So this English teacher walks into a bar. “Give me an Anchor Christmas ale,” he says to the bartender.
“We don't got no Anchor Christmas,” says the bartender.
“Then you have some,” corrects the teacher. “Two negatives make a positive.”
“So two positives make a negative?” asks the bartender.
“No,” says the English teacher, “two positives do not make a negative.”
“Yeah right,” says the bartender.
Post MRR Column no 29
by Mykel Board
My prostate is killing me. It's like at the gym. You work a muscle too much... the next day: You pay in pain. You know those machines where you spread your legs against some weights to strengthen your outside thigh muscles? Then, on another machine, you press your legs together to strengthen your inside thigh muscles.
I figured I'd be much better at spreading my legs than keeping them together... like in real life. But in real GYM life, I can take more weight on the inside. What a surprise! Post-exercize, though, the inside hurts more.
My recent prostate exercise... now causing me pain... resulted from exactly the right combination of search terms in the xvideos search box: “18” “ethnic” “orgy.” BOING! Bring on the pain.
After I mop up, I flip from the PRIVATE internet window to CNN. BANG! Yet another cop-goes-free case... no charges. A 12-year old boy... just a kid... shot to death... without warning... for playing with a toy gun. #blacklivesmatter Yeah, right.
Predictably, liberals are outraged. Conservatives say “It looks like a real gun and anyway ALL LIVES MATTER.” Cleveland stays calm. Unlike in Baltimore and Ferguson, there is no price to pay for killing someone black... at least not in Cleveland.
In Texas, however, conservatives are outraged that someone kills-- or tries to kill-- a cop for “no reason” other than he's a cop. No reason? He's a cop. That's reason enough. Cops don't go to jail in America, so people use other methods. Eye-for-an-eye, ya know?
FLASH TO THEORY: It is an American cliché that business (aka FREE ENTERPRISE) is the way out of poverty. Take Steve Jobs... please. Hipsters blow an internet bubble making themselves rich... THE AMERICAN WAY. Yeah, right. These guys did not start out poor! They had money... education... computers. They did not get rich. They got RICHER.
There are only two ways for poor people... especially poor colored people... to become rich in America: Entertainment-- and its fuck-buddy, Sports: colored folks put on shows for white folks and get paid for it... paid a lot. See a rich Negro and you can bet s/he's in SHOW BIZ!
Liberals and conservatives alike complain about how sportsmen and actors make too much money! “They don't DO anything!” Unlike bankers who shift numbers in computers and steal people's savings, entertainers don't deserve what they get.
Get it? The tip of the glans peeks through the foreskin... see it?
MORE THEORY: A great debate foments among those few Americas smarter than a pig rectum. In the land of the highest prison population in the world-- the debate is about the purpose of prisons. There are three camps in the discussion:
|a prison cell in Sweden|
It's like a dorm room. A simple bed, bookcase, TV, some internet access. No bars on the windows... open doors... You walk in and out as you please. You could easily mistake a cell in a Swedish prison, for a dorm room at most any college campus.
Some Americans say prisons are to correct criminal behavior. People commit crimes for economic, (lack of) education, psychological, emotional, or political reasons... or simply because it's the only job they know. The purpose of prison is to eliminate those reasons. Supporters of the correctional idea want prisoners to learn skills, socialize, learn how to become integrated non-criminal members of society. In Sweden, where prisoners live better than poor people in the US... former prisoners rarely return to prison when they're released. In fact, the country has been closing prisons because they don't need them.
Despite the name correctional facilities, the U.S. prison system is a system of punishment.
Most U.S. prisoners return to prison soon after being released. The punishment system just doesn't work. Liberals (including me) believe correction is the proper function of prisons.
FLASH TO SAUDI ARABIA: A posse of cops brings a thief into the public square. Crowds jostle each other to get a view. A large table is set in the middle of the square. The cops drag the thief to the table and press hard on his shoulders until he kneels. One cop grabs a hand and stretches it along the wooden surface. Another cop takes a knife... more like a saw. GUILTY OF THEFT IN THE FIRST DEGREE!
The knife has sawed through the skin... the muscle... the bones... from one side to another. Viewers gasp. Off comes the hand. The man faints from the pain and loss of blood. The public takes iPhone pictures. Let people learn what will happen to them if they steal a loaf of bread... or a diamond broach. Want to eliminate crime? Make it scary to commit crime.
This second group of Americans believes that prisons should be a deterrent. The consequences should be painful and ugly... like the hands-chopped-off-for-stealing justice of Saudi Arabia. They believe the more horrible the prison conditions, the more scared the public and the fewer crimes committed. This may work in Saudi Arabia. It has not worked in the U.S. where prisoners subject to torturous conditions are released only to commit more crimes. They're caught again, subject to more torturous conditions... released again to commit more crimes... you know the story. Most conservatives, however, believe DETERRENT is the proper function of prisons.
NOTE: The U.S. prison system has an added bonus for conservatives. Prisoners convicted of a felony lose the right to vote... forever. They can never have a say in their own political lives. In relation to the population, a much higher percentage of prisoners are Negroes... so prisons perform the additional function of keeping colored people out of voting booths.
FLASH TO AMERICA: Sammy wrote an internet message... said he was going to move to Syria to fight with ISIS... get him! He deserves punishment for talking to people who want to hurt Americans. Do something awful to him. Cut his balls off. Rioters? Put 'em in jail! Colored thieves and drug users? Lock 'em up! Conservatives love REVENGE
Bernie Madoff! Why that bastard! He took the hard earned money from hundreds of homeowners... and used it to buy a fuckin' Ferrari! Kill the guy! Cut his balls off. He deserves punishment for hurting people. Do something awful to him. Killer Cops? Put 'em in jail! Liberals love REVENGE.
