BRAIN POLICE or Mykel's Post MRR Column no 52

YOU'RE STILL WRONG

POST MRR COLUMNS

POST MRR COLUMN NUMBER 52

Brain Police!

by Mykel Board

Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” --Buddha

I know of no country in which there is so little independence of mind and real freedom of discussion as in America. --de Tocqueville

What will you do if the people you knew were the plastic that melted, and the chromium too? WHO ARE THE BRAIN POLICE? --Frank Zappa

Yo! Yeah, I'm talking to you. No, don't look over your shoulder... There's no one there. Yeah you! You... the echo of every tweet that agrees with you. You... the spewer of every fashionable idea that every one of your friends spouts... verbatim. You... the cop-hating language cop. You the safe-spacer... the spouter of thoughts you take for granted... but are wrong. Yeah, I'm talking to you!

FLASH TO PORNHUB.COM: Damn it! A search for bisexual Africans is one page long and it only has lesbos with guys. What's up with that? Where is the doggie-style girl on her hands and knees... one guy on either end... the black twinks kissing each other as the girl gives head to one and takes the other up the wazoo? Forward me the links... please!

Elena once asked me if I still could jerk off only to what's in my mind... if I NEEDED porn to get a stiffy... if I could use my own fantasy to spew the few drops my prostate has left onto that faithful purple rag that hangs next to the computer.

An interesting question. The facile answer is Of course I don't need porn. An attractive REAL LIVE naked person will work just fine. That is a cheat... and it's not the point. The point? Can I construct a fantasy in my mind... one strong enough to get me off? With no pictures... no text... no outside inspiration?

I can do it, if I fantasize about someone I've seen. I can have an orgasmic mental vision if the people are real. I can rise and stroke if I have an image in my head of someone substantive... a real LIVE person. But I cannot create from scratch. I cannot make a face... a body... a dialog... out of nothing... and then jerk off to it. I USED TO be able to do it. But now I can't. Is porn responsible for that inability? We'll talk about that later.

FLASH TO LAS VEGAS NEVADA: Stephen Paddock, an ex-serviceman, open-fires on a Country and Western crowd. Blau... blau. BlauBlauBlau.. A....aaaaa.aaaaaaaaaa...aaaaa...

Bodies crash to the ground. That ground quickly turns to crimson mud. A young woman tries to run from the shots... she trips over a corpse... near corpse?... she's down. Ratatatatat across her back. Two corpses.... Then more. By the time it's over, the body count is 59.

FLASH TO SUTHERLAND SPRINGS, TEXAS: Devin Patrick Kelley enters a church on November 4... He opens fire. Heavy artillery... through the pews... KERPOW! KERPOW! KERPOW! Bullet-torn victims from 24 months to 70 years old.. A sea of bloody Christians... come together to ask for God's blessing and this is what they get. Almost enough to make you think God is not such a nice guy.

FLASH TO NEW YORK... HALLOWEEN: I hate Halloween. Next to Santacon, it's my least favorite holiday of the year. In NYU-land... around the corner from my apartment, Halloween is an excuse for every closet-queen fratboy to dress in borrowed frills and stuffed brassieres.. and parade his drunken idiocy on the street. It's gotten worse since the costume cops make even this unacceptable (sexist, they say)... limiting approved trans-costumes to Superheroes ... and inanimate objects.  

The morning of this Halloween a rented truck in Soho plows into a group of cyclists and pedestrians. The driver shouts ALLAH AKHBAR or something like that. BLAM! Right down the bike path. PITUM! PITUM! PITUM! Like a ball in a bowling alley. Bikes and people fly through the air like bowling pins. Eight people die. 

You don't have to be Nostradamus to predict the reaction. MASSACRE... MASSACRE... TERROR.

Social Justice Warriors twitter up a storm:

On and on... a tsunami of righteous indignation. When I object, I hear that old 1960s refrain. Mykel, you're either part of the solution or you're part of the problem.

I say: YOU'RE WRONG! The solution IS the problem.

FLASH TO HATE-CRIMES: Somebody scrawls a swastika on a tombstone in a Jewish cemetery. It's A HATE CRIME!! That means the perp goes to jail... for graffiti.

It's a dark side street in Greenwich Village. Two young guys... matching haircuts... walk down the street hand-in-hand. The sound of voices rings from behind.

“Let's get 'em!”

A gaggle of colored teens is on the homosexuals. A fist to the ribs... one to the head. One of the attackers holds one of the gay pair. Another reaches into the victim's pocket and and takes his wallet.

