POST
MRR COLUMNS
Column
21
Better
Than God
by
Mykel Board
--God
and Tuli Kupferberg
I
skipped a month in this saga... went off on a feminist tangent...
Now, let's get back to business.
When
last we left, I was sitting... post orgasm... in front of my favorite
bi-porn. My trusty DIRT DEVIL vacuumed me into ecstasy. That sucking
became a metaphor for the city, the country, the world, the universe.
An American middle class, sucked away, replaced by Chinese nouveau
riche. The morality of God, family and country, sucked away, replaced
by rules on speech, and avoiding other people's sensitivity.
Destroyed governments of Libya and Iraq, sucked away, replaced
with Al Qaeda and ISIS. Black holes in space sucking away at the rest
of the universe, replaced by who-know-what. A great sucking... vacuum
after vacuum, begging to be filled. Billions of vacuum cleaner
nozzles filled with dripping semen.
Back
in my apartment: We ended with a rustling... at the vacuum cleaner
nozzle. There... breast-stroking through the pubic hairs is my
muse... the amanojaku
to my amanojaku personality...born from dust bunnies and semen...
naked except for a lotus leaf skirt... fat as a Buddha. Its two
lower canine teeth stick up outside its jaw... over its upper lip.
Crawling out of the hose... spurted forth from the Dirt Devil... like
Aphrodite from the brow of Zeus... it approaches me.
Using
its tiny arms, it pulls itself out of the hose and crawls over the
wooden floor. Then, it digs its tiny-though-nasty claws into the side
of my leg and climbs upwards until it's sitting on my lap.
“So
Mykel,” it says in a squeaky voice with just a hint of a Yiddish
accent. “You and your vacuums. What do you want? You want to go
back to a standard? Something we can all agree on? Something to fill
the moral vacuum so the shit doesn't get sucked in?”
I
nod.
“So
Mykel,” it says again, “what might that be? The Ten
Commandments?”
“I'm
not a big fan of the Ten Commandments,” I tell him/her.
S/He
frowns... or at least does a demon impression of a frown.
“Thou
shalt have no other Gods before me.”
What
a lame way to begin the most important set of rules in the world. God
wrote this and it begins with ME
FIRST? It's as self-centered as toddlers fighting over a bowl
of M&Ms. That's how you start off the rules of life?
On
top of that, God says, “I, the Lord your
God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the
parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me”
It's right there in the unexpurgated
version.
Jeezus
Fuck! God, the all masterful and loving, is jealous? No thanks.
Besides, if s/he is A
jealous God, then there must be other Gods. It's grammar, ya
know?
Besides,
all those commandments are so negative. Just saying what you CAN'T do
gives as much guidance in your life as: DON'T
EAT FUCHSIA-COLORED VEGETABLES. Not very helpful. Rules to
live by should be telling us what we CAN and SHOULD do.
“What
about thou shalt not kill?”
says Amanojaku.
“That's
not bad,” I answer, “but it's only number six... Coming AFTER the
one that says NOT to say GODDAMNIT! Which is more important?”
And
it doesn't say what KILL is. Only people? Animals? Plants? Only those
who have not tried to take over your oil fields? It's not detailed
enough.
“Ok,”
says Amanojaku. “Forget about the Ten Commandments. How about The
Golden Rule®? You know, Do
unto others as you'd have others do unto you.”
“That's
better,” I tell it, “but there are too many masochists out there.
Masochists want to be hurt. Following the golden rule, they'd be
tying up people and sticking pins in their captives' nipples. The
Golden Rule®
turns
masochists into sadists.”
“Come
on, Mykel,” says Amanojaku, adjusting a lotus leaf that's in danger
of revealing its gender. “That's a stretch. People want to be
treated politely and just left alone.”
“Left
alone?” I say. “That's part of the problem. Leave me alone. Don't
tax me. Leave me alone. Don't tell me I can't put shit in the air and
water. Leave me alone. Don't tell me I can't hire Sri Lankan
immigrants for 26 cents an hour. This is a SOCIETY. People live
together. If you want to be left alone... move to Nepal... but even
there, God won't leave you alone. Take earthquakes... please! You
think those buried in snow and rock... nearly dead... want to be left
alone?”
“So
tell us, oh great Mykel,” says Amanojaku... his sarcasm dripping
like semen in a vacuum cleaner hose. “What is the principle? How
can we fill the moral vacuum left when family, country, and God
died?”
“That,”
I confess, “is something I haven't figured out...”
Amanojaku
smiles smugly.
“But,”
I continue, “I have an idea where to start. We need some basic
principles...”
Amanojaku
raises his/her eyebrows
“Like
Civility,” I say.
“Oh
pull eeese Mary,” s/he says looking skyward and limping his wrist
like a drag queen in training. “You're supposed to be a punk rocker
and you want CIVILITY??? Isn't that a bit... er... dainty?”
“I
don't mean simple politeness,” I tell him(?). “I mean something
closer to SLACK. I mean thicker skin. I mean some basic tenants of
tolerance.”
“Ah,”
says Amanojaku, “what are the TEN
COMMANDMENTS OF MYKEL BOARD?”
“I'm
glad you asked me that,” I say, slapping hard with my hand and
squishing him/her into blood and cartilage against my leg.
“My
last action was a violation of one of them,” I tell the mess.
