Liquid Refreshment or Mykel's March 2023 Blog or You're Still Wrong

 

Liquid Refreshment or Mykel's March 2023 Blog

  

You’re STILL Wrong

or

Mykel's March 2023 Blog/Column 

Liquid Refreshment

by Mykel Board

Most of the practice of medicine is plumbing 
                                                                 --J. Reisman MD

There are few moments of clarity more profound than those that follow the emptying of an overcharged bladder. The world slows down, the focus sharpens, the brain comes back on line. Huge nebulous difficulties prove on close calm examination to be merely cloud giants. - Tom Holt

You’re the reason I get up in the morning. That, and I need to pee. - Darynda Jones

I’m in Aachen… in French: Aix La Chapelle. It’s my favorite town in Germany. On the Dreilandepunt... where Germany, Holland and Belgium come together. Seat of the Holy Roman Empire. If they were still allowed to teach European history when you were in school, you know it’s where Charlemagne had his headquarters. There’s a bust of him in the local museum… with an actual piece of his skull in the statue’s head. For the Germans, he’s not Charlemagne, but Karl der Grosse... Karl the Great. 

In Aachen, I can have breakfast in Belgium, lunch in Holland and dinner in Germany… and walk to all of them. When I lived there in the 70s, everyone knew the back ways through the woods that avoided customs and border checks. Now that there’s a united Europe, everywhere avoids customs and border checks.

In the 70s, I needed to avoid those checks. Now I carry nothing more sinister than a bottle of schnapps… still no border check.

What a great system. Borders on maps only… maybe for voting or tax paying… but that’s it. Why can’t we make the world like that?

What can we do? When God asked me how to fix the world, I told her that the first thing is to open the borders. Make the US more European. Make the WORLD more European. Instead of a refuge city make a refuge country… a refuge world... where populations can move at will… where the only good passport is a dead passport... where moving between Turkey and Syria is no more difficult than moving between Manhattan and Hoboken.

Belgium is the center of the European government. Why can’t 405 East 42 St be the center of the World government?

FLASH TO BRUSSELS, BELGIUM: here we are at the Grand Place. Buildings older than I am… festooned with the flags of all free European countries… the joy of a united… Hold on… what’s this?

A Ukrainian flag… blue and yellow… or is it gold? I’d know it anywhere… a cloth-waving reminder of DIVISIONS. A flag-waving good-guy vs bad guy… cowboy vs indian… Patriotism for someone else’s country.

It’s the cold war again. THE COMMUNISTS. Aahrgh!

[ASIDE: As I write this there are reports of a crazy balloon… several others… of unknown function. Most probably for weather detection or to bounce radio waves for better internet reception. ] But let me talk about the first one right now. The big silver one:

It’s metallic… it’s floating… Quick, shoot it down!

KERPOW! We shoot it down… and THEY’re the bad guys… going back to…

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FLASH TO 1958. I’m in third grade. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! It’s a test. I know that, but it’s still scary.

“Quick! Everybody under their desks! Now!” Mrs. Reinheimer is even stricter than she is when she’s telling me not to throw spitballs at Janet Kaprinski! “Get down! Now! Wait for the all clear.”

Those damn Russians… they’re going to nuke us. Our only protection is hiding under the desk.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ALL CLEAR. COME OUT NOW. FLASH AHEAD TO 1965. Ninth grade and we learn that only one country on earth has dropped a nuclear bomb… two of ‘em. That country isn’t Russia. Whoops. History tells the truth… we can’t have that.

Soon the US would invade Vietnam… and bomb Cambodia in the mix. So the Western European counties send aid to Hanoi… The Brits send Ho Chi Minh tanks. The French supplY the ammunition. The Spanish provide fighter jets. And the Luxembourg ships in advising officers to train the Vietnamese to fight the Americans.

Actually, none of that happens. The US the GOOD GUY. Invasion? What invasion? It’s not an invasion, it’s support… and the bombing? That’s AIR SUPPORT.

The US has invaded Cuba, overthrown governments in Chile, Guatemala, Iran, Indonesia… is responsible for more foreign deaths than any country since WWII… or maybe any country, ever. anywhere. But (usually) our “allies” support us, because, after all, we’re the good guys.