“Yeah, you homos... I need this more than you do.”

The colored guys are later arrested and charged with assault and robbery as a hate crime... sentenced to an extra two years in jail... just for the hate part.

FLASH TO JOHNNY CARSON 1960s:

Carson is playing THE GREAT CARNAC! Wearing a huge turban (politically incorrect in the 21^st Century) festooned with jewels, he takes a sealed envelope and holds it to his temple.

“And the answer is PETER PAN!” He says. Then he opens the envelope and reads:

“What do you use to fry a Peter?”

Next envelope:

“And the answer is Hi Diddly Dee.” And he opens the envelope.

“How do you say Good Morning to your diddly dee?”

Get it? Mind reading was a trick. A joke. Something that everyone knew was fake... an impossibility. That was 1965... Sometimes what everybody knew, nobody knows anymore.

Now, what's IN THE MIND is no longer a joke. It's not a parlor trick. It's a crime! TERRORISM, like a HATE-CRIME is in the mind of the criminal... not in the action. It is a thought crime. Your support for HATE-CRIME laws, makes TERRORISM laws possible. YOU... yeah you... give the okay to criminalize what people are thinking.

What makes the Muslim a terrorist while the white guys aren't? It's the same reasoning that makes a subway graffitier an artist and a swastika painter a hate criminal. It's the MIND.

Don't tell me there are other thought crimes. Crimes of intent. The difference between a killing by accident and MURDER. Intent requires SOMETHING in the mind of the perp... but it doesn't say what that something is. If I plan to kill you... that shows intent. If I stalk you. Follow your comings and goings... wait outside your door for you to show yourself... that shows intent. It doesn't matter WHAT the motive is... jealousy... fear... hatred... revenge... intent is the only requirement. It doesn't take a mind-reader to figure it out.

In the 21^st Century, things have changed. Where mind-reading was a joke, now it's deadly serious. People are going to jail... maybe executed... because of their thoughts! Because of what's in their minds.

You're pissed that the white guys massacred and the Arab was a terrorist! The reason is the thought, not the action. Terrorism is for political ends. The THOUGHT must be to make some political change. The massacre-makers had no politics. They were in it for the blood. More people died in the massacres, but the killers didn't THINK terrorist^® thoughts.

I've written before about my feelings on hate crimes. Now we see it reflected in terrorism. The same people who support hate crime laws, now complain about “unfair” terrorism charges. You... yeah you... you don't get it. You're the problem.

Once you allow MIND-CRIMES... once you allow the law to prosecute thoughts... what's in the mind... you unleash a terrible power. How many of my fantasies are illegal... and yours? How many women dream about getting raped... but would never want it in real life? What if there were penalties just for the fantasy? How many diaries... blogs... pre-bedtime jerk-offs... daydreams... nightmares are against the law... or will be?

Is my increasing inability to fantasize a reaction to increasing thought control? I donno, but it might be.

When we police thinking... we stop thinking. Americans suffer from lack of thinking enough. My inability to create a hard-on-inducing image from scratch is a precursor to ALL of our inabilities to imagine anything new, different, transgressive, strange.

The cliched answer to Why do they hate is? is: They're jealous of our freedom. As long as THINKING is against the law, we have no freedom to be jealous of.

--End of the Main Part--

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

--> I said it in the 80s dept: I found a link to a "song" I wrote in the 1980s that had similar ideas... called "terrorist." You can find it at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqBBIxBYQ1I, but you might have to cut and paste, because Blogger is acting up today.  

-->Scalp em! dept: The Minneapolis Sculpture Garden has dismantled an anti-slavery artwork that tried to recreate the gallows Americans used to help enslave non-white people. Why was it dismantled? Indians!

      Protesters said it was traumatic “because it recalled the execution of 38 tribesmen in 1862.” Traumatic? That's the idea! But you can't talk to people about trauma... it may cause a traumatic reaction.

-->Leaving Absurdistan dept: By the time you read this I'll be out of New York on my yearly adventure to... someplace. This year I'm going to:

     1.Los Angeles from Dec 1 through the 7th

2. New Zealand from Dec 9 through New Year's Eve
3. Tahiti (Pape-ete) for a SECOND New Year's Eve (It's on the other side of the International Dateline, get it?) Till Jan 8
4. San Francisco Till Jan 14

If you'll be in any of those places let me know... and we can meet up. If you've got beer and a couch, that's even better.

