You're Wrong
An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
Column 359 April 2013
"What does a guy
want with his arms and legs? He doesn't need arms and legs to write
with. He needs security... peace... protection. If you could be sure
of that I'd say let's have a war tomorrow. I wouldn't give a fuck
about the medals-- they could keep the medals. All I'd want is a good
wheelchair and three meals a day. Then I'd give them something to
read, those pricks.” --Henry Miller
It's a small turd.
Just a brown chili, floating halfway down in the toilet. If I pasted
it atop my clenched fist, the guy across the hall might think I was
flipping him the bird. So small... so neat... yet what a mess!
Takes a whole roll
of paper. The smear half way up my back... covers both cheeks...
thick... like dark brown tofu... I need to wipe down the toilet
seat...the backs of my legs... Sheet after sheet... leaking off the
paper... my fingers covered... dripping... then the phone rings.
Fuck. If I pull my
pants up, it'll make a worse mess. The this month's laundry'll smell
like shit. So I waddle from the bathroom to the
bedroom/livingroom/den... pants around my ankles, naked below the
waist... covered in smeared feces.
I pick up the
phone.
“Yeah?” I say.
“Mykel?” comes
the voice.
“Of course, it's
fuckin' Mykel.” I don't say. “You called me!”
“Who's this?” I
do say.
“Hi,” comes the
female voice on the other end. “I was hoping to get you at home.
I'm just calling to tell you we finally decided on the new editor of
MRR.”
“Great,” I
don't say, “like I need to know the name of my next task-master.
What do I care?”
“Who?” I do
ask.
“I'm talkin' to
him right now,” says the voice.
Yeah, I know this
is probably old news to you. Such a long long search and it turns
into a great circle and bites you (me) on the (shit-stained) ass. But
it takes me by surprise. I sit down.... yeah, I know. That chair is
out on the street right now... attracting flies. But the rest, is
future.
This is the April
issue of MRR. Starting next month, May, I'm in charge. Do I expect
to make any changes? Will you notice a difference? You bet your
shit-covered ass you will.
What changes?
What's the problem with MRR the way it is?
Ask anyone... just
go out on the street... stop that housewife on the way to Walmart...
that homeless guy picking through the trash... that bike courier on
the way from C-squat to the Apple Store... just stop 'em and ask,
“What's wrong with MRR?” You'll get the same answer. Always...
it's been that way for 30 years:
THERE ARE NOT
ENOUGH PICTURES OF NAKED PEOPLE.
You know without
asking... you don't need me to tell you. It's as plain as the twat on
your face.
Well, I'm gonna
change that. Under my regime, every issue will have dozens of 'em.
Any (legal) age... any gender or race you can name. Dwarfs, amputees,
nursing home residents. All of 'em. Naked people up the wazoo....
every month. Bands... cartoonists... MIT intellectuals... everybody.
A stimulating
publication? Yeah, you'll find that famous rub-off ink on more than
your hands. You ain't seen nothing yet.
More changes?
Start from the
front. The cover. Right now: if it's not a crappy line drawing, it's
some band of white people from some hillbilly town in some state you
wouldn't touch with a six foot hog call. Under my reign? NO WHITE
PEOPLE ON THE COVER OF MRR!! MAYBE we'll have an exception if the
band agrees to appear naked, but it would require a substantial
endowment.
And the columns?
What about the columns?
The columnists
would not change. I like everyone who writes, though I'd include
bigger pictures as column headers... and, of course, every columnist
will appear naked in those headers.
Columnists will
have absolute freedom to say whatever they want. Although, if I
disagree with anything, they will be required to spend time in the
notorious MRR Special Room. After all, if you say something
you have to take responsibility for it. We have ways of MAKING YOU
take responsibility. Get it?
AND, I will replace
the current random order of columnists with a strict order... the
same every month... in exact order of the AGE of the columnists...
oldest first, of course.
What about English?
Fuckin' English. I've said before that people spoke Spanish in
America way before they spoke English. You think Nina, Pinta, y
Santa Maria are English names? What the fuck? First thing: the
NAME of the magazine changes to MAXIMUM VERGA Y CULO. Maybe we'll
have a small English section-- at the end of the zine-- the last page
or two to tell you what you're missing. For the rest: HABLAS ESPAÑOL
O MUERTE!
And reviews? Those
fuckin' reviews? MRR reviewers are a bunch of prissy whitefolks (or
at least native-English speakers) who think eating a California roll
with a dab of soy sauce is oh so exotic and foreign. That's gonna
change.
NEW RULES FOR
REVIEWS:
All reviewers have
to ACTUALLY LISTEN TO OR READ what they review. Don't say, “Well,
it's not my taste.” If you don't like the style, don't fuckin'
review it! If you don't understand the language then give it to
someone who does! Why does every issue of the German zine TRUST have
an MRR review-- in English-- and every MRR has a review of TRUST that
says, “I wish I could read German.” I know seeing your name in
print is an ego boost, but speak what you're gonna review or don't
review it. SPRICH DEUTSCH ODER VERRECKE!
Scene reports?
What's up with those? If I see one more band name written with the
Roman alphabet, I'm gonna shit. There are hundreds of languages in
the world. Arabic, Hebrew, Chinese, Thai, Urdu, Bulgarian... the list
goes on. Why do we see... month after month... scene reports from
places that use A,B,C,D instead of ALEPH, BET, GIMMEL, DALID? No more
of that under my reign! New Rule: No more scene reports from
places that use the Roman alphabet. A,B,C, is for wimps. Hey,
buckaroos! Wake up! This is PUNK ROCK! Learn to read.
