The End of Homosexuality As We Know It or Mykel Board's Post MRR Column no. 31

Mykel's

Post MRR Column no 32

Why is it socially acceptable - as a form of entertainment - for men to put on dresses, make up and high heels and act out every offensive stereotype of women (bitchy, catty, dumb, slutty, etc.) -- but it is not socially acceptable -- as a form of entertainment - for a white person to put on blackface and act out offensive stereotypes of African Americans? --Mary Cheney, lesbian daughter of former Vice President Dick Cheney.

The End of Homosexuality As We Know It

by Mykel Board

It was a new LOH point... Late Onset Hangover... you know: you wake up. Everything's hunky dory... you la-dee-da through morning coffee, jerk off to old videos of yourself with the one who didn't get away, then POW! Headache... a feeling in your stomach like a greasy pork chop... every cough turns into a multicolored splotch on your sheets... Yesterday's dinner... dripping through your nose... gagging... groaning. You just know a neighbor is going to be pounding on the door... “Are you alright?”

Fuck! I promised myself I'd go to the gym today. I'm old. If I don't dance on some treadmill, I'll get a heart attack. If I don't pump some cables and chains, I'll get waddles. Ok, one last trip to the porcelain goddess. Then I go! It'll feel so good. Yeah, right.

I stumble into the locker room and head for a corner... a little cranny far from the main lockerfolks. I'm in no condition to put up with the sideways glances and smug chuckles that usually accompany my undressing. When I have my pants down to my knees, I notice someone standing just two lockers down. A chisel chinned young man with a smooth-- yet six-packless-- abdomen. Trying to keep my eyes front, I fail. Jeezus, this guy is smaller than me. His rutabaga doesn't even make it out of the pubes. Nothing.....

Then I see it. The crack, the folded skin, the elongated Y. Yes! This guy has a TWAT! You heard that right: a cunt, a pussy. Yes, I'm talking a hairy taco, a snatch, a beaver, a muff. 

 

Here, in the men's locker room. Next to me. I'm talking a slit, a box, a pud. I'm talking the first results of a citywide law prohibiting discrimination on “gender identification.” Hoooey!

FLASH TO THEORY: America is a homosexual society. Not the most homosexual of societies, but a lot homo-er than many. In Finland, for example, you're invited to the home of a casual acquaintance... WOMP! There you are, naked with the whole family... in the sauna... beating your new friend's naked parents with birch branches. Dangly parts shaking to each thwack.

“Have a drink?” asks your hostess, her pert breasts, breast-like in the soft sauna light.

In Finnish, they use the same pronoun, Hän, for both sexes. Talk about gender equality! Maybe it's related to Sauna culture... the ease of nudity. (Interestingly enough, in Japan, they hardly ever use pronouns at all-- Just the verb, thank you. And, until the Americans forced a separation after WWII, the Japanese traditionally bathed gender mixed in outdoor hot springs.)

In America, we have separate pronouns for men and women... and separate restrooms. At gyms, at public pools, in schools, we have different locker rooms: MEN and WOMEN each sex homo-ed with itself.

Go to a bowling alley, a bar, a football game... you see homotude up the wazoo. Boys’ night out or the girls just getting together. Guys hanging with each other, har-har-ing at talk about girls, but not actually mixing with girls. Girls chat or engage in screamfests-- with each other-- a homosexual world. The only time people spend in each other's company is either some part of the mating ritual... or the actual mating itself. Otherwise, it's homo, homo, homo.

Wait a minute, Mykel!

Who the fuck are you? And why are you using that font? You think you're God or something?

Stop playing games, Mykel. You know me. I AM God.

God? What the fuck are you doing in my column? Can't you leave me alone for once?

Mykel, Mykel, Mykel. I'm am GOD! Remember? I don't leave anyone alone.

I concede.

“Okay,” I say. “What do you want this time?”

I'm just butting in to remind you. You're forgetting someone... some ones actually.

“What are you talking about?” I ask.

Gay men, says God, I'm talking about gay men. Their best friends are girls. They go shopping with girls. They talk about cooking with girls. They hang out with girls. The only time they hang out with guys is in the mating ritual... or in the actual mating itself.