-->Busy little beaver dept: There's lots to pimp this month. First, there's an essay I wrote (actually a version of an MRR column), about GG Allin's last show in New York. The book it's in is expensive, but great! Click on it for more information and Amazon ordering. Maybe you can get it used.

-->Something for the girls dept: I contributed a lot of photos, but they only wanted the ones that presented a “positive image.” So I think I have one picture in the book... even then, it's a fine inspiration and memory of a time when females did more than complain about being touched.

-->You're kidding dept: Those who REALLY know me, know that I'm a fan of haiku and senryu (more human, usually humorous, haiku). I don't mean those idiotic 5-7-5 internet joke haiku. I mean REAL stuff. Stuff that ignores 5-7-5 and goes for something deeper. For 25 years or so, I've belonged to The Spring Street Haiku Group. We do small chapbook anthologies. Here's the current one... and it's cheap. If you can't connect by clicking on the book, it's because I'm out of town. Try again at the end of January, or send a crisp $5 bill to me at POB 137, NYC 10012. I'll send you a copy when I get back.

-->Last With A Hard-on dept: Remember when homos celebrated QUEERNESS instead of pushing to be JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE? You can see me, Tom Jennings, Larry Livermore, Bruce LaBruce and the terrific GB Jones (among others). In the Queercore documentary... Here's a link to their facebook page. 

MORE PLUGS

If you're interested in my travel writing , check out http://mykelsdiary.blogspot.com/

You can read some of my classics as far back as the 70s at: http://mykelsoldies.blogspot.com/

I also have some random postings including several on how rich people spend their money.

Those are at: http:/mykelsclippings.blogspot.com

AND FINALLY

LINK TRADE:

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to.

Here's a start:

• David Goldberg's Busy Microbes Blog

• And another Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

• Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

• Sometimes I contribute to an interesting multi-talented blog called OgFomK Arts see me there!

• And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes. 

• And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

See you in hell!

--Mykel Board

FEEL GOOD RACISM or Mykel's Post MRR Column no. 29

So this English teacher walks into a bar. “Give me an Anchor Christmas ale,” he says to the bartender.

“We don't got no Anchor Christmas,” says the bartender.

“Then you have some,” corrects the teacher. “Two negatives make a positive.”

“So two positives make a negative?” asks the bartender.

“No,” says the English teacher, “two positives do not make a negative.”

“Yeah right,” says the bartender.

Mykel's

Post MRR Column no 29

Feel-good Racism

by Mykel Board

My prostate is killing me. It's like at the gym. You work a muscle too much... the next day: You pay in pain. You know those machines where you spread your legs against some weights to strengthen your outside thigh muscles? Then, on another machine, you press your legs together to strengthen your inside thigh muscles.

I figured I'd be much better at spreading my legs than keeping them together... like in real life. But in real GYM life, I can take more weight on the inside. What a surprise! Post-exercize, though, the inside hurts more.

My recent prostate exercise... now causing me pain... resulted from exactly the right combination of search terms in the xvideos search box: “18” “ethnic” “orgy.” BOING! Bring on the pain.

After I mop up, I flip from the PRIVATE internet window to CNN. BANG! Yet another cop-goes-free case... no charges. A 12-year old boy... just a kid... shot to death... without warning... for playing with a toy gun. #blacklivesmatter Yeah, right.

Predictably, liberals are outraged. Conservatives say “It looks like a real gun and anyway ALL LIVES MATTER.” Cleveland stays calm. Unlike in Baltimore and Ferguson, there is no price to pay for killing someone black... at least not in Cleveland.

In Texas, however, conservatives are outraged that someone kills-- or tries to kill-- a cop for “no reason” other than he's a cop. No reason? He's a cop. That's reason enough. Cops don't go to jail in America, so people use other methods. Eye-for-an-eye, ya know?

FLASH TO THEORY: It is an American cliché that business (aka FREE ENTERPRISE) is the way out of poverty. Take Steve Jobs... please. Hipsters blow an internet bubble making themselves rich... THE AMERICAN WAY. Yeah, right. These guys did not start out poor! They had money... education... computers. They did not get rich. They got RICHER.

There are only two ways for poor people... especially poor colored people... to become rich in America: Entertainment-- and its fuck-buddy, Sports: colored folks put on shows for white folks and get paid for it... paid a lot. See a rich Negro and you can bet s/he's in SHOW BIZ!

