A Good Column That Sucks or Mykel's Post MRR Column 19

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Mykel Scrapes His Sensitive Side Post MRR Column Number 6

by Mykel Board

YOU'RE STILL WRONG

POST MRR COLUMNS

by Mykel Board

A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing --William James

The most egregious onslaughts against the human spirit have always been perpetrated by the easily offended.– Jim Goad

DECEMBER 18, 2014: My knees rest on either side of her head... the calves close to her ears. I squat. Her Latina nose tickles my puckering sphincter. I wonder how she breathes. I lean forward. My tightening testes press against her lips. She sucks one in. Then the other. Now both, pushing her tongue up to lift and separate those golden globes in her mouth. I'm furiously pumping myself. My pig appearing and disappearing in its hand blanket. Soon... soon... now! NOW!

She can sense my coming release. I lift myself to switch. To have her finish off my petite pulsator. With my balls still in her mouth, I hear her try to speak.

“Izshit hoofan hee?” is what I make out.

“What?” I ask, holding back as best I can. “What did you say?”

“Izshit hoofan hee?” she repeats.

Uh oh, I'm either gonna cum all over her chin... or lose the urge. I gotta solve this problem quick. I lift my balls out of her mouth and ask again.

“Is it gluten free?” she asks.

I spew.

NOW: You know it. You can't have dinner with people anymore... unless you make it only water... filtered water. I don't eat meat. I don't eat carbohydrates. I can't take spicy food. No alcohol, it's bad for my pituitary. I'm cutting down on salt. Anything that comes from the ocean makes me break into hives. I'm allergic to peanuts. Ad nauseam.

People are sensitive to ANYTHING. Health consciousness has become so obsessive that almost any food has legions who can't eat that stuff. Picky eating has replaced joyful gluttony. We're so sensitive we can't enjoy anything, choosing our meals to avoid what we can't eat, rather than digging into what we love.

This new body sensitivity mirrors a MIND sensitivity. I was witness to the world's dumbest facebook discussion as one person asked another about about the birds in England.

“I am not a bird,” answered the offended receiver. “I am a woman.”

Of course, bird is simply the British version of chick... an avian word for female. (Or at least it was in the 60s.) It's as offensive as naval lint... or should be. But the huff and the puff around this post! Oy vey! It's hard to believe this is 2014. What the fuck happened?

I'll tell you.

After the opening and taboo-destroying 70s and 80s... a new, stronger, set of taboos has raced in to fill the void. Southern Christian parents warn their children against the F-word. While every New fuckin' Yorker uses that fuckin' word at least four fuckin' times in every fuckin' sentence. (My favorite NYC t-shirt: FUCK YOU! You fuckin' fuck!)

That looks like progress, at least here in America's largest city. But New fuckin' Yorkers are so squeamish... so sensitive about THE N-WORD for race, the C-WORD for gender, the H-WORD and the L-WORD for sex preference. Then there's the D-WORD. (It's medication, don't you know?)

A fellow teacher whispers to me in the teacher's lounge. “Mykel,” she says, “I can't believe that guy. He said the P-word... in class. I don't believe it. He's gonna get fired for that one.”

The P-word? What the fuck is the P-word? Piss? Paki? Pollack? Pedophile? Prairie Nigger? I can't imagine! I never heard of the P-word-- but I guess there's one for every letter.

My fellow Jews are notoriously thin-skinned. There's that famous scene in Annie Hall, where Woody Allen talks about how Jews see antisemitism in the most innocuous things.

When someone says “Did you eat yet?” Woody hears “Jew eat yet?” Jew? Jew? See? He's anti-Semitic!

Jews have even appropriated the word anti-Semitic which SHOULD mean against Semites. That is, all Arabs and about a third of the Jews. Now, it ONLY means JEWS... and if you object... why, you're ANTI-SEMITIC!

