Smoking Can Save The World or Mykel's Post MRR Column no 50

Mykel's

Post MRR Column no. 50

or

Smoking Can Save The World

I write this a week before Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. Ten days after the New Year is Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement. That's the holiest day in the Jewish calendar... a 24-hour fast (no food OR liquid), Hardcore Jews spend 18 of the 24 hours confessing their sins, beating their breasts, making a clean slate.

Me? I keep the fast and spend about 4 hours in breast-beating.

During the holiday, the Rabbi reads the story of the ancient temple, where-- every year-- Aaron brought two goats... male goats. Aaron shall take the two he-goats and let them stand before the LORD at the entrance of the Tent of Meeting; and he shall place lots upon the two goats, one marked for the LORD and the other marked for Azazel. Aaron shall bring forward the goat designated by lot for the LORD, which he is to offer as a sin offering; while the goat designated by lot for Azazel shall be left standing alive before the LORD, to make expiation with it and to send it off to the wilderness for Azazel

(Note: it's not clear what Azazel is. Some say it's hell. Some say it's just a rugged mountain. In any case, it's a place of no return.)

He shall then slaughter the people’s goat of sin offering, bring its blood behind the curtain, and do with its blood as he has done with the blood of the bull: he shall sprinkle it over the cover and in front of the cover. Thus he shall purge the Shrine of the uncleanness and transgression of the Israelites, whatever their sins; and he shall do the same for the Tent of Meeting, which abides with them in the midst of their uncleanness.

Aaron shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat and confess over it all the iniquities and transgressions of the Israelites, whatever their sins, putting them on the head of the goat; and it shall be sent off to the wilderness through a designated man. Thus the goat shall carry on it all their iniquities to an inaccessible region; and the goat shall be set free in the wilderness.

I've left out the stuff about sacrificing a bull and doing all kinds of nasty stuff with the blood and fat... The rabbi reads all this in Hebrew. Most of the congregation is left less disgusted than they'd be in English. But you get the idea... It's a scape goat... carrying the sins of the Jews off into the wilderness.
Keep that thought in the folds of your codpiece and we'll

FLASH TO THE MODERN WORLD
China's industrial cities are so polluted that Black Lung Disease is as common as the measles. According to the American Lung Association: In the U.S., Houston comes in at 16th for year-round air pollution tournament. It also ranks 12th out 228 cities for ozone levels.

The report also says, while Oregon has a “green” image, the Medford-Grants Pass area ranked among the highest for pollution.

Vassalia California wins as the Most Polluted City in America. Their local paper says: the heavy volume of truck and car traffic on Highway 99 and Interstate 5 is spewing massive amounts of noxious fumes and dangerously small particles of smoke.

The world is sick. People die from breathing the air, drinking the water, eating fish that beathe and drink an oceanful of plastic. It's not getting any better.

Dealing with pollution caused by industrial fertilizers, plastic, energy plants and gasoline? Business suffers. If we cut down, workers can't use their filth-spewing cars to get to work in the factories whose effluvia gives cancer to their kids-- in order to make products that no one needs. We'd better take care or people will demand FEWER goods. What will happen if there's NO DEMAND... if people want LESS? The business world could collapse! It would be the end of capitalism.

FLASH TO NYC: 1972 United Nations... basement conference room. It's an “informal” meeting of the G8... before Russia got kicked out for being too punk.

Hollis Chenery

Citizens are beginning to get pissed off at how their lives are getting worse... at how they're dying younger... at how they can't get rid of their chronic coughs... how their kids have asthma before they're old enough to jerk off.

At the G8 meeting they speak English. It's the only language the Americans understand.

The speaker is Hollis Chenery, famed American economist... expert on international development... and brother of the jockey superstar who ran Secretariat into world racing renown. He's the kind of guy whose ears wiggle when he smiles. He's not smiling now.

He speaks... pacing back and forth across the plush UN carpeting.

“We're here for development,” he says. “We want to build the world's economies. We want to import... to export... to produce.”
He stops and clears his throat.

“A big part of that development is energy,” he continues. “We need energy to produce, to distribute, to consume. We need energy to MAKE energy. But we have a problem...”
The representative from the UK... a fat cigar smoking man... takes the cigar from between his lips and gestures with it... flicking some ash onto the floor.

