An Irregular Column
for MRR 305
by Mykel Board
Woman is the nigger of the world. --John Lennon, 1972
Jimi Hendrix was a nigger. Jesus Christ and Grandma, too. Jackson Pollock was a nigger. Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger. Outside of society, they're waitin' for me. Outside of society, if you're looking, that's where you'll find me. --Patti Smith, 1976
Guns don't kill people. Niggaz do. --Bumper Sticker last seen 1992
Jesse Jackson uses the N-word. -Headline, NY Post, 2008
When I hear someone say, “The F-word,” it's like listening to mom talking about “pee pee.” Little Mickey shouldn't hear PISS. He might start talking dirty in front of the relatives.
There isn't an F-word. There is FUCK. It has dozens of meanings, from whatever (as it “Fuck it, who cares?”) to Wow (as in “That was fuckin' amazing!”) to sexual intercourse (“Wanna fuck?”).
When I hear someone say “the N-word,” it's like listening to mom talking about poo-poo.
Little Mickey should hear SHIT. He might start talking dirty in front of the relatives.
Yo, buckaroos. There isn't an N-word. There is NIGGER. It has fewer meanings than FUCK, but more connotations.
In the U.S., theword nigger was not always considered derogatory, but was instead used by many as merely denotative of black skin, as it was in other
In the UnitedKingdom and other parts of the English-speaking world, the word was
often used to refer to people of Bangladeshi, Pakistani, Kashmiri, Indian or Sri Lankan descent, or merely for darker-skinned foreigners in general; in his 1926 Modern English Usage, H. W. Fowler observed that when the word was
applied to "others than full or partial Negroes," it was "felt as an insult by the person described, and betrays in the
speaker, if not deliberate insolence, at least a very arrogant inhumanity." The note was excised from later editions of the book.
In the 1800s, as nigger began to acquire the pejorative connotation it holds today, the term "Colored" gained popularity as a
kinder alternative to Negro and associated terms. For example, abolitionists in Boston, Massachusetts posted warnings to "Colored People of Boston and vicinity." The name of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People reflects
the preference for this term at the time of the NAACP's founding in 1909.
I give the NAACP a poo-pooload of credit for not abandoning “colored people,” when the language fashion changed. But it's a damn shame that colored people... and everyone else... has abandoned NIGGER, running from it like Christians before the wizards of Harry Potter.“Don't say that word! It's evil! Satanic! Witchcraft! You'll die!”
In 2008, NIGGER has more power than Albus Dumbledore. I don't want to give it up.
Patti Smith got it right. Niggers are outside of society. They are the trouble makers, the bad guys, the ones who refuse to fit in, refuse to be nice. If that's you, then embrace your inner Nigger. Call it by name: NIGGER!
Years ago, homos reclaimed the word QUEER. They figured, why let the phobes have the best words?
If you think about it, you can see the logic. Would you like to be a homosexual? Yuck. Sounds like a tweed jacket, pipe, elbow patches.
“Oh yes, I happen to be a homosexual. Pip pip ole' chap.”
It doesn't matter how much semen has loosened itself in my anus. I am not a homosexual. You can bet my ass on that.
But queer! That's me. It's a word with power. One syllable. Hits you in the balls. Think of the rhymes: Fear! Beer! High gear! Yeah, I'll be a queer any day. Call me queer. Thanks! But I am NOT a homosexual.
And Nigger? For rhymes we've got Vigor! Bigger! Trigger! Oh yeah, I'll be one of those. Why let the crackers have the best words?
Nigger is more than a potent word. It's a potent image. A potent history. Like “punk,” it's a word of contempt. And has been since the 1900s. Also like punk, it's a word to wear like a medal, if you're brave enough earn the contempt of others.
So Mykel, waddaya want from me?
Glad you asked.
I want you to sit under a tree. Fold your legs in full lotus. Rest a hand on each knee. On each hand, touch the thumb to the middle finger, making a circle. Close your eyes and listen to your breath. Follow the air as it goes out of your lungs, then back down... down... down... into your body. Let your consciousness travel inward with that breath. Concentrate.
It may take awhile, but you'll see it. First a black speck, then a black pea, then a ping pong ball. Keep following it. You're on the path of discovering your inner Negritude. The Nigger inside.
Surprise! You're outside of society. You don't want to be respected by stockbrokers. You don't want to show your ID at the bar door. You don't want to live from nine to five and go shopping on the weekend. You're a Nigger. Great first step.
The next and hardest part is to be proud of it.
You found it. Embrace it. It isn't the N-word. It's you. And me. And Patti Smith. And every Nigger who did the right thing and earned the contempt of the world for it.
Punks! Smokers! Fat People! Pedophiles! You're Niggers!
Muslims! Femmy guys! Butch girls! You are too.
Cripples! Old people! Underage drinkers!
Outside of society, Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger,
nigger, nigger, nigger.
We are the world's Niggers. And I'm marching in front of the crowd, the N-word branded into my chest by a hot cup of Starbuck's coffee. Come on, fellow Niggers. Are you with me?
ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (firstname.lastname@example.org) or website viewers (www.mykelboard.com) will get live links and a chance to email comment on the column]
-->Cause and effect dept: In a classic example of mistaking cause for effect, The Bottom Line notes that people who are overweight are more likely to have bad breath than their fat-impaired counterparts. The magazine says the reason may be "because they eat a diet that promotes dry mouth and/or because of poor dental hygiene.”
They've got it wrong. The bad breath came first. Then their friends stayed way. They got depressed. They ate to relieve the depression. They got fat.
-->We're number one... er... dept: The U.S. now ranks 19th, er... dead last... among industrialized nations in preventable deaths. This compares with 15th place 10 years ago. Why? Now THAT'S not hard to figure out. Healthcare anyone? How about diet? Advertising? The insurance industry?
-->Fecal mental health dept: In Madison Wisconsin, police charged Tammy Lewis and Alan Bushey with "causing mental harm to a child." The reason? Alan Bushey, a self-proclaimed Bishop, said that a dead 90 year old woman would come back to life if they left her on the toilet where she died. That corpse stayed on the john for two months. The police said that the children in the house, a 15-year old girl and a 12-year old boy, suffered because of the smell.
The smell? That's the cruelty? What about the inability to use the toilet! Grandma's sitting there rotting. Where do you shit? In a soup pot in the kitchen? That's WORSE cruelty, I'd say. But I'm not a cop.
-->Sin tax dept: Florida State Representative Rick Kriseman has written a bill that would impose a $1 tax on "adult entertainment" clients to increase Medicare benefits.
Says Kriseman, "People that frequent these businesses tend to go in with wads of bills. I don't think they'll miss one."
Angelina Spencer, executive director of "the Florida Sunshine Entertainment Association," opposes the bill.
"What we're opposed to," she says, " is an arbitrary tax that singles out one particular industry."
Oh, you mean like gas, cigarettes or booze?
-->Number One With A Bullet Dept: Kyle N writes me that he's in jail with Jay Scott Ballinger, the guy who burned down 33 churches saying he was serving LUCIFER. Kyle gave Jay a copy of my book, I, A ME-IST. Ballinger was "appalled and shocked" at my writing. Yowsah!
-->Insult? I'd say compliment dept: Kyle also sent me a clipping about a group of four people (2 women and 2 other) from the island of Lesbos, off the Greek coast. They're suing a Greek gay rights group, asking that the group be prohibited from using the word "Lesbian" to describe gay women. The complainers told the court that the word LESBIAN "causes embarrassment to the women of Lesbos." These women, he says, are afraid to call themselves "Lesbians" because people might think they are gay. As of this writing, the case has not yet been settled.
I guess the folks from the ancient city of SODOM, are waiting for a decision to see if they, too, will sue. Stay tuned.
-->Not quite dead last dept: In its first-annual survey, the travel website Expedia asked 4,000 hoteliers their opinions of various nationalities as tourists. The Japanese got the most praise. Americans tied with Thais for an unimpressive 11th place. The French came in 19th. The Chinese were 21st-- last on the list.
-->Death penalty for attempted suicide dept: Juan Alvarez ran out of his gas-soaked SUV after parking it on railroad tracks in Glendale California. A train ran into it, killing 11 people. Alvarez was arrested and charged with murder.
He pleaded not guilty. The man said he had intended to kill himself and then changed his mind. He couldn't get the SUV off the tracks in time, so he ran. The jury disagreed and found him guilty. On 11 counts of murder, he could face the death penalty. Does he hope so?
[Late Note: just before the deadline for this column the papers report that Alvarez got life in prison. I wonder if it'll be a long sentence.]
-->Bad guys try again dept: California laws have repeatedly struck down requests of parents for home schooling. Mostly supported by right-wing Christians (with a few hippies for added disgustitude), home schooling is just a way to pass prejudices, skewed philosophy, and religious intolerance onto the next generation of idiots.
Public schooling forces (or should force) race, gender and idea mixing. It should challenge parents and open students to ideas they would not have heard.
Parents say this is unfair. They should have a right to educate their children into whatever idiocy they choose. Of course they already HAVE that right. They can teach their kids whatever they want... AFTER school. That's the way it should be.
Unfortunately, the badguys don't give up. They're trying again and the courts must yet again decide the case. I'm not betting on the good guys in this one.
-->Let's hear it for God dept: In 1999, Oregon passed a law that bans parents from treating seriously ill children with prayer alone. This year, a 15-month-old girl died of pneumonia when her parents treated her with prayer instead of antibiotics. I say the police made a mistake. God, in her own way, is at work here, cleansing the world of future Christians.
-->Speaking of Niggers dept: Barack Obama is trying his hardest to get me not to vote for him. He votes YES on the citizen spy bill. He says religion should “play a greater part in U.S. domestic policy.” Oy vey! He's acting like an African American. Maybe Jesse Jackson was wrong.
The only decent thing he's done in the last six months is to complain that the New Yorker Magazine insulted Muslims. That took some balls. These days, insulting Muslims is as safe as insulting the KKK. NOT insulting them takes courage.
That courage might be the little piece of Nigger in Obama that'll still get me to vote for him.