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An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
MYKEL'S COLUMN FOR MRR #293
"How can any piece of art claim to have cutting edge integrity unless it features at least one act of anal intercourse?” --John Fardell
I don't know who John Fardell is, or where I picked up the quote. But the guy's right in a bigger way than he guessed. It's not only art, but life, that one way or another involves getting it in the rear.
This month, I want to write about two topics: normalcy and, the theme of this issue: immigration. Can I relate both these to anal intercourse? Of course I can. I can relate anything to anal intercourse. Bend over and I'll show you how.
PART ONE: So I'm watching New York 1 to see what the weather's gonna be. They have the world's least accurate forecast. But it's on every ten minutes. And they usually get it right when talking about conditions outside right now.
While I wait, they run a feature called On Stage. It's a review show. Newspaper and magazine writers discuss Broadway and its stars. It's Tony award time. They're discussing which plays are going to win. Which actors will clutch the golden statue, while thanking people nobody's ever heard of.
I can't afford to go to Broadway, so I don't have a clue what they're talking about anyway. The show's a buzz in the background while I struggle to lace up my army boots.
“My boyfriend saw that play,” says one of the writers. “He was just not moved.”
Huh? He said that on TV? My boyfriend? I mean the guy is as fem as a pink sweater, but to actually say it??? Speaking of anal intercourse!! Yowsah! That takes more balls than a glass box at Chucky Cheese!
This is great. I'm thinking. It's gonna make waves. A regular network guy. Time-Warner. And he says my boyfriend! Hooey! Give that guy ten points.
Without waiting for the weather report, I run to the subway, anxious to spread the news. I get into work, breathless. I gotta tell my fellow English teachers what the guy said.
“He said my boyfriend,” I say. “On TV! On like the real news. You know, what everybody watches? This is gonna be big. An explosion. Like the World Trade Center. Like Janet Jackson's tit.”
“Oh please,” comes the voice from Martin, a homo himself. I figure he'd love the info. I figure wrong.
“He's theater. Of course he's gay. No one will care.”
“But, on TV???” I beg.
“Mykel,” says May. (Teaching's her day job. Her real job's a stage actress. She watches this stuff all the time.) “I can't believe you're shocked. It's just so... so... normal.”
“Aaargh,” I scream, hiding my face in my hands. “Don't tell me that. Please don't tell me that!”
Flash ahead: The next week. I'm on the subway, reading an interesting article in BNI, a great porno review zine I occasionally write for.
I'm up to 1998 in my unread zine pile. It's the Clinton scandal era. Always good for some cigar and Lewinsky jokes. In this issue, David Steinberg writes about how Mike Wallace is asking Clinton associates about a remark. He quotes a Newsweek report that has Clinton saying to an aid, “Let's talk pussy.”
Steinberg reports that Wallace seems fascinated by the word pussy. More than the word, he's fascinated by his ability to use it on TV. To have a context for it. Out in the open. The famous newsman uses it at every opportunity, like a little boy who just learned the word FUCK.
Although the word is bleeped each time, it's obviously pussy.
“It was amazing,” says David. “The joy he showed in repeating that word.”
I think back to that Broadway critic on TV. My boyfriend. He said. Joyless. Casual. The thrill gone. Ah, it's sad.
America has all the freedom of an Islamic Republic... maybe one step up. They can't have alcohol. We need ID to buy it-- and have the highest legal drinking age in the world. They have Allah in their daily life. We have God in the Pledge of Allegiance. Their government and religious extremists censor TV news. Our government, religious extremists and advertisers censor our TV news.
In America, the morality cops are on duty 24 hours a day. If George Bush doesn't get you, then Al Sharpton will.
When I was in Australia, I did half a dozen radio interviews. I said shit, fuck, piss, and she pulled the hair from my balls with her teeth. No one blinked a labia. I was like Mike Wallace with my new found joy... until I realized it didn't matter. In Australia, no one cares.
What does it mean? Glad you asked. There are two things here: danger and an opportunity.
The danger is that the odd and challenging will become commonplace. Homos have destroyed their power to shock by dressing up in white shirts and ties and predicting Tony award winners. Is it any wonder they want to get married?