“We're here for economics,” he says, “not to talk about your stupid fucking war.”

Chenery stops in his tracks, spins and faces the fat man.

“Let me finish you pompous ass,” he says through gritted teeth. “I'm not talking about THE WAR. I'm talking about what people are calling the environment. I'm talking about the movement to STOP DEVELOPMENT. I'm talking about the end of growth...”

The fat man turns slightly red under the glare from the others in the room.

“The problem is that people are getting sick... and they're blaming DEVELOPMENT,” Chenery continues. “If we don't watch out they're going to call for an end to growth.”

A sexy middle aged woman, the representative from France, raises her hand like a school child.

Chenery gestures to her. “Ms Gueulevelue, do you have something to say?”

“Oui.” she says. “I mean yes. What if we make people believe they're responsible for their own disease? Or the disease of their neighbors? Why not choose one industry... make it a scapegoat... and connect it to an INDIVIDUAL'S behavior? That will let the developed world be free... to... to develop.”

Chenery rolls his eyes heavenward... as men often do when an attractive woman makes a suggestion.

 “And you think people will just turn from business, and start blaming themselves?” He asks. “What could we possibly use to make people think they are making THEMSELVES sick instead of our global network making them sick?”

You can guess the rest. Of course, the solution was TOBACCO! An herb used medicinally by the American Indians. A cultivated weed with a longer history than the wheel... a scapegoat.

H. L. Menken said, “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”

But he was too narrow. It's not just the American public... It's the WORLD public.
We tell people that if they get sick... it's THEIR OWN FAULT. We focus on stopping people from smoking. Make it more difficult to smoke. Claim smoking causes all the problems. Send the tobacco companies to Azazel.

What happens if you get sick and you don't smoke? EASY ANSWER. Your neighbor smokes... someone in your building smokes. Your parents smoked before you were born and the smoking curse entered your blood in the womb.

FLASH TO THE FUTURE:

Washington Square Park: May 1, 2020. It's the SMEC (Smoking Makes Everything Clear) smoke-in. Marijuana has been legal for the past two years, but tobacco is prohibited everywhere except one doorway... on 167 Street and Amsterdam Avenue.

SMEC has organized this protest... the first of what they hope will be a yearly event. They wear t-shirts with a cartoon of a goat smoking a cigarette. The caption: Don't Let Corporatism Scapegoat Tobacco. 

The police wait warily on the sidelines. What's left of the press... CNN and Fox News... sit on the grass... cross legged... The other participants sit around them. They all look at the stage... faces aglow... like churchmen watching an evangelist.

This priest is Rökning Ändtarmen. She looks and dresses like the smoking goddesses of the 1930s and 40. She's got a husky smoker's voice with an unidentifiable touch of a foreign accent.

“Thank you all for coming,” she says, taking a puff on her American Spirit. “We are here today to tell that world that we won't take blame... this stick of fire won't take the blame...” She gestures with the cigarette, “for the air, the lungs, the health of our citizens.”

The audience applauds.

“We are here to smoke together... illegally... in solidarity... to show the world... and the corporatocracy... that we know what they are doing.”

More applause.

“We are here to tell them that everyone who takes a puff of tobacco in 2020 knows what the global capitalists are up to.... We are here to tell them that every cigarette smoked is a voice against big oil... big energy... big agriculture... We are here to tell them that every smoker is a fighter... a fighter against fracking... against Exxon... against Dow... against Boeing... against Ford.”

“Can't you just quit smoking and be against that stuff too?” shouts Cub Blitzer. the son of a retired CNN reporter, now a correspondent on his own.

Rökning laughs... a deep throaty laugh. “Sure Mr TV news. That's worked so well during the past half century.”

Blitzer's face contorts into a question mark.

“No one notices... no one cares,” explains Rökning. “They believe the problem is TOO BIG for them to manage. AND they have another focus... something they... as individuals can police... smoking! The war against cigarettes is a smokescreen. It hides a much bigger war that needs to be fought. We're here to tell them WE CAN SEE THROUGH THAT SMOKESCREEN!”

More wild applause... this time with cheers.

