WHITE MEN? PUL-- EEZE! Mykel Board's Post-MRR Column 12

YOU'RE STILL WRONG

POST-MRR COLUMNS

by Mykel Board

aka: WHITE MEN? PUL-- EEZE! 

"People who get upset over the mildest racial slur aren't nearly so bothered by obscenities such as "war stimulates the economy" or "the poor you shall always have with you." But this kind of thinking has killed more people, black and white, than racism ever has.” --Jim Goad

[Last column I wrote about my trip to Detroit. That episode was about my adventures with Unitarian Men's Liberationists. Now let's flash to the Allied Media Conference... the main reason I'm here.]

I'm madder than a feminist at a free-speech rally. It's my chance and THEY blew it.

Detroit, city of possibilities, dreams... a blank slate. I'm here for the Allied Media Conference: a collection of alternative types from all over America. In my mind that means lesbos, homos, punks, colored folks... the full spectrum... snow to fudge syrup... everything in-between. Genders up the wazoo.... the full spectrum... Rihanna to Arnold Schwartzenegger... everything in between. It'll be a mammoth mingle... a coming together... freaks of all kinds in one big jumble... up each other's wazoo. Oh boy!

Hosted at Detroit's Wayne State University, they'll use the classrooms to teach-- and celebrate-- the possibilities of Freak Media in a boring world.

There'll be real mutants and marginals... Not the LTGs on the NYUed streets of The Village, but hardcore girls who wear their lesbitude on their chest. And the drag kings who make such pretty boys that I could cum in my Depends. (Someday, I want to make an LP called Boy With A Cunt. Whoops, I already did.)

And there'll be all those sissy boys, prancing around... begging for sexual favors from a literary superstar, fired from MRR for being too punk.

It'll be one fantastic educational, sensual, groping, orgy. And, I'll learn something from it too! Yeah!

Check out some of the workshops on tap.

FAT ACTIVISM FOR UNRULY PEOPLE. Catalog description: I'm not looking for fat activism that produces well-behaved citizens while reinforcing existing inequalities: what I want is wild, weird, funny and free.

or

REIMAGINING DESIRE. Catalog description: This workshop will create a safe(r) shame-free space to explore the ways we can help shift and explore our own desires.

or maybe my favorite

CREATIVE DIGESTION FOR PEOPLE OF COLOR. Catalog description: In this caucus we will reclaim the dirtiest parts of ourselves. Come prepared to make art, share stories, and get messy.

This is gonna be fun.

I arrive at the check-in, greeted by a huge Negress “manning” the information booth. Smiley, funny, in great humor. I LOVE fat people. Especially the ones who are comfortable in their bodies. And there are... er... a ton of 'em here. Sexy fat colored girls, fat dykes who look like the cops in Tom of Finland drawings, bulky boys with double-D tits. Hubba Hubba!

Then I wake up. This crew is not punk. There's a bit of colored hair, but it's collegiate colored hair, not punk colored hair. In fact, the entire conference has the odor of college about it. Academic freaks rather than street freaks. FTG? Uh oh!

It's time for the first workshop. The REIMAGINING DESIRE one. Shame-free! Yeah, bring it on. I'm so there.

I check the catalog entry to confirm the time. Rereading the description, I see that it says, Open to all self-identifying people of color.

What? White people are not allowed??? If you're white but don't “act white” or think of yourself as white, it's okay? What the fuck? That is racist. No two ways about it. Entrance by race is racist. That's as clear as the freckles on my back.

Okay, I need a quick second choice. I decide on SELFIES & SURVEILLANCE: Where do our Pics Go? It's about photos on the internet. Not spectacular, but better than Software for Accessible Game Design.

The presenter is an academic-looking white woman with curly hair and glasses. The glasses do not have a chain that goes around the back, but they should. She introduces herself.

“My name is Karen Schwartz,” she says. “I'm an academic.”

Is this an AA meeting?

She continues, “When you fill out the cards I'll hand you... if you don't mind... could you include some demographics? Age, gender, affiliation. Academics like that sort of thing. You don't have to put your name on it.”

“But first,” she concludes, “let's go around the room and ask each person to introduce themselves. Tell us your organization, and your preferred pronoun.”

Preferred pronoun? I have a preferred sexual position (top). A preferred beer (U Fleku). A preferred degree of doneness in beef (rare). But a preferred pronoun?