Liberals and conservatives alike complain about how sportsmen and actors make too much money! “They don't DO anything!” Unlike bankers who shift numbers in computers and steal people's savings, entertainers don't deserve what they get.

Get it? The tip of the glans peeks through the foreskin... see it?

MORE THEORY: A great debate foments among those few Americas smarter than a pig rectum. In the land of the highest prison population in the world-- the debate is about the purpose of prisons. There are three camps in the discussion:

a prison cell in Sweden

It's like a dorm room. A simple bed, bookcase, TV, some internet access. No bars on the windows... open doors... You walk in and out as you please. You could easily mistake a cell in a Swedish prison, for a dorm room at most any college campus.

Some Americans say prisons are to correct criminal behavior. People commit crimes for economic, (lack of) education, psychological, emotional, or political reasons... or simply because it's the only job they know. The purpose of prison is to eliminate those reasons. Supporters of the correctional idea want prisoners to learn skills, socialize, learn how to become integrated non-criminal members of society. In Sweden, where prisoners live better than poor people in the US... former prisoners rarely return to prison when they're released. In fact, the country has been closing prisons because they don't need them.

Despite the name correctional facilities, the U.S. prison system is a system of punishment.

Most U.S. prisoners return to prison soon after being released. The punishment system just doesn't work. Liberals (including me) believe correction is the proper function of prisons.

FLASH TO SAUDI ARABIA: A posse of cops brings a thief into the public square. Crowds jostle each other to get a view. A large table is set in the middle of the square. The cops drag the thief to the table and press hard on his shoulders until he kneels. One cop grabs a hand and stretches it along the wooden surface. Another cop takes a knife... more like a saw. GUILTY OF THEFT IN THE FIRST DEGREE!

AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!

The knife has sawed through the skin... the muscle... the bones... from one side to another. Viewers gasp. Off comes the hand. The man faints from the pain and loss of blood. The public takes iPhone pictures. Let people learn what will happen to them if they steal a loaf of bread... or a diamond broach. Want to eliminate crime? Make it scary to commit crime.

This second group of Americans believes that prisons should be a deterrent. The consequences should be painful and ugly... like the hands-chopped-off-for-stealing justice of Saudi Arabia. They believe the more horrible the prison conditions, the more scared the public and the fewer crimes committed. This may work in Saudi Arabia. It has not worked in the U.S. where prisoners subject to torturous conditions are released only to commit more crimes. They're caught again, subject to more torturous conditions... released again to commit more crimes... you know the story. Most conservatives, however, believe DETERRENT is the proper function of prisons. 

NOTE: The U.S. prison system has an added bonus for conservatives. Prisoners convicted of a felony lose the right to vote... forever. They can never have a say in their own political lives. In relation to the population, a much higher percentage of prisoners are Negroes... so prisons perform the additional function of keeping colored people out of voting booths.

FLASH TO AMERICA: Sammy wrote an internet message... said he was going to move to Syria to fight with ISIS... get him! He deserves punishment for talking to people who want to hurt Americans. Do something awful to him. Cut his balls off. Rioters? Put 'em in jail! Colored thieves and drug users? Lock 'em up! Conservatives love REVENGE

Bernie Madoff! Why that bastard! He took the hard earned money from hundreds of homeowners... and used it to buy a fuckin' Ferrari! Kill the guy! Cut his balls off. He deserves punishment for hurting people. Do something awful to him. Killer Cops? Put 'em in jail! Liberals love REVENGE.

Everybody believes that prisons should be a form of revenge! A biblical eye-for-an-eye. A person who commits a crime should PAY for that crime with some horrible retribution in the form of prison. You hurt me, the government (or society) will hurt you. How angry are liberals when Citibankers get off with NO JAIL TIME! No penalty... only Daddy Citibank paying their fines for them? How angry are conservatives when “welfare cheats” get no jail time... and continue to get enough money to (barely) live, even after their cheating is exposed?

This REVENGE prison is the special province of liberals when it comes to Negroes. It is the only socially (liberal society) acceptable way to be a racist.

FLASH TO LATE LAST CENTURY: What was the trial of the century? Was it Bill Clinton's impeachment trial? Was it the trial of the Chicago 7 after the 1968 Democratic Convention? Was it the Scopes evolution trial? Yeah right.

It was the Las Vegas trial of a Negro celebrity, OJ Simpson, for killing a white lady. And more than that, even though the guy was found INNOCENT... he was hounded and followed and driven until there was SOMETHING he could be jailed for. All those nice liberals, who tsk tsked the killing of an unarmed black guy in Ferguson,or a 12 year old in Cleveland, cheered when the colored football player went to jail.