“We smoke because we know... We smoke because our protest gets noticed... gets reported... gets support... We smoke because we're saying it's not OUR individual behavior that is society's cancer. It is THEIR behavior. THEIR thirst for profit over all else. THEIR support from Wall Street, the banks, industry... that is the cancer!” she takes a deep puff from her cigarette and sexily lets the smoke out through her nose.

“We smoke to say, WE WILL NOT BE FOOLED.”

FLASH TO May 1 2021... the size of the smoke-in doubles.

FLASH TO May 1, 2025, Five states have legalized recreational use of tobacco... anywhere. NOT coincidentally, that is the first year that electric cars out-number gasoline cars... and the war continues.

-end- 

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Subscribe to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

-->Note: The poster at the start of this blog/column hangs in my apartment I bought it at a brewery. THEY know what the story is.

--> Full disclosure dept: Hollis Chenery is a real person... and he was very involved in the Development section of the World Bank. The meeting described here is, however, a complete fabrication... I think.
Also, the Mencken underestimating quote is often quoted, but there is considerable debate as to its veracity.

-->My kind of elderly dept: A 73-year-old Daytona Beach man was banned from local beaches after he was caught handing out business cards that said Sugardaddy seeking his sugarbaby.

          Richard G. Basaraba was approached by cops after a mother of a 16-year-old girl complained to officers that her daughter had received one of the cards. The card shows a young woman wearing shorts and high heels sitting on the lap of a man dressed in a business suit. The man’s right hand is on the woman’s thigh.

            The mother also complained that Basaraba showed her daughter bra padding from a bathing suit and told her that he was looking for someone to fill it. Basaraba told the girl she would be “perfect” and to contact him when she turned 18.

--> Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for censoring me.

             As their revolving editrixes move on to commercial ventures, each blames her predecessors for my demise... as if they had no control over the business... and couldn't simply invite me back.

            Send your comments to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com (or post on their facebook page) with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.

See you in hell.

-end-

NOTE: If you're interested in my travel blog, you can read it at mykelsdiary.blogspot.com. I have another blog of short interesting things at: http://mykelsclippings.blogspot.com. And finally, my oldies from last century are slowly being scanned and uploaded to: http://mykelsoldies.blogspot.com/

You Just Don't Get It or Mykel's Post MRR Column no 49

Mykel's

Post MRR Column no 49

or

You Just Don't Get it

by Mykel Bioard

“That's the difference between most oppressed peoples of the world and American blacks. They vow never to forget, and we want everything expunged from our record, sealed and filed away for eternity.”

--Paul Beatty

“Nothing is so awkward as the demonstration of humanity by the enemy" -- Kobo Abe

CHARLOTTESVILLE VIRGINIA, SATURDAY AUGUST 12: Tension is high as a group of torch-bearing women and (mostly) men demonstrate against the removal of a Civil War statue. It's a motley crew of Southern Patriots, a guy with a swastika flag, White Supremacists, alt-rightist, not-so-alt-rightists, and who knows who else. Previous demonstrations have been attacked by Antifas... This time the paraders are prepared... armed. Some of them are looking for a fight. ...The torchlight parade begins.

Of course, the anti-Parade also begins. It's a motley crew of Antifas, liberals, American blacks and who knows who else. They too are armed, but apparently with more club power than fire power. Some of them are looking for a fight.

If these folks had been watching their CNN/FOX/BREITBART/BART SIMPSON these days. The weapon of choice in 2017 is neither a Ruger, a Tipman, a Bushmaster... nor a Saint Louis Slugger. It's a car... a van or SUV ... actually. Check out Nice... or London Bridge... Those guys know how to terror!

[I'm waiting for Mothers Against Cars to demand Car Control Laws... And the reaction form the right? “They're taking our cars away. The Feds are coming for them. Soon: no more cars... or Christmas!]

One of the statue supporters... a fan of white people... plows his sedan-not-SUV into a crowd of antis... killing one and injuring several. Outrage! (Justified.) Terrorism! (Maybe.)