“Hey,” I say, “you're stealing my lines.”

God laughs... a terrifyingly awful... dare I say satanic... laugh.

But when God's right, God's right.

“When you're right, you're right,” I say. “The only people in American who are not homosexual are gay men.”

But the trannie laws could change all that. They could destroy homosexual society as we know it.

FLASH TO THE CARMINE ST. PUBLIC POOL, WOMEN'S LOCKER ROOM 2016: Little Ashley Goldstein is there for the first time. Her mom, Bethany, took a floor tier locker so she could be right next to her daughter. Ashley, ever the curious kindergartner, can't take her eyes off all the naked people.

“Mommy,” she asks, pointing, “when I grow up will I have hair down there like that lady?”

“Shhhhh,” says Bethany, grabbing her daughter's finger, and curling it from a point to a fist. “It isn't polite to point.”

“But will I mommy... will I?”

“Keep your voice down,” says Bethany. “You'll embarrass people... And yes, you'll have hair down there too.”

“And will I have big breasts, like that woman?” asks little Ashley... again pointing.

“Don't point!” says Mom. “And it's different for every girl, but you will develop. We talked about that. That's what happens to girls. When you get to the right age we'll talk about it some more.”

“And will I have those round, hanging things... and a floppy?” ask Ashley. “Like that lady?”

Bethany looks up, startled. A scream catches in her throat.

“That's a man,” she whispers.

No it's not and... Welcome to 2016!

What's a man anyway? Who decides?

I say, it's like buying a car.

“I only buy Ford products,” you say. “I buy American.”

“Stuff your Mexican-made Ford up your chocolate starfish,” I reply. “My Honda comes from Alabama.”

An American Car has no meaning-- no relationship to its place of origin or the nationality of those who put on its fenders. An American Car is anything it wants to be.

The word MAN will lose itself the same way. No relation to the glands between your legs or the glans that covers them. WOMAN will be a label pasted on whoever wants to wear it. Why have Men's or Women's locker rooms? Why enforce homosexuality in a world that's quickly losing it?

FLASH TO A LOCKER ROOM 2025. In 2025, there's only ONE locker room-- for everybody.

Same scenario up to:

“And will I have big breasts, like that woman?” asks little Ashley... again pointing.

“Don't point!” says Mom. “And it's different for every girl, but you will develop.... We talked about that. That's what happens to girls. When you get to the right age we'll talk about it some more.”

“And will I have those round, hanging things... and a floppy?” ask Ashley. “Like that lady?”

“It's up to you,” says Mom. “If you're grown up and decide you want them... you can have them. Some girls do and some girls don't.”

“How will I know?” asks Ashley.

“You'll know,” explains Mom. “When it's time, you'll know.”

Get it? It'll be the end of homosexuality. No more men's or lady's restrooms. No more men's or lady's locker rooms. At the beach, toplessness... for everybody. Who knows? Maybe the whole shebang... for everyone!

People will chose their friends, social partners and their sex partners on types, characteristics, personality, hair color. Homosexuality will disappear because homo will disappear. Too bad I won't be around to see it. Sounds like fun.

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

-->It was in the cards dept: Livingston Parish (county) in Louisiana has repealed a law prohibiting "fortunetelling and soothsaying." The ordinance was challenged by local resident Cliff Eakin, a Wiccan who believed the ban violated his religious freedom. Talking about the future... and foretelling the future are an integral part of the Wiccan religion.

A Louisiana district judge agreed, saying the law was “unconstitutionally vague.”

I predict we haven't seen the end of this case.

-->Another prediction dept: I write this the day after the Brussels attack. And here's my soothsaying:

Prediction: After Brussels, instead of learning a lesson... NATO will harden its line, kill more people, make more terrorists and this will happen again and again. This is NOT a war where you can go to a country and just drop drones on people. Those people are living next door. Are you going to drone yourself? The proper response to killing people is to STOP killing people. The only ones who benefit from all this are the drone-makers. We never learn.

-->Two for the price of truth dept: The Cincinnati Municipal Zoo cut ties with a "creationist museum" in nearby Kentucky. The original plan was to offer two-for-the-price-of-one tickets to special Christmas shows at each venue. The deal was stopped in response to a boycott and facebook campaign against the zoo. The two-ticket plan lasted for exactly three days.