The battered sports star was only trying to retrieve stolen property. He violated no one... didn't touch a soul... No violence... No one was hurt! Yet he got NINE YEARS in jail!

This is the way NBC news reported OJ's sentencing for armed robbery... really a sentencing for murder... that the blood-thirsty public didn't get earlier:

A weary and beaten-looking O.J. Simpson was put away Friday for at least nine years — and perhaps the rest of his life — for an armed robbery in a hotel room, bringing a measure of satisfaction to those who believed the football star got away with murder more than a decade ago.

Yeah, we had a colored guy... a rich colored guy... an uppity colored guy... who was accused of killing a white... very white... very pretty... girl. In the South a hundred years ago, there would have been a lynching.

In Las Vegas, the lynching was via Judge... but no less a lynching.

But wait, there's more:

Take Bill Cosby... another uppity rich colored guy. I don't know the race of his 57 accusers... my guess is it's a mix... with a lot of white girls. Of course, they smell money... that lawsuit... decades after the “fact”... will pay for a lot of retirement vacations.

In most states, the rape statute of limitations is long over. Only in Pennsylvania could they find a place for their revenge. So they went to Pennsylvania.

And how do my fellow liberals react?

“Go get him! Put him behind bars. Give him the lynching he deserves.”

Bill Clinton used power rather than Benadryl as his agent of seduction. Otherwise it was the same “crime” as Cosby's. Liberals love Clinton... think he got a raw deal in the impeachment. Get it?

Am I saying that anyone who thinks Bill Cosby should go to jail is a racist? Do I believe that those who get a not-so-secret joy from seeing the old man appear before a judge are all racist? Do I really think that O.J. Simpson was persecuted for his race rather than his crimes?

Yes! That's exactly what I think. I'll make it plainer. Bill Cosby and OJ Simpson are the acceptable face of racism. They let liberals express their inner racist without the reproach of fellow liberals.

The “victims” were women. That makes it easy. Since Birth of A Nation, it's been okay to lynch colored people if their victims are women. They're not being lynched for their race, but for their deeds, right? Yeah right.

“We can sympathize with you as long as you stay poor and helpless... just don't get uppity. Don't earn more than you deserve. Don't get rich or stick out. We gotta set some examples... like cutting hands off in public squares.”

You can see the whole crew of liberals... cheering the persecutions of Cosby and Simpson. They'll tell you how much they care. How #blacklivesmatter. Their prostates (if they have them) are as pure and white and painless as freshly fallen snow. Yeah right.

-end-

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

→ Taking Baby from a Candie dept: The Candie Foundation “is a non-profit foundation whose mission is to prevent teenage pregnancy through educational campaigns.” Their abstinence ambassador has been paid over $260,000. That ambassador is Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin. And, oh yeah, Bristol, an unmarried mom since 2008, just had her second child. And, no, she STILL isn't married.

→ Tax cuts... well okay for rich people dept: The Week Magazine reports that Republican lawmakers in Kansas have approved the largest tax increase in the state's history to close a $400 million budget deficit. The deficit was caused by the Republican's income tax cutting. The new taxes raise cigarette, and sales taxes. The new taxes will also cause the state's poorest 20% to pay 1.5% more taxes than they did in 2012. The richest will pay 1.9% less.

-->Great idea dept: Business owners in Gaspe Quebec will accept 10 and 20 dollar bills cut in half. (As 5 and 10 dollars). Since no one else accepts these half bills, the locals can ensure the money stays local and doesn't go into some nasty bank coffers somewhere in New York. The Bank of Canada says the practice is not illegal, but is, somehow, “unpatriotic.”

        I say, “Yeah! Right!”

→ Wet pantslegs dept: The city of San Francisco has begun using a special paint near bars and areas “frequented by the homeless.” The paint is piss-repellant. It splashes the yellow stream back at the streamer, soaking his socks and pants.

The problem? The REAL reason people piss in public! There is no place else to go! Instead of punishing the victim, why not build some bathrooms? Or better still, change the law... make EVERY bar bathroom, a public bathroom.

       Naw, people pissing on themselves is much more fun, right? Yeah, right.

→ Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for censoring me.

      As their revolving editrixes move on to commercial ventures, each blames her predecessors for my demise... as if they had no control over the business... and couldn't simply invite me back.

     Send your comments to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com (or post on their facebook page) with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.

