse to make us perform that vile and loathsome act. We see a doctor… get an injection… down there. And pow! We got it. Yeah, we still have to suffer the side effects of pregnancy, but thanks to you, we’re free of the old etiology.”

‘Wait! Wait!” I say. “What does etiology mean?”

“Mykel, Mykel, Mykel,” she says, shaking her head. “Get with the program… and you wrote the program.”

I smile.

“It means, the cause of the disease,” she tells me. “Sure we still have suffer the symptoms, but we’re free of the old cause. You’ve saved us the pain… the embarrassment… the penetration by beast erect, rather than penetration by doctor’s syringe.”

So where do we go from here? Politics… that’s where. This month the P.I.M.P. party has officially registered with the US government. We’ll have candidates on the ballot in 5 states in November: New York, Texas, Florida, California, and Utah. Feminists and family-ists support us in the Blue and Red states. Besides those, we’ll have ballot initiatives in another half dozen states, pushing for the prohibition of heterosexual sex. We are the only party that can unify America. We are the only ones that will get citizens to join together without actually joining together.

Imagine a nation… a world… without hetero-sex. If we really believe it, we can really do it. And as the world calms down… as sexual tension relaxes and confines itself to one gender. As most of the problems in the world begin to disappear, we will only have ourselves to thank.

See you in heaven,
Mykel Board

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

→ Look to Other Countries Dept: Stopsex.com reports that there are now seven countries that have banned heterosexual sex: Uzbekistan, Burkina Faso, Guinea, Benin, Burundi, Tajikistan and Togo, In every one of those countries, instances of rape… and family strife... have decreased.

→ You, you dirty rat dept: The Associated Press says rats have gotten into confiscated weed at New Orleans' aging police headquarters, munching the evidence as the building is taken over by mold and cockroaches. The city's police chief complains. "The rats eating our marijuana, they're all high."

→ I Told You So dept: In case you didn’t believe me. The NY Times reports that Citibank is being sued for “a culture of sexual harrassment.” Here are the exact words: Ardith Lindsey, a managing director at Citi, alleged that her 15-year career at the bank had increasingly become a “traumatizing” experience, especially after she ended a relationship with a former supervisor. The supervisor, Mani Singh, then sent her dozens of threatening text messages.

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I did a nice interview with The Aither zine. Interesting questions, complete, and questions I’ve never been asked before. You can read it here. It’s a good one.

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

I never expected to see myself as a centerfold. I know several of my enemies would like to see me fold… but not exactly like this:

That’s in the zine Trey Mayhem sent me recently. It’s called Murder and Mayhem and it’s also a record label Murder and Mayhem records. You can see the blog here. Or/and contact Trey at TreyofToday@yahoo.com

My long-time friend Sid Yiddish appears on a YouTube DatingGame-like video. Guess who wins the bachelorette!

Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.

Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low

And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong who has recently died in a motorcycle accident.

Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.

Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both. It’s hard (and costs money) to send him email. So. If you remember how to write a letter… send him one at: Kyle Nonneman, #16534211, Snake River Correctional Institution, 777 Stanton Blvd Ontario OR 97914-8335

My long time pal, Jim Hayes rightfully complained about my leaving out his blog. He’s a great writer, so it was a tragic omission. Here it is.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com

Throwing Away The Key or Mykel's January 2024 Blog/Column

  

You’re STILL Wrong

or

Mykel's January 2024 Blog/Column 

Throwing Away The Key    

by Mykel Board

Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?

– Victoria Wood

The liberal idea of tolerance is more and more a kind of intolerance. What it means is 'Leave me alone; don't harass me; I'm intolerant towards your over-proximity.
- Slavoj Žizek

Being desired is not the same as being harassed, and we do not have to punish or shun the person who sees what is special about us.

- Sarah Schulman

I’m not a pervert. I’m Italian.