STOP: Let's get this straight. Terrorism is a very specific form of warfare. It is meant to create fear in the local people so they will pressure their leaders to surrender/end a war/stop some action. Raiding a random school yard and shooting up kids is not terrorism. A guy at a swimming pool killing innocents to get back at his girlfriend is not terrorism. An attack killing Planned Parenthood doctors MIGHT be terrorism, if the motive is to scare doctors away from performing abortions. If it's to kill doctors that the shooter judges to be murderers... it is NOT terrorism. Sherman's civil war march through the South, burning a path to the sea... damaging innocent people on the way... that was terrorism. Early 20^th century lynchings for looking at a white woman and vagrancy or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. That was terrorism. Scare those darkies into knowing their place!

Of course, even if an act is NOT terrorism, it can still be deadly and worthy of condemnation. A person is no less dead if she's killed in a nut-job shooting or a drone attack than if she's plowed down by a terrorist. I just want to get the terms right.

So, what happens after this guy smashes his car into the crowd? Not only does he become a terrorist but everybody in the pro-statue march suddenly become Nazis and Racists. Alt-right-- an umbrella term for rightists who don't subscribe to The National Review-- suddenly becomes an umbrella term for Nazis, the KKK, and anyone else on the Antifa shit list. One person carrying a swastika flag becomes the symbol of everybody who carries a Hawaiian tiki torch. The car driver earns the epithet American Terrorist, in nya-nya-told-ya-so response to alt-right labeling of other terrorists foreigners, Muslims or immigrants.

AUGUST 17, BARCELONA SPAIN: A van driven by a Muslim immigrant...claimed by ISIS as one of their own... slams into a crowd in Barcelona Spain. It kills sixteen people. This is clearly a terrorist act. Isis has used this tactic exactly in the terrorist way... to scare people into pressuring their government into stopping the invasions of the Middle East. (By the way, I agree with their motives, but not their means.)

Local Muslims are scared. Spain has a history of tossing Muslims (and Jews) out of the country (check out what ELSE happened in 1492)... Can you say Spanish Inquisition? In order to ensure calm in the Barcelona aftermath, European liberals urge the populous not to tar the whole immigration kit and caboodle with one blood-spattered van. There is a march to welcome new immigrants.

But who, except The President^®, is urging the American populous not to tar the whole Charlottesville march kit and caboodle with one somewhat less blood-spattered vehicle? And the president giving an ounce of humanity to the torch-bearers provokes such outrage that his entire multi-billionaired CEO advisory group... quits. This is a group scummier than Citibank, than Lehman Brothers, than Goldman Sachs. Scummier than Steve Jobs... the kind of group that bribes Hilary Clinton with one besmirched hand and then wipes Donald Trump's ass with the other. These are people who support companies that exploit workers, pay no taxes, make sure the government is “business friendly,” hire slave labor, no problem. But give an modicum of understanding to “the other side?” What an outrage!

Even FOX News, that paragon of corporate conservatism. (via Newsmax):

James Murdoch, the CEO of Fox News' parent company, has been slammed by conservatives for harshly criticizing President Donald Trump and suggesting he had backed Nazi sympathizers.

Earlier this week, Murdoch, who heads 21st Century Fox, wrote "What we watched this last week in Charlottesville and the reaction to it by the President of the United States concern all of us as Americans and free people."

Murdoch pledged “to fight hate crimes and prejudice.”

"The presence of hate in our society was appallingly laid bare as we watched swastikas brandished on the streets of Charlottesville and acts of brutal terrorism and violence perpetrated by a racist mob," Murdoch added.

"I can't even believe I have to write this: Standing up to Nazis is essential; there are no good Nazis. Or Klansmen, or terrorists."

Trump did condemn white supremacists and Nazi sympathizers, including the person who murdered a young protester. That wasn't enough, says the populous. He needs a thicker brush to tar with... but the tar has to be only on one side. 

CHANGE SUBJECT: Paul Beatty, the author I quoted at the beginning of this entry wrote an amazing book called The Sellout... certainly the best book I've read this year. It's filled with hilarious criticism of racism, and attitude.... and not just white racism. Beatty also criticizes his fellow colored people. In his satire, his protagonist cleans up a black town by reintroducing segregation. His premise, (although he doesn't directly mention the analogy), is that-- like Jews need antisemitism to keep unity-- American blacks need overt racism to bring them together.