“Oh please, we're just like everybody else,” they say. “Faithful, conservative, hard-working, Republican.”
Why bother being a homo if you're gonna be just like everybody else? The strange has become normal. And homos will continue to become just another market segment, another tax deduction.
The opportunity? There's still enough pussy to get bleeped on the air. There's still Al Sharpton saying get the bitch and the hoe out of hiphop. In a country as Muslim as this one, we can use this conservatism to shock.
My fantasy is to call up Rush Limbaugh or another of those idiots who proclaim how terrorists hate us because of our freedom.
“You want to see how free we are?” I'll shout in the phone. “FUCK! Did you hear that word? Was that broadcast to all your listeners? Your broadcast has a ten second censor delay. That's how free we are. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck a nappy-headed hoe! Did you get that out there in radioland? How much of that got to your radio speaker? That's how fuckin' free we are.”
PART TWO: Okay, so I'm supposed to write about immigration. I will. But first I'll confess, I don't get it. I mean, why anyone would want to immigrate to this hellhole is beyond me. No healthcare. 24 hours surveillance, ID checks to get into a bar. You can't see a breast on TV. Immigrate? How come? With all the countries in the world, why come to a pukepot like this one?
Step off the boat... get fingerprinted, eye-scanned and fucked. It's not the type of anal sex I'd move halfway around the world for. America is xenophobic, sex negative, totalitarian, jingoistic. Why the fuck would you want to live here?
Of course, America is not the only place people are moving to. My London pals tell me that when asking directions on the street, you first have to ask Do you speak English?
Much of the world is moving to Europe, Japan, and other formerly-called “First World” countries. They're filling up with new immigrants. Old residents complain. Elect right-wingers who promise to DO something about the “problem.”
The first world is responsible for the problems third worlders are immigrating to get away from. The Europeans planted the poison ivy and now they're going to itch. Serves 'em right. But I'm an American, so I want to talk about things here.
According to the instant research conducted on my behalf by the Google company, the number one reason for immigration to the U.S. is economic opportunity. That means the right to work a 60 hour week, with no health benefits, for $5.25 an hour... or worse.
Well, since most immigrants are uneducated, unable to get a job in their home countries, and with no connections to anywhere else in the world, it makes sense.
American companies like Wal-Mart and Nike pay $1.49 a day to workers in China. Of course those Chinese workers want to come here to earn $5.25 an hour. What an increase! Yeah! They have to live 6 to a one-room apartment. But, they can make a fortune. Put $10 in the bank. Wowee!
American companies keep wages low in other countries. They dictate working conditions, and pay off government officials to prevent improvement.
In some countries, the U.S. has so skewed the economy, that it has doubled or tripled the poverty. African countries, for example, have land with good enough soil to feed the entire population. But the U.S. buys coffee, or rubber... and that's what they plant. No rice. No carrots. Nothing of any use to the locals. The farmers get a pittance. The local population goes hungry-- no beats or potatoes for them. Uniroyal needs its rubber.
These conditions are so awful that people have to leave. They move to where working conditions are only very bad... not awful. A big improvement.
Like in Europe-- only more so, the U.S. creates the conditions people flee from. Where do they flee? You guessed it, to the U.S.
It wasn't always this way. Who knows why that first wave of immigrants, the Mongols, came to this land? I guess they just wanted to see what was far away. That was 5000 years ago.
The Europeans, 4500 years after them, came for political freedom, or the right to religiously persecute people who didn't agree with them.
After the first wave, came others. For reasons from being kidnapped and sold into slavery to escaping a potato famine. Wave after wave they came... the poorest, the lowest level of each society. Wanting something here they couldn't get at home.
Every few years, the old immigrant groups get scared of the new immigrants. Each group begins to think of itself as normal/native. The others are “outsiders.”
Like homos, who've moved from THEM to US (Can you believe there are homo groups against intergenerational sex, prostitution, S&M and other sexual minorities?), each immigrant group calls for bans on the following ones.
That same year, Congress expands its list of “unacceptable immigrants.” These include “beggars, contract laborers, the insane, and unaccompanied minors.” Already excluded: “criminals and prostitutes.”
