You're
Wrong
An
Irregular Column
by
Mykel Board
Mykel's column for MRR 260, in which he explains how he'll never act
"A man does not
learn very well. Women, yes, because they are used to bending with
whatever wind comes along. A woman, no matter the age, is always
learning, always becoming. But a man stops learning at fourteen or
so. He shuts it all down. A log is capable of learning more than a
man.” -Edward P. Jones
She's in her late
20s... maybe Dominican... maybe from Brazil... with the kind of
Latina ass that white girls tsk tsk about objectification but
you know they really envy. She's in the middle of the gym, working
with a trainer. I'm on the mats, stretching my 75 year old muscles,
trying to keep the creaks from popping too loudly, depressed that my
body will NEVER be objectified. I watch the girl as I spread my legs
and pretend to stretch this gracilis, then that one. This satorious,
then that one. This rectus femoris, then that one.
I watch her bend
down and grab a barbell. Then, using her own rectus, she stands and
holds it several feet from the mats. On the barbell are huge weights.
The biggest in the gym... at least two hundred pounds on that
barbell... She sets it down and lifts it again. My corpora cavernosa
fill with blood and stiffen.
I shower at home,
not wanting to deal with the engorgement problem among the sweaty
jocks in the lockerroom. Leaving my bathroom shower, I dry myself,
dress, and open the day's mail. There it is: in no wrapper at all,
the newest MRR.
I flip to the
letters section... scanning for my name. There it is: two letters.
One's from my pal Marc Rentzer... upbeat and cool. The other,
strategically run right before Marc's letter, is from someone
complimenting MRR, and PS-ing that “Mykel Board is an old
perv.”
Yes! Another
dissatisfied customer.
The comment stokes
the engine of a thought train. Are there young pervs?
When young people do perv stuff, it's experimentation
or curiosity. A teenager who jerks off to Victoria Secret
catalogs is a victim of raging hormones.
But an OLD PERV?
Isn't that redundant? The problem isn't the action but the age. Old
people are not supposed to do that. They're supposed to sit in
the park and feed pigeons.
In the summer, I
see a few in Central Park, feeding pigeons or sitting on a bench
slumped over a newspaper. But that doesn't account for most.
A Google images
search for “old people” brings up mostly faces. But when the
people are doing anything, they're flipping the bird, getting a
tattoo, muscle building, fitting into a thong... anything but ACTING
THEIR AGE. At least anything but acting the cliché of their age.
Maybe that's WHY
the images are there. They're unique, because these older folks DON'T
act their age.
Back when I was 30,
I wrote a song called When You're My Age You'll Be Selling
Insurance. Now, when they're my age, those letter-writing punk
rockers will be cashing in their 401Ks.
I doubt if I'll be
invited to the Bar Mitzvah of the guy who wrote the old-perv
letter. But, if I live long enough, I might go to his graduation from
business school.
Scene change to the
school I teach in... teacher's lounge between classes.
I ask what April,
my favorite colored girl, has been doing lately. She hasn't been at
work. I hear she had made it to off-Broadway.
“Mykel,” says a
liberal teacher, born and bred within the shadow of the Whitehouse,
“you can't say colored. It's like saying Nigger!”
“It is not!” I
protest. “Nigger is a pejorative... an insult.
Colored People is used by colored people themselves!
There is an organization called The NAACP. That's The
National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. You
heard of them? Civil rights for colored people exist because of them.
You ever heard of The National Association for the Advancement of
Niggers? It's not the same thing at all!”
“That was an
organization STARTED by African Americans,” she answers. “THEY
can call themselves whatever they want. You're white. You can't do
that.”
Her comment is like
ACT YOUR RACE.
It gets me
thinking. What do people of my race do?
In the summer, I
see white people at the beach, trying to darken up. At night, they
walk the streets in large chested packs of fratboys and
soror-sisters? Boys ugh ugh ughing as they guzzle Bud Light while
watching colored guys smash each other up in pro-football. White
girls chew gum and worry about how their ass grows to the side and
not the back like their more aesthetically pleasing colored
counterparts.
Among the people I
recognize from a Google search of white people, are
Michael Moore, Bill Gates, John McCain. A screen capture from FOX
News shows a little white girl crying with the FOX caption “Stolen
Pony.” The headline, added after by the picture clipper is: WHITE
GIRL PROBLEM?
Many of the
pictures make fun of white people. A few defend them. There are
almost no photos of people actually DOING anything... except one of a
white girl on her knees... taunting a bull.
I spend most of my
life with non-white people. During the day, I'm teaching Japanese folks
how to talk good. When I travel, I mostly avoid places where white
people live. I used to deny being white at all.
“I'm not white.
I'm a Jew,” I used to say. Unfortunately, it is now fashionable to
LIKE Jews, to bring us into the fold. We're anti-Muslim, ya know?
That makes us white.
Well, buckaroos, my
trip to Africa brought me a ton of Muslim friends... even to drink
with. Just like some Jews (like me) eat pork. Some Muslims drink
alcohol. The appeal to me? Most Muslims aren't white.
FLASHBACK:
Highschool gym class; Hicksville High School 1960s. Along with study
period, it's the class I
hate most. Out the back yard... over a fence... to Al's Pizza on
Newbridge Road. I'm convinced that my regular consumption of pizza
while cutting gym class was responsible for my serious teenage acne.