Every president of my lifetime, except Jimmy Carter (my favorite president) and Donald Trump, has wanted his own war... something to take credit for while showering death on the bad guys.

So I’m standing in the Grand Place in Brussels, thinking about all this. I’m with my pal Randy, who is from Trinidad and plays steel pan in the great Caribbean hardcore band Anti-Everything. Now he now lives in Brussels, getting his PhD in Acoustics.

“Mykel, do you think the Ukraine war is just a proxy war for Joe Biden and the Americans?” he asks.

“I think the Ukraine war is a proxy war for McDonnell-Douglas, Honeywell and Boeing,” I answer. “Biden knows Americans love war. We just wrinkle our noses a bit at all those body bags filled with Americans. Dead Americans give live Americans the heebie jeebies. Biden figured out a way to make billions for American companies, and let the Russians and the Ukrainians fill those body bags.”

Meanwhile, President Zelenskiy gets rock-star status and nobody says a thing when people like the pope, offer to negotiate to stop the war. The Ukrainians would rather fight… and blame it on the Russians.

Imagine there was a negotiator... someone even more skilled than the pope... someone with a good relationship with both the Russians and the Ukrainians…. someone who can… and has… just call up Vlad The Invader or Ladi Dadi Volody... arrange a big meeting and talk to them like old friends. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about… the last president. But there’s not a chance in hell of that happening. Don’t you know? The last president is A BAD GUY. IT’S BETTER TO FIGHT THAN TALK, right?

Okay, enough international politics… I wanna talk about piss. Every major trip I take… and that means hundreds… I bring a travel book with me. I wrote about the book in last month’s blog, but I’ll reprint the cover here… just so you’ll remember. 

In every other country I’ve been in, (there are 70 of ‘em) there’s some sort of disgust --yet childish pleasure-- in stuff that comes out of the body: blood, snot, shit… and piss.

I love talking/writing about that… er… shit. And I love the way it makes people squirm. It’s nasty, taboo, funny… in a word… two words… it’s punk.

Think of all the naked statues you’ve seen... maybe one or two could have served as jerk-off fantasies when puberty hit. Some had showers, water spurting from a vase, a seashell… anything but where it would mean PISS…. Except here: Land of the Manneken Pis.

Older than me, a 1695 pamphlet says The Manneken had become "an object of glory appreciated by all and renowned throughout the world." Yes, a statue of a little boy pissing… renowned throughout the world.

But wait… there’s more. It’s gotten better. Randy takes me on a Piss Tour of Brussels. There are four major stops… each better than the next. The tour doesn’t proceed in his preferred order. That’s not due to bad planning, but to my own prostate problems.

“Randy,” I tell him. “I’m going to have to break your piss tour because of my own needs. I can’t hold it much longer… if we don’t stop some place, I’ll be my own Manneken Pis, down my left leg.”

“Okay Mykel,” he says, “we’ll go a bit out of order. Follow me. Our next stop will be CHURCHEKEN PISS.”

Walking as best I can with my knees pressed tightly together, we go not far… to an historic church. We do not enter the church, but rather go around to the side where… in public… against one side of the building… is a little alcove with a pipe leading to a trough. A couple pieces of graffitied plywood.

Yep, that trough is a public pissoir. Against the wall of a church. You just go there, unzip, and let go… If the guy next to you is tall, you might just catch him glancing down at you...at the best spot.

YES! Pissing against the wall of a church! By invitation of the church! Can you get more Christian Punk than that? 

But wait! There’s more!

Even the hoary hand of feminism has touched Belgian Pis culture. In 1987, spurred by calls for fluid equality, the Brussels government okayed the installation of Jeanneke Pis… Yes! Viva las feministas! A GIRL pissing statue, 300 years after the boy. Originally, it was open and in a big public space. Unfortunately, most likely due to attempts (probably by foreigners) to steal or disfigure the statue. It now stands (squats) behind a padlocked iron cage… on a side street… called Jeanneke Pis Straat. I found a cageless picture in Wikipedia… but I’ve never seen it cageless myself. 