So
here are the my commandments. Sure, there are details and problems...
but it's a start in the quest to fill the vacuums left by the deaths
of The Old Morality, The Old Feminism, and The Old Privacy. These are
calls to ways of acting. They are not calls to legislation.
BASIC
RULE NUMBER ONE: Thou shalt CUT PEOPLE SOME
SLACK. People are different, use different language, have
different values. We can live with those differences. Relax.
What
people say and how they say it is something to discuss. It is wrong
to stop them from speaking. That includes by law or by boycott or by
social pressure or by shouting down. That's related to...
BASIC
RULE NUMBER TWO: Thou shalt ANSWER SPEECH YOU
DON'T LIKE WITH SPEECH YOU DO LIKE. Discuss, discuss, have a
drink, a laugh, listen to music and discuss again. If you don't like
what someone says, answer them. Show the other side. Don't organize
to stop that speech or make someone lose a job. Talk!
BASIC
RULE NUMBER THREE: Thou shalt first consider
CONSENT. CONSENT. CONSENT. A key part of any relationship
must be consent. If someone is forced to do something either
by law, by hunger or something as simple as lack of money... that is
NOT consent.
If
you want to kill and eat your next door neighbor and that neighbor
hands you the gun, fork and knife... Shoot and dig in!
But
consent is more than just saying yes. Consent is not being
intimidated or bullied into action. If I have to work at Walmart
because the other stores have closed and I have to feed my kids and
the government has taken away my welfare... that is NOT consent. I'm
FORCED to work. Economic bullying is no less bullying than
governmental or big ole jock bullying.
BASIC
RULE NUMBER FOUR: Thou shalt TREAT
HUMANS LIKE PEOPLE. Okay,
you can't afford to give a buck to every guy on the street asking you
for spare change... but you can learn his name.. you can say “Hi,
howzit goin?” You can respond to a stranger's “Hey babe, how ya
doin'?” with “I'm okay... just late for work... see ya!”
Considering humans as people makes it more difficult to cut their
heads off, put them in jail or drop drones on them.
In
personal relations, it means not being an asshole to your waitress...
not ignoring the poor K-Mart cashier who's smiling at you while
you're on your iPhone dissing someone on facebook. It means stopping
your car when someone by the side of the road has his hood up. It
means winking at the ugly girl or smiling at the fat guy.
BASIC
RULE NUMBER FIVE: Thou shalt BE USELESS.
Your last year in High School:
“So,
where are you gonna go to school?” she says.
“I
donno, I heard that Monsanto U is pretty good. It's my first choice.
Maybe I can get a wrestling scholarship,” he answers. “I need to
take some finance courses. I gotta get a good job.”
“Finance?”
she says, “I guess that sounds good. You'll be landing the big
bucks. I'm going for marketing myself.”
STOP!
STOP! STOP! Why not go to air conditioning repair school? or become a
dental hygienist? What the fuck? Learning, discovering new things is
FUN. It's a challenge. It takes you places you've never been and
teaches you thoughts you've never thought.
Learning
how to make people want things they don't need is not an adventure.
It's a waste. Learning how to use other people's money to fill your
own bank account-- or worse, your boss's bank account-- is not an
adventure. It's sleazy in the BAD sense of that world.
Take
art history... please! Take Gilyak, theoretical (NOT APPLIED!)
physics, philosophy, gender studies, ANYTHING that exists for itself.
That has a thrill in learning... that is not to be USED for a good
job, exploiting people, or contributing to the general distress.
Your
twat should drip in anticipation of your class... of each adventurous
day exploring new ideas... like Starship Enterprise explores new
worlds... for your adventure and the adventure of your fellow
explorers... not despite that it's useless, but BECAUSE it's
useless. Because it exists only for knowledge, because there are
erection-inducing thrills to be had in THE KNOWING, THE LEARNING, THE
UNDERSTANDING.
If
you want useful, take air-conditioner repair. Get a job. Make money.
Hate your life... Do it for the kids. What a waste!
…
Oh
no! I did it again. Ran out of self-imposed space after only five
commandments... er... basic rules. I think I'm gonnna have to have a
supplement later this month to finish up.
ENDNOTES:
[You can contact me by email at god@mykelboard.com.
Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music
or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137,
New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified
when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS
Yahoo group readmboard-subscribe@yahoogroups.com]
-->Beverage
Dept: The Journal of the American Geriatrics Society
reports
that they followed 749 senior citizens for over 9 years. This doesn't
mean stalking, but checking what the oldsters were drinking. They
found that the DIET SODA DRINKERS gained nearly three times as much
belly fat as those who didn't drink any soda. Yet there are still
people who want to tax SUGARY DRINKS (take former Mayor Bloomberg...
PLEASE!), and force even MORE people into Diet Soda hell. Sometimes
(often) I think HEALTH is a cult rather than a science.
-->TMI
Dept: Under the heading "Innovation of the Week" THE
WEEK Magazine on April 3 tells of a "new system... to give
police more real-time information on locations where shots were
fired" The system will be linked to "license plate readers,
radiation sensors, and 911 calls."
Of
course that means every street will be watched by "license plate
readers and radiation sensors." Makes you feel safe, doesn't it?
->Keeping
the Pressure on Dept:
I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing
Bring Back Mykel
effort directed at Maximum
Rock'n'Roll for their
(firing me as a) contribution to the world of censorship. Send your
comments-- to mrr@maximumrocknroll.com
with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.
-end