--(former) Gov. Andrew Cuomo

Imagine a skeleton key… a metaphysical key… It opens locks others can never open. It opens doors… you can walk right in. Others wait for hours in the cold rain. It’s a key you always carry… You can’t leave it at home… You can’t forget it… No one can steal it… It’s yours and yours alone.

Would you complain? Would you say that the doors you open are dishonestly opened? Would you say that the doors… the treasure chests… the secret passageways... opened by the key... are unfair? Would you kvetch that the locks require a key in the first place? Would you grumble that others are allowed entrance by working for days… weeks… months to be let in, when all you have to do is have a little key insertion and BINGO, the lock opens?

Listen up ladies! You have the key. It rests securely between your legs. Free for your use… at least until menopause… often beyond. Yet you complain. A prominent producer wants to trade a little nookie for a starring role. What do you do? Throw the guy in jail. Put him and his walker behind bars for offering you a shortcut to fame. What did he do? Forcible oral sex????? The guy’s a cripple and he “forcibly performed oral sex”??? All you had to do was press your knees together and stand up. But why bother? Others have to work for their part… audition… do screen tests… wait weeks for a “maybe.” You have the key.

Work for the governor? Your chance to grow in politics… get ahead just by being nice. That squeeze… that hug.. you got… Oh my God, he pressed against my breasts… I’ve seen harder breast-pressing between two disgustingly hetero jocks greeting each other in a bar. You couldn’t put the guy in jail, but you got him to resign.

Then there's 

Stormy Daniels, who did better. Trump pays over $100,000 in a “non-disclosure” deal. What a bonanza… greedy Stormy discloses anyway. Then she accuses the president of “defaming” her and tries to get even more money! Can you get greedier? I’ll take your money then sue you while disclosing what you paid me for NON-disclosure. Ah the profit in #MeToo#... if you’re early. But let me tell you, girls, in your #MeToo#itude, you’ve ruined it for others.

From Theda Bara to Mae West, to Jane Mansfield to Bo Derek to Drew Barrymore. How many others fucked their way to the top? Marilyn Monroe screwed the President of the Untied States… and his brother! How many others followed the same path? All of them? Is that wrong? Evil? They’re sex symbols for fuck’s sake. Sex Sex Sex Fuck Fuck Fuck. Are you saying that someone who represents sex is wrong for fucking? We called them “sex symbols” for a reason. What’s wrong with you... forcing women to throw away that chance?

Maybe it’s too late. Maybe you’ve already ruined it for everyone... taken away the skeleton key.. the free pass used for decades by beautiful seductive women who want to play the part of beautiful seductive women. Want to make it in the movies in 2024? Go for an interview, fill out a few forms, just like ugly people have to do. No more shortcuts. Your fellow females have seen to that.

But wait! It gets worse. Believe the women! Is the new call… Right up there with It’s not WHEN it happened, but THAT it happened… a complete rejection of the concept of forgiveness I’m not a fan of the new mottos. I’m old fashioned. I like innocent until proven guilty, and this one by Confucius: Those who cannot forgive others break the bridge over which they themselves must pass. but that thinking is sooooo last century.

Yes, you’re greedy scum. That’s clear. This is America and that’s the way things work here. But don’t call yourselves feminists… at least not in the sense of people who support women. You’ve ruined the most important benefit you’ve got. You’ve made it HARDER for women to get ahead… to make it big. A few of you will strike it rich with #MeToo#… more will be back in the mailroom with no way out. That’s what you call feminism.

I know it’s hard to believe, but I’ve never been a woman. [Aside: One of the few things in my life that I’m ashamed of is that I’ve never even worn a dress. Even those awful frat jocks wear a dress on occasion. On Halloween… or football celebrations… they are at least free enough to express their inner transgenderism. Once or twice, maybe… but they do it. Me? Never… and I’m ashamed.] 

I can imagine the harassment... sitting by yourself at a bar (though there are always the free drinks from strangers), walking down a dark street by yourself, unable to relax at that deserted place in the park, an unwanted pregnancy. Those are things that I rarely –or never-- experience. Womanhood DOES have its disadvantages. I’ll surely admit that.

