POST MRR COLUMNS
Column 19 or
This Column Sucks
by Mykel Board
We keep on being told that religion, whatever its imperfections, at least instills morality. On every side, there is conclusive evidence that the contrary is the case and that faith causes people to be more mean, more selfish, and perhaps above all, more stupid.” Christopher Hitchens
"Nothing exists between the penis and mathematics. Nothing at all! It's a vacuum.” Louis-Ferdinand Celine
The world is right. G-d is punishing Boston for cheating at football. Three blizzards in three weekends. Yeah! Obama asks the FCC to make the internet a “public utility,” insuring that net neutrality at least has a chance. Double Yeah! And my favorite video has made a xvideos.com comeback. Yes! The three German just eighteens. Oh super YEAH!
The girl, just this side of pretty-- slightly zaftig, with a nice full mouth and a twat you could die for-- sits astride the guy... his skin smoother than the ice on a blizzard street. . His longitude... pressed from behind... enters her longitude in nice easy strokes. Pan upwards, we see her bouncing breasts... face completely devoid of that fake ecstasy that teens show when the director shouts Look like you're enjoying it! Pan further upward, the handsome face of the young man, in profile... mouth tight around the penis of another handsome young man who's standing on the couch next to the intercoursers.
An idea! I click the hold button... glance around the room... there it is... the DIRT DEVIL. That hose!
Wobbling with my pants around my knees, I walk over to the vacuum... take the hose off its rack. A quick alcohol swish around the nozzle. Sitting down, I push the nozzle between my legs. I'm limp enough to enter easily. I turn on the vacuum. Once sucked inside, I stiffen like a nipple in a blizzard.
I click CONTINUE.
The German girl deep kneebends over the sitting guy. The standing guy moves ever so slightly as the humper sucks hard, in and out... the way it should be.
Between my legs, there is only one-way sucking. I pull on the hose to relieve the tension. Pull... release... pull... release...
On the screen, the girl grinds harder... twat muscles tensing... for real. The seated guy's balls hang loose, showing he's got a while to go. The standing guy: saliva dripping from shaft to gonads... those gonads tighten. Sitting boy shifts, releasing the shaft, sucking gonadally, first one... then the other... then both together. I hit PAUSE.
I shift the vacuum... let it suck my right one... pulling hard... Pumping myself with the right hand, I hit CONTINUE with the left. Standing boy and I spew together. Perfect timing. A drop or two of semen rests at the edge of the vacuum hose. Then I feel the pain. I shut off the vacuum and look down at my injury.
Bring in the camera for a close up... lying there like the inside of a bruised clam. The normally blue veins now viciously black... hairs skimpy, sucked straight out... a balding porcupine. Pull back a bit, get a wider view... the whole package lying there... a slug on a couple miscolored egg yolks. Pull back some more, get the whole body... waist up in my SUPERJEW t-shirt (a gift from Israel)... waist down sitting in my gray chair, exhausted... Crank up the crane, get the whole apartment, bookshelves, locked porno cabinet... records... books... coffee cups... empty beer bottles... Back some more... the whole building... the roof with the spinning vents... the elevator hutch... helicopter shot: get the block... the unceasing noise of Broadway... the squeals of NYU girls discovering the joy of squealing on Bleecker Street... there's where CBGB used to be... pull back some more... earth is a blue sphere and Broadway is more invisible than the Great Wall of China... back and back... the solar system... the galaxy... several galaxies... the universe... huh?
Suddenly we're pulled away, sucked... a tiny pinhole... a planet... a dead star... collapsing in on itself... a black hole pulling the universe into it... not even light can escape the vacuum. Space itself is a vacuum. This is the vacuum that sucks vacuums. Vacuums need to be filled, even if it takes the universe to fill them.
FLASH TO THE EARLY YEARS OF THIS CENTURY: The World Trade Center has been attacked. Great Christian moralist GW Bush, vowing to finish God's work started by his father, attacks Saddam Hussein in revenge. The fact that Hussein had nothing to do with the WTC destruction does not stop the invasion.
GWB finds his biggest supporters among atheists like Christopher Hitchens, who becomes a cheerleader for the war in the name of anti-Muslimism. Fanaticism is not limited to religion. Take out God and something else will suck in the fanatic... like anti-God. Atheists' lack of belief leaves a vacuum big enough to drive a war through.
Send in the tanks... the troops... the missiles remotely controlled to hit-- and destroy-- bomb shelters. Send in the press... disinformation... Saddam throws babies out the windows... out of incubators... get rid of the guy... topple the only man who kept Iraq together.... the guy who brought women out of their burqas... the guy who tamed all sides... who controlled... who put the air in Iraq... who kept the pieces together. Hang him high! Yeah!
And then there's the vacuum. The unity, the cohesive force that kept the country together... gone... collapsed in on itself like a black hole. Like Yugoslavia without Tito, Iraq splinters into a dozen fighting factions. Add to this the general feeling in the Muslim world that the US is anti-Muslim (killing Qaddafi, fighting Hussein, neutral on the Palestine genocide... why would they think that?) and the vacuum gets filled. Can you say ISIS or ISIL or... a bunch of burning beheading nuts... who suck in every misfit Muslim, every abused Arab, every subjected Sunni?
