Mykel Asks the anti-Fascists to Look in the Mirror (MRR 340)

You're Wrong

An Irregular Column

by Mykel Board

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.” --Ernest Benn

It's 1977: The Sex Pistols have stolen punkrock from New York and shipped it to London. They're changing the fashion a bit. Making it more Carnaby Street... and at the same time, more offensive. That's the idea of punkrock, ya know?

“Piss on your ancestors,” said proto-punker Patti Smith. 

Only the Brits can make piss into a fashion. And what could be more piss-making than THE NAZIS? Something rude for every occasion. Sid Vicious walks down the stairs, at a very polite concert... in a Swastika shirt.

 

Flash ahead to 1986: ARTLESS is on tour in The South. We're just leaving West Virginia. I wear a SKREWDRIVER t-shirt given to me by one of our hosts.

“Mykel,” asks Gavin, “can't you find us some more fascists to stay with? Those guys fed us well, gave us clean beds, and didn't keep us up all night playing Crass records. Those other guys, those anarchists we usually stay with... they're filthy. The food is awful... and they won't let us sleep.”

 

Flash ahead to 1995: The anarchist festival in Toronto. I stay at the house of MRR columnist Steve Beaumont. (A decade later he'll be a world-famous beer writer.) Also at the house are a bunch of guys I don't know from some band I don't know. They're funny and friendly. I've never seen them before.

“What's the story on those guys?” I ask Steve. 

“Oh Mykel,” he says, “you're in for a surprise. That's VEGAN REICH.”

The big guy in the band wears an even bigger t-shirt with MEAT IS MURDER stenciled on the front. He's fiddling around in his backpack.

“Got it!” he says, taking out a box of something. 

“What's that?” I ask. 

“It's tofuburger mix,” he says.

“Yuck!” I answer. “I wouldn't eat that shit in a million years.”

“That's what you think,” he says. “Steve, get the camera.”

And he reaches for me. 

I'm out the door... sprinting across the front yard... into the next yard. I can easily outrun this big guy, I think. I think wrong.

Blam! I'm on the ground. Tackled like some football player. Another guy from the band kneels over me. I can't see him clearly. Things are a blur. I'm face up. The guy clamps my head between his knees. He reaches over my face and squeezes my jaw, forcing my mouth open. He does not open his fly and lower his turgid tumor into my mouth. Instead, the big guy, who's faster than he looks, has that box of Tofu Burger Mix open in his hand. He pours it into my mouth. 

It's like he's force-feeding me sand. Awful. Grains of tasteless nothing... filling my mouth... spilling over my cheeks... clustering first around then into my ears. I'm gonna suffocate. I can't talk... breathe... nothing. I try to shake my head... turn away from the granular invasion. The other guy's knees keep my head just where it is.

Then it's over. 

They let go of me. And they help me stand up. 

I spit out the crap. Stick my fingers into my mouth to scrape the insides of my cheek. Steve is laughing behind the camera. The Vegan Reich guys are laughing. My piss-offedness turns to laughter. It really is funny.

 

Flash ahead to 2003: Two years after Al Qaeda (or SOMEBODY) drove a couple planes into the World Trade Center... and one into the Pentagon.

Suddenly, all Muslims have become terrorists in the eyes of America. More than that... everyone who wears a turban... Muslim or Sikh... Christians in Ethiopia wear turbans for Allah's sake... all have become THE ENEMY.

The enemy? Hey: it could be like Sid Vicious in his swastika shirt... singing My Way. What could be punker in the 21^st Century than becoming a Muslim? In my April Fool's column of 2002, I explained my conversion to that religion.

This year, Vegan Reich says: 

 

Perhaps the outward form varied, due to time and place variations. But essentially, every message has been that of "Tawhid," or "divine Unity." Islam includes Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Christianity and accepts their Prophets as being Prophets of Islam. So that is why I came into the din or faith of Islam. To me it seemed to have the most inclusive attitude and complete understanding of spirituality that I had found in many years of searching. And on the outward level, I think it is one of the only traditions that really is inclusive of all racial backgrounds, and absolutely revolutionary in it's demand for social justice.

Are they serious?... or is this just an extension of the elaborate put-on that included me being force-fed tofu in Canada? I don't know. Good satire/parody should skirt the border of reality... touching the possible and the funny at the same time.... like THE ONION. If it's a satire, it's a great one. If it's sincere... it's still funny as hell.

