Mykel's
Post
MRR Column no 32
Why
is it socially acceptable - as a form of entertainment - for men to
put on dresses, make up and high heels and act out every offensive
stereotype of women (bitchy, catty, dumb, slutty, etc.) -- but it is
not socially acceptable -- as a form of entertainment - for a white
person to put on blackface and act out offensive stereotypes of
African Americans? --Mary
Cheney, lesbian daughter of former Vice President Dick Cheney.
The
End of Homosexuality As We Know It
by
Mykel Board
It
was a new LOH point... Late Onset Hangover... you know: you wake up.
Everything's hunky
dory...
you la-dee-da through morning coffee, jerk off to old videos of
yourself with the
one who didn't get away,
then POW! Headache... a feeling in your stomach like a greasy pork
chop... every cough turns into a multicolored splotch on your
sheets... Yesterday's dinner... dripping through your nose...
gagging... groaning. You just know a neighbor is going to be pounding
on the door... “Are you alright?”
Fuck!
I promised myself I'd go to the gym today. I'm old. If I don't dance
on some treadmill, I'll get a heart attack. If I don't pump some
cables and chains, I'll get waddles. Ok, one last trip to the
porcelain goddess. Then I go! It'll feel so good. Yeah, right.
I
stumble into the locker room and head for a corner... a little cranny
far from the main lockerfolks. I'm in no condition to put up with the
sideways glances and smug chuckles that usually accompany my
undressing. When I have my pants down to my knees, I notice someone
standing just two lockers down. A chisel chinned young man with a
smooth-- yet six-packless-- abdomen. Trying to keep my eyes front, I
fail. Jeezus, this guy is smaller than me. His rutabaga doesn't even
make it out of the pubes. Nothing.....
Then
I see it. The crack, the folded skin, the elongated Y. Yes! This guy
has a TWAT! You heard that right: a cunt, a pussy. Yes, I'm talking a
hairy taco, a snatch, a beaver, a muff.
Here,
in the men's locker room. Next to me. I'm talking a slit, a box, a
pud. I'm talking the first results of a citywide law prohibiting
discrimination on “gender identification.” Hoooey!
FLASH
TO THEORY: America is a homosexual society. Not the most homosexual
of societies, but a lot homo-er than many. In Finland, for example,
you're invited to the home of a casual acquaintance... WOMP! There
you are, naked with the whole family... in the sauna... beating your
new friend's naked parents with birch branches. Dangly parts shaking
to each thwack.
“Have
a drink?” asks your hostess, her pert breasts, breast-like in the
soft sauna light.
In
Finnish, they use the same pronoun, Hän,
for both sexes.
Talk about gender equality! Maybe it's related to Sauna culture...
the ease of nudity. (Interestingly enough, in Japan, they hardly ever
use pronouns at all-- Just the verb, thank you. And, until the
Americans forced a separation after WWII, the Japanese traditionally
bathed gender mixed in outdoor hot springs.)
In
America, we have separate pronouns for men and women... and separate
restrooms. At gyms, at public pools, in schools, we have different
locker rooms: MEN and WOMEN each sex homo-ed with itself.
Go
to a bowling alley, a bar, a football game... you see homotude up the
wazoo. Boys’
night out or the girls just getting together. Guys hanging with each
other, har-har-ing at talk about girls, but not actually mixing with
girls. Girls chat or engage in screamfests-- with each other-- a
homosexual world. The only time people spend in each other's company
is either some part of the mating ritual... or the actual mating
itself. Otherwise, it's homo, homo, homo.
Wait
a minute, Mykel!
Who
the fuck are you? And why are you using that font? You think you're
God or something?
Stop
playing games, Mykel. You know me. I AM God.
God?
What the fuck are you doing in my column? Can't you leave me alone
for once?
Mykel,
Mykel, Mykel. I'm am GOD! Remember? I don't leave anyone alone.
I
concede.
“Okay,”
I say. “What do you want this time?”
I'm
just butting in to remind you. You're forgetting someone... some ones
actually.
“What
are you talking about?” I ask.
Gay
men, says
God, I'm
talking about gay men. Their best friends are girls. They go shopping
with girls. They talk about cooking with girls. They hang out with
girls. The only time they hang out with guys is in the mating
ritual... or in the actual mating itself.
“Hey,”
I say, “you're stealing my lines.”
God
laughs... a terrifyingly awful... dare I say satanic...
laugh.
But
when God's right, God's right.
“When
you're right, you're right,” I say. “The only people in American
who are not homosexual are gay men.”
But
the trannie laws could change all that. They could destroy homosexual
society as we know it.
FLASH
TO THE CARMINE ST. PUBLIC POOL, WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM 2016: Little
Ashley Goldstein is there for the first time. Her mom, Bethany, took
a floor tier locker so she could be right next to her daughter.
Ashley, ever the curious kindergartner,
can't take her eyes off all the naked people.
“Mommy,”
she asks, pointing, “when I grow up will I have hair down there
like that lady?”
“Shhhhh,”
says Bethany, grabbing her daughter's finger, and curling it from a
point to a fist. “It isn't polite to point.”
“But
will I mommy... will I?”
“Keep
your voice down,” says Bethany. “You'll embarrass people... And
yes, you'll have hair down there too.”
“And
will I have big breasts, like that woman?” asks little Ashley...
again pointing.