Everybody believes that prisons should be a form of revenge! A biblical eye-for-an-eye. A person who commits a crime should PAY for that crime with some horrible retribution in the form of prison. You hurt me, the government (or society) will hurt you. How angry are liberals when Citibankers get off with NO JAIL TIME! No penalty... only Daddy Citibank paying their fines for them? How angry are conservatives when “welfare cheats” get no jail time... and continue to get enough money to (barely) live, even after their cheating is exposed?
This REVENGE prison is the special province of liberals when it comes to Negroes. It is the only socially (liberal society) acceptable way to be a racist.
FLASH TO LATE LAST CENTURY: What was the trial of the century? Was it Bill Clinton's impeachment trial? Was it the trial of the Chicago 7 after the 1968 Democratic Convention? Was it the Scopes evolution trial? Yeah right.
It was the Las Vegas trial of a Negro celebrity, OJ Simpson, for killing a white lady. And more than that, even though the guy was found INNOCENT... he was hounded and followed and driven until there was SOMETHING he could be jailed for. All those nice liberals, who tsk tsked the killing of an unarmed black guy in Ferguson,or a 12 year old in Cleveland, cheered when the colored football player went to jail.
The battered sports star was only trying to retrieve stolen property. He violated no one... didn't touch a soul... No violence... No one was hurt! Yet he got NINE YEARS in jail!
This is the way NBC news reported OJ's sentencing for armed robbery... really a sentencing for murder... that the blood-thirsty public didn't get earlier:
A weary and beaten-looking O.J. Simpson was put away Friday for at least nine years — and perhaps the rest of his life — for an armed robbery in a hotel room, bringing a measure of satisfaction to those who believed the football star got away with murder more than a decade ago.
Yeah, we had a colored guy... a rich colored guy... an uppity colored guy... who was accused of killing a white... very white... very pretty... girl. In the South a hundred years ago, there would have been a lynching.
In Las Vegas, the lynching was via Judge... but no less a lynching.
But wait, there's more:
Take Bill Cosby... another uppity rich colored guy. I don't know the race of his 57 accusers... my guess is it's a mix... with a lot of white girls. Of course, they smell money... that lawsuit... decades after the “fact”... will pay for a lot of retirement vacations.
In most states, the rape statute of limitations is long over. Only in Pennsylvania could they find a place for their revenge. So they went to Pennsylvania.
And how do my fellow liberals react?
“Go get him! Put him behind bars. Give him the lynching he deserves.”
Bill Clinton used power rather than Benadryl as his agent of seduction. Otherwise it was the same “crime” as Cosby's. Liberals love Clinton... think he got a raw deal in the impeachment. Get it?
Am I saying that anyone who thinks Bill Cosby should go to jail is a racist? Do I believe that those who get a not-so-secret joy from seeing the old man appear before a judge are all racist? Do I really think that O.J. Simpson was persecuted for his race rather than his crimes?
Yes! That's exactly what I think. I'll make it plainer. Bill Cosby and OJ Simpson are the acceptable face of racism. They let liberals express their inner racist without the reproach of fellow liberals.
The “victims” were women. That makes it easy. Since Birth of A Nation, it's been okay to lynch colored people if their victims are women. They're not being lynched for their race, but for their deeds, right? Yeah right.
“We can sympathize with you as long as you stay poor and helpless... just don't get uppity. Don't earn more than you deserve. Don't get rich or stick out. We gotta set some examples... like cutting hands off in public squares.”
You can see the whole crew of liberals... cheering the persecutions of Cosby and Simpson. They'll tell you how much they care. How #blacklivesmatter. Their prostates (if they have them) are as pure and white and painless as freshly fallen snow. Yeah right.
ENDNOTES: [You can contact me by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group email@example.com]
→ Taking Baby from a Candie dept: The Candie Foundation “is a non-profit foundation whose mission is to prevent teenage pregnancy through educational campaigns.” Their abstinence ambassador has been paid over $260,000. That ambassador is Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin. And, oh yeah, Bristol, an unmarried mom since 2008, just had her second child. And, no, she STILL isn't married.
→ Tax cuts... well okay for rich people dept: The Week Magazine reports that Republican lawmakers in Kansas have approved the largest tax increase in the state's history to close a $400 million budget deficit. The deficit was caused by the Republican's income tax cutting. The new taxes raise cigarette, and sales taxes. The new taxes will also cause the state's poorest 20% to pay 1.5% more taxes than they did in 2012. The richest will pay 1.9% less.
-->Great idea dept: Business owners in Gaspe Quebec will accept 10 and 20 dollar bills cut in half. (As 5 and 10 dollars). Since no one else accepts these half bills, the locals can ensure the money stays local and doesn't go into some nasty bank coffers somewhere in New York. The Bank of Canada says the practice is not illegal, but is, somehow, “unpatriotic.”
I say, “Yeah! Right!”
→ Wet pantslegs dept: The city of San Francisco has begun using a special paint near bars and areas “frequented by the homeless.” The paint is piss-repellant. It splashes the yellow stream back at the streamer, soaking his socks and pants.
The problem? The REAL reason people piss in public! There is no place else to go! Instead of punishing the victim, why not build some bathrooms? Or better still, change the law... make EVERY bar bathroom, a public bathroom.
Naw, people pissing on themselves is much more fun, right? Yeah, right.
→ Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for censoring me.
As their revolving editrixes move on to commercial ventures, each blames her predecessors for my demise... as if they had no control over the business... and couldn't simply invite me back.
Send your comments to firstname.lastname@example.org (or post on their facebook page) with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.