-end-

Mykel Pulls the Ole Switcheroo Mykel's Post MRR Column Number 5

YOU'RE STILL WRONG

POST MRR COLUMNS

POST MRR COLUMN NUMBER 5

by Mykel Board

or Mykel Pulls the Ole Switcheroo

There is another elephant in the room we're not discussing: racism and how it's putting our entire society at risk when it comes to mass shooters. If a black kid was pulling knives on his family and threatening their lives, just how fucking long do you think he'd be allowed to remain free, walking among us until he finally snapped? If a black kid made people as uncomfortable as Adam Lanza did, would he make it to 20 years old and a mass shooting of an elementary school before people FINALLY deemed him dangerous? Black kids can't even listen to loud music in parking lots before they're perceived as threatening, yet somehow white kids like Adam Lanza go their whole lives with excuses being made for them before they finally snap and kill dozens. --Comment on a blog post about the Sandy Hook school killings

It looks like an anus. It's pink and the size of a baby's fist. In French Guiana, they call it a pomme rosa. I don't know what it's called here in Suriname... maybe a Suriname apple. I sit here in Paramaribo, munching on one, deciding that it indeed tastes more like an apple than an anus. Eyes closed, tongue only, I would've guessed anus on the lick, apple at first bite. On the other hand, if I started on the BACK of the fruit, I would only guess apple, without anal influence.

Sometimes, what it takes to understand something is to put in the switch. Take the back for the front, the top for the bottom, the apple for the anus. The same switcheroo works in human relations. You'd get a whole nother understanding, if you substitute black for white. Gay for straight. Old for young. Jew for Goy.

For this column, I focus on race. It's something I've been thinking a lot about recently, and it's all I have room for.

Take gun-control... please. My long-time readers know I oppose gun-control. Background checks are worthless, as most of the notorious (mainly white) school killers have no criminal backgrounds. Most murders committed with non-stolen guns are done by first timers. Background checks-- like permanent sex-offender registrations-- are just another Big Brother invasion that makes it impossible to simply serve your time and be over with it.

I've written before that American violence comes from a culture of violence. A place where standing up for human rights means killing people... where protecting American interests means killing people... where the solution to every international problem means killing people. It's hard to imagine that people in such a society would solve their problems any other way than by killing people. Guns don't kill people. AMERICANS kill people.

That said, there are those who just don't get it. They want to ban semi-automatic weapons. Have background checks. Make it harder to get a gun than to get a car. (Guess which one kills more people.) With ideas as un-American as that, these people don't get very far... but they could. There is a strategy that would have Americans chomping at the cheeseburger for gun-control.

Here's some fuel for the other side: I want to teach them how to promote their point of view. How to achieve gun control quicker than a hundred full-page ads in THE NATION. I'm not afraid to reveal this technique. I have nothing to fear. They never listen to me anyway.

So what is the amazing gun control method? You guessed it, buckaroos. It's the SWITCHEROO-- aka RACE CHANGING.

Here's the plan. A bunch of black guys buy high-powered assault rifles and go out to the hills of Montana... er better make that Tennessee. The uniform is the old Black Panther one. Black beret, red sweatshirt with a clenched fist on the front, and a panther on the back. They practice target shooting with target cutouts of Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin. They do two hundred push-ups... run 20 miles... every day. They develop tight military skill, become an army. They call themselves the Trayvon Militia.

POW! You wanna see how fast there's gun control? Mitch McConnell introduces it the day after the NY POST runs its exposé. The NRA calls for MORE restraints on gun ownership, just like they SUPPORTED gun-control during the Black Panther era. If folks want to bring back that support, all they have to do is bring back the Black Panthers... or something like them. Every Dixiecrat and Tea Partiyer will be hiding under the bandwagon until congress controls those weapons.

SCENARIO TWO: It's a typical day under Michael Bloomberg. In Midtown, the tourists and the businessmen mingle in la-de-dah appreciation of the new New York. New skyscrapers. New bike lanes. New rich people. The only cop to be seen is the smiley-faced woman directing traffic around the new blocks of tar in the middle of the street... closed to cars and renamed PARKS. It's all part of Bloomberg's Greening of New York.

But in Brooklyn, in Brownsville-- called Blacksville by the locals-- things are different. A group of black teens has just been visiting their schoolmates. Friends hanging out in the projects. Get together, listen to music, talk about girls. As they leave the building, they hear, “Alright, freeze.”

They are not afraid. It happens all the time. A cop, shorter than they are, night stick hanging from his belt, speaks the words. The kids know the routine.