But I’ve also never experienced a job offer traded for a blow-job. I’ve never been able to a get a better tip by showing more leg. I’ve never been able to shake my tuchus and get an extra $50 bill stuffed in with the Christmas bonus.

Those benefits of being a woman are being destroyed… by YOU… in the name of feminism you’re bringing equality instead of by raising up… by pushing down. Instead of by enjoying those few things that are biological perks of twat-endowment, you’re wringing cash out of them and then destroying them for use by anone else in the future. But wait.. it could (and will) be worse.

Some cultures, like the Italian and Jewish cultures, touch each other all the time. We hug greetings and partings. We make conversational points with a slap on the shoulder or the pinch of the knee. We’ll have an arm around each other’s neck.. gender ignored… just to show friendship.  

You’re killing that now. Both Andrew Como AND Joe Biden have been accused of inappropriate touching. Woody Allen and Steve Tyler too. I’m no fan of Joe Biden, but come on… he hugs kids? How many Hugs Not Drugs bumper stickers does it take to explain that hugging kids is A GOOD THING. In 2024, kids live enough in screen-induced isolation, from phone to computer to TV, Now they have to live where adults are afraid to TOUCH them. That means involuntary lifelong isolation… except maybe for sex. And then, touching WILL ONLY mean sex… not friendliness, affection, or mishpocha. And it’ll be YOUR FAULT. Plus, given the speed of technological development, I would be surprised if sex itself weren’t outlawed. Why go through that gross humiliation when you can be artificially and sterilely inseminated by a machine?

FLASH BACK: Groupies are a tradition in music. Musicians got laid. Ian Dury’s Sex and Drugs and Rock’n’Roll was a report card of what everyone knew. Yet in this millennium, singers from R. Kelley to Michael Jackson to punk rockers I’ve never heard of are accused of sexual misconduct. Look! This is Rock’n’Roll… the only sexual misconduct is NO SEX!

Sorry, forgive the digression. It’s all related but not the point.

So what exactly IS the point, Mykel?

Shit, is that you Literary Device? You come to harass me… tell me its just about consent or maybe age and consent.

Do I need to give consent when Granma Board gives me a big hug hello? Or maybe only women need to give consent. Antioch College (now gone) reached the height to stupidity in it’s required consent forms of last century… with dozens of questions that must be asked and answered in the affirmative before moving from homeplate to first base.

1. Can I hold your hand?
2. Can I kiss you?
3. Can I unbutton your shirt?
4. Can I touch your breasts?

Each act checkmarked and okayed before the next. This was the 1990s, before hugs were bad and the press and all reasonable people laughed at the Antioch requirements. Are they coming back?

If I were of a conspiracy mind (I AM of a conspiracy mind), I’d say #MeToo#, the general re-demonization of sex, the concept of forcible touching, the abandoning of forgiveness under not when, but that, the monetization of “successful” sex-related accusation… and the Internet. All of this IS part of a conspiracy… a conspiracy of isolation. Divide and conquer… or at least control. Stay home by yourself. Don’t touch me! There’s nothing you can do with another human that you can’t do individually from behind some screen or other. Artificial Intelligence becomes the ONLY intelligence. Virtual reality becomes the ONLY reality. Quick, where’s the hemlock?

If I were just plain cynical (I AM just plain cynical), I’d say the complainers are just being selfish… wanting cash and fame… and they’ll sacrifice anyone else to get it. These days they have it easier than Marilyn Monroe did in the 1950s. They don’t need the extra inconvenience of undressing and dressing again. Plus, even ugly people can play. Maybe I was wrong in when I started this blog. Maybe the special key women have to blast their way to the top has not disappeared, it has only changed. Instead of a blowjob for a movie part, all that’s needed is some legal papers… and a muff. If the twat-key user plays her cards right, she won’t need the National Enquirer. Publicity? Read the newspapers in 2024. The New York Times has BECOME the National Enquirer. Entire political parties give news coverage and publicity to talentless women that other talentless women could have only dreamed of in the olden days.

