Saturday, May 16, 2020

You're Still Wrong, May 2020 Volume 2 or Mykel's Lockdown Time

YOU'RE STILL WRONG.. 

MYKEL'S MAY 2020 BLOG

VOLUME 2

OR

How I spent my lockdown time!



by Mykel Board

[NOTE: CLICK ON ALL PARTIAL IMAGES TO SEE THE WHOLE THING]

It was a great idea, but it failed. Those who follow me on that combat zone known as facebook are aware that I often get friend requests from mysterious young women… usually showing cleavage. They’re clearly spybots, Russian plants, FBI snoops, or Nigerian princesses who want me to hold their money.


Before deleting them, I screen capture... seizing the image and then posting it. Here’s “Favors” showing two of hers.





Out of the blue comes this note from a friend to tell me that –if I flip the image left to right, and do a Google Image Search-- I can find out the real dirt.

I get a note from the Zap magazine… a German REAL PRINT ZINE that I now write for. “Mykel, do that and write about it.”

 I try it on Favors and the results come back. SELFIE! This image is a selfie.

 How may ways can you say DUH!!! I try a couple other names and pictures... Bellaa… Chery… Loyce… Thelma… equally useless… responses. Fuck… failure.

 I go back to my usual way of spending 24 hours a day inside.

You know... there’s a limit on how much one can strangle the chicken… especially when you’re pushing eighty. Any guy older than 17 knows that you can jerk yourself off until the skin turns red and a friction wound opens that hurts worse than getting fistfucked. Any guy older than 60 knows that you can stroke, shake, lubricate, vibrate, a limpy… until finally it stands… slightly better than a drunken teen… only to droop the second the action lags.

 But you’re locked at home… what else is there to do?

 I could tinker… I have a webful of instructions… I have a hammer… several screwdrivers… a drawer full of smart chips dug out from old computers. I know... I’ll teach the internet a lesson it’ll never forget. I’ll ZOOM up its e-ass. I’ll SKYPE the skin from its bones. I’ll turn all those things I hate into things that self-destruct.

 Okay, there’s Amazon… How can I make Amazon hurt itself? I know… I just got my Economic Stimulus check from Donny Trump… I’ll use it! Use Amazon against Amazon.







Oh yeah! It’ll take me a week to build something useful from a kit. Maybe another few days to modify it. Fuck it! I’ll have much more than a week to do it. Besides, once I get the thing started, it can take over for itself.

FLASH AHEAD TWO WEEKS: It’s alive! It’s alive!! And I’ve avoided all that indoor lightning, elevator beds and neighbors in the front yard with torches. All I have to do is plug it in. POW!… He moves. No corpses in his brain… just old transisters and a few parts from the dumpsters outside the Google building on Ninth Avenue. A little trial, a lot of error and…. KERPOW! It’s amazing what a bit of quarantining will do.

He’s ready. R2D-Fruity! My robot… a few days teaching hacking skills and I’ll set him loose. His mission… since the internet is already a parody of itself… with no one believing anything that doesn’t agree with their politics… and the word “facts” changes to mean “what proves me right,” and the words “conspiracy theory” changes to mean “what proves me wrong.” How can I improve on the absurdity inherent in that?

Maybe R2D-Fruity can find a way. He’s just learning now. I’ve programmed him to act like a human. He can lie, cheat, blame others for his mistakes, pretend to like bands that his friends play in even though they really suck. He’s one of us!

I sit him at the computer and pour a nice glass of his favorite beer. Then, I let him hack… hack… hack… and see what he can come up with.

First, there’s getting into the various social networks. It’s a maze that he’s got to learn.






Before long he’s got it!! Whoops… he must’ve done something wrong. Moved a cursor too fast…. swept the screen instead of zeroing in on the square. Here comes the back-up test.








The smart guy that he is, R2D-Fruity knows that the little puzzle purposely makes it difficult to identify, so the responder will click around, then maybe unclick. The actual choice isn’t important… it’s the movement of the cursor in making those choices. BINGO! He’s got it! Now… establish that social media presence.