 

Flash ahead to 2011: The Saudi Arabian punk band Sound of Ruby covers GG Allin's Bite It You Scum. You can see it on YouTube live in a Bahraini disco, complete with the mirror ball and Saudi punks in white robes. Real Muslims assuredly pissing off their world. I love it.

Meanwhile, in England, there's THE SLIMELLIGHT, a venue for Industrial and Goth bands... maybe neo-folk, I haven't been able to figure it out yet. Actually, I don't even know what neo-folk is. Billy Bragg? Not so neo, I'd say.

The Slimelight has been the subject of much protest, including boycott calls... and calls to shut them down. 

Of course, music clubs throughout history-- from Negro Jazz through Rock'n'Roll through Punkrock to Hip Hop-- have ALWAYS been the subject of shutdown attempts. Good music is threatening. Those who feel threatened want to shut it down. 

But this shutdown call is new. It's organized by Islington Alarm a buncha lefty Brits who don't like the “fascist” aspects of this music. Some Celtic Crosses, and band members in right-wing organizations... or having friends with memberships in right-wing organizations... or being EX-members of right-wing organizations. Without really defining fascism, they brand bands or members as fascist and try to ban them from playing.  

In a related blog, Vegan Reich are called fascist because “they're Muslim.” WHAT???

I'll explain. In England, fascist is a common left-wing bully word, similar to the American hate-group. (The U.S. Southern Poverty Law Center brands more than 1000 American organizations as Hate Groups. This includes a number of bands like Tightrope, Fetch the Rope, and Poker Face.)

What is a fascist? For the average British crusty anarchist, it's anyone with a totalitarian attitude. Anyone who thinks “My way is the only way.” Of course, a certain fashion sense, as well as a certain degree of cleanliness, helps.

But what does  fascist REALLY mean? Why not ask a fascist? This is the internet age. You can do anything.

So I go to  americanfascistmovement.com to see what they say. I don't have space for the whole list, but here are some key points:

*****

Fascism is NOT Racism or Nazism. Races, though unique, are equal. Individuals, however, are not.

Fascism is NOT Materialism: Fascism does not see history as class struggle, and denies that there is nothing to life, and power politics, except what one can put in one's mouth or pocket.

Fascism is NOT Globalism: The integrity of all cultures must be preserved. 

Fascism is NOT Capitalism or Communism: Those are materialist systems that promote degeneracy and crush the human spirit.... Man cannot live on peace, land and bread alone

Fascism IS Meritocracy: The degree of which men and women manifest honor and merit in the service of their country is determinant of their place in civil society. 

Fascism IS Nationalism: Everything in the state, nothing outside the state, nothing against the state.

Fascism IS Virtue: Above all: a Fascist believes in virtue and will thus tell you the truth and not just what you want to hear. Truth, courage, integrity!

*******

Hmmm, I like that NOT Racism or Nazism. I like that NOT Materialism or Globalism and NOT Capitalism or Communism. I could do without the Nationalism and Meritocracy, but I like the truth-telling part, at least when it comes to things political.

 

I score 5 out of 7 on the fascisto-meter. Does that make me a fascist? A 5/7 fascist? Does it matter?

No it does not. We can sit and debate the fascist or not of any person or band from here to Laibach. It's likely, just as some great literature has been written by real fascists (Ezra Pound, Celine), great music has been and is probably being made by other real fascists... whatever that means. 

If you don't like the politics, protest the politics. Present alternatives. Counter-demonstrate. If you don't like the music, don't listen to it.  

But trying to shut down what you don't like... especially if you shut down music because you don't like the politics. Why that's... that's fascist! Just ask any British crusty street punk.

ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (god@mykelboard.com) or website viewers (www.mykelboard.com) will get live links and a chance to post comments on the column]

-->Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Ass dept: US Congressional representatives Robert Aderhold and Nick Rahall co-sponsored a resolution which proclaims the "influence the King James Version of the bible has had on countless families, individuals and institutions." The resolution also "expresses gratitude for the influence The Bible has bestown (sic) upon the United States."

      A Michigan-based group called "the Bible Nation Society" lobbied for the bill during the giant budget debate. That society was founded by Pastor Douglas Levesque. In 2010, at a society conference, Levesque asserted that President Obama "might be the antichrist."

      It's good to know who's making the laws in THIS country!