Beatty's quote at the beginning of this piece-- about destroying history reaches to RIGHT NOW-- in the city of Baltimore-- which quietly removed Civil War Confederate-oriented statues in the middle of the night. The liberal mayor of that city decided it was the best move to keep the peace... or hide the history.

CHANGE SUBJECT AGAIN: As a free speech kinda guy, I always feel guilty when I ban people on facebook. I know I'm not banning their speech, but I don't get to hear what they have to say. There are about a dozen who make the BLOCK list (out of nearly 3000 “friends”)... most because of association with Maximum Rock'n'Roll. That ban is my tit for their tat. But in the last month I've had to ban someone just for being stupid. Not biologically stupid. Not mongoloid stupid. Not doesn’t-know-an-alligator-from-a-crocodile stupid. But INTERNET stupid... Facebook stupid... The kind of I-don't-want-to-hear-it stupidity that makes most facebook discussion useless.

• Him: You're a racist.
• Me: All Americans are racist.
• Him: So you admit it.
• Me: Absolutely, I think white people are the most destructive race on earth. Most of my friends are not white. I don't like the white race.
• Him: So you admit your racism... and you're trying to play the “My Black Friend” card.
• Me: Thinking “not white” is the same as “black” is racist. Humanity is not just white or black. Neither is the world.
• Him: You're a tool of the alt-right racists.
• Me: You're outta here.

I mention this not because I want to pick on this guy, but because of how many of us are becoming that special kind of idiot that refuses rights and humanity to those we don't like... and by doing so... give others the justification to refuse YOU those rights and humanity. We're losing the ability to discuss.

“How could you think that?” is not a question people want answered. It is code for “You CAN'T think that!”

When you meet opinions with clubs, those clubs will be met with guns, and cars. When you don't think... or don't listen... THEY don't think... or don't listen. When you hide history, you change history. When you change history, nothing is true.

It's easy to shout down, to attack, to throw a sucker-punch. It's easy to stop a person from speaking. But when you do that... instead of answering, debating, thinking... you make yourself the template for the actions of the other side. She did it... so why can't I? And THEY have bigger guns.

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

--> Make New Jersey Great Again dept: A Wall Township (NJ) High School student wore a MAGA shirt for his class photo. When the photo appeared in the yearbook, the t-shirt was blank. At least three other students complained about similar censorship.... The school said it didn't want any trouble... But wait! There's more.

In Morristown (NJ) High, school officials removed two student anti-Trump works from their school art show. The artist, Liam Shea, complained about school censorship for political views. The school said it didn't want any trouble.

See? Once you start, there's no end to it. And look at...

-->College Hoops Dept: Latino students at Pitzer College have a "free speech wall" where students are encouraged to write what they want: Some Hispanic students wrote "White Girl, Take Off Your Hoops," in reference to the idea of "cultural appropriation."

The girls were wrong. One of the few good things about America is that everybody's culture belongs to everybody. I LOVE it when I see Japanese businessmen eating matzoh. Culture should CONTRIBUTE to the world, not divide it. Take my culture... please!

Correct or not, the Latina students have the right to their opinion. That's what free speech is all about. But what happened?

The Latinas all received threats, including pictures of guns pointed at them. They're now afraid for their safety. The idiots of the right have proven themselves to be as intolerant as the idiots of the left.

Another worry America will never have: a shortage of idiots.

-->Side effects dept: Tylenol is a drug already marked because of a cyanide scandal last century. This century, scientists credit the drug with causing severe liver damage... and the latest report shows that the drug "dulls empathy." So, if you take Tylenol, you're less likely to give a buck to that homeless guy sitting freezing on his cardboard box.

My question: Why hasn't there been a study about American capitalism? I'm sure findings will show will find an even stronger correlation between it and lack of empathy. Take Ayn Rand.... please!

-->Getting Their Goat Dept: I used to write about how unions were bad guys because their whole purpose is to encourage work. And it still strikes me as odd that the right-wing “get a job you lazy fuck!” crew is so anti-union. They're really (almost) on the same side of the welfare line. Now, I think unions are a necessary evil... better than the alternative which is not a work-free life... but slavery.