“My name is Cassie,” says the first girl, sitting in front, all the way to the left. “I work with Feminists Against The Patriarchy. My preferred pronoun is SHE.”

“Nice to meet you, Cassie,” says the leader.

“My name is Madison,” says the next girl, a beautiful colored girl with beach-weaved hair. “I work with Detroit Women of Color Preserving Neighborhoods. My preferred pronoun is SHE.”

“Nice to meet you, Madison,” says the leader.

Then comes a cute school-boyish something. Blond hair, cut like a 1950s farmer boy... smooth face, no Adam's apple, but jeans and a boy's haircut. Speaking in a medium tenor voice, “My name is Dan. I work with Trans-people Trans-forming America. My preferred pronoun is HE.”

“Nice to meet you, Dan,” says the leader.

Then it's my turn. “I'm Mykel,” I say, “I work with anyone who'll have me. My preferred pronoun is ME.”

“Nice to meet you, Mykel,” says nobody.

Then the next person, a hugely fat woman... dressed like one of the Village People... begins to speak. “My name is Nicole,” she says... and the introductions continue.

After the introductions, the academic hands out her cards and asks us to write down-- next to our demographics-- who we take pictures of and why... what we look for in a picture... what we're careful of.

“I like taking pictures of people who are proud of their difference,” I write on the card. “I want to concentrate on their self-confidence rather than on their freakdom.”

I steal a glance at the tall trannie with black hair sitting in the back of the room. She wears pointy glasses and a very prim office-lady dress. She doesn't notice me.

The academic in the front of the room discusses the dangers of posting pictures online, who can use those pictures, how they can be taken and put anywhere and how we have no control over them.

I think about evil Mayor Giuliani suing to have his picture removed from an ad for New York Magazine. The tagline was

“Possibly the only good thing in New York Rudy hasn’t taken credit for.” 

He was the fuckin' mayor. His face was all over the place... in every newspaper. How could he complain about it in an ad? Anyway, his suit created more publicity for the magazine than the ad campaign alone ever could.

“How can we keep our images among ourselves?” asks the academic. “How can we prevent others from taking them and using them to their advantage?”

I raise my hand. You do that when there's an academic at the head of the room. She nods to me.

“Why bother?” I ask. “If you don't fear how people use an image, you can't be harmed by it. Bill Gates' mug shot is all over the internet. Nothing is private. Why should we worry?”

“Don't you see,” says the academic woman, “this is about power.”

“Bill Gates doesn't have power?” I ask.

The tall trannie in the corner stands. “Why is it always WHITE MEN who are so free with other people's images? Why is it always WHITE MEN who don't get it?” she says.

She says white men the same way New Yorkers say white bread... the curled lip, metaphorical hand on metaphorical hip.

Then the class breaks into small discussion groups-- they call 'em breakout groups-- to talk about nothing. Instead of learning from a teacher, we have to geek off each other and talk about ourselves. Usually, I'm the last person to refrain from talking about himself... but I'm here to learn, to discuss among EVERYBODY.

This small group shit is a waste of time, but they do it in this workshop... and in every other one. I never learn if it's some kind of feminist/identity plot... or just a new fad in pedagogy. In any case, it's annoying and a time waster.

The other two people in my group are women-- one white, one Oriental. They discuss ways that their images have been misused. I don't have much to say.

After the small groups, the academic talks some more. Some people exchange email addresses and facebook names. No one asks for mine. The seminar is over.

Okay, what's next?

I can't go to the Arab Women in Sports one. The notes say that it's only for people “who self-identify as Muslim.” That leaves me out.

Okay here's Femmes After the Apocalypse. Sounds cool, sissy boys after World War Three maybe. Who knows who I could pick up?... uh.. nope. Not that one either. The fine print: We respectfully ask that white allies do not attend. I guess I could go and say I'm NOT an ally but an adversary... but there's a fuck of a lot more of THEM than of ME.

Well, here's one. Hooeey, talk about up one's alley. It's Bromance: Sex in the Bois Room. It's about... it doesn't matter. It's a closed and confidential space QPOC only. In case you don't get it by now: Queer People of Color.

Racist and heterophobic... what the fuck?

What am I gonna do? Ah here's one... Erotica/Porn as a Tool for Social Justice. I read the description...the fine print... twice. White people are allowed. Even white men! I'm there!

But more on that one next month.

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003.