The Jewish Anti-Defamation League was the first. Jews are often the first to do things-- like invent the theory of relativity, Communism, and the atom bomb. Among religious or ethnic groups we are the most easily offended. The ADL website says “The goal is to develop industry standards that balance effective restrictions on antisemitism, hate, and bigotry with respect for the right to free speech.”

Sorry, buckaroos. You CAN'T balance restrictions on speech with the right to free speech. To quote my hero William O. Douglas about the first amendment: “No law (against free speech) means NO LAW, dammit.”

The Jewish Anti-Defamation League... now the plain old Anti-Defamation League is the modern version of 1950s McCarthyism. Seeing antisemitism under every bed, and in every dark corner... they extend the idea that anyone anti-Israel is anti-Semitic. Sound familiar? It should, that's what Israel itself says.

But the Jews are only the uncircumcised tip of the iceberg. Check it out! We've got: The Polish anti-defamation league, Christian anti-defamation league, African anti-defamation league, Hispanic anti- defamation league, Arab anti-defamation league, Gay and Lesbian anti-defamation league, who's left? Well what about the Cab driver anti-defamation league? I shit you not.

Maybe the nastiest of the anti-defamation groups is the Southern Poverty Law Center whose hate-watch division labels more than a thousand groups as hate groups. The implication is, we gotta get rid of these guys. Hate the haters. They preach intolerance. We can't tolerate that.

It's all about being offended... and some kind of right NOT to be so. First, let get something straight. The idea of FREE SPEECH means there is NO RIGHT not to be offended.

You can say you're offended. Tell people what offended you. You can just answer it. You don't stop it. Even if that censorship is legal, it's still WRONG!

But even to be offended these days!! It's like a gluten allergy. Are you really that sensitive?

I'm Jewish, short, old, bald, and slimly endowed. If someone calls me a short old bald pencil-dick Jew... they're right. I may feel somewhat embarrassed, but I won't be offended. One of my many proud moments is when Jim Goad called me an elfin heeb.

I am not uneducated, pimpled, shy or obsessively clean. If someone calls me a dumb bashful pizza-faced germaphobe, I'll laugh and ask, ”How does your colon look from the inside?” I won't be offended.

Of course, the TRUE epithet usually hurts more than the fantasy, but embarrassed or humored, that's part of life as a human. I don't need to be protected. And I'm not offended.

There are those who say, “Look, the first amendment is about laws. So if the government does it, it's bad. If CORPORATE AMERICA does it, it's good.” Often, these are the same folks who criticize the U.S. for being ruled by corporations. Wake up, CORPORATE AMERICA IS THE GOVERNMENT!

For these folks, if a radio network fires Imus for talking about nappy heads... it's not censorship. If Walmart forces Nirvana to change their lyrics... it's not censorship. If another radio network drops The Dixie Chicks for criticizing George Bush... it's not censorship. It's the free market. Wrong! It's the free market AND it's censorship.

It's not a violation of the constitution, but that doesn't make it any less censorship. When Walmart forced Nirvana to change their lyrics there was no way for those who wanted the original lyrics to hear them... and no way even to find out about them. Blocking information is censorship.

The marketplace can be a more vicious censor than the government. Usually, when the government censors something we know about it. Even in pre-Snowden times, there were trials against ULYSSES and TROPIC OF CANCER. They made the news. People could smuggle in the forbidden books... or at least know they were forbidden. With “free market” censorship, we have to rely on the free market. If you keep up on the issues or follow the National Coalition Against Censorship you might have an idea. But it takes more work than the average Leroy has time for.

It's not only the traditional minorities. Even those who it used to be OKAY to make fun of are now so sensitive that they fall for everything.

I'm not above it. Phil Robertson was “fired” from the Duck Dynasty for an interview in GQ Magazine. [Aside: GQ is the number one magazine for high fashion closet queens. It's not the place you'd expect a hillbilly to give an interview. That alone would have made a less sensitive guy suspicious.] I joined the outraged rage against freedom of speech.

“How could they fire someone for speaking his mind?” I asked, along with the sensitive rednecks outraged at the injustice. I posted on my facebook. Wrote about it in this column, my typing fingers shaking with indignity.