I wrote about conspiracies last month. And the timing of ISIS does seem too perfect... too made-to-drum-up-war support. Okay, it may be Mossad or the CIA or the International Soldiers of ZOG... but I don't think so. Was ISIS created by the US and Israel? I don't think so. ISIS/L is a creation of the VACUUM... of the Black Hole left after the power holders disappear.
FLASH TO FACEBOOK: And you know what he said about me? Let me tell you, that little prick. And that's the truth... my god is it tiny... I don't know how that girlfriend of his gives him head? It'd be like giving head to a pimple....
And it's another facebook saga, where the most personal aspects of people's lives are out there for the world or at least for QUOTE friends UNQUOTE to see. The idea of privacy, of we don't talk about these things, is gone... sucked away by the need to tell all even if it's about people who thought they were speaking in confidence. There is no confidence. Whooosh, privacy gone. And there's a vacuum.
It's not all bad, you have Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden revealing the evils of a government no longer able to keep those evils hidden. But it is MOSTLY bad. Stray comments are broadcast to anyone. A private phonecall... a personal conversation... costs L.A. Clippers owner his team. People can't say or do anything in private... there is no private. It's vanished, leaving a vacuum. And into that vacuum?
The Duck Dynasty, Rush Limbaugh, some poor British actor who uses the word COLORED. It's all in public and if it OFFENDS it must be punished. Think the wrong thing too loudly and you'll be punished. Lose your job, your sports team, or be forced to your knees in apology.
FLASH TO AMERICAN POLITICS: Until recently, politics was economic class. Rich people wanted a corporatocracy, where money rules and the poor are slaves. They got it. Capitalism is better than slavery. With slavery, the masters have to provide room and board. In capitalism, the slaves have to buy their own room and board. Bang, the war is over. Any attempts to resurrect it (can you say OCCUPY?) are met with the horror... But that's class war! I only wish it were true.
Though The Nation and Mother Jones are reluctant to say it... The War Is Over... and THEY won. Despite a few holdover pockets, the rich beat the poor and the rest of us. All that political energy... all that focus on throwing over the ownership class... gone, sucked out like Muammar Qaddafi.
FLASH TO FEMINISM: So the girls are getting what they want. Instead of the luxury of staying home all day, taking care of the kids during the few hours they're not in school, watching soap operas... They get JOBS. They get to wake up at 6AM commute to do something they hate doing work for someone they hate working for... spending their time MAKING MONEY instead of caring for loved-ones. Oh yeah, progress... equaity.
Women used to shop and cook during the day... choosing food, preparing meals, and then BANG. No time. Minutes, hours, days sucked out of the lives. No time to be healthy, loving... that time is used by WORK!! Pow! We've got a vacuum... and what fills it? MacDonalds... and Cup O'Noodles... and Swanson's Hungry Man! Pop Tarts and Snickers... and colored nannies. Mmmmm... just suck it up.
Political correctness represents something far more profound than its critics appreciate. The victory of PC is built upon the demise and decay of traditional forms of authority and traditional forms of morality. It is parasitical on what we might call the crisis of conservative thought. In fact, I would argue that the power of PC is directly proportionate to the weakness of the old, taken-for-granted forms of morality. --Brendan O'Neil
FLASH TO AN OBSCURE WEBSITE: It's a great column... no I mean HIS, column. He takes conservatives to task for the stupidity of Trigger Warnings and The Feminist War Against Transsexuals® It's rare to see the self-critical-- or even self-aware-- conservative. They're usually too busy blaming everything from nose hairs to flatulence on The Liberals.
But this guy's column talks about the loss of shared values... conservative values: God, country, family, cleanliness. Those are values I'm glad to see dead... but their death leaves a vacuum. A moral vacuum. A what's right and wrong vacuum. The idea of SIN is sucked out of our culture. Filling that vacuum is the idea of OFFENDING. It is now impossible to SIN, but oh so easy to OFFEND.
There's a stirring at the vacuum cleaner. A rustling... at the nozzle. There.. breast-stroking through the pubic hairs is my muse... the amanojaku to my amanojaku personality...born from dust bunnies and semen... naked except for a lotus leaf skirt... fat as a Buddha. Its two lower canine teeth stick up outside its jaw... over its upper lip. Crawling out of the hose... just spurted forth from the Dirt Devil like Aphrodite from the brow of Zeus. It approaches me.
BUT, dear reader, I've gone over my self-imposed word limit. You'll have to wait until next month to see what happens.
ENDNOTES: [You can contact me by email at email@example.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group firstname.lastname@example.org]
-->Nice rich man dept: What suckers Americans are! Billionaires steal their wealth from them (and the rest of the world). When they give a little back, people love them for it. Take Michael Bloomberg... please. Or Bill Gates.
Oh yeah... the Bill Gates Foundation, that lovely charity... is investing in prisons! That's right the GEO organization, that keeps people in isolation, maintains inhumane conditions, and operates slave labor, gets money from Gates. Details (and a petition) are here.
-->See, we DO indict cops dept: A New York grand jury has indicted a cop in an accidental shooting in a blacked out building. The rookie cop, obviously scared, shot wildly into the dark and hit someone. Just this guy opening the door. There was no malice on the cop's end, just fear. It was an accident.
But in this atmosphere, where the truly guilty cops get off, the public is demanding COP BLOOD. So it looks like they're going to get it where it's least deserved. And... oh yeah... the indicted cop isn't white.
->Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for their (firing me as a) contribution to the world of censorship. Send your comments-- to email@example.com with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.