Selfish? Well, if Mae West spreads her legs to become a little chickadee, that won’t hurt Bo Derek’s chances to use her money-maker to become a 10. But if some shlubess is rubbed by Donny Trump in a dressing room… and she uses the media and the courts to earn her fat dollared hold accountable (the drag name for REVENGE), then the chance for the next gal will be lost because of the touch-fear induced consequences. The #MeToo#-ers, the Stormy Daniels, the Rose McGowans, plenty more... those in first get the bucks. The harassment game is just like the stock market. You gotta jump in early. Right now, the average settlement for a work-related harassment is $53,000. Celebrity cases bring ten times that. But the accusers know… and don’t care… that they’re killing the goose that laid the golden egg. They get their money, and people… especially Americans… will stop touching one another ever again. It may be illegal for me to wish a special suffering on those accusers. That’s the ONLY reason I won’t do it.

Prairie Home Companion author and personality Garrison Keiler, puts his arm on a woman’s back to console her after hearing sad news. She accuses him of SEXUAL HARASSMENT. He’s fired from his job… where he’d worked for over 40 years. The nicest, kindest gesture. The touching of compassion gets thrown into court and the kindness is apologized for and punished. It’s just crazy.

See you in hell,

MB

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

→ Note 1: Some of the ideas and their expression were inspired by a great book called The Invisible Generation by Jason Rodgers. You can find it on the Autonomedia webpage.

→ Note 2: To be fair, there is some controversy as to what went on with Garrison Keiler. You can Google it (DuckDuck Go) if you like. But you really don’t have to. I’m sure your mind, such as it is, is already made up.

→ Godwin’s Revenge Dept: It thrills me that the Israeli army has discovered the final solution to the hostage problem: KILL THEM ALL. It seems to me that was tried before and didn’t work. But those Hamas folks think they can intimidate with a couple hundred kidnapped women, children and (mostly) men? Hah, Mr Gaza! Just try intimidating with a bunch of corpses! We’ll fix that for you! Send in the corpse makers. As of this writing, there’s about 100 hostages left. Already starting on solving the problem, the Israeli army just shot three of them who were waving a white flag. Some evidence points to 8 more Israeli bullet-riddled hostage corpses. 97 more to go, I guess. Not to mention the 20,000+ goyish bodies scattered to the Gaza winds by Israeli forces…. Hey! I told you not to mention that!

→ I’m moving there dept: MSN reports that the chief of staff at Paraguay's Agriculture Ministry, Arnaldo Chamorro, was replaced after admitting he'd been conned into talks and signing a memorandum of understanding with representatives of a non-existent country. Chamorro told reporters that purported officials from the "United States of Kailasa" had told him the country was a South American island. I wonder if he’ll sue for harassment.

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I did a nice interview with The Aither zine. Interesting questions, complete, and questions I’ve never been asked before. You can read it here. It’s a good one.

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

Video of the week: My long-time friend Sid Yiddish appears on a YouTube DatingGame-like video. Guess who wins the bachlorette!

Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.

Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low

And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong.

Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.

Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both. It’s hard (and costs money) to send him email. So. If you remember how to write a letter… send him one at: Kyle Nonneman, #16534211, Snake River Correctional Institution, 777 Stanton Blvd Ontario OR 97914-8335

My long time pal, Jim Hayes rightfully complained about my leaving out his blog. He’s a great writer, so it was a tragic omission. Here it is.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com

The Importance of Being Ernestine or You're STILL Wrong, Mykel's February 2022 Blog

 

The Importance of Being Ernestine
or You're STILL Wrong,
Mykel's February 2022 Blog

 

The Importance of Being Ernestine

or You're STILL Wrong,

Mykel's February 2022 Blog

by Mykel Board

Emotionalism, irrationality, softness and weakness are more symptoms of a man's own feminine side than they are characteristics of women.  – Robert A. Johnson