-->Right in there, not even an amendment dept: Article VI of the U.S. Constitution says "No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification of any office or public trust under the United States." Clearly, that's why we've had so many atheists and Muslims in public office. Right?

-->Get that handbill design... free dept: I got a jail letter from Ryan Homsley aka Waldo. He's in the clink for bank robbery and he's an artist. (Pretty damn good too... I use his portrait of me for my Facebook pic.) He said he'd be happy to exchange handbill or poster designs for a letter. It gets lonely in jail.

So write to him: Ryan Hombsley,. #74767, MCDC, 1120 SW 3rd Ave., Portland OR 97204 Tell him what you want for a record sleeve, poster, or handbill... tell him about your life... tell him I sent ya!

-->Cursing the dark dept: California became the first state to outlaw the incandescent lightbulb. Typical of the mommyism of that state (they've also outlawed the sale of violent video games to youngsters), they've decided that despite the extra cost-- and extra mercury-- of fluorescent bulbs, they're better than the old hot-wire ones. Like the Brits they say, “If you don't like it... ban it.

    You used to have a choice: 25¢ for a bulb or $10 for one. Guess what happened to that choice.

-->Talk about Mommyism dept: A new Tennessee law makes it a crime to "transmit or display an image" online that is likely to "frighten, intimidate or cause emotional distress" to someone who sees it. Violations can get you almost a year in jail time or up to $2500 in fines.

     The ban on “distressing images” is an update to existing laws which already make it a crime to make phone calls, send emails, or otherwise communicate directly with someone in a manner the sender "reasonably should know" would "cause emotional distress" to the recipient. 

     For image postings, the "emotionally distressed" individual need not be the intended recipient. Anyone who sees the image is a potential victim. If a court decides you "should have known" that an image you posted would be upsetting to someone who sees it, you could face months in prison and thousands of dollars in fines.

    Now, if I lived in Tennessee, I'd protest my discomfort and “emotional distress” at every picture of Sarah Palin or Newt Gingrich. 

     Details at:  http://tinyurl.com/comfortoverfreedom

-->The end of scalping dept: The San Francisco 49ers football team joined with Ticketmaster to adopt paperless-only tickets. They became the first NFL team to officially restrict the rights of their fans.

    Now, fans have no control over what they can do with their own tickets. Instead, Ticketmaster dictates who they can give their tickets to, and how much that transfer will cost. Details at: http://tinyurl.com/endoftix

-->The beginning of the end dept: Remember how we railed against Google for caving into Chinese calls for them to censor their search engine in China? We've got a bigger problem now.

The "Combating Online Infringements and Counterfeits Act" (COICA) is an Internet censorship bill which is rapidly progressing through the Senate. Although it's supposed to focus on copyright infringement, a huge amount of other stuff, including political and other speech, could disappear off the Web if it passes.

     The main mechanism of the bill is to interfere with the Internet's Domain Name System, which translates names like "www.eff.org" or "www.nytimes.com" into the numerical IP addresses that computers use to communicate with each other. The bill creates a blacklist of censored domains. The Attorney General can ask a court to place any website on the blacklist if infringement is "central" to the purpose of the site.

There are already laws in place for taking down sites that violate the law. This act would allow the Attorney General to censor sites even when no court has found they have infringed copyright or any other law.

    Strange how that  Wikileaks site just happens to infringe on something, isn't it? You doubt it? Why just ask the Attorney General. He'll tell ya.

   Details at:  http://www.eff.org/coica

-->Whoa yeah! dept: From a so-to-be interfered with website: “Jesus Diaz—Lulzsec and Anonymous declare war on all governments, banks and big corporations in the world.”

And it just gets better from there. A network of information stealers... not for money, but for MORAL GOOD. Are they fascist? I don't care. I love 'em!

http://tinyurl.com/antisec for details.

-end-

Mykel Refuses to Act His Age (MRR 339)

You're Wrong
An Irregular Column
Column for MRR 339
August 2011

by Mykel Board

aka  Mykel refuses to act his age.

“To know how to grow old is the master work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living.” – Herman Melville

 

“Pffffammmda!” he says.

“Tell me later,” I reply, “after I come.”

I grab the back of his head, pressing the mohawk against the smooth sides of his skull. Thrusting forward, I push deeper into his mouth. He has one hand on each of my glutes. I reach behind me to adjust him.

“Stick a finger up my asshole,” I tell him. “Press in.. as far as you can go... like you're digging out a sesame seed... you may BE digging out a sesame seed... Yes! Yes! That's it!”