If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

-->Middle East Department: Let me get this straight. The US and Israel should invade Iran because they might make nuclear weapons and bring them into the Middle East. Hamas fires rockets at an Israeli Nuclear Weapons facility, which means Israel already has nuclear weapons, and has brought them into the Middle East. Does that mean the Iran and the US should attack Israel?

-->Wanna bet they won't fade from the NSA dept: A new email service allows you to send emails that fade away seconds after the recipient opens them. You just add fade.li to the end of an email address (e.g. god@mykelboard.com.fade.li) and the reader's version of the email will disappear.

Too bad they don't make an app where the reader herself fades away after opening the message. You computer geeks! Work on that!

-->Hometown Embarrassment Dept: The Long Island town of Old Westbury (right next to my hometown of Hicksville), may ban a statue by Damien Hirst called Virgin Mother. It's a visible-woman type sculpture, showing how a baby rests in its mom's womb. The reason for the ban? The statue shows the woman's nipples.

-->Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll. Send your comments-- to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL. Let me know how they answer.

-->And: I'm on a massive clean-up/divest kick. I'm giving away DVDs, cassettes, VHS videos, and a few CDs. Just pay separate shipping and handling. Details at: MykelsGiveaway

-end-

Eureka? You're Boring! (Column Meant for Street Carnage)

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ARE WE NOT MEN? Mykel Board's Post-MRR Column 11

YOU'RE STILL WRONG

POST MRR COLUMNS

Post MRR Column 11
“Are We Not Men?”

by Mykel Board

“To trust in men is itself to let oneself be killed a little.”-- Celine

Every guy worth his weight in foreskins knows that the best place to pick up girls is a homobar. Usually sitting on an empty bar stool, they'll be waiting to talk to you... to find out about your history... to mother you... to show you that girls are nothing to be afraid of... to show you that if you try it... you'll see it's not so bad.

You put on your I've-never-done-this-before-so-be-gentle-with-me face, and before you know it, you're at her place, listening to... (maybe), “You're so good. I can't believe you've never done this before.” or (more likely) “Don't worry. You'll learn. It takes time.”

I write this in the lobby of the McGreggor building at Detroit's Wayne State University. I'm here for the AMC (Allied Media Conference) The conference is NOT punk. It IS homo. A huge gay bar... waiting for me to confess I've-never-done-this before-so-be-gentle-with-me. NOT!

I can hardly talk to any of these people, let alone pick one up for a roll in the Haymarket. Conference attendees are so self-absorbed, insular and identity-based, it reminds me of of those Mens Liberation groups I've heard about... where the members get in a big circle, hug each other, and scream WE ARE MEN. WE ARE BROTHERS. WE ARE MEN. Oy vey!

I've come to Detroit with a second motive... a fantasy.... news reports of a deserted city... empty... cultureless... depopulated. After Clinton's NAFTA killed the American auto industry, there was nothing left. Kill City again... like the 70s... a blank slate... move here and you can do anything. If you fail, it won't cost you much to try again.

I have a (low-paying) job I like in NYC. I have a (tiny) cheap apartment. I have the freedom to take a (non-paid) week... month... year... off work and have a job when I return. As long as that remains, I'm not going anywhere. But what if it changes? If I lose my job, my apartment, my benefits, where'm I gonna go? Detroit?

FLASH TO THE LAGUARDIA AIRPORT: At the gate, I survey the waiting crowd. They look like anybody anywhere. More fat people than you'd see on a typical NYC street, but otherwise... no... there's one girl... dyed black hair... tattoos... skinny... Hoooeee! She might be on my flight. I walk over... take a seat as close as I can to the sexy girl. Close enough to read the Bob Dylan quote in her tattoo. I gave her my heart, she wanted my soul. Holy cow, lesbo too! I'm in love!

I'm wearing my THORAZINE t-shirt, the one where Alice holds a smoking gun... the white rabbit lying dead at her feet.

“I love your t-shirt,” this girl's gonna say. “I know Thorazine from Philly.” Those words will make me come.

Doesn't happen.

FLASH TO DETROIT: I've pick up my rental and am off to my couch-surfing hosts. I end up in a neighborhood someplace. The streets don't have lights, but the houses are big... like mansions... huge white columns... a historic district... next to Henry Ford's historic home. That's where my scummy couch-surfing hosts are. Huh?

More about the neighborhood-- and people later. I drop my bags off and go to meet Dennis, another couch-surfer... in the burbs. He's invited me to dinner with some friends.