“Don't
point!” says Mom. “And it's different for every girl, but you
will develop. We talked about that. That's what happens to girls.
When you get to the right age we'll talk about it some more.”
“And
will I have those round, hanging things... and a floppy?” ask
Ashley. “Like that lady?”
Bethany
looks up, startled. A scream catches in her throat.
“That's
a man,” she whispers.
No
it's not and... Welcome to 2016!
What's
a man
anyway?
Who decides?
I say, it's like buying a car.
“I
only buy Ford products,” you say. “I buy American.”
“Stuff
your Mexican-made Ford up your chocolate starfish,” I reply. “My
Honda comes from Alabama.”
An
American Car
has no meaning-- no relationship to its place of origin or the
nationality of those who put on its fenders. An American Car is
anything it wants to be.
The
word MAN will lose itself the same way. No relation to the glands
between your legs or the glans that
covers
them. WOMAN
will be a label pasted on whoever wants to wear it. Why have Men's or
Women's locker rooms? Why enforce homosexuality in a world that's
quickly losing it?
FLASH
TO A LOCKER ROOM 2025. In 2025, there's only ONE locker room-- for
everybody.
Same
scenario up to:
“And will I have big breasts, like that
woman?” asks little Ashley... again pointing.
“Don't
point!” says Mom. “And it's different for every girl, but you
will develop.... We talked about that. That's what happens to girls.
When you get to the right age we'll talk about it some more.”
“And
will I have those round, hanging things... and a floppy?” ask
Ashley. “Like that lady?”
“It's
up to you,” says Mom. “If you're grown up and decide you want
them... you can have them. Some girls do and some girls don't.”
“How
will I know?” asks Ashley.
“You'll
know,” explains Mom. “When it's time, you'll know.”
Get
it? It'll be the end of homosexuality. No more men's or lady's
restrooms. No more men's or lady's locker rooms. At the beach,
toplessness...
for everybody. Who knows? Maybe the whole shebang... for everyone!
People
will chose their friends, social partners and their sex partners on
types, characteristics, personality, hair color. Homosexuality will
disappear because homo
will disappear. Too bad I won't be around to see it. Sounds like fun.
ENDNOTES:
[You can contact me by email at god@mykelboard.com.
Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music
or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137,
New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified
when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS
Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]
-->It
was in the cards dept:
Livingston Parish (county) in Louisiana has repealed a
law
prohibiting "fortunetelling and soothsaying." The
ordinance was challenged by local resident Cliff Eakin, a Wiccan who
believed the ban violated his religious freedom. Talking about the
future... and foretelling the future are an integral part of the
Wiccan religion.
A
Louisiana district judge agreed, saying the law was
“unconstitutionally vague.”
I
predict we haven't seen the end of this case.
-->Another
prediction dept:
I write this the day after the Brussels attack. And here's my
soothsaying:
Prediction:
After Brussels, instead of learning a lesson... NATO will harden its
line, kill more people, make more terrorists and this will happen
again and again. This is NOT a war where you can go to a country and
just drop drones on people. Those people are living next door. Are
you going to drone yourself? The proper response to killing people is
to STOP killing people. The only ones who benefit from all this are
the drone-makers. We never learn.
-->Two
for the price of truth dept: The
Cincinnati Municipal Zoo cut
ties
with a "creationist museum" in nearby Kentucky. The
original plan was to offer two-for-the-price-of-one tickets to
special Christmas shows at each venue. The deal was stopped in
response to a boycott and facebook campaign against the zoo. The
two-ticket plan lasted for exactly three days.
Of
course, the creationist president was pissed off.
“It’s
a pity that intolerant people have pushed for our expulsion simply
because of our Christian faith,” he said.
No
word if the museum will now seek ties with the Louisiana Wiccans.
-->Y
tu madre tambien dept:
According to TheGuardian.com,
the US now has the second-highest number of Spanish speakers in the
world, nearly 53 million of 'em. Spain, by the way, has a population
of 46 million. So we've got 'em beat.
Colombia
is third with 48 million. Mexico, of course, is first with 121
million gente... all of whom are welcome to sleep on my floor... and
many of whom have already done so.
-->God
finally gets some dept:
The credit rating company Equifax is finally recognizing God. God
Gazarov of Brooklyn, that is. The guy fought with the company for
five years, but it refused to include his name in its database. They
probably thought it was religiously offensive.
Finally,
the money giant relented and now God can take out a loan and get a
credit card like everybody else. Mazel Tov!
-->Too
Political dept:
Zazzle.com,
an internet retailer, sells, among other things "custom
postage." It's a service that allows customers to design their
own stamps-- usable in the U.S. mail.
"Cruz
for President 2016," has been, unfortunately, a popular one. But
we gotta respect them. After all, free speech is free speech, right?
Yeah,
right.
An
anti-corporate stamp was designed by artist Anatol Zukerman. It said,
"Democracy Is Not for Sale." It was rejected by Zazzle.
The reason? "It's too political.”
-->
Keeping
the Pressure on Dept:
I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing
Bring
Back Mykel effort
directed at Maximum
Rock'n'Roll for
censoring me.
As
their revolving editrixes move on to commercial ventures, each blames
her predecessors for my demise... as if they had no control over the
business... and couldn't simply invite me back.
-end-