Next task: to fix it up… the perfect internet tool… The website that will draw enough suckers to make a list whose sale will finance the KGB, the Illuminati, and the Green New Deal. Just with a little website hijacking… and some html, xtml, css, and R2D-Fruity-invented 8M2.

Everyone knows what’s most needed on an internet discussion: links to websites that PROVE YOU RIGHT!

For every point of view... no matter how paranoid or otherwise crazy… there are experts® who’ll back you up. Think Corona is a communist plot? Yeah, find it at https://www.darkmoon.me/2020/coronavirus-conspiracy-a-plot-to-enslave-mankind/.

Think Trump is a pawn of Russia? Here’s your proof:
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/11/29/1719700/-Proof-that-Trump-is-Putin-s-Pawn

Think Africans invented punk rock? Hah, here’s proof they invented EVERYTHING:
https://www.reddit.com/r/unpopularopinion/comments/a7frai/black_people_invented_rock_and_roll_metal_and/

There’s no end to stuff that proves you right. The problem is that it’s all over the place. Who’s got time to Google when there’s an important thread dangling that needs your attention. How can they possibly THINK that? Bang! You need something. Why not have just one place to go to find it all? Just tell it what you want to prove and POW! There it is, URL and all...proving you right.

So, the current job of R2D-Fruity is to hijack a website, rewrite the code, and set the whole plan in motion. The signup will require an email address, and city. This information is for statistical purposes only. It will not be used for advertising or linked with other personal information. Yeah, right. If you believe that, I’ve got a dead Epstein who killed himself in a city jail for you.

Here it is. The home page for ItoldYouSo.com






Once we get the email and city, we then begin to learn about each person. Clicks on conspiracy theories? Right or left tinfoil-hat looney. Wants to prove that the Brits invented punkrock? Out of touch nationalist. Wants to convince you that meat causes cancer? Vegan Reich! Want to convince you that children have sex feelings? Ahhhh, Kiddie-Diddler. You get the idea. Before long we’ll have enough information on each person to be able to control what that person sees. When people sign in we’ll show them exactly those things they’ll agree with. We’ll present the experts® they want, telling them exactly what they want to hear… right from the get-go! We’ll target advertising that not only promotes the ideas of these people… but SELLS them. We’ll make a fortune. Waddaya think?

Huh?


That’s what facebook is ALREADY doing?

Shit! You’re right.

OK R2D-Fruity. Back to the drawing board. How ‘bout an app where people can post pictures of themselves doing boring stuff on the sidewalk? Like taking selfies with their friends… or pictures of their pets. That could be a money-maker, don’t you think?

- end -



ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you want to be notified when a new blog is published, send me an email with the subject line SUBSCRIBE BLOG. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com.


If mommy is a Commie then you gotta turn her in Dept: When the Chad Mitchell Trio wrote those words in the 1960s… they were making fun of the John Birch Society and the McCarthy era, where everyone was encouraged to be a private spy... not for themselves, but for the anti-communist safety of everyone.
These days, i
n New York City, the mayor has established a citizen’s enforcement squad ironically dubbed: Ambassadors. It’s their job to turn in violators of social distancing and mask wearing laws. Besides that, all upright citizens are encouraged to report violations to the cops… and each precinct will maintain one COVID RULE VIOLATION cop car to take care of complaints. Why? For the safety of everyone, of course.

Don’t Forget The Cork Dept: Thanks to my friend, and probable receiver of my presidential vote in 2020, Sid Yiddish, who found a great MSN story on more Corona research.
The result: it can be spread through farts! A mask is not enough to protect others! You need to do more! Wear a cork!

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends... and enemies... in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

  • From my friend and fellow poet, Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com
  • I post a blog for Kyle Nonnemon, in prison for a ton of shit. He's a smart guy, with a passion for industrial metal and a general detestation of humankind. You can read his blog at: apothelema.blogspot.com
  • Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency
  • And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out .Yesterday's Recipes
  • And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.
  • Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here
  • Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.
  • Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.
  • George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently.
  • And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

    --See you in hell! MB

Saturday, May 02, 2020

YOU'RE STILL WRONG.. MYKEL'S MAY Vol 1 2020 BLOG or BLAME! by Mykel Board

YOU'RE STILL WRONG.. 