Dennis sits in the back yard of his house... a suburban-looking place in a suburb whose name I forget. I pull into the driveway next to the back yard. He waves to me, but doesn't stand up. We shake hands. He's a man about my own age, short cropped gray hair, shorts and sandals.

“Sit down, Mykel,” he says. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Wachya got?” I ask.

“I got water, juice, may have a beer,” he says.

“A beer'd be great,” I tell him.

When he gets up, I see that he walks with a limp... stepping ahead with one leg and dragging the other behind. In a few minutes, he limps back with my first can of Michigan beer. [Aside: during this week I'll have a ton of Michigan beers. Not a bad one in the bunch. Two especially good ones, Nicie Spicie and Ghettoblaster, are better than The Beer Advocate says.]

“Glad you could make it,” he says, “and you're coming to dinner with my friends, right? My church friends... Unitarian Universalist... you saw the church in Detroit?”

“I passed it coming here,” I tell him. Maybe I'm telling the truth.

Detroit churches are so ubiquitous-- and so beautiful-- that I've been looking at them since I arrived. And I THINK I saw the Unitarian one.

After the beer: “Okay, let's go to my friend's house-- church brethren-- for dinner.”

FLASH TO THE LIVING ROOM OF THE SECOND SUBURBAN HOUSEHOLD: A half dozen of us around at table: Dennis, Me, the host/cook, a guy who looks like a truck driver-- baseball hat, beard, a fourth who looks like a TV sportscaster-- clean-cut as a Mormon, and one guy who looks slightly... off... a bit chubby... doesn't look at you... quiet... he rocks a bit when he's eating.

After dinner, we sit around a fire burning in a huge concrete cauldron in the back yard. The sun is just dipping into the horizon. Dennis starts talking , his face lit by the glow of the fire and the setting sun.

“My wife has done it again,” he says. “She's demanded that I stop having people over. She won't talk to my friends... Last week it was worse. She got out of the car... at a stoplight... she just opened the door and ran.”

The other guys shake their collective heads. Then, the next man speaks... the trucker.

“My wife has been treating me like dirt,” he says, and he continues to talk about his better half in a not better-half-friendly way.

One-by-one, the men talk. They talk about their wives... in one case a girlfriend... they complain... seek sympathy... get it. Eventually, it's my turn.

“I don't really know what to say,” I tell them, “I'm single. Never been married. I'm here for an Alternative Media Conference.”

“Why aren't you married, Mykel?” asks the host, a round-faced man with a farmer's tan and Alfred Hitchcock belly.

“Once in my life I asked a girl to marry me,” I answer. “She said no and immediately became a lesbian.”

Instead of the laughter that line usually brings, I get tsk-tsks and head shakes. The quiet, slightly-off guy looks at me. His eyes glisten. “I have two kids,” he says, “a daughter and a son. Both of them are gay. How do you figure it?”

“Tell us about the shirt,” the trucker says to me. “I know Thorazine... it's a drug. Had it forced on me in the hospital once. But I don't get the picture.”

“Thorazine is a band... from Philadelphia,” I tell him. “I like the picture. I figured I could wear it at this conference. It's got a slightly feminist message, you know?”

Silence.

The metaphorical speaking stick passes to the last guy in the circle... the Mormon. He talks about how he's forced to work two jobs to pay for what his wife spends “willy-nilly on whatever she wants.”

After he speaks, we stand. I figure we're leaving. I figure wrong.

“Mykel,” says Dennis, “come and join us.”

The group has formed a standing circle... arms over each other's shoulders.

“Together,” says Dennis, “WE ARE MEN. WE ARE BROTHERS. WE ARE MEN.”

We group hug. Then get into our individual cars and go off. I head back to downtown Detroit and my couch-surfed home.

ENDNOTES: [Contact: You can email me at god@mykelboard.com. For postal contact (send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else-- legal only!) write to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003 If you like my writing, I can tell you when anything new is available. (I also have a travel blog and some other stuff.) Join the MYKEL'S READERS YAHOO GROUP readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

-->Every little bit helps dept: Heeb Magazine reports that the GENESIS PRIZE, is given by a group of wealthy Jews to other Jews who “help inspire a new generation of Jewish leaders.” Last year, the $1,000,000 prize was given to: Michael Bloomberg... a billionaire 17 times over.

Yeah, that sure inspires!