I wish I could describe the semenal dribble down his chin, but as I work through my last decade of life, I just manage to produce a Nik-L-Nip. Gone before either of us knows it.

My tippling punk releases me and I squeeze out another drop.

“Now,” I say, stuffing in and zipping up. “What were you trying to say?”

“Did you hear the new Social Distortion album?” he asks.

“No,” I tell him. “Should I?”

“It sucks,” he says. “They've gone... I donno... bad.” 

I like the guy. Smart, attractive, skin the color of a Sam Adams bottle. Oh yeah! But an 18-year old punk with a mohawk may not be the best judge of music. So I check the real experts-- the guys who write the reviews on Amazon.com.

From Amazon 1: I don't think that there was Social Distortion album that I didn't like until this one. It just doesn't sound like them. Yes, I agree that bands, like people evolve and change, but that doesn't always mean it's a good thing.

From Amazon 2: Wow, this record is amazing....amazing in its mediocrity. Is this Social D, or is this the new Goo Goo Dolls album? Is Mike Ness trying to be the next John Mellencamp? Was this record pushed out to fulfill a contractual obligation? Was it dumbed down to get a single played on lamestream radio? Did aliens come down and abduct the band and replace them with Social D. clones?

The songs are pedestrian, the band is uninspired, the guitar solos are weak, the lyrics are every cliché pulled from the last four albums, and the vox are overproduced and sanitized. Where's that punch in the mouth I expect from a Social D. song?

Looks like the band tried something new. That's how fans are, right? Keep remaking that first album. If you don't, you're slowing down... changing... getting old... And getting old is getting bad, right?

My Mohawked pal (I call him Punky Brewster) shakes his head.

“You're old, Mykel,” he says. “But I'm here giving you a blow job because I respect what you're doing. You've never made an Artless At The Jazz Lounge album. You've stayed punk for 40 years!

I smile.

FLASH AHEAD: It's gonna be a great show. My friends, Cojoba, are opening. Then comes Death First, a band I don't know. Then, MDC yes.. THAT MDC: Millions of Dead Cops, Millions of Damn Christians, Multi-Death Corporation, My Dog Charlie. THAT one. Then the (British) Sub-Humans. Wow!

When Punky and I get to the show, the place is already packed. The main stage isn't open yet, so we crowd into the bar downstairs. I buy a beer and slip it to Punky. He sucks on it greedily. That's my boy!

The show is masterful. Cojoba and Death First wow the crowd... set 'em pogoing! (I shit you not.) Both bands have girl singers. Cojoba is Hispanic enough to cause one of those hour-plus erections that the commercials warn you about.

Death First are plain killer in the best sense of the word. Though few people know their songs, the crowd loves 'em.

And speaking of the crowd, I'm amazed and delighted by it. Mixed ages (I'm not even the oldest!) and genders. After the first two bands, kids who barely saw last century sing along with the Sub-humans and MDC. Yeah! These kids know the words!

No, the bands don't jump around like they used to. They look older. They ARE older. They probably dribble semen instead of spray it into the back of the throat. But it still is quality semen.

FLASH AHEAD TO CALIFORNIA: I'm with Rebecca (name changed because she'd want it that way). I've known her since 1982... had a crush on her the whole time... didn't come to anything though. She's since gotten married, dropped a couple puppies, started a consulting business. We used to have very similar musical tastes. She, like me, is friends with Dave, the MDC singer.

“Hey, I saw MDC and the Sub-humans in New York,” I tell her. 

“Really?” she says, “They're doing one of those stupid reunion shows?”

I nod.

“But it wasn't stupid,” I say. “They were really punkrock. And there were these kids... same age as yours... they knew all the songs.”

She shakes her head. “Don't they feel stuck? Doing the same songs for 30 years? Don't they know what people think of them? Another bunch of old farts, getting together to live on their past. It's sad. It must be a kind of hell.”

FLASH FURTHER AHEAD: When I get back to New York, I hit the computer. Right to Google, god of everything that's true in the world. I enter, “boring old bands reuniting and touring” and in 0.34 seconds I get “About 3,280,000 results.” I don't look at any of them.

The May issue of MRR was filled with people lamenting “reunion bands.” In California, I saw leaflets urging a boycott of Steve Ignorant's tour doing Crass songs. Dead bands should stay dead is the call.