MYKEL'S MAY 2020 BLOG

VOLUME 1

OR

BLAME!



by Mykel Board


[I’ve given up the idea of splitting the blog into smaller parts. It just doesn’t work well. So now, I’ll just be writing shorter blogs… but more often. Twice a month if I can manage it. This is the first May Blog. I wanted to avoid talking about IT… but these days IT is all there is to talk about]


You’re STILL Wrong
or
Mykel's
May 2020 Blog/Column #1
Blame

by Mykel Board

Don’t assign blame. Fix the problem
Japanese Proverb


Oh the Protestants blame the Catholics
And the Catholics blame the Protestants
And the Hindus blame the Muslims
And everybody blames the Jews
--from Tom Lehrer (slightly changed)


LeRoy Washington Jr. walks across Houston Street… just where the Williamsburg Bridge enters Manhattan. He’s leaving the Baruch Daycare Center, where he just dropped off LeBron, his little boy. LeRoy wears bluejeans and a kind of flight jacket against the cold. As he approaches the street, he reaches into his pocket for his cellphone. It’s not clear if the phone is ringing/vibrating or if he’s just checking his email.

In any case, it’s the phone he’s looking at when he steps into the street. It’s the phone he’s looking at when a big black Uber Limo smashes into him… lifts him completely into the air where he smashes back down onto the street. I don’t know for sure, but I imagine the phone is gone on impact… it is certainly gone when the car in the next lane screeches to a halt… a few seconds too late… and completely runs over the wrecked body.

Both drivers stop their cars… maybe someone else calls the cops.
What’s wrong with you?” shouts the Uber Driver, a tall thin white guy, graying at the temples. “There’s a guy lying in the street and you just run him over.”

You hit him first!” yells the other driver getting out of his Honda Civic.

Yeah,” says Uber, “and I was gonna go help him, and you fuckin’ finished the job.”

This goes back and forth as LeRoy quickly loses enough blood to insure a paler look for his funeral.

FLASH TO LAST WEEK: Jeezus fuckin’ Christ! It’s there! Just POW! Right there on the screen… in zeros, a one and a two. $1200 dollars for doing nothing but staying inside and wearing a mask. Not even… If you read my last blog, you know I don’t stay inside and I don’t wear a mask… and I don’t feel guilty about that.

One of the few things I do feel guilty about is keeping my money at Chase bank. They are scum. One of the worst exploiters among banks… with special fees for poor people. But they are convenient. Branches everywhere… ATMs up the wazoo… Smiley-faced bank tellers who remember you from each visit… or at least ACT like they remember you.

And they’re the only bank I know that writes checks from their website, and mails ‘em for you. You say who to pay and POW! the check is in the mail… for real! I get paid by check… and I have to pay Merle Allin by check. So Chase it is. [BUT, see note at the end.]

And it’s on Chase’s website that I see the dollars… more than the rent... this month.

I got Trump’s cash,” I post on facebook.

It’s not Trump’s,” come the indignant replies. “It’s Nancy Pelosi’s. She’s responsible. Trump held it up just to get his name on the check.”

Did these guys fail Social Studies? Laws are made by someone… often the president, but theoretically anyone.. proposes something, congress debates and (usually) changes the proposal. Then both houses talk about it, vote on it, and if the vote passes, the bill goes to the president… who either vetoes it, in which case it goes back to congress… or signs it… in which case it becomes law.

The two needed to tango are equal partners-- the president and congress. But you gotta have someone to blame.

Am I blaming people for blaming people? You bet your N95 mask I am. And I’m blaming the culture that splits people into all or nothing… that limits thinking to US and THEM… RIGHT and WRONG… GOOD and EVIL. If you think Donny Trump is responsible for your $1200, then you believe in putting children in cages. If you think Nancy Pelosi wrote that check, then you want all Americans to be locked in their houses for the rest of eternity.