-->War Crimes Dept: Anjolina Jouli has been active in convening a United Nations group to make it illegal to use rape or sexual violence as a weapon of war. She was joined in her activism by British foreign secretary, William Hague. The focus was punishing those “war criminals” guilty of sexual violence.

Hmmmm, seems to me, torture and murder are more important war crimes than sexual ones... but that would be helping when the victims are MEN. We wouldn't want that, would we... BROTHERS?

-->Thought Crimes Dept: A man in Olathe, Kansas, was prosecuted for possession of child pornography. He had pasted a photo of a young person's face onto a larger nude picture of an adult woman "with the intent to satisfy his sexual desires." The man was acquitted, but only because the judge could not determine beyond a reasonable doubt that the face in the picture was of a child under 18. Despite his acquittal, the court would not release the man's book of pictures of girls taken from legal catalogs and magazines, nor his diary which chronicled his dreams, including some of young girls.

-->Tit Crimes Dept: The Galveston, Texas City Council drafted an ordinance that would prohibit the baring of women's breasts, “real or in image.” The law would make it illegal to wear novelty vests embossed with bare breasts and asses, or tee shirts with photos or drawings of bare breasts or asses. City Attorney Barbara Roberts assured the City Council that a similar Fort Worth law had been constitutionally tested and upheld.

-->Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll. Send your comments-- to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL. Let me know how they answer.

-->And: I'm on a massive clean-up/divest kick. I'm giving away DVDs, cassettes, VHS videos, and a few CDs. Just pay separate shipping and handling. Details at: MykelsGiveaway

-end-

TRIBAL WAR! Mykel Board's Post-MRR Column 10

YOU'RE STILL WRONG

MYKEL BOARD'S POST MRR COLUMNS

POST MRR COLUMN NO. 10

by Mykel Board

The leftist ideologue, like the Christian bible thumper, is entirely evangelical-- she will not be satisfied until everyone who doesn't think like she does is either converted or jailed under hate crime legislation. – Jim Goad

The trouble with being a leftist-- or a rightist-- is that you soon discover so many people “on your side” are complete assholes. --Mykel Board

Fuck! I'm gonna die! I sit a the computer, typing these words. My stomach is killing me. Last night... a visit to Todd's Mill, a new bar in town. Now my body now seeks revenge... in spades. The even browner brown ale makes its way through my large intestine. I trace the path. I'm not even sure I'll be able to finish this sen.... Hang on!

Holy shit! That was great! I needed it.... and I shat an L-shaped turd! How is that possible? A turd cannot make a sudden turn? Look at it. Squeeze a tube of toothpaste. It may not squirt in a perfectly straight line, but a right angle? It defies logic. Can't happen! But there it is... in the toilet. A turd... from my own body... at right angles to itself. Plain as the stain on my fingertips. I flush before I think to take a picture (a selfie?). You'll just have to believe me... but how did it happen?

Flash to the 1980s: I write a column about the Toronto Anarchist Convention. At that convention, I'm annoyed by, among other things, a workshop called: Creating Spaces: for women only. How can you have an anarchist space “for women only?” It defies logic. Can't happen!

I scribble in a blank calendar spot: KLANARCHY: for whites only. In half an hour, my scribbling is x-ed off. In an hour, the whole calendar is down. My protest disappears like an L-shaped turd.

Flash to this year May: I've written elsewhere about an Oakland Anarchist bookfair. The editor of Anarchy Magazine calls for a burning of the churches. Okay, he's an anarchist. That's what they do.

“What about black churches?” comes a shout from the audience.

“Burn the black churches. Burn ALL the churches,” comes the response.

What happens? Volunteers for Qilombo, a black anarchist group, confront the editor and his pals. BAM! Out of the conference. LEAVE, NOW! Why?

“You said BURN THE BLACK CHURCHES! That makes you a racist.”

Two groups of anarchists. Both anti-government. At right angles, one group attacking the other-- becoming the cops they hate. It's like an L-shaped turd! Impossible.

But wait, there's more. In an amazing YouTube video, two groups of feminists demonstrate on campus. There's a march. Actually they're trying to start the march. It's not exactly clear what's happening, but they can't seem to get the thing started. They're shouting at each other.

“This march is for women only! Everyone needs their own space.”

“Why does women's space exclude trans-women? You're defining what women are...?”

“I'm not defining! I'm....”

