An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board (Column for MRR 274)
My advice to you...Get people to think you're a drunken no-good lush... slightly cracked... with a bit of the jailbird thrown in.
I'm happier than a urophile at a beerfest. A reputation! Yowsah. When people know ABOUT you without having met you. When people assume rumors are true. When people deal with you based on your image rather than the reality. That's a reputation. It shows you've lived larger than your life. Oh boy!
It's John's voice on the answering machine.
"Mykel," he says, "I did some investigating and found out why they cancelled you at COOL BEANZ. I talked with Jennifer and first she told me they dropped you because you're too right-wing. I thought that was kind of strange. So I asked her what she meant. Then she said she read something on the internet. That you advocated pedophilia. I didn't get how pedophilia is right wing, but she didn't explain."
[NOTE: COOL BEANZ is a coffee house in St. James, Long Island. John lives near there and offered to get me a reading. That he did. But just before I go to California, co-owner Jennifer calls and leaves a message that she's "canceling me out" of the show she had booked. She gives no reason, but does say "Call me later if you want to talk about it."
I plan to call her when I get back from my trip. I figure it's a scheduling conflict, and we can reschedule.
What a joy to learn the REAL reason! ]
I call John back to get the details.
"John," I ask, "did she read something I wrote or did she read ABOUT me?"
"It was something you, wrote," he says. "I think it was a column she found on the internet."
"Every column is on the internet," I tell him. "You'd have to look pretty hard to find one on children's rights. I've never written one "supporting pedophilia."
Since that time, I googled "Mykel Board" and Pedophilia together. I found 25 sites. None of them are columns. When I look for "Mykel Board" by itself, I get 10,200 responses. Hmmm.
What's fair is fair though. Jennifer runs the club and has a right to can people for any reason. Insufficient butt-wiping. Severe acne. Anything. But at least she should ask me to contact her, so she can find the horse's opinions from the horse's mouth.
I call her at the club number.
"Cool Beanz, Pat speaking, may I help you?"
"Hi, is Jennifer there?"
"She won't be in until 2:30. Is there something I can help you with?"
"I'm not sure," I say. "I was supposed to read there but was cancelled. I heard it was for political reasons. I'm calling to check on that. Do you know what I'm talking about?"
"I'm afraid not," Pat answers. "Give me your number and I'll ask her to call you when she gets in."
I give her my number.
"I'll let her know you called. Thank you," answers Pat
It's a week later. No answer.
And HAPPY NEW YEAR! I write this on Xmas day. The city is quiet. The supremely entertaining transit strike is over. I begged $500 out of Dad for Chanukah so I could bring my checking account up to zero. I've got a reputation! Everything is right with the world. I'm skipping goyish Xmas and going right to New Years. And New Years is the time for resolutions.
Everybody makes New Year's resolutions for themselves. Stop smoking. Get serious about schoolwork. See a doctor about that wound oozing pus. I will A. I will B. One after the other, you promise yourself to do something that you know will never get done. By January 5th, the resolutions are as dead as GG Allin.
I've also decided to make New Year's resolutions. But not in the boring old way. I already know what I want to do and won't. I don't need to resolve it.
Instead, I'm gonna make resolutions for YOU. Here are seven things I resolve for YOU to do during the next year. No I will, but YOU will.
RESOLUTION NUMBER 1: It's probably against the law for me to make this resolution, so I won't. If it were legal I'd say your resolution is: You will buy a kid a beer.
My adventure with the COOL BEANZ cafe once again shows that kids is one topic where logic dies. It's where people, who pride themselves on reason, drop that reason and turn shrill. Where unAmericans, suddenly become very American. Where defenders of free speech become censors. Where defenders of human rights become dictators.
The age of consent in Holland is 12 years old. For reasons I've often discussed, I believe that's too old, but it is logical. The body changes at 12. Puberty hits at 12. Jewish boys, 1 year later, recite at their bar mitzvah: TODAY I AM A MAN. Makes perfect sense. But not in America.
It's not only sex. At every turn from driving, to forced "education" to laws about alcohol and tobacco. Kids are the only group where discrimination is required by law.
How can you support freedom for prisoners of war, but not the most oppressed prisoners of peace: kids? Do your part! Buy 'em a beer!
RESOLUTION NUMBER 2: You will voice your support for Saddam Hussein.
It's not enough to be against the war in Iraq. Everybody and his Aunt Tilly is against the war in Iraq. You should go further.
Saddam changed Iraq. He brought rights to women, tearing away the veil. He stood up to the Americans, a David against a hugely bullying Goliath. On trial, he refuses to knuckle under. He fights for his homeland. He denies accusations. He willingly goes forward, despite the already decided verdict. Defense attorneys are getting knocked off one after the other. But there he stands, a beacon of hope to a world bullied into submission by a bunch of oil companies.