Still, every once-in-awhile, I read about jobs that really might be better if done by goats. This from Chuck Shephards News of The Weird:

A local chapter of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees in Battle Creek, Michigan, is butting heads with Western Michigan University this summer after the school brought in a goat crew to clean up an overgrown woodlot on campus, leaving union workers without jobs. The AFSCME's grievance cites a collective bargaining agreement with WMU, but university officials counter that "the area is rife with poison ivy and other invasive species," which are difficult for humans to remove. The 20-goat crew, rented from Munchers on Hooves in Coldwater, Michigan, is ahead of schedule in clearing a 15-acre area.

-->Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for censoring me.

As their revolving editrixes move on to commercial ventures, each blames her predecessors for my demise... as if they had no control over the business... and couldn't simply invite me back.

Send your comments to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com (or post on their facebook page) with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.

See you in hell.

-end-

NOTE: If you're interested in my travel blog, you can read it at mykelsdiary.blogspot.com. Other articles of interest (to me anyway) including my How Rich People Spend Their Money series can be found at: http://mykelsclippings.blogspot.com. And finally, my oldies-but-baddies series is at: http://mykelsoldies.blogspot.com

Hate! or Mykel's Post MRR Column no 48

Mykel's

Post MRR Column no 48

or

Hate

The MOST important type of speech to protect is hate speech, because it often contains desperate truths that would lose their urgency if expressed calmly. --Jim Goad

It's my last night in Grenomia... second smallest country in Africa... and one of the many where English is the first language. The natives know half a dozen others. The local tribal language sounds more Slovic than African. I'll do my best to transcribe it. It's been 30 days of wild times with half a dozen citizens who may be the only punk rockers in the country. I have a hangover the size of Lithuania, and a smile on my face the size of Wyoming. Great times!

My farewell party is in a squat on the outskirts of Juancasas.. the country's capital. The locals have squatted the entire house, and when they drive me here they tell me they had a special farewell gift for me.

I'm game.

The car pulls over in front of a dilapidated house that wouldn't look out of place in a Psycho remake... Africa version... left over from colonial times and just allowed to rot. It's a tall stone structure with a balcony over the door. The windows are either boarded up or naked and glassless. There is a recently-built front door of sorts... a piece of plywood on hinges.

The lockless front door creaks open, but instead of the theme to The Munsters, Black Flag's Six Pack blasts out from a boombox with fresh batteries. It's the Grenomian Punk House! Oh yeah!

Inside is a self-remodeled house... almost completely plywood. Punk posters on plywood walls... The lower floors have makeshift plywood ceilings while the upper floors are left open to the sky. Clothes hang on wood racks... wood wood wood.

Stratos... nothing like a black guy with a Mohawk!

The house is lit with candles. Yep, wood wood wood illuminated with burning tapers... an open invitation to a future skin graft. Fearless me proceeds inward... up a winding staircase... to a closed door that Stratos... my mohawked host... punk and punster supreme... opens with a flourish.   >

“Her name is Ovoje Laž,” Stratos tells me. “You can just call her Ovo. She's your farewell present.”

“Oh yeah!” I say to him.

“Pleased to meet you,” I tell the girl on the floor, now looking over her shoulder at me.

“Ez îngilîzî nizanim,” she answers.

I figure inglizi is English. And she's telling me she doesn't speak it. I figure wrong.

“Just kidding,” she says. “But I got paid. My body is your body. Should we start doggie style?”

“In front of this guy?” I ask, motioning to Stratos.

He laughs. “It's part of the deal,” he says. “I get to watch.”

“I donno,” I say. “I'm not sure I can... er... perform in front of someone else.”

He laughs again. “Mykel, you've spent your whole life performing in front of other people.”

Wiseguy.

Faster than a feminist can be offended, I take my clothes off. I'm limper than limp... positively shriveled... how is this gonna work?

When I'm naked, I stand in front of Ovo and she looks at my stub and asks simply, “And?...”

“You know,” I say. “Maybe if you warm me up a little... you know from the front... get the blood circulating... don't forget to do my balls.”

“Yo!” shouts Stratos from the sidelines. “Don't look a gift whore in the mouth.”

Wiseguy again.

She takes my hors d’oeuvre pickle in her mouth. Blood flows to the nether regions. Slowly I perk up. In less than a minute, she releases me.