But at least on the days I made it to Al's, I didn't have to suffer
through being the last to be picked for the baseball team, football
team or any team.
In baseball, when I
can't cut out of class, I hide in the outfield... hope that no one
hits a ball to me... run away when they do... use my glove to protect
my head instead of catching the ball.
“You play like a
girl,” one of the jocks tells me. “Why don't you pick flowers or
something?”
Flowers? What about
flowers? I love flowers. In America, guys never get flower. One of my
life's highpoints was visiting a friend in Holland and meeting him at
the airport. In his hand was a bouquet of tulips. Girl enough for
you?
I ask directions,
for G-d's sake. Several times. Is that non-manly enough? It's one of
my favorite ways to meet people... and to judge the character of a
country.
ASIDE: The worst
place to ask directions is Venezuela. Even if you ask in Spanish, the
people look right through you... as if you're not there.
Better is Japan,
where instead of explaining, people will walk with you a bit, and
make sure you're going the right way.
Best is Trinidad,
where, when you ask directions the answer will be. “Yeah man,
what's your hurry? Let's be havin' a drink first, a little limin'.
I'll get you where you want to go. But what's the hurry?” END OF
ASIDE
What does asking
directions, hating to play sports, and liking flowers say about Men
from Mars and Women from Venus?
Way
before that book, Samuel Johnson said: Men
know that women are an over-match for them, and therefore they choose
the weakest or most ignorant.
Weakest? Most
Ignorant? I don't think so. I certainly don't want to hang out
with... much less fuck... any girl who can't beat me up. But that's
not how guys are supposed to think.
Me? I'LL NEVER
ACT MY GENDER.
I
may be an old pervert. Chronologically I'm old, even if I refuse to
act it. A pervert? Well, if we go back to the Latin root it comes
from pervertere
"overthrow, overturn, corrupt, subvert, abuse..." sounds pretty
punkrock to me. So my answer to the guy who called me that? Guilty as
charged... and I'm just getting started.
ENDNOTES:
[email subscribers (god@mykelboard.com)
or blog viewers (mykelsblog.blogspot.com/)
will get live links and a chance to post comments on the column. Your
zines, Cds/records, and... er... private
videos... can
and should be sent to me at: Mykel Board, POB 137, Prince Street
Station, New York NY 10012]
-->Drug your
kids for money dept: Does your child have bad moods? Poor school
performance? Difficulty focusing? Even if s/he doesn't, could you use
some extra cash? "Compensation for time and travel."
Let us drug your
kid and we'll pay you!!!
So says a
company called Acurian Health that encourages parents to
submit their kids to drug testing... and will pay them cash to do so.
Get those welfare kids into something productive... like drugs! Go to
www.KidsDepressionStudy.com
for details.
-->Speaking of
act your gender dept.: I'm in love. I went
to Brooklyn to see my friends WORLD WAR IX and BLACKOUT SHOPPERS play
at the Trash Bar. Opening for them was this band called inCircles.
The girl vocalist/guitar player is amazing. She moves on stage like
Sam McPheeters or that dancing guitar player in Meryl (sp?). Wow!
Best new band I've seen in ages. And that girl, hah! Guitar hero
showdown time! No boy is gonna match that!
-->Record
stores are not dead dept: Used to be that Bushwick was the SCARY
part of NY. Now it's got an organic bakery... scary in a different
way. But, it also has a great record store: Heaven Street
Records. No CDs, but they have an extremely tolerant buying
policy. They're honest, and owner Sean sings barefoot with Cult of
Youth. Find 'em on Facebook and ask 'em to carry your records!
They probably will.
-->Faith in
humanity... even the Swiss dept: The Nation reports that
the residents of Wolfenschiessen, Switzerland polled slightly in
favor of a nuclear waste facility near their town. An industry group
figured that they could get more support by giving money to each
citizen who endorsed the facility. Instead, local support for the
plan went down. The bribe cut the rate of acceptance in half. Even
when locals were offered more than $8,000 each, they turned against
the program.
Yow! PUNK ROCK, I'd
say.
-->Was the
harasser acting her gender? dept: The Associated Press
reports that the widow of a New York City police officer says her
husband committed suicide because his female supervisor demanded
sex from him in exchange for a favorable work schedule and job
assignments. The widow is now suing.
According to the
suit, the cop's career depended on his "submission to the sexual
advances" of his married supervisor.
"Officer
Schindler was made to understand that he would suffer tangible
detriment in his job, job assignments, working conditions and future
prospects if he did not submit to the sexual advances," the suit
says.
The pressure was
too much and the cop shot himself.
You haven't heard
this story, but if the dead cop were a woman, I bet you would have.
-->Google Acts
Its Race dept: A new study has found racial bias in ad results
from Google. Harvard Professor Latanya Sweeney studied names
typically associated with African Americans. She found they were 25%
more likely to produce Google ads offering background checks or
suggesting the person had a criminal record. Sweeney conducted
the study after a search for her own name turned up an ad reading,
Latanya Sweeney, Arrested? with a link offering background
checks. Sweeney concluded: "There is discrimination in the
delivery of these ads."
-->Oh yeah
dept: I expect you figured it out. My last column, about taking
over the dictatorship of MRR, was an April Fool's column. The
endnotes, however, were all true.