A 1917 law requires adult immigrants to show they can read and write. It's the first of many to bring a classier breed of immigrants to the country. The law also excludes people from most of Asia and the Pacific Islands. Not classy enough, I guess.
In 1921, Congress sets a ceiling on the number of people allowed to enter America. This quota limits immigrants from any one country to 3 percent of those of that nationality living the United States in 1910.
The Immigration Act of 1924 limits the number of immigrants from outside the Western Hemisphere to about 154,000 a year. The distribution is again based on percentages of nationalities making up the current population. That formula insures that 90% of the new immigrants will be from northern and western Europe.
It's 2007 and idiots in Washington once more want to put the breaks on immigration. Slow it down to a few nuclear scientists, terrorist experts, and pharmaceutical engineers. The Democratic supported (shame on you Teddy Kennedy) and fortunately defeated, bill would have set up a points system for immigrants. Not based on country, but on “expertise.”
If you know about computers, or you have a college degree. You get points. As if George Washington, the Chinese coolies who built the railroads, or the Irish immigrants who worked the shipyards had college degrees.
Wake up assholes! America is a place where you develop points, not where you bring them with you. Immigrants are supposed to be from the bottom. They're supposed to be the ones who can't read or write. They're supposed to be the exploited, the lowest rungs on the ladder. That's why they're here. We shouldn't fuck 'em up the ass.
On second thought, maybe those Congressional representatives are right after all. They're looking for special immigrant qualities to improve America, not cheapen it. Okay. I propose a point system already created: the original one. Emma Lazarus made it poetry. It's pasted on the Statue of Liberty. I've just added the points:
Give me your tired: 10 points
Your poor: 10 points
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free: 20 points
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore: 20 points
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost: 20 points
to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
That point system has served America well for 200 years. Let's keep it.
-->Get dirty be happy dept: Bottom Line Health reports that mycobacterium vaccae, a bacterium that lives in DIRT, may increase brain levels of serotonin. That's the brain chemical that causes happiness and a general feeling of well-being.
No wonder Congress is so grumpy about immigrants. They're too clean! I say give 'em some more dirt!
-->If you can't beat 'em, use 'em dept: The website MightyBids.com is a free-to-list Auction site created by two guys who were annoyed with eBay's listing fees.
Now, AP reports that the creators are tired of maintaining the site and want to sell it. Where are they listing the site for sale? You guessed it: eBay.
-->What's wrong with this story dept: In a small article in my local paper an AP reporter writes "police in Ontario, Canada are looking for a man who approached women and asked them to kick him in the groin." According the the report, this happened three times with three different women. Police Sgt. Cate Welsh said "the man's request is not a crime." So what's wrong?
You got it. If the man's request is not a crime, then why are police looking for him?
-->Let's see 'em make this mainstream dept: I'm not sure if it was Ted who sent it to me. I found it in an old file on my computer: http://www.richsalter.btinternet.co.uk/cks2/index.html is the link. It's for “Shooting Clay Kittens.” They bounce and make a lot of blood!
-->Test of faith dept: I love it when Christians' belief in God is so great they go all out for it... and it kills 'em.
In August 2006, in Libreville, Gabon, a 35-year old pastor insisted he could walk on water. He only needed to have the faith.
So the pastor set out to walk across a major estuary, the path of a 20-minute ferry ride. The man could not swim. He drowned and was posthumously given the Darwin Award.
For those who are unfamiliar with these, the Darwins are named after the discoverer of evolution and are given to those who help keep the gene pool chlorinated, by eliminating their own stupid selves.
-->Don't click that link dept: PC Magazine reports that Google has fixed its Sponsored Links with a special cookie. If you click on one of those links, the cookie rests in your computer and follows you from site to site. Forever.
Say you're looking for KY Jelly. Google will show you some responses. You click on a sponsor, a cookie goes on to your computer. Now you check out HillaryClinton.com. That cookie is still in your computer, and the odds are you'll see KY ads on her site as well as on moralmajority.com and redsoxsuck.org.
Yep, you'll carry around your KY search until mom asks you about it in the morning.
Late note: Due to recent exposure of this plot, Google has promised to remove the cookies... after 2 years... provided you don't use Google again in the meantime. Each time you use the site, they renew the cookie. Now that's an improvement! Yeah, right.