And in the June MRR issue, a columnist who usually plays contrarian, not only jumps full force on the reunion band bashing bandwagon, but crawls to the front to beat the dead horse dragging the thing. Old people should just die, he says.

Well. Sin Arte, (the Mexican version of ARTLESS, with me singing), is reuniting for one show in Agua Prieta in August. Along with us will be La Merma and Solución Mortal-- two of the most hardcore Mexican bands from the 80s. You wanna make somethin' of it?

Jeezus fuckin' Christ. If a band who loves playing tours when they're past 50, they're a sad bunch of old farts living in the past. When they try something new, they're pedestrian and uninspired. Why not just take a job selling insurance? Better yet, kill yourself... make it spectacular.

Listen kids, youth is NOT an asset. Just because your face sags a bit, your hair falls out, you dribble instead of shoot, you are no less inspired or creative. Your songs have no less value in 2011 than they did in 1981. Go ahead, complain because someone is old. I hope that's a condition you never face.

Listen adults, maturity is NOT an asset. Giving up a dream is not progress. Being realistic is defeat. Why should I settle for real life when I can live the fantasy? I've been doing it for a long time and while I don't have money or property... I LOVE my life. You? Get married or an MBA or something. See how much you love YOUR life. You can pick your maturity out of my asshole like a sesame seed... then eat it.

It may take me slightly longer to fill that martini glass with viscous white semen from my aged balls. But fill it I will. Then I'll drink a spermata toast to every creaky old guy or gal... waddling on stage... temporarily ditching the walker for a guitar... inhaling oxygen through a tube attached to a tank on wheels... whaling out those last few chords before coughing up blood... I'll be singing along. I already know the words.

ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (god@mykelboard.com) or website viewers (www.mykelboard.com) will get live links, extra endnotes and a chance to post comments on the column]

-->Conflict of interest dept: Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas will vote on the constitutionality of the health care reform law. He has already profited from opposition to that law. His wife has taken nearly $700,000 from health care opponents and now openly advertises herself as a crack lobbyist with the "experience and connections" to overturn the law of the land.

      Seventy-five congressional representatives signed a letter to Justice Thomas calling on him to recuse himself from deliberations related to health care. I'm sure he'll take himself right out of the case. Yeah, right. And the world will end on May 21.

 

-->And why does Al Qaeda hate us? They're jealous of our freedom! dept: One out of every 100 Americans is in jail. One out of 39 are in jail, paroled or somehow in the criminal injustice system. More Negroes are in jail than were slaves before the Civil War.

     What do you mean FREEDOM, whiteboy?

-->And why do the conservatives hate Obama? dept: The ACLU reports that Abdullah al-Kidd was arrested and never charged with a crime He was never asked to testify. But he spent 16 days in harsh detention, sometimes held naked and shackled hand-and-foot. The ACLU fought the case in the lower courts, and the court agreed with them. The Obama Administration is fighting that decision.

-->Speaking of Obama dept: AARP reports that Obama has named one “entertainer” to join his Council for Community Solutions. That's a group that's supposed to help reduce youth unemployment and help poor people in general. Of course, our pal Barak chose someone from the lower ranks of society, who really understands the problems of the poor. Russel Simmons... yeah right. Would you believe Jon Bon Jovi?

-->Just discovered dept: BARRACK in Australian English means "to cheer for a team or player." They don't use root in that context, because root means "to fuck" in Australian English. Interesting, because a similar word BARACK in American English, means BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.

-->Catch THE OTHER GUY dept: Car & Travel Magazine reports that 52% of Americans feel "less safe" on the road than they did a year ago. It also reveals:

    66% of poll-answerers report talking on their cellphone while driving
   24% say they were texting or e-mailing while driving
   25% say they drove when they were so tired they had a hard time keeping their eyes open.
   Despite this, 66% support having more police on the road to catch traffic violators.
   Huh?

 

-->Modify THAT baby! dept: In spite of strong opposition from the organic community, the USDA approved the unrestricted cultivation of genetically engineered alfalfa. The approval included no requirements to prevent contamination of organic and non-GE crops. Genetically engineered alfalfa does not have to be labeled so that consumers can identify it.

-->But not this one dept: Among the dozens of bills awaiting Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's action are several that didn't pass until the final hours of the legislative session. Most of these provoked controversy or needed last-minute fixes to get through. They include Senate Bill 1307, which bans human-animal hybrids. It won narrow approval in both chambers of the legislature. Opponents ridiculed its attempt to legislate actions that they say have no foundation in reality, with Democrats cracking jokes about minotaurs and mermaids.