“Should I keep going?” she asks.

“Have a ball!” shouts Stratos from the sideline.

My feelings exactly.

She takes one, then the other into her mouth. Then both... sucking with just the right degree of gentleness... like a pro.

From the corner of my eye I see Stratos... his pants unzipped... his ample amplitude filling his fist... It's like he's watching a porno movie.

That makes me harder.

“Okay! Okay!” I breathe. “Let's get this show on the road.”

She lets me loose and I go around in back.

I stand behind her. Lower myself slightly... I hear Stratos shift his position... to either get a better view or a better grip.

I bend my knees a bit, reach for the good part and press myself in. I start pumping, but feel very little.

Then she says it... the four most awful words in English:

Is it in yet?It falls out.

I lift... reinsert. Press.... It falls out.

I bend my knees more... try again... pffffft... air... I'm fucking air. Insert again... a laughing sound comes from behind me. It's Stratos.

“Mykel, Mykel, Mykel,” he says, “think outside the box.”

Oh yeah! I salivate and stick my middle finger in my mouth. Then instead of aiming for the i, I am for the DOT on the i. BINGO!

I grab the reigns and buck for the bunghole. Oh yeah! Friction up the wazoo. I watch her ass cheeks wave in punkrock rhythm to the music of my thrusts.

I draw ever closer to that magical moment. All I can do is concentrate on the tightness around my little linguine. Yes! Yes!

I hear a female voice. It is NOT the voice of the girl I'm shtupping.

“OK, MYKEL...” it says, “I THINK WE'VE HAD ENOUGH!”

“Who the fuck are you?” I ask.

“YOU KNOW ME, MYKEL,” she says. “I'VE BEEN ABUSED BY YOU FOR DECADES. I'M A LITERARY DEVICE.”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask. “Go away!”

If there were a transcription for the sound eyes make when they roll heavenward, I'd insert it here.

“YOU KNOW, MYKEL. (eye-rolling sound) I'M JUST DOING MY JOB... I'M HERE TO CALL YOU OUT... WHERE SHOULD I START?”

“I donno,” I say, “at the beginning?”

“FINE,” she says, “LET'S START WITH FAKE NEWS. GRENOMIA? THERE'S NO COUNTRY IN AFRICA-- OR IN THE WORLD-- CALLED GRENOMIA. YOU JUST MADE THAT UP.”

“Of course I did,” I answer. “I'm a writer. That's a writer's job... to make stuff up. It's what I'm supposed to do. Is Moby Dick FAKE NEWS because there was no real Captain Ahab?”

“MOBY DICK WAS A NOVEL,” she says. “YOU'RE NOT WRITING A NOVEL. AND BESIDES, THAT'S ONLY THE FIRST OFFENSE.”

“Okay,” I answer. “What's next?”

“YOU PUT THE WHOLE THING IN AFRICA. YOU'RE APPROPRIATING A FOREIGN CULTURE. YOU'RE INSERTING YOURSELF SOMEWHERE TO CREATE THE IMPRESSION OF THE EXOTIC... THE MYSTERIOUS... YOU'RE MAKING AFRICANS AS SOME SORT OF FREAKS... COMPLETE ALIENS.”

You're wrong! I'm making the Africans punk-cool-sophisticated. That great punster is African. The squat... could have been Ave C in the 80s... is African.

OK, THEN WHAT ABOUT THE HET-ITUDE? THAT WOMAN ON THE FLOOR... IT HAD TO BE A WOMAN? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE, MYKEL? YOUR HETERO MANLINESS?

What the fuck? Are you accusing me of homophobia? Me??? I'm not gay, but MOST of the guys I've fucked are gay. That's as public as my hair transplant.

SEE? YOU'RE EQUATING GAY WITH HAIR TRANSPLANT... AS IF THEY BOTH WERE FAILED SOLUTIONS TO SOME PROBLEM OR OTHER.

(Insert the sound of Mykel's eye-rolling here.)

DON'T GIVE ME THAT! AND WHAT ABOUT THAT POOR WOMAN?... ON ALL FOURS... IN A SLUM... FOR YOUR PLEASURE. GIVEN LIKE A BIRTHDAY BLOW-UP DOLL FOR YOU TO JERK OFF IN.