RESOLUTION NUMBER 3: You will give money to a bum every day.
I don't know about your town, but here in New York there are different kinds of bums. There are the salesmen bums who sift through garbage (or steal stuff), then resell it on the street. There are the musicians, who stand with a two-string guitar and sing Me and Bobby McGee 300 times a day. There are the subway crawlers, who go from car-to-car guilting passengers into giving money because they "just got out of the hospital, have no money, and the same thing could happen to you." And there are the plain ole bums, who say hello, shake a cup and don't really ask for anything.
To discourage the work ethic, I only give to plain old bums. It's the ideal economic arrangement. I give because I want to give. No product changes hands. No environmental damage is done. I feel better having given out of my own free will. The recipient feels better having received without degrading himself in something as horrible as work.
Giving money to a bum every day-- and talking about it-- encourages others to do the same. It encourages bum-dom. It encourages an ethic where we don't live our lives as a series of trades for things. But where we give and receive only because we exist.
RESOLUTION NUMBER 4: You will fuck at least one stranger every month, preferably someone of another race or from another culture.
What could be ruttier than monogamy? The same peg in the same hole, day after day. What could lead to stagnation, boredom, and conservativism quicker than sexual fidelity?
Sex is one of life's greatest adventures. It's the most intimate contact one person can have with another. How can you learn about other people, other cultures, other ways of living, if you don't become intimate with them?
It's hard for me to imagine there are Americans who have never had sex with someone of another race. Let's get this clear: not having sex with another race is as racist as not working with another race or not eating at the same table as another race.
There's a cliché about not criticizing people until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That cliché doesn't go far enough. You cannot criticize-- or understand-- others until you've tasted their bodily fluids. Your narrow view will remain narrow unless you expand it in the most intimate way possible.
RESOLUTION NUMBER 5: You will assume whatever most of your friends think is wrong.
Like a Zen slap, we all need a little awakening from our every day assumptions. During the recent NY transit strike, the union was only trying to tread water. They had bad pay, but good benefits: a 55 year old retirement policy, 100% healthcare: what most of us would want if we had no other choice than to work.
Management wanted to take away these benefits-- or at least weaken them. Not for current workers, but for future workers. They wanted to lower the future quality of life.
Most New Yorkers supported management. They felt I don't have a 55 year old retirement policy. I don't have free healthcare. Why should these people have it? At the same time, they called the union selfish, for protecting others.
Huh? Who's selfish? A public who says because I can't have these benefits, no one can? Or a union who says we already have these things, we want to make sure those who come after us have them too.
I saw a report on TV. Most white folks were against the strike. Most colored people supported it. Hmmmm.
Every daily newspaper, and all my friends except one Negress, were against the union. They were all wrong. That's usually the case.
Don't know what to think? Find out what most people believe. The opposite will be true.
RESOLUTION NUMBER 6: You will drink every day and get completely soused at least once a week.
There are very few ways you can rebel in today's world. Both leftists and rightists have assholes closed tighter than a leather band around an Iraqi's neck. It's a remnant of Puritanism that sticks in the brain of anyone who lives in this country.
"Anything that makes your body feel good, is bad," they say. Instead of regulating actions, they regulate conditions. Do you need a license to sell Pepsi? A Pepsi is much worse for you than a Brooklyn Lager. But a Pespi doesn't make you feel good so the regulators don't care.
(Yeah, I know. But it won't be long before you WILL need a license to sell MONSTER. Get it while you can!)
In the meantime, you need to show that you are in charge of your life-- not THEM. You need to fracture the 12-step myth of helplessness. You need to shatter the teetotalers' perverted logic that NOT drinking is somehow keeping control of yourself.
Not drinking is giving up control. It's making a rule that says I DON'T DO THIS and blindly following that rule. You cannot live a full life by following rules... even rules you think you make for yourself.
No one would make a no drinking rule for themselves unless: (A) they were actually allergic to alcohol (B) Social or peer pressure made them think they were choosing such a rule.
RESOLUTION SEVEN: You will masturbate every day-- sex or not. At least once a week, you'll do it in a location you never did it before.
Sexual energy is like a sunflower. If you keep it hidden, in the shade, without exposure, it will droop and die. If you expose it, it stands straight, tall and beautiful.
If you see a sunflower every day, you begin to take it for granted. There's that sunflower, in the same garden, next to the same petunia. It moves back, away from your consciousness until you don't even notice it any more.
But move the sunflower. Put it on the window ledge. In your bathroom. Stick it on top of the computer monitor. It remains fresh. An exciting part of your life.
How many people jerk off to the same movie, at the same time, every day? It puts you to sleep. Some people use it to put them to sleep. Why?