Of course, the creationist president was pissed off.

“It’s a pity that intolerant people have pushed for our expulsion simply because of our Christian faith,” he said.

No word if the museum will now seek ties with the Louisiana Wiccans.

-->Y tu madre tambien dept: According to TheGuardian.com, the US now has the second-highest number of Spanish speakers in the world, nearly 53 million of 'em. Spain, by the way, has a population of 46 million. So we've got 'em beat.

Colombia is third with 48 million. Mexico, of course, is first with 121 million gente... all of whom are welcome to sleep on my floor... and many of whom have already done so.

-->God finally gets some dept: The credit rating company Equifax is finally recognizing God. God Gazarov of Brooklyn, that is. The guy fought with the company for five years, but it refused to include his name in its database. They probably thought it was religiously offensive.

Finally, the money giant relented and now God can take out a loan and get a credit card like everybody else. Mazel Tov!

-->Too Political dept: Zazzle.com, an internet retailer, sells, among other things "custom postage." It's a service that allows customers to design their own stamps-- usable in the U.S. mail.

"Cruz for President 2016," has been, unfortunately, a popular one. But we gotta respect them. After all, free speech is free speech, right?

Yeah, right.

An anti-corporate stamp was designed by artist Anatol Zukerman. It said, "Democracy Is Not for Sale." It was rejected by Zazzle.
The reason? "It's too political.”

--> Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for censoring me.

As their revolving editrixes move on to commercial ventures, each blames her predecessors for my demise... as if they had no control over the business... and couldn't simply invite me back.

Send your comments to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com (or post on their facebook page) with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.

-end-

Why I Likely WON'T Vote for Trump (REVISION)

The original posting is below this addenda:

RETHINKING TRUMP

I'm rethinking Trump. Especially thanks to Frank Episale and a bit too toTony Autoharp Arena. Though I could never vote for someone as crass and patently corporate prostitute as Hillary Clinton... I'm no longer convinced that my "message vote" for Trump would be correctly interpreted.

I'm still hoping Trump will destroy the Republicans, but I think he has to do it AS a Republican, in the primaries. I'll most likely go back to my original plan and vote Jew (Jill Stein or Sid Yiddish) on election day. Voting GREEN tells the DEMOCRATS that some of us won't stand for Republican-in-Democratic-clothes nominations. That message is much clearer with a Green vote than with a Trump vote.

Why I'll Likely Be Voting for Donald Trump

1. I'm a Bernie Sanders supporter... a socialist. Bernie is the best thing that has happened to American politics since Eugene McCarthy... (probably before you were born). I support Sanders because I agree with him on just about every issue. I support him because he speaks for an America that hasn't been heard. Because he isn't and can't be bought by the superPacs, by the banks, by Wall Street, by the Pharmaceutical Industry, by the corporations government is supposed to regulate. I support Sanders because his vision can blast the corporatocracy to smithereens.
2. If Sanders is not nominated. I will vote for Donald Trump.

I don't (semi-) support Trump for his racism. I support him because, like Sanders, he gets no money from superPacs. I support him because, like Sanders, he's outside the neo-Conservative/Liberal spectrum that has been running the US since Reagan. I support him because he, like Sanders, wants to change the slave-wage jobs shipped to China to Union Wage jobs in America.

Trump is defying the Republican propaganda about globalism, and the evils of Russia. He is fighting Wall Street and the Big Banks... and by so doing, he is taking the average working-class American away from traditional Republican gibberish about “small government” and the joys of International Corporatism. Trump's anti-immigrant rhetoric catches those who've been tricked into traditional Republicanism and teaches them a bit about how the world really works.

The Republicans are teetering on the edge. Time Magazine (as reported in November Issue of THE PROGRESSIVE) reports that "less than 32 percent of the country has a favorable view of the Republican Party, including just 68 percent of people who call themselves Republicans.”

Poor white Americans vote against their own interests because of Republican anti-immigration, anti-Islam rhetoric. Trump is using the same rhetoric... in an even more extreme version... to turn those same white voters back to their real interests. There is a reason Karl Rove is so strongly anti-Trump and it isn't the racism.