And this is all at high-pitched screeching volume in those girl voices that are as annoying as-- and even more piercing than-- frat-boy guffaws. I bet it would be fun to watch on acid.... I haven't taken acid in 30 years.

Flash to: An anarchist conference in Portland Oregon, 2013. Not satisfied with their own space, Portland anarcha-femmes hold the whole conference hostage. In a presentation, they rise as a trained choir and shout together, 

“WE WILL NOT BE SILENT IN THE FACE OF YOUR VIOLENCE” 

They shout it over and over again. The speaker can't speak. She's silenced by the spoken mob violence of the protestors. Their totalitarianism blocks any communication... Government censorship is no more effective than this bunch.

And so it goes. Each sensitive group is so concerned about ITSELF. So ME! MY TRIBE! that it no longer matters what people believe... only what they ARE. Biology is destiny!

I'm a Person of Color^®. I'm a Womyn^®. I'm a Trans-Woman/Man/Am^®. I'm a fill-in-the-blank. You can't know what it's like. Jesus fuckin' christ!

I'm a Jew. I love matzo-ball soup, bagels, and the hora. Every Passover, I go to a Seder. Every Yom Kippur, I fast. BUT, I don't give a shit if YOU'RE NOT A JEW. You're welcome to matzo-ball soup, bagels, my Seder, fasting... and the hora. The synagogue may be Jew-space, but you can come in and join me there.

Why do we need tribal warfare? Why do we need space ONLY FOR US? It's a cheap version of the whites-only country clubs. Who needs it?

Enough ME, already. It's a staple of the right. Margaret Thatcher once famously said, “There is no society” ONLY ME! 

Leftist identilovers say “there is no society” ONLY MY TRIBE. Who needs it? I don't need to be defined by the lack of foreskin on my penis. Poverty, economic inequality, the erosion of personal freedom, these are not ME issues! They are WE issues.

Flash to Punk Rock: Ratos de Porao are in New York for the first time in more than a decade. Yowsah! They're playing at a Latino metal / punk fest in Queens. White metal, Latino metal (that is, white metal with finer asses), white punk, and RATOS! You're too young to remember when Brazilian hardcore was king of the world. Think Ohlo Seco and Colera. Ratos was part of that.

I'm late to the show. I had to teach until 9 and it was a long subway ride. I walk from the subway to the club in Queens. Esneider lives around here, maybe he'll be at the show. That building ahead. BLACKTHORN, it says on the awning. The whole building is black. Outside are a bunch of Hispanic guys-- my size, long hair, wearing black. This must be the place.

Gilberto waits for me outside.

“Ola Mykel,” he says, “you're three hours late. You become Mexican or something?”

Wiseguy.

I walk in, grab a beer at the bar. On stage is a bouncer. A big white guy, with a bigger belly. He's pyramid-shapped. Not aggressive, just standing there... dull eyed. He's got the heavy-lidded, hung-lipped look of someone whose numchucks are more numb than chucked.

Also on stage is DRIVEN MAD. It's a metal band. I don't like metal... The band is all long-hairs except for the singer. Shaved head, he looks a fuck of a lot like Ben Weasel. He sounds like Jello Biafra would, if someone were squeezing his balls. 

And he's all over the place. KABLU! He leaps from the stage to the bar. Pole dancing like those guys on the subway. Then SPLOW! On the floor... this way... that way... confronting... and loving... the audience at the same time. The crowd is eating it up. They should be. This guy is great. This band is great. The best thing I've seen in ages. This isn't metal. It's... It's... Then it hits me. IT DOESN'T MATTER!

Between songs, he speaks... in Spanish. It's school Spanish, as formal as in Spain, but he speaks to the Latino crowd IN SPANISH... becoming WE instead of ME! I'm in love!

There's a bigger pit for the next band. The singer stays on stage, so the crowd makes the action instead. I move toward the back as the mosh pit grows. Most of the audience is Hispanics. That means they're more my size. Who can I stand behind? A five foot four inch guy doesn't make much of a shield for a five foot three-inch guy.

The adrenaline is rushing. A girl, skinny, wearing leather pants and a tight tank top, pushes her way through the crowd to the pit. That's what I like to see. Girls in the pit. 

But... she's got something to prove. Not only is she smashing her fellow dancers, she's slamming into the audience, pushing random people, throwing them down, not giving a fuck. She pushes me. I punch her in the stomach. A karate chop... kung fu actually. THWAP. Not thinking... just a split second reaction. I feel her tight abdomen against the side of my hand. She doesn't blink an eye. I wait for the delayed reaction... a subtle hand rubbing the offended part. Nothing. I'm disappointed... or relieved.