Like booze, masturbation is how we can give ourselves pleasure. It is a great tool of stimulation, excitement, adventure. It's a tragedy if it becomes boring.
Jerk off at work, in the office supply room. At school, under the desk in physics class. Outside, in a park. In the car. In a restaurant bathroom. Masturbation will be an adventure, a thrill, like it was when you discovered it. Send me a video.
OK. Those are your New Year's resolutions. Have a good one.
ENDNOTES: ENDNOTES: [Visitors to my website: mykelboard.com or subscribers (email to: firstname.lastname@example.org) will receive hot links to some of the topics here. Visitors to my blog (you can get it through the website) can comment on the column... or anything else.]
--> Give her a call dept: Jennifer, the woman who disinvited me to speak at the COOL BEANZ CAFE, has not returned my call. Her number is (631) 862-4111. Maybe you'll have better luck than I did. If you talk with her, don't be insulting. It's her right to invite or not. It's her cafe. But do ask her why I was disinvited and if speakers are usually chosen for their politics. Then email me her answer: email@example.com.
-->Discovered by accident dept: My new favorite website is www.landoverbaptist.org. It's a Christian parody site, that comes up on internet searches looking very real. It's like THE ONION, but only for Christianity. Their sub-heading is The Largest, Most Powerful Assembly of Worthwhile People to Ever Exist. Unsaved are NOT Welcome!
My current favorite article is about how 8-year old girls are getting pregnant from listening to Ricky Martin songs. Pure genius!
-->Ambiguity in Motion Dept: The METRO newspaper in NY reports that Russia plans to launch a `tourist police corps.' The corps will be formed from English-speaking students who patrol tourist areas. They'll get a salary and uniforms. It's not clear whether or not they'll get guns. Few Russian police can speak English which, according to the paper, hampers the security situation in the city. The paper doesn't say if the Tourist Police are there to police those who prey on the tourists, or the tourists themselves.
-->Mickey Mouse This, Asshole! Dept: A Disneyland worker in Hong Kong climbed to the top of a tower on the Space Mountain ride. He was carrying a knife and a banner that said BLOOD and TRUTH in Chinese. Police talked him down after more than two hours. His action came a week after Hong Kong unions officially complained about the horrible working conditions at the park. Mickey Mouse had no comment.
--> Is your printer watching you Dept: The website at: http://www.eff.org/Privacy/printers/list.php shows a list of printers that do (or don't) embed codes in printed documents allowing government (and other) agencies to track the origin of the document. Beware!! Your own printer is probably watching you.
-->Jimmy Reject of Proud Disgrace Fanzine infamy sent me a ton of stuff including 40 pages of things I shouldn't mention. The new Proud Disgrace has an interview with ME. (He calls me a pedophile!) You can download his new novel from lulu.com. That guy is prolific!! Email him at: mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org. AOL???? It must be a free account!
--> I Love Being Me Dept: I got a letter from a prisoner whose name I won't release without his permission. He says he's not allowed to have zines in prison and asked for me to send my column on paper. He writes:
I love your foulness. You just don't give a fuck. Your real to the point and totally out of the closet-- ever pushing boundaries. You're the real sexual outlaw.
OK, stroke me.
But there's more. ... your openness has helped me understand my desires and know they're natural. I have wondered, 'cause I lost my virginity to a family pet-- a female dog named Spot...
Letters like that make me feel almost as good as getting disinvited to a reading. Yeah!
-->Hardcore hardness dept: They have the best band name I've heard in a long time: THE TWATS. On Overdose On Records Records, they have a girl singer and a song that reveals the real truth of rock'n'roll: Only In This To Get Laid. Female singer, loud and fast. Yeah! The big question, of course, is Does it Work?
-->Ask and ye shall receive dept: In MRR 271, I complained about the dearth of Spanish-singing bands. Not long after, my pal Tomasso (from Trust Magazine in Germany) emailed me about Ruidosa Inmundicia, who he says are "hands down the best band on the globe." Two members are originally from Chile, but they live in Austria. Demos are at http://www.ruidosainmundicia.net.
And last week I got a cassette from Megan, part of an all girl (maybe lesbian, I can't figure it out) hardcore band from Chicago called Condenada. They sing in both English and Spanish. (Contact them at: PO Box 5027, Chicago IL 60680.)
Not only did Megan send me the band's cassette, she sent me a lyric booklet and a list of Spanish-singing punk bands. Of course I know Huasipungo in New York, but Punkeke in Minneapolis? Who would've guessed? Thanks girls.
And for all you world punk rockers. If you wanna sing in English to reach more people, ok, I understand. But sing a few in your own language. You speak it better. And your fellow countrymen need the inspiration. As for Spanish-- that's the WORLD language. If you can sing in it, DO!