Republicans are scared that. Trump has already turned off FOX News in the homes of thousands of working Americans. Traditional Republican rightwing magazine, The National Review thinks a Trump candidacy-- let alone a Trump presidency-- will destroy the Republican Party. If Sanders doesn't win, I'm voting for Trump because I think in this rare case, The National Review is right.

--Mykel Board

Mykel Through the Looking Glass or Mykel Board's Post MRR Column no. 30

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FEEL GOOD RACISM or Mykel's Post MRR Column no. 29

So this English teacher walks into a bar. “Give me an Anchor Christmas ale,” he says to the bartender.

“We don't got no Anchor Christmas,” says the bartender.

“Then you have some,” corrects the teacher. “Two negatives make a positive.”

“So two positives make a negative?” asks the bartender.

“No,” says the English teacher, “two positives do not make a negative.”

“Yeah right,” says the bartender.

Mykel's

Post MRR Column no 29

Feel-good Racism

by Mykel Board

My prostate is killing me. It's like at the gym. You work a muscle too much... the next day: You pay in pain. You know those machines where you spread your legs against some weights to strengthen your outside thigh muscles? Then, on another machine, you press your legs together to strengthen your inside thigh muscles.

I figured I'd be much better at spreading my legs than keeping them together... like in real life. But in real GYM life, I can take more weight on the inside. What a surprise! Post-exercize, though, the inside hurts more.

My recent prostate exercise... now causing me pain... resulted from exactly the right combination of search terms in the xvideos search box: “18” “ethnic” “orgy.” BOING! Bring on the pain.

After I mop up, I flip from the PRIVATE internet window to CNN. BANG! Yet another cop-goes-free case... no charges. A 12-year old boy... just a kid... shot to death... without warning... for playing with a toy gun. #blacklivesmatter Yeah, right.

Predictably, liberals are outraged. Conservatives say “It looks like a real gun and anyway ALL LIVES MATTER.” Cleveland stays calm. Unlike in Baltimore and Ferguson, there is no price to pay for killing someone black... at least not in Cleveland.

In Texas, however, conservatives are outraged that someone kills-- or tries to kill-- a cop for “no reason” other than he's a cop. No reason? He's a cop. That's reason enough. Cops don't go to jail in America, so people use other methods. Eye-for-an-eye, ya know?

FLASH TO THEORY: It is an American cliché that business (aka FREE ENTERPRISE) is the way out of poverty. Take Steve Jobs... please. Hipsters blow an internet bubble making themselves rich... THE AMERICAN WAY. Yeah, right. These guys did not start out poor! They had money... education... computers. They did not get rich. They got RICHER.

There are only two ways for poor people... especially poor colored people... to become rich in America: Entertainment-- and its fuck-buddy, Sports: colored folks put on shows for white folks and get paid for it... paid a lot. See a rich Negro and you can bet s/he's in SHOW BIZ!

Liberals and conservatives alike complain about how sportsmen and actors make too much money! “They don't DO anything!” Unlike bankers who shift numbers in computers and steal people's savings, entertainers don't deserve what they get.

Get it? The tip of the glans peeks through the foreskin... see it?

MORE THEORY: A great debate foments among those few Americas smarter than a pig rectum. In the land of the highest prison population in the world-- the debate is about the purpose of prisons. There are three camps in the discussion:

a prison cell in Sweden

It's like a dorm room. A simple bed, bookcase, TV, some internet access. No bars on the windows... open doors... You walk in and out as you please. You could easily mistake a cell in a Swedish prison, for a dorm room at most any college campus.

Some Americans say prisons are to correct criminal behavior. People commit crimes for economic, (lack of) education, psychological, emotional, or political reasons... or simply because it's the only job they know. The purpose of prison is to eliminate those reasons. Supporters of the correctional idea want prisoners to learn skills, socialize, learn how to become integrated non-criminal members of society. In Sweden, where prisoners live better than poor people in the US... former prisoners rarely return to prison when they're released. In fact, the country has been closing prisons because they don't need them.

Despite the name correctional facilities, the U.S. prison system is a system of punishment.