It's a service... a job... have you ever given anyone a haircut for his birthday... or paid for someone's cab ride? In a post-work society there will be no prostitutes. No barbers or cab drivers either. Until we get there people work... they have jobs... You think being a whore is somehow more demeaning than being a rich woman's schwarze? I know dozens of people who love whores for what they do. (I'm one of them.) I've yet to meet one who respects the toilet cleaner.

MYKEL! MYKEL! MYKEL! (Literary Device shakes her head.) YOU'RE JUST SO FULL OF HATE! YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST YELL “FUCK YOU!” AT EVERYONE AND LEAVE IT ALONE.

You're a just literary device... you wouldn't know hate if it came up and bit you on the ass.

BINGO! I WOULD KNOW HATE IF IT BIT ME ON THE ASS. WHAT BETTER WAY TO TELL?

Double bingo! I say. THAT's what hate's all about. A word isn't hate... a cliché... a joke... that isn't hate. Hate is HATE. If I say colored girl... that is not hate. It's just a pair of words with historical meaning. I'll tell you about hate.

I hate mosquitoes. I'd like to kill every one of 'em. I'd like them out... gone... deader than American free speech. That's hate. I hate public displays of possession. Johnny's got Mary (or Jim) pressed up against a lamppost. Their arms are around each other... he grinds his crotch into hers... she sticks her tongue down his throat... one eye on the passers-by... telling 'em Hey look... I'm getting laid. I own this girl... or guy. I hate that! I'd like to strangle them both... bury them as far apart from one another as geography allows.

Want me to tell you what else I hate?

I HAVE THE FEELING YOU WILL ANYWAY.

I hate self-righteous bike riders who think that-- because they don't use gas-- they have the right to go the wrong way on a one-way street, travel at night without a light, and ride on the sidewalk. I hate jock-itch that comes every summer no matter how much I spray beforehand. I hate banks that tell me I need 25-letter passwords and besides they'll block my credit card if I go to Africa... and then say it's for my own protection.

I hate excessive nosehair that-- besides being aesthetically hideous-- tickles when I smile. I hate people who cringe in disgust when I squeeze those nosehairs between my thumb and middle finger and one-by-one yank them out.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Yes. I hate a literary device that doesn't know its place. Literary devices are tricks to illustrate a point... to foreshadow... provide background or diversion. Literary devices aren't supposed to be uppity, contradict the writer, talk back. Get it?

FUCK YOU!

ENDNOTES:

> [You can contact me on facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

-->What's Wayne Newton's First Name? Dept: Chuck Shepherd has collected the names of murderers... or accused murderers-- in the US from 1970 to 2008. Not all of them, though... just the ones whose middle name is WAYNE. You can see the list here. But be prepared... I count six pages of names... from Michael Wayne Adams to Robert Wayne Wyant.

I'm waiting for the Social Justice Warriors to accuse me of Waynophobia. It's not true... there are some good ones out there somewhere. It's just that I can't find any.

-->Jewish Nazis Dept: The totalitarians of the German Antifa Fa squad have shut down a bookstore in Berlin. The reason? The bookstore, located in an immigrant neighborhood, had organized a forum about a thinker than some say is “fascist.” The forum wasn't a promotion, it was a discussion... but discussion is furthest from the “minds” of Antifa-Fas. They called the owner a Nazi and put so much pressure on the store, it had to close. The owners, by the way, were Jews, grandchildren of holocaust survivors.

In their farewell letter they wrote:
when you want a free society you have to except the whole package: the madmen and the pedophiles and the sociopath and the radicals and the dandy and the nerds and the black and the whites and the whiter and the rich jews and the poor christians and also- yourself, this is actually always the right place to start, and it is always best to start now, because tomorrow we might lose these rights and freedoms.

--> Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for censoring me.

As their revolving editrixes move on to commercial ventures, each blames her predecessors for my demise... as if they had no control over the business... and couldn't simply invite me back.

Send your comments to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com (or post on their facebook page) with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.

See you in hell.

-end-

NOTE: If you're interested in my travel blog, you can read it at mykelsdiary.blogspot.com.