“Hands up against the side of the building. Spread your legs. Look straight ahead,” They stand next to each other. Hands against the building. The cop frisks up and down their legs, making sure to press against their balls, then their ass, then front pockets.

“What's this?” asks the cop, feeling around in the front pocket of one of the boys.

“It's my wallet,” says the boy.

“Take it out,” says the cop, “slowly.”

The boy removes the wallet and hands it to the cop. The cop opens it, rifles through the ID section, comes across a couple condoms.

“You use these a lot?” he asks.

“Not as much as I want to,” answers the boy.

The cop doesn't laugh.

It happens... happened dozens of times a day. Called “stop and frisk,” the theory is that if you make it likely that people will be stopped on the street, then they won't carry weapons or drugs. It'll make the streets safer.

Of course, it is unconstitutional. The fourth amendment prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures and requires a warrant supported by “probable cause.” But because these guys are black, the constitution doesn't matter. White folks tell them “it's for your own good,” like a parent excusing the beating of a child. “It makes your neighborhoods safer,” they say. But the people who actually LIVE in those neighborhoods don't think so.

So, what's the cure for Stop and Frisk? Easy. The old switcheroo!

Now we're in Times Square... across Broadway from that stupid billboard-screen that shows live video of people across the street. It's a huge collective selfie. A massive ego display of people wanting to see themselves on video, looking at themselves on video.

A vacationing couple from Japan makes peace signs. They jump up and down pogo-style to locate themselves on the display. They hear, but don't understand, a voice from behind them.

“Hands up against the side of the building. Spread your legs. Look straight ahead,” it says.

The tourists don't understand English, and have no way of knowing the cop is talking to them. They continue jumping and snapping pix.... until they're tackled. Somewhere there's a scream. The man's head hits the ground. He lies now with shattered glasses.

“I said up against the side of the building,” shouts the cop.

The couple struggles upwards. The cop pushes them against the building, grabbing wrists and ankles to position them correctly. When frisking the man, the uniformed one pushes his hand hard between his legs. The crowd, now gathered around the pair, gasps as the man doubles over in pain. The cop forcibly straightens him up.

After the frisk and some passport showing, the cop walks away. He meets up with another officer further down the street.

“I always look for the Japanese,” he tells the co-cop. “Remember that sneak attack in Pearl Harbor... you can never tell.”

Meanwhile in Wall Street, cops push stock brokers and bankers against the wall, examining pockets and suit jacket linings for smuggled insider trading information.

“You can never tell,” says Mayor Bloomberg when challenged. “Those stockbrokers and bankers caused a lot more pain than any mugger. We gotta keep 'em under control. Make 'em afraid.”

The Japanese government protests. There is a sit-in on Wall Street. The brokerage companies occupy themselves. In a week, Stop and Frisk is stopped. For everyone.

SCENARIO THREE: Okay, you've heard about the Knockout Game® Origins unknown, it came to prominence here in New York when a slew of Hasidic Jews... including woman and children as young as 12... were attacked. The story goes that the motive is a game... a kind of contest among young black guys. See who can knock out the Jew with one blow. Pow, s/he's down. You hit twice, you lose. So here's the switch:

An older colored lady, grandmotherly, walks with a cane down the streets of Crown Heights... the borderline district. She's alone on a Monday night. Slowly, she goes forward on the sidewalk. Cane-tap, step, step. Cane-tap, step, step. A big SUV rounds the corner... the windows dark. It passes her and turns right at the next corner. Cane-tap, step, step. Cane-tap, step, step. The woman begins to feel uncomfortable. She pulls closer to the buildings, just hugging the porches as she walks from one to the other in her slow march home. Cane-tap, step, step. Cane-tap, step, step. The street is silent except for the low hum of an approaching car. It's the same car... the same SUV that passed her before.

This time it stops. The side door opens. Eight or nine young men get out. They're white men, wearing long black coats, curly sideburns, and yarmulkes.

“My turn! My turn!” yells a particularly large young man, as he approaches the woman. In the young man's grin, the woman sees the space of a missing tooth. It's the last thing she sees before the approaching knuckles rip into her face, sending her reeling to the ground. She loses consciousness and smashes her head on the sidewalk before she can hear the joyful yells of “I DID IT! I DID IT!” She dies on the way to the hospital.