Most U.S. prisoners return to prison soon after being released. The punishment system just doesn't work. Liberals (including me) believe correction is the proper function of prisons.

FLASH TO SAUDI ARABIA: A posse of cops brings a thief into the public square. Crowds jostle each other to get a view. A large table is set in the middle of the square. The cops drag the thief to the table and press hard on his shoulders until he kneels. One cop grabs a hand and stretches it along the wooden surface. Another cop takes a knife... more like a saw. GUILTY OF THEFT IN THE FIRST DEGREE!

AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!

The knife has sawed through the skin... the muscle... the bones... from one side to another. Viewers gasp. Off comes the hand. The man faints from the pain and loss of blood. The public takes iPhone pictures. Let people learn what will happen to them if they steal a loaf of bread... or a diamond broach. Want to eliminate crime? Make it scary to commit crime.

This second group of Americans believes that prisons should be a deterrent. The consequences should be painful and ugly... like the hands-chopped-off-for-stealing justice of Saudi Arabia. They believe the more horrible the prison conditions, the more scared the public and the fewer crimes committed. This may work in Saudi Arabia. It has not worked in the U.S. where prisoners subject to torturous conditions are released only to commit more crimes. They're caught again, subject to more torturous conditions... released again to commit more crimes... you know the story. Most conservatives, however, believe DETERRENT is the proper function of prisons. 

NOTE: The U.S. prison system has an added bonus for conservatives. Prisoners convicted of a felony lose the right to vote... forever. They can never have a say in their own political lives. In relation to the population, a much higher percentage of prisoners are Negroes... so prisons perform the additional function of keeping colored people out of voting booths.

FLASH TO AMERICA: Sammy wrote an internet message... said he was going to move to Syria to fight with ISIS... get him! He deserves punishment for talking to people who want to hurt Americans. Do something awful to him. Cut his balls off. Rioters? Put 'em in jail! Colored thieves and drug users? Lock 'em up! Conservatives love REVENGE

Bernie Madoff! Why that bastard! He took the hard earned money from hundreds of homeowners... and used it to buy a fuckin' Ferrari! Kill the guy! Cut his balls off. He deserves punishment for hurting people. Do something awful to him. Killer Cops? Put 'em in jail! Liberals love REVENGE.

Everybody believes that prisons should be a form of revenge! A biblical eye-for-an-eye. A person who commits a crime should PAY for that crime with some horrible retribution in the form of prison. You hurt me, the government (or society) will hurt you. How angry are liberals when Citibankers get off with NO JAIL TIME! No penalty... only Daddy Citibank paying their fines for them? How angry are conservatives when “welfare cheats” get no jail time... and continue to get enough money to (barely) live, even after their cheating is exposed?

This REVENGE prison is the special province of liberals when it comes to Negroes. It is the only socially (liberal society) acceptable way to be a racist.

FLASH TO LATE LAST CENTURY: What was the trial of the century? Was it Bill Clinton's impeachment trial? Was it the trial of the Chicago 7 after the 1968 Democratic Convention? Was it the Scopes evolution trial? Yeah right.

It was the Las Vegas trial of a Negro celebrity, OJ Simpson, for killing a white lady. And more than that, even though the guy was found INNOCENT... he was hounded and followed and driven until there was SOMETHING he could be jailed for. All those nice liberals, who tsk tsked the killing of an unarmed black guy in Ferguson,or a 12 year old in Cleveland, cheered when the colored football player went to jail.

The battered sports star was only trying to retrieve stolen property. He violated no one... didn't touch a soul... No violence... No one was hurt! Yet he got NINE YEARS in jail!

This is the way NBC news reported OJ's sentencing for armed robbery... really a sentencing for murder... that the blood-thirsty public didn't get earlier:

A weary and beaten-looking O.J. Simpson was put away Friday for at least nine years — and perhaps the rest of his life — for an armed robbery in a hotel room, bringing a measure of satisfaction to those who believed the football star got away with murder more than a decade ago.

Yeah, we had a colored guy... a rich colored guy... an uppity colored guy... who was accused of killing a white... very white... very pretty... girl. In the South a hundred years ago, there would have been a lynching.

In Las Vegas, the lynching was via Judge... but no less a lynching.