The last stop on our fluid tour of the city is a random street corner in the middle of town.

“Do you see our last exhibit?” Randy asks.

I turn my head right and left.. but I see nothing urinish.

“Look harder,” Randy says.

I start to stroke myself through my pants.

“That’s not what I mean,” he tells me. “Bend your neck.” 

Yes! This is so great! Equality at last!

When the evil mayor Rudy Giuliani pushed through anti-PUBLIC URINATION laws, they only applied to humans. I thought, what is this? Catholicism? Dogs can piss anywhere, but humans have a soul so they can’t piss in the street? What possible logic could say it’s all right for a dog to lift his leg and let go, but if a human does it… leg lifted or not… It’ll cost a hundred bucks? It’s as if the animals are free, but humans have to be on a leash.

Thus the tour ends and we go out for a beer. Every bar in Belgium, being famous for beer, has the names of its current offerings written in chalk outside.

I stop in here. And yes, the featured beer of the day is URINE BEER. I stupidly do not take a picture of the sign… but I sure enjoy my glass of it. Down to the last drop.

See you in hell.

Mykel Board

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

→ To Be Fair dept: I have to be fair to many of my well-meaning but wrong friends. Many of the older folks… my age and beyond if any are still alive… have been equal in their anti-invasionness. They were against America invading Vietnam AND just as against Russia invading Ukraine. I’m not sure, however, if they were as against negotiations then as they are now.

--> Early Endorsement Dept: The reason is complicated, but I saw Marianne Williamson in an interview. She was interviewed by Andrew Yang, who I have mixed feelings about. No mixed feelings about the girl, though! Sorry Sid, she's got my endorsement for the next election. 

→ Forgotten News Department: Back in 2021, the leftist British paper, The Guardian, ran a story about an oligarch head of a former Soviet Republic and his connections to billions in hidden money. His name? Volodymyr Zelenskiy. I guess Joe Biden’s oligarch sanctions don’t include him, right? It must be the t-shirt.

→ A Drop of Good News Dept: This from THE NATION:

See you in hell, redux,

MB

THE NATION AGAIN

I’m a long-time subscriber to the The Nation. It’s the only lefty publication that I find myself not only agreeing with, but also getting inspiration from. Strangely, when I post this stuff on facebook, no one looks at it. My “friends” would just rather call me a “Trumpist” or a “Republican” for all the times I don’t follow the party line. If it’s printed in THE NATION, it should give me street cred, right? Yeah right.

The February 20, 2023 issue has a great book review by Eric Foner. In this review, Foner talks about how ANOTHER war stoked people patriotism, and the general American love of war. And how besides killing people, it was a horror for civil liberties with books and newspapers being censored and people thrown in jail for criticizing the war effort. That war was World War One. I can’t wait to read the book about World War Three.

The same issue has an interview with Daniel Denvir. My favorite quote (changed slightly because it was in a different grammatical context):

The Democratic Party sold out workers and to smooth things over, joined Republicans in celebrating the spectacular punishment of immigrants, and in doing so, helped produce a cartoonish monster. The origins of Trump were bipartisan.

And to end it off, a super column by Katha Pollitt riffing on a real school banning of Muslim art… the ban started by Muslims.

Finally, there’s a terrific editorial that makes the publication the only truly anti-war leftist periodical in the US. And it fits perfectly with what I said in Belgium. (Nothing to do with piss.)

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I did a nice interview with The Aither zine. Interesting questions, complete, and questions I’ve never been asked before. You can read it here. It’s a good one.

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

Video of the week: My long-time friend Sid Yiddish appears on a YouTube DatingGame-like video. Guess who wins the bachlorette!

Jason Rodgers sent me his book Invisible Generation… free! And I lost it. Jason, a long-time partner of Suzy Poe, has been bugging me to review it… and I can’t. So the best I can do is promote it. I have a lot of respect for Jason… he is a libertarian (in the best sense of the word), and a super-smart guy. When/if I find the book, I’ll give you some more details. 

Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.

Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low

And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong.

Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.

Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both.

My long time pal, Jim Hayes rightfully complained about my leaving out his blog. He’s a great writer, so it was a tragic omission. Here it is.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com