Ah, the sound booth. Just three steps up, but those three steps give me just the boost I need. I can see... be slightly above the crowd, and in relatively safety. I climb two steps and stand next to a door that says PLEASE DON'T LEAN ON THE DOOR. I don't lean on the door.

A prissy skinny guy with a blond beard and tight black jeans pushes past me. I step down to let him enter the booth. The band plays. It's more heavy metal, and I'm lovin' it. The prissy guy returns and glares at me. Doesn't say a word. I smile.

“Move!” he says.

I step down. He enters the sound booth. I go back on the stairs. The pit looks more violent now. Some meatheads, fists swinging, looking for trouble. They're banging into other meatheads. Those meatheads bang back. There's gonna be a fight.. a big brawl between these guys. I can see it. One of 'em is down. Here comes the boot to the head... Nope... Another guy bends toward him... helps him up... They hug... laugh... Best pals in the world... Holy shit!

The door of the sound booth opens. Prissy boy whacks it hard against me.

“Look,” he says through gritted teeth, “you can't stand there. Can't you read the sign?”

He points to the DO NOT LEAN sign.

“I think so,” I tell him. He tsks loudly and goes out. He's soon back and I jump off the stairs to accommodate him. In a few seconds, a monster white guy appears. Tree-trunk muscles, shaved head, tight black t-shirt that should,--but doesn't-- say DON'T YOU DARE FUCK WITH ME. He stands at the top of the stairs, so I can't.

I get it. Our bearded whiteguy told SECURITY about what a trouble maker I was. So, instead of a 5'3” old Jewish guy on the stairs, there's a 9 foot monster on the stairs. Yeah, that helps the situation... makes a clear passage. I go for another beer, return and stand right next to the staircase. The monster glares at me. I smile. 

Before long, the monster leaves for the men's room. Can I do it? I press in my stomach muscles. Push the fingers of my right hand against my tonue. YES!!! I puke on the stairs. Then I move up to the side of the stage.

I stand next to a colored bouncer, at the edge of the stage. Ratos are on now. And things are gonna get even better. The first few songs are fun, kind of speed metal punk... hardcore with a lot of mugging from Gordo, the singer, who must be almost as old as I am. The crowd is wild. The band is having a great time. I return with another beer.

Fuck, the same girl I chopped in the stomach is at it again. PLOW! She's on stage... throwing her arms around... hip-smashing Estevan. the new guitar player. He's only trying to remember his chords. She's an asshole. No way around that. POW! Security is up. there. First the white guy-- the nine foot tall macho booth protector. He grabs her by the hair... pulls... drags her to the side.

POW TWO! Her boyfriend, long hair... skinnier than most... leather jacket. He shoulders through the crowd and leaps over the barrier onto the stage. KABLAM! He lands one on the bouncer's neck... a fist... not a karate chop. STABOOM! The black bouncer standing next to me is on the stage... and the retarded white guy is in the middle of it... fending off blows while the black guy punches back. Then the other white guy... the macho one... sent by the sound crew to protect them from me... gets in the action.

The band stops. Shouts of MATA LOS something-or-other rise from the crowd. PANIC. People run toward the door, t-shirts over their noses. Why? I don't... shit... I'm dripping snot... not dripping... flowing, snot puddles down my mustache, soaking my beard like twat juice from a squirter. My eyes burn. Fuck, they maced the crowd. The bouncers sprayed everyone. Show's over, I'm getting out of here.

Gilberto grabs my shoulder, pulling me like a dad trying to save his drowning son... into the entrance... to the front door. The door glass is smashed. The outside gate is down... over the glass... KABLOW, something smashes into that gate. It bulges but does not break. We're frantic... looking for a way out. There is an exit... with an emergency PUSH HERE handle... one way... like at a bank ATM. We're on it. WEEEE-EEEE-EEE WEEE-EEEE-EEE. The alarm? A police siren? No time to check. We're outta there.

Flash to the next day: Gilberto and I are off to see R-Tronika at ABC NO RIO. Who should be at the door waiting to collect my 8 dollars? Esneider!

“What happened to you last night?” I ask. “I thought you'd be at the Ratos show. Let me tell you about it!”

“I've already seen it,” he says. “It was on YouTube last night.”