But wait, there's more:

Take Bill Cosby... another uppity rich colored guy. I don't know the race of his 57 accusers... my guess is it's a mix... with a lot of white girls. Of course, they smell money... that lawsuit... decades after the “fact”... will pay for a lot of retirement vacations.

In most states, the rape statute of limitations is long over. Only in Pennsylvania could they find a place for their revenge. So they went to Pennsylvania.

And how do my fellow liberals react?

“Go get him! Put him behind bars. Give him the lynching he deserves.”

Bill Clinton used power rather than Benadryl as his agent of seduction. Otherwise it was the same “crime” as Cosby's. Liberals love Clinton... think he got a raw deal in the impeachment. Get it?

Am I saying that anyone who thinks Bill Cosby should go to jail is a racist? Do I believe that those who get a not-so-secret joy from seeing the old man appear before a judge are all racist? Do I really think that O.J. Simpson was persecuted for his race rather than his crimes?

Yes! That's exactly what I think. I'll make it plainer. Bill Cosby and OJ Simpson are the acceptable face of racism. They let liberals express their inner racist without the reproach of fellow liberals.

The “victims” were women. That makes it easy. Since Birth of A Nation, it's been okay to lynch colored people if their victims are women. They're not being lynched for their race, but for their deeds, right? Yeah right.

“We can sympathize with you as long as you stay poor and helpless... just don't get uppity. Don't earn more than you deserve. Don't get rich or stick out. We gotta set some examples... like cutting hands off in public squares.”

You can see the whole crew of liberals... cheering the persecutions of Cosby and Simpson. They'll tell you how much they care. How #blacklivesmatter. Their prostates (if they have them) are as pure and white and painless as freshly fallen snow. Yeah right.

-end-

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

→ Taking Baby from a Candie dept: The Candie Foundation “is a non-profit foundation whose mission is to prevent teenage pregnancy through educational campaigns.” Their abstinence ambassador has been paid over $260,000. That ambassador is Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin. And, oh yeah, Bristol, an unmarried mom since 2008, just had her second child. And, no, she STILL isn't married.

→ Tax cuts... well okay for rich people dept: The Week Magazine reports that Republican lawmakers in Kansas have approved the largest tax increase in the state's history to close a $400 million budget deficit. The deficit was caused by the Republican's income tax cutting. The new taxes raise cigarette, and sales taxes. The new taxes will also cause the state's poorest 20% to pay 1.5% more taxes than they did in 2012. The richest will pay 1.9% less.

-->Great idea dept: Business owners in Gaspe Quebec will accept 10 and 20 dollar bills cut in half. (As 5 and 10 dollars). Since no one else accepts these half bills, the locals can ensure the money stays local and doesn't go into some nasty bank coffers somewhere in New York. The Bank of Canada says the practice is not illegal, but is, somehow, “unpatriotic.”

        I say, “Yeah! Right!”

→ Wet pantslegs dept: The city of San Francisco has begun using a special paint near bars and areas “frequented by the homeless.” The paint is piss-repellant. It splashes the yellow stream back at the streamer, soaking his socks and pants.

The problem? The REAL reason people piss in public! There is no place else to go! Instead of punishing the victim, why not build some bathrooms? Or better still, change the law... make EVERY bar bathroom, a public bathroom.

       Naw, people pissing on themselves is much more fun, right? Yeah, right.

→ Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for censoring me.

      As their revolving editrixes move on to commercial ventures, each blames her predecessors for my demise... as if they had no control over the business... and couldn't simply invite me back.

     Send your comments to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com (or post on their facebook page) with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.

-end-

The Only Good Thing or Mykel's Post-MRR Blog #28

Mykel's

Post MRR Column #28

The Only Good Thing

by Mykel Board

Imagine a country whose foundation is subjugation... a country where slaves are written into the constitution... officially “3/5 human.”

Imagine a country whose national anthem talks about bombs and rockets... where citizens trust God and not each other.

Imagine a country that holds more of the world's prison population than any other... most of the prisoners descended from slaves... Where jail terms never end... where the right to vote is permanently taken away... your debt to society can never be paid... You are always a slave.