Al Sharpton, who's already criticized the black-on-Jew version of the Knockout Game®, is up again. “This has got to stop!” he says. This time, Rabbis and Black Ministers agree. There are marches in Jewish and Black neighborhoods. Huge posters appear with KNOCK IS SHLOCK on them. Mayor De Blasio's Afro-ed son is photographed tongue-kissing a rabbi's son. We are the World re-enters the Top 40, and The Game is over.

[NOTE: These days, I can't write fast enough to outrun reality. As I type these words, an email appears from Social Reader. It reports on an alleged attack by Hassidic Jews on a solo gay black youth. From the report it isn't clear whether this is a case of “reverse knockout” or your run-of-the-mill gay bashing-- or even a complete fraud. Who can tell in these days of charges and counter-charges thrown at the speed of Twitter? So for now, my solution is only a fantasy. We'll have to wait for larger numbers before we see if it works.]

ENDNOTES: [You can contact email me at god@mykelboard.com. Postal contact (send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else-- legal only) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003 If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Just join the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

--> Crossover dept: I'm (too slowly) writing a travel blog of my last trip. But I did want to mention that bands who want to tour in South America might start in the Guyanas. A promoter contact in Suriname is Jerry Orie, PINNACLE GROUP, Commissaris Weythingweg 142b Paramaribo SURINAME (+597) 462-830 jeroie@hotmail.com Jerry is a great guy, and if he can find a spot for you, he will. His tastes run to the metal side of punk, but he's open-minded to everything except shit.

--> Pat Buchanan gets it right dept: Over at Antiwar.com, arch villain, Pat Buchanan, absolutely nails it with his analysis of Al Qaeda and America at war. Like Ron Paul, this guy who's awful at domestic policy-- the epitome of the worst of paddle your own canoe-ism-- is right about foreign policy. Here's a sample quote: Is it not time to put al-Qaeda in perspective and consider whether our Mideast policy is creating more terrorists than we are killing?

In 2010 America lost 15 citizens to terrorism. Thirteen of them died in Afghanistan. The worst attack was the killing of six Americans at a Christian medical mission in Badakhshan Province.
Yet, in 2010, not one death here in America resulted from terrorism. That year, however, 780,000 Americas died of heart disease, 575,000 of cancer, 138,000 from respiratory diseases, 120,000 in accidents (35,000 in auto accidents), 69,000 from diabetes, 40,000 in drug-induced deaths, 38,000 by suicide, 32,000 by liver disease, 25,000 in alcohol-induced deaths, 16,000 by homicide and 8,000 from HIV/AIDS.

Is terrorism the killer we should fear most and invest the lion’s share of our resources fighting?

--> Blowing my own department: I think I posted this before, but I'm too lazy to double check. Early in 2013, I guested on Blag Dahlia's radio show RADIO LIKE YOU WANT You can hear the interview here.

--> Internet boiling dept: As I write this, America seems embroiled in such sensitivity overkill, that anyone of any notice is virtually gagged. The latest is some actor in Duck Dynasty. It's a show I've never seen (I don't have cable), and am not particularly interested in. Evidently, the show's star gave an interview to GQ magazine... on his own time. In the interview, he gave non-liberal views of gay life and race relations. POW! He's fired... only for saying what he thinks. The guy loses his job for speaking... off the job.

This kind of firing/banning-- he's the latest, but there've also been Howard Stern, Imus, and a ton of others-- reminds me of the McCarthy era studio blacklisting of lefty actors . Neither case was government censorship. Both were just as effective. My pal, Jim Goad, wrote about it. It's a good read, though he doesn't mention McCarthy. Maybe this switcheroo didn't work. Too much time in between and one side forgets about the other.

UPDATE: OH NO!! Again, before the ones and zeros are dry on the screen, A&E reinstates the Duck guy making me agree with a critic who thinks the whole thing was a publicity stunt from the get-go. 

--> Keeping the pressure on: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a Bring Mykel Back concerted effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll. He forwarded me an answer to a letter MRR printed where the editors excuse my firing not as censorship for content, but because I “refused to answer letters in the letters section.”

That is wrong. I only asked that I be allowed to say I don't LIKE to answer letters there. I feel it's unfair to the letter-writer for the columnist to always get the last word. If they want me to answer there, I will. SO, here I'm publicly agreeing to abide by their rules. Here it is in ones and zeros. Their reason for my being censored disappears.

I hope you'll cut and paste the paragraph above into an email, and send it-- along with your comments-- to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com with the subject line: BRING MYKEL BACK. Let me know how they answer.

-end-