It won't be just
changes. No sireebob. There'll be a ton of new stuff. More things
people actually want:
BODY FLUID OF THE
MONTH, TIMMY Y SPEAKS FROM THE GRAVE (transcripts of monthly séances
held at the MRR house on night of the full moon.), THE SELL-OUT
REPORT (listing what bands it's cool to like and which are on the
boycott list), and a new scanned letter section. All letters written
entirely IN BLOOD! Anyone answering those letters, must also write in
blood.
That's
a taste of things to come... a teaser...the start of the change from
a punkrock zine to a PUNK ROCK ZINE. Like my turd in the toilet, MRR
is not all that big in the world... but it's gonna make a HUGE mess!
ENDNOTES:
[email subscribers (god@mykelboard.com)
or blog viewers (mykelsblog.blogspot.com/)
will get live links and a chance to post comments on the column. Your
zines, Cds/records, and... er... private
videos... can
and should be sent to me at: Mykel Board, POB 137, Prince Street
Station, New York NY 10012]
-->Irony on
irony dept: In the Martin Luther King days, The
Southern Poverty Law Center was a good group. Then it ventured
into "Anti-Defamation" territory. Like the Jewish
Anti-Defamation League who calls every critic of Israel
"anti-semitic" (and even accuses Arabs, who are Semites, of
being "anti-Semitic") the SPLC jumps on any group it
disagrees with and labels them "racist" or "terrorist."
Reuter's now
reports SPLC is coordinating an "anti-bullying program."
(That's ironic since they themselves use bully name-calling tactics.)
As part of their anti-bully program, they've organized 3000 schools
to have a "Mix It Up at Lunch Day." Students in those
schools are encouraged "to sit by someone in the cafeteria they
would not normally sit next to.”
The right-wing
American Family Association, is boycotting the event because
they say it's "a nationwide push to promote the homosexual
lifestyle in public schools." Doubly funny because the
intolerant name-callers are getting name-called for promoting
tolerance.
-->Sissy
Bradford, a criminology professor at Texas A&M University lost
her job after complaining about a taxpayer-funded tower with four
Christian crosses. The tower also featured the official university
seal. Thanks to her protest and a letter from the legal department of
Americans United for Separation of
Church and State, the crosses were removed. Then followed
several threats from cross defenders. These that got so bad that Ms
Bradford asked the campus cops for protection. Her request was
ignored. Now she's without a job and no campus for the campus cops to
protect her on.
-->Bad news
for Christians and Feminists dept: A new study has found that
porn stars have "higher self-esteem, self confidence and a more
flattering image of their bodies" than others. Of course! If
you've got hundreds of folks jerking off to your image, it's only
logical that you're gonna think a lot of yourself. You can get the
full article at: http://tinyurl.com/selfestemeArt
-->Secret
major label dept: If you're suddenly seeing advertising for a
"micro-brewery" called SHOCK TOP, you guessed right. It's
Anheiser-Busch, the Budweiser giant, now owned by a Belgian company.
The beer sucks anyway, too sweet and I donno... wrong. But don't be
tricked, like Blue Moon, it's a FAKE micro-brew.
-->12 years
for NOTHING dept: Of course I'm talking about prison. There are
millions of such stories. People who hurt no one languishing in jail
under FEDERAL SENTENCING LAWS. I've written a lot about this. But a
spot of maraschino cherry in the diarrhea of our legal system is
GORILLACONVICT publishing. It's a company that gets the word out FROM
the men behind the bars. They publish books (remember them?) by the
2%... the 2% of Americans, that is, who are behind bars. Their
website is gorillaconvict.com.
-->Is that a
screw in your kneebone or are you happy to see me dept: First Class
Magazine reports that Australian airports have introduced full
body scanners for all international air passengers. The scanners use
wifi length radio waves to scan, rather than the
X-ray machines that are used in the US.
Both Europe and
Australia have banned the US machines as too much of a cancer risk.
The US government doesn't care. It's SECURITY, ya know?
-->Help, 'em
but don't let 'em help themselves dept: In Ashland Oregon, public
officials have removed three boxes for public donations to help the
homeless. The reason is that the boxes were pilfered and the money
stolen. After an investigation, a man was arrested, fined and jailed
for the theft. You guessed it. He was homeless. Now, please tell me
how a homeless person can steal money meant for the homeless. I guess
the answer's easy. That's DIRECT giving. If you do that, how does an
ADMINISTRATOR get paid? It would destroy the whole American concept
of charity.
-->Mix
government and religion at your own peril dept: Germany's top
court has ruled that Catholics who do not pay religious taxes must
automatically leave the church. The judges ruled against Hartmut Zapp
(great name!) who wanted to leave the church as an institution, but
remain a member of the Catholic community. Germany's bishops
announced that believers who refuse to pay the religion tax won't be
able to receive the sacraments, become godparents or a have a
religious funeral. In Germany, the government subsidizes religions
through taxes on members of the religion. In the US, the government
subsidizes religion through taxes on EVERYBODY. They call it
"faith-based."
-->Good
suggestion bad reason dept: Israeli Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky ordered
his followers to "burn their iPhones" in order to maintain
Jewish insularity and keep the outside world away. I'm not sure
iPhones burn very well, but they probably flush nicely down the
toilet.