Imagine a country whose people are so stupid that they can't find their neighboring countries on a map... where more people know the names of movie stars than scientists or philosophers... where people have more guns than passports.

Imagine a country where students aren't challenged to think. Where they're warned about “upsetting ideas” and can opt-out of learning. Where “education” has nothing to do with learning, but is only a means to a job where you work to make other people rich.

Imagine a country where the top 1% owns more than the bottom 90%... where huge, greedy corporations pay NO taxes. Where the answer to any violation of corporate interests is to kill people.

Imagine a country that defines “success” as being rich. That exports its love of money around the world, making fetishes of brand names, charging in foreign branches of its stores, a days wages for a cup of coffee... and through advertising and bribery... makes people want to pay it.

Imagine a country where the solution to EVERYTHING is WAR. Instead of looking at problems with a medical metaphor... like a wound that has to be healed... it looks at problems as THE ENEMY that has to be killed. WARS on drugs... Muslims... terrorism... hunger... even a (long ago discarded) WAR ON POVERTY.

Imagine a country that has, in this millennium, killed more people than all other countries on earth... combined. Image a country that continues to kill people, correcting past mistakes in killing people by killing other people.

What benefit could there be to such a pisshole of a country? What right would such a country have to exist? Why should the rest of the world tolerate such a gaping wound in its earthly body? Is there anything that fetid offal has to offer? Can we find one thing that hell-bent-on-world-destruction nation has done to justify its existence?

FLASH TO NOW: I'm in a 777 airplane flying from Manila to New York... via Taiwan. I've been in the plane for seven hours... with another eight to go. I can't sleep, having stupidly taken the aisle seat so there's no window to put my head against. When either of the two passengers next to me needs to take a piss... I gotta get up and move.

This is the end of my six weeks in Asia. The first four were in Japan: tightly planned... familiar... sleeping on friends' floors... couches... tours of sake breweries... a ton of drinking... a ton of innocent nakedness at public hot springs... a bit of not so innocent nakedness. Friends... familiar... comfortable... like slippers and a bathrobe.

Then there was The Philippines. I quote from my travel blog (mykelsdiary.blogspot.com)

Manila is a maze of narrow streets choked with barely moving traffic, blaring horns... people walking... hanging out... sleeping on plastic bags filled with trash.

Food stands sell Chinese pork buns or wooden sticks with your choice of pig's ear, pig's blood or pig guts. The narrow streets hold the auto exhaust of the immoveable traffic. Walking a block is like smoking a pack of cigarettes.

Every few meters, one young woman or another will smile at you... showing her braces and ask, “Hey Joe, you like me?” If you shake your head, she'll offer you her younger sister... or her daughter. My upper arm still has a bruise where a street hooker pinched me to keep me from walking away. Every few steps bring you to another encounter.

Backpacks become frontpacks here... watch your step...means a fuck of a lot more than be careful crossing the street. The heat is oppressive... a wet-heat. Your sweat mixes with the filth from the car exhausts. Simply scratching your neck leaves your fingernails black.

I love the place.

I've been sleeping on a thin mattress on the floor in Taytay, a Manila suburb. Johnny Deadbrain lives here... with his mother who barely makes a living selling ice to the neighbors out of her refrigerator.

I get the mattress. Johnny sleeps on the other side of the living room... on a cardboard box. 

The toilet, as most in this country, doesn't have a seat. You flush it by filling a plastic bucket from a cold water wall spigot and pouring the water into the toilet bowl. A plastic dipper floats in the water. It's not clear whether the dipper is used to scoop water to flush the toilet... or to scoop water to wash your ass in lieu of toilet paper. There is never any toilet paper. Whenever I buy anything in the country, I demand a receipt. That paper comes in handy.

[NOTE: A few places-- mostly high class-- have toilet paper HOLDERS built into the wall. They are for decorative purposes only. There is never any actual toilet paper in them.]

At Johnny's place, the wall spigot is also the shower and bathroom sink.

The Philippines are punk rock.

It's like New York in the 70's... when/where punkrock was born. Dangerous, mysterious, sexy, anarchistic, musical. Everybody and his father... grandfather... is a musician. Even the poorest homes have a turntable... and a collection of records that would make the Rev Norb envious.