“Why weren't you there?” I ask.

“That's a heavy metal place,” he says. “Not my thing... by the way, what color were the bouncers?”

“Black and white,” I tell him.

He shakes his head. “That always happens. Black and white guys don't get Latinos. They think there's violence. Then they MAKE the violence.”

Yo, he's right and wrong.

Wrong: musical correctness, making THIS kind of music okay and THAT kind of music “not my thing.” Before yesterday, I thought that way too. I learned. Maybe I knew all along. In Mexico, or Guyana, or Estonia, I saw folk music with speed metal with pop punk. Sometimes all from the same band. “I like the music,” rather than I AM A PUNK ROCKER. No one gives a fuck what you are!

Right: Sometimes race can make a difference. If those bouncers were Hispanic, the riot wudda never happened. The shithead girl would have been grabbed, lifted over the barrier, and gone back into the crowd. Maybe someone else would have punched her. 

So my ME vs WE thesis has a hole, as does every generalization. Sometimes race is important. It's certainly worth considering to preserve the peace. You wouldn't hire a black guard to frisk under the sheets at a Klan rally. We can bend identity... use it... but we don't need to be trapped by it. Ruled by it. So here's my conclusion.

We need more I LIKE than I AM. We need more, LET'S WORK AS PEOPLE, than LET'S WORK AS (Blacks, Women, Transsexuals, Latinos, Jews, Muslims, Whites, blah blah blah). Narrow identity destroys HUMAN identity.

English has two kinds of WE: the INCLUSIVE-- you and me-- like we need to end hunger in America. There's also the EXCLUSIVE WE-- me and my group-- like we need our own space. That means This is not YOUR space. We (inclusive) need more of the former and a fuck of a lot less of we (exclusive).

I'll be in Detroit in June. It's the Alternative Media Conference. The workshops will sewers of identitute. Some examples?

• POC-led Healing and Organizing Strategies
• Smashing Assumptions: Muslimahs in Sport
• Black Femme Blogger Meet-Up (I shit you not)

and my favorite: Creative Digestion for People of Color (I L-shaped-turd-double-shit-you -not.) That one includes this description: In this caucus we will reclaim the dirtiest parts of ourselves, and explore how cleanliness and hierarchies of fluids stem from colonialism, capitalism, and ableism. We will also discuss how the white supremacist capitalist food system affects our relationships with eating, fucking, and excretion. Come prepared to make art, share stories, and get messy. This is a POC-only space.

Uh oh, looks like I'm going to have to bring my calendar-scribbling pen: CREATIVE EXCRETION FOR WHITE JEWS. This is an OJF (Old Jewish Farts)-only space. I'll let you know what happens.

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on Facebook or by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

-->I'd like to pull the trigger dept: Wellesley Students have petitioned the university to remove a statue of a sleepwalking man in his underwear. The reason? It may “trigger unpleasant memories.” This is related to a series of demands for “trigger warnings” on course material or other college things “that might cause strong emotional reactions among students.”

Jeezus! It was 20 long years ago when we fought the PMRC to take warning labels OFF of music because it had a chilling effect, causing bands to change lyrics and record companies to change covers to avoid the label. Now, we want to put warning labels on TOM SAWYER because someone might be offended by the word Nigger! Grow up!

-->Old news dept: Further on the NOT JUST GOVERNMENTS CENSOR front: Yale University Press will remove all images of Mohammed from The Cartoons that Shook the World. A press spokesman said the images were removed to prevent possible violence “somewhere in the world.” Maybe they should have just put a trigger warning on the book.

-->Keeping the pressure on dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a Bring Back Mykel concerted effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll. He forwarded me an answer to a letter MRR printed where the editors excuse my firing not as censorship, but because I “refuse to answer letters in the letters section.”

That is not true. I only asked that I be allowed to say I don't LIKE to answer letters in the letters section. It's unfair to the letter-writer for the columnist to always get the last word. If MRR demands I answer there, I will. So here, in ones and zeroes, I'm publicly agreeing to abide by their rules. Their excuse for censoring me disappears.

I hope you'll cut and paste the paragraph above into an email. (Thanks to those who've already done that) Send it-- along with your comments-- to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL. Let me know how they answer.

-->And I almost forgot. I'm on a massive clean-up/divest kick. I'm giving away DVDs, Cassettes, VHS videos, and a few CDs. Just pay separate shipping and handling. Details at: MykelsGiveaway