A man does not learn very well. Women, yes, because they are used to bending with whatever wind comes along. A woman, no matter the age, is always learning, always becoming. But a man stops learning at fourteen or so. He shuts it all down. A log is capable of learning more than a man. – Edward P Jones

Old women who go around thinking sensible thoughts should be apprehended with bear traps. – Daniel Kharms

Those who know me know I have a special effect on women. After some time with me, women cut me off like a moyl with a foreskin… no contact with me again… ever… telling my friends to hate me… blocking me on facebook… sending my email directly to the spambox… walking out of any room I walk in to. 

Maybe it’d be wrong to say there’s a legion of twatted Mykel-haters, but it would be fair to say there are enough female Mykel-100%-avoiders to arm the Ukrainians for the 21st century. 

But wait! There’s more! Women who don’t ditch me like facebook ditches the politically incorrect… become lesbians. It’s my Midas touch. I change them. 

My sister, Gayl, says it comes from “the type of girl you like.” She may have a point. I didn’t name the second ARTLESS album Boy With A Cunt because I like handkerchief-dropping, gown-wearing, lip-pouters.

“If you like butch tough-girls who can beat you up,” Gayl tells me, “you’re gonna find a few lesbos in the woodpile.”

SWITCH GEARS: Blessed are you, Lord, our God, ruler of the universe who has not made me a woman. This is a rather notorious prayer that traditional Jewish men say every morning, striking their chests. It’s been the cause of much discussion, and much anti-Jewitude. I ask my rabbi about it. 

“That prayer is an acknowledgment of the pain of childbirth,” says the rabbi. “In order to bring us into the world, women have to suffer in a way men cannot imagine. It is through their pain that women keep humanity in the world. We need to give thanks to G-d for both that we, as men, don’t have to suffer that pain. And that there are women who DO suffer that pain so we can live.”

Until then, it seemed to me that giving birth was nothing more than taking a huge constipated shit through your muff. Push… push… push… spew it out. It hurts a bit… then… maybe a pussy fart… Then... aaaaah, it feels so good. That’s it. Until that rabbinical moment, I never thought of it as anything more. 

BANG! What a change! One of of the many strikes of satori that makes me glad for the rabbis in this world. All that suffering that mom went through just to make the world a better place for having my sister and me as part of it. Who wudda guessed?

FLASH TO NOW: I sit naked on the wood floor in my apartment. To my right lies a half roll of duct-tape and a knife. My crossed legs not as lotused as they used to be. I steady my breath… feel the air come into my lungs through my nose... leave through my mouth. 

I focus my mind between my legs… yes, my mind is often focused there, but now I have a goal. I want to feel the world like a woman feels it. 

After a couple minutes of breathing, I pull my belly inwards… toward my spine…. tightening the muscles between anus and gonads… trying to pull the twin cullions… up… back into my body… back to their ancestral home… pre-pubescent. 

I can’t do it. They just lay there like a couple of oversized boyscout beans in a hairy bag of skin. I reach between my legs to give them a boost… a nudge… a push… Ouch! That hurts… but I got one in there… just gone… Now the other… this one easier… right next to its twin... somewhere inside me... near my appendix, I think. 

I shift my weight… slowly… making sure I avoid picking up splinters… or being stabbed by a 40-year old flooring nail, loosening from its own ancestral home. Yes! Yes! I did it!

Now to take care of the half pickle… the Vienna sausage… barely visible... afraid to show itself after the disappearance of its siblings. 

With my right hand I hold the base… pushing inward with the thumb of my left hand… uh… uh… uh… There it goes... inside… all the way! With my left hand, I hold the entire kit and caboodle inside me. My right hand grabs the duct-tape. Using my teeth, I pull out about a foot of tape. Still holding the end with my teeth, I use the knife to cut the tape from the roll. 