Johnny shows me an original of the first Ramones album. From a small speaker attached to his android, comes The Ramones, GG Allin, and his own band DEADBRAINS.

Rock'n'roll came to the Philippines with American servicemen during and after World War II. Navymen wanted more than local nookie from the natives. They wanted their music.

They brought records... 78s... 45s... 33s... to these islands. Local musicians quickly learned the music to play for the sailors. It was as profitable as-- and less painful than-- an American maritime turgid sausage in their anuses.

From the songs learned from those sailors' records, the Philippines developed its own brand of rock... its own bands... its own style. Punk rock came here before anywhere else in Asia except possibly Japan.

BINGO!

That's it! The American contribution... America's ONLY contribution... its only value in the world. ROCK'N'ROLL... That great merging of cultures: black Jazz/Blues that came up the Mississippi River from New Orleans smashing smack dab into white Country music from the heartland. When Hank Williams buggers Muddy Waters... Chuck Berry and Elvis Presley are born.

That freeing, open, rockin music. That rock... that glitter... that punk... that hardcore... That rebellious, liberating, loving, aggressive force. That may be the only real gift America gave to the world... but it's a damn good one.

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me by email at god@mykelboard.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]

→ It ain't music, it's a concept dept: Chuck Shephard reports that the group Matmos released their new album, "Ultimate Care II." The LP consists entirely of "music" made by an Ultimate Care II washing machine. The machine's 38-minute wash cycle was "sampled and processed." Matmos previously played canisters of helium on stage at Radio City Music Hall and a cow's uterus at the San Francisco Art Institute.

→ Tax dollars at work dept: One of the many evils of the Obama administration was the bank bailouts and lack of anybody going to the clink for the tragedy. The government claims a victory because it took in billions of dollars in fines from those banks. Same for corporate polluters like BP in the Gulf of Mexico.

Not so fast.

The New York Times reports that the money those banks and corporations paid is considered “tax deductible.” So those same corporations just listed the fines on their tax returns as a “business expense.” They paid no taxes on that money.

→ Bathe in this dept: Brandon Terry and Casey Fowler of Spartanburg South Carolina were arrested after calling 911 five times to report possums jumping out of their refrigerator and microwave, worms emerging from their floor, and midgets in camouflage. They denied any drug use, but police said it was likely "bath salts."

→ Sex & The Serviceman Dept: It probably didn't make the U.S. newspapers, but a Philippine jury convicted a U.S. sailor of murder. He strangled a prostitute and drowned her in the toilet, when he discovered she had... er... extra equipment. The Navy removed the sailor from the country before he could be sentenced. At last report, the prostitute was still dead.

→ Further Evidence Dept: The Daily Mail reports that they've seen video footage that shows Israeli commandos rescuing wounded ISIS fighters from the Syrian warzone, Many of the rescued are enemies of Israel and some may even be fighters for groups affiliated with Al Qaeda. Almost every night, Israeli troops run secret missions to save the lives of Syrian fighters, all of whom are their sworn enemies.

Clearly, toppling Assad is more important to the Israelis than fighting ISIS. No wonder that Israel-obedient Obama calls for REGIME CHANGE in Syria, while the Russians just fight ISIS.

→ Endorsements Dept: Also on the Russian front. The Washington Post reports that Vlad Putin has damn near endorsed Donald Trump for the U.S. presidency. He called The Apprentice star, “the absolute leader in the presidential race.”

In October, Trump said that he would “get along very well” with Putin and applauded the Russian president for his intervention against the Islamic State in Syria.

→Vote Jew Dept: Next year it looks pretty sure I'll be voting for a Jew in November. If, by some (from my mouth to G-d's ears) miracle, Bernie Sanders gets the Democratic nomination... I'm there. If not, I'll have a difficult choice between JILL STEIN on the Green Party, or my pal SID YIDDISH on the Lincoln-Republican party. In any case, I'll be voting Jew in November!

-->Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for censoring me.

As their revolving editrixes move on to commercial ventures, they blame their predecessors for my demise... as if they had no control over the business... and couldn't simply invite me back.

Send your comments to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com (or post on their facebook page) with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.

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