A facebook pal immediately answered that the whole thing was a trick... an A&E publicity stunt to solidify fan support.

“No way!” I said. “The network is just S-O-O-O-O SENSITIVE, that they'll cave in to the homo mafia.”

I was wrong. It was ME who was s-o-o-o sensitive.

In less than a week, Robertson was “rehired” and everything was hunky dory... with more publicity than thousands of paid commercials. It WAS a trick! Why was I such an idiot?

In the 60s and 70s ethnic humor WAS humor. The earliest I remember were the Polish Jokes: Q. Why can't they make ice cubes in Poland? A. They lost the recipe.

There were Jew jokes Q. How do you get 25 Jews into a Volkswagen? A. Throw in a quarter.

Negro jokes: A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under Number of children, she wrote 10 and where it said List names of children, she wrote Leroy. When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says 'List names of children,' you're supposed to write the names of each of your children.” "Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman. "That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker. "Oh, den I uses the last names."

Homo jokes: Q: What does one homo say to another who's going on vacation? A: Can I help you pack your shit?

Redneck jokes: You know you're a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Grandma and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

WASP jokes: Q. How can you spot a WASP in the gym? A. He's the one who steps out of the shower to take a piss.

Everybody joked... and everybody was the butt of jokes. It was FUN. People laughed.

Now, Jimmy Kimmel joking about the Chinese gets protest marches-- and posters of himself with a Hitler mustache. I'd say the Chinese are almost as touchy as the Jews, but Israel one-ups them and makes it ILLEGAL to call anyone a Nazi (especially those in the Israeli government.) Give me a break. Loosen up!

ENDNOTES: [You can email me at god@mykelboard.com. For postal contact... send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003 If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Just join the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

-->Old News Department: I've been cleaning out my virtual drawers and found this interesting article from the turn of the century:

On March 26 1999, the federal appeals court in Chicago upheld the Butthole Surfers' right to end a handshake deal with their former label, Touch and Go. The Buttholes, who signed to Capitol in 1991, sued the label to reclaim the six records and long-form video they made in the mid-80s.

Touch and Go operates on an honor system. They pay the bands 50 percent of the profit on their records--about four times the industry's standard royalty rate. In return, until recently, Touch and Go gets the right to press those records for as long as it can keep them on the market.

Now, however, as a result of the court's decision, Touch and Go and the dozens of labels that follow the same business model, face the possibility that their principles may cost them their back catalogs.

-->Slightly Newer dept: In 2012 California approved a horrible retributive ban on human sex trafficking. The bill was opposed by the California Peace and Freedom Party and the Harvey Milk LGBT Democratic Club. It was supported, of course, by the California Democratic and the California Republican Party.

Now, importing people for slave labor on farms and in the houses of rich people is fine, but if SEX is involved... my heavens! Eeeek!

The law seemed to target Johns, but it actually acts like the Arizona SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS LAW, making sex work harder for the undocumented. If your girl/boy is foreign, you could be a SEX TRAFFICKER! Better stay away.

One critic said: If Proposition 35 passes, anyone receiving financial support from normal, consensual prostitution among adults...could be prosecuted as a human trafficker, and if convicted, forced to register as a sex offender for life!"

It passed.

-->Keeping the pressure on: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a Bring Mykel Back concerted effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll. He forwarded me an answer to a letter MRR printed where the editors excuse my firing not as censorship for content, but because I “refused to answer letters in the letters section.”

That is wrong. I only asked that I be allowed to say I don't LIKE to answer letters there, because I feel it's unfair to the letter-writer for the columnist to always get the last word. If they want me to answer there, I will. SO, here I'm publicly agreeing to abide by their rules. Here it is in ones and zeros. Their excuse for censoring me disappears.

I hope you'll cut and paste the paragraph above into an email, and send it-- along with your comments-- to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com with the subject line: BRING MYKEL BACK. Let me know how they answer.

-end-