Quickly, I tape myself closed… shut the danglies inside… become WOMAN… at least half-way. I need lips. There’s all that flesh that just covers the prostate. I guess that’s how doctors make those lips when they do trans-surgery. Maybe I can get the feel just by moving the muscles right. 

It’s the in-between... the taint! Taint the asshole… taint the balls… The taint: where my lower lips should kiss the floor. 

Squeeze! Squeeze! Yes! I can do it. Yes! I can learn what it’s really like to have a hole in my body big enough for a human to spray out, wet, slimy, crying. Yes! I can take that huge shit and fall in love with it… bring that vaginal turd to my breast… suckle it… know the pain and Yes! know if there’s the post-natal joy that I see on all those diaper commercials. 

Yes! Yes! …..     No!

I can’t do it. My testicles squeal like trapped mice begging to be released. My limp gherkin leaks into the duct tape. 

No! I can’t do it. I’ll never know the pain that I’m supposed to thank God for not giving me. No! I’ll never experience more than the anal analogy of taking a shit. No! I’ve failed. 

I know. I know. I hear it every day. “You want to be a girl? Be a girl! Those chicks-with-dicks magazines by your bed! You could be one if you want! You’ve got the equipment… sort of.”

I press my palms against the side of my head. I don’t want to hear it. Don’t talk to me about effeminate men. I love them, but they are not women. There’s nothing feminine about them. The swish… the limp wrist… the eye-batting. Stiffens me right up, but it’s not LIKE A WOMAN. 

Once or twice in my life I’ve seen a real vaginated woman move like that. Hand on her hip… cigarette between index and middle finger… pouty sneer. She did not look feminine… she looked like a gay man… a man in drag… a femmy male homosexual. A woman screaming in the pain of childbirth… now SHE looks feminine. 

Soooo… I don’t get it. I don’t get why I make girls into forever Mykel-haters or forever lesbians. I don’t get why they call boys who move in a certain way or have a certain breathiness “feminine.” I have to accept the failure…  Know that sometimes rabbis have answers that scientists don’t. Know that some questions will never be answered.

What has changed is that my mind has gone from I don’t understand women to I can never understand women. And until men start having babies, equality is impossible… and probably undesirable. In the meantime, I’ll strike my chest… and thank God. 

See you in hell,

Mykel Board

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available.  Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line.  Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

-->Lick This Dept. The BBC reports that “a prototype lickable TV screen that people can taste has been invented… in Japan, of course. Taste-the-TV, works by spraying flavors onto a "hygienic film" which is then rolled over the screen. Viewers then are invited to lick it.

The inventor, Homei Miyashita of Meiji University, suggested it could be used to train cooks or sommeliers remotely, though I can think of other uses. 

Of course, Covid makes a nod in the initial sales pitch. "The goal is to make it possible for people to have the experience of something like eating at a restaurant on the other side of the world, even while staying at home," Miyashita told interviewers.

I hope it comes with smell.

-->Just because it’s The Post doesn’t mean it isn’t true dept: The NY Post reports: Canada’s federal government admitted to secretly surveilling its population’s movements during the COVID-19 lockdown by tracking 33 million phones. The Public Health Agency of Canada secretly tracked the devices to assess “the public’s responsiveness during lockdown measures.” 

Meanwhile, here in NYC, the city has TV ads urging people to download the Contact Tracing App. Yeah sure, I’m right on that one. You bet!

-->Prayer from the other side dept: I’ve been watching a lot of movies during the Covid isolation. One of the many great ones is THE MISANDRISTS, written and directed by my long-time pal Bruce LaBruce. It’s the story of a group of militant women who want to destroy all men and reproduce by cloning.

At the start of every day, the women pray. “Blessed be the goddess of all worlds that has not made me a man.” They’ll never know what it’s like.

See you in hell, redux,

MB

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.

Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low

And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong.

Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.

Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both.

My long time pal, Jim Hayes rightfully complained about my leaving out his blog. He’s a great writer, so it was a tragic omission. Here it is.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com