It’s not just politics… it’s the law. It’s the Internet It’s TV… I hear TV commercials for ambulance-chasing lawyers that say, “If your doctor made a mistake in treating you, we’ll hold him accountable.”

That’s the new euphemism for BLAME! Tonight, while avoiding the news, I was watching CourtTV. In a reinactment, the cops ask a murder witness to identify the perp… Why? So they can HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE. Goddamnit! Say PUNISH. Say GET REVENGE. Say BLAME.

For the virus, the Trumpists predictably blame the Chinese. Right-wing news source Newsmax quotes an old issue of Nature Magazine. It talks about a report of a Wuhan laboratory studying germ warfare.


Nature's report states: Some scientists outside China worry about pathogens escaping, and the addition of a biological dimension to geopolitical tensions between China and other nations. But Chinese microbiologists are celebrating their entrance to the elite cadre empowered to wrestle with the world's greatest biological threats.
And, of course, they [Newsmax] have to add: the Obama Administration awarded a $3.7 million grant to the lab in 2015.
Why didn’t they mention Hillary Clinton’s emails?
Meanwhile, in perfect irony, Democracy Now!, a liberal news channel, blames freedom itself for creating the pandemic. Opening businesses … no social distancing… no required masks… no schools so poor kids can at least get at least one free meal a (week)day. OUTLAW EVERYTHING! CLOSED AND LOCKED TIGHT IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO! If you don’t agree, you’re an evil Trumpist.
Why don’t they mention Climate Change?
I’m getting sick of writing about this fuckin’ virus. I’m getting sicker of people throwing around blame… like SUVs throw around bodies on Houston Street… rather than thinking of how to work together to find the best solution… of how to take one from group A and one from group B and try it. I’m getting sick of finger pointing every which way except in the mirror.
I’ve been called “a Trumpist” and a “He’s Not My President.” That’s okay. I’ve spent over half a century blamed for being ON THE OTHER SIDE. Yo buckaroo, there is no other side. I blame no one for that. I just want to solve the problem.

--end--


ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you want to be notified when a new blog is published, send me an email with the subject line SUBSCRIBE BLOG. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com.

Surprise dept: It always amazes me when huge corporations show a speck of integrity. So far two of the world’s greatest villains –Apple and Google– have resisted calls to allow government snoopers into people’s phones. Cheers for them. We'll see how long that lasts.

If you can’t beat ‘em, scare ‘em dept: Reuters reports that officials in Indonesia are scaring people into staying home. Kepuh, a village on Java island, is employing local residents to dress as "pocong," or the trapped souls of the dead, in Indonesian folklore. The ghostly figures, in white shrouds with their heads covered and dark-rimmed eyes peering out, surprise unsuspecting pedestrians, then disappear into the night. Villagers have been seen running off in fright when the pocong appear. "People will not gather or stay on the streets after evening prayers," resident Karno Supadmo said.
At least the Indonesians need human size ghosts to scare them. New Yorkers are scared into their homes by viruses smaller than my dick.

Humor anywhere you can find it dept: NDTV tells of an Indian couple whose twins were born March 27. What did they name the pair? Corona and Covid, of course. Let THAT put a smile on your face behind the mask.

A note on the bank: My friend and proof-reader, Marlene, tells me that most banks will write and mail a check for you. I didn’t know that. In any case, I still get my pay from school in a paper check, and there’s a Chase 2 doors down. It’s not the laziness of a very short walk, but the need to quickly deposit the check before some credit card company charges me a late fee.


LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends... and enemies... in their blogs. So facebookme or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

  • From my friend and fellow poet, Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com
  • I post a blog for Kyle Nonnemon, in prison for a ton of shit. He's a smart guy, with a passion for industrial metal and a general detestation of humankind. You can read his blog at: apothelema.blogspot.com
  • Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency
  • And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out .Yesterday's Recipes
  • And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.
  • Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here
  • Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.
  • Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.
  • George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently.
  • And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.



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