-->Let's go back to the past dept: In 1949, the United Nations launched a universal campaign for the decriminalization of prostitution. It failed. Now, I'm afraid, the foot is in the other mouth.

-->Further back in the past dept: According to recent historical evidence, Empress Wu Hou of the Chinese Tang dynasty (683-705) insisted that all visiting dignitaries perform oral sex on her as a way of paying homage.
   Without knowing it, I've been copying the Empress for the last 50 years. Must be royalty in the blood

-->The Tea Party says China will beat us dept: No, it's not because of the oral sex. Instead, the tea party is running TV ads on how the Chinese are going to take over because of high US corporate taxes. They forgot, however, to connect their propaganda to the facts. Jim Hightower reports that in the 1950s, 30 percent of the US tax revenues came from corporations. In the 2010s that number is 6.6 percent. General Electric notoriously paid NO TAXES last year. Now, what's China going to do about that when they take over?

-end-

Mykel's homepage is here.

Mykel Divides it Right (MRR 338)

If you want to read more about Mykel's adventures in Albania, The US South-- or life in General-- check out Mykel's Diary For a look at the weird, the scary and the funny in real life, check out Mykel's Article's and Propositions.     

You're Wrong
An Irregular Column
Column for MRR 338
July 2011

by Mykel Board

aka  Mykel learns how to divide the world.

“In his Petersburg world, all people were divided into utterly opposed classes. One, the lower class, vulgar, stupid, and above all, ridiculous people, who believe that one husband ought to live with one wife whom he has lawfully married, that a girl should be innocent, a woman modest, and a man manly, self controlled and strong: that one ought to bring up one’s children, earn one’s bread, and pay one’s debts: and various similar absurdities. But there was another class of people, the real people. To this class, the great thing was to be elegant, generous, plucky, gay, to abandon oneself without a blush to every passion, and to laugh at everything else” -- Leo Tolstoy in Anna Karenina

Maybe it’s a general semen buildup. Maybe it’s my prostate-- swelling a millimeter with each passing decade. In 2011, I find that the only way I can keep those final piss drops from oozing generously down my pants leg is by reaching back with the middle finger... right between my balls... pressing on the prostate ...slowly squeezing forward, like grinding the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube. I do that. Those last drops dribble out. PLOP PLOP PLOP. Into the toilet. No panty stains for me. This pipe-cleaning piss follows my daily semen spill, so I squeeze twice to make sure I get the last blocked drops. 

It was a pleasant masturbation... at TEEN SNOW, the best pornsite on the internet. Something new every day... guys who look as good as the girls... that’s pretty fuckin’ good. With just enough sick stuff to keep a multi-interested high riser like me, multi-interested. The only thing wrong is the name: TEEN SNOW?? What the fuck does that mean? Even Urban Dictionary doesn’t have a listing for TEEN SNOW.

FLASH AHEAD: I type this at Kennedy Airport while waiting for a flight to San Francisco. The airport: a place I like even less than an Apple store and only slightly more than a hospital or morgue. I sit by the food concessions near the departure gate. The smell of French fries forces itself into my nose like The Top forces one of those ball gags into the mouth of The Bottom in an S&M movie.

An obnoxious blonde 2 tables down shouts into her iPhone^TM You’re just gonna die... I mean did you see...

My computer is plugged into a bank of iPads^TM that offer buttons to press for food brought right to your table. Wow, just like a real restaurant!

For someone who travels as much as I do, you’d think I’d hate airports less than I do. You’d be wrong. Of course I hate SECURITY most, but there’s more. I hate the whole sterile atmosphere. The screaming babies. The smell of French Fries. The Americans... the kind you don’t see in New York: fat... screaming little bundles-of-joy in tow... soda-drinking, Whopper-eating... blond... Americans. White trash without the good food. Rednecks without the moonshine. Tourists without the innocence. At least a hundred people are within my vision. Not one of them is smiling.

I’ve been more or less nauseous since this morning. Is it the egg salad I had for breakfast? No, it started before that. It must be the tension. Dad is in bad shape. Every time I see him, I think it can’t get any worse. It gets worse.

Since he’s been in hospice (that’s a blog), he’s gone downhill fast. Last time I saw him, he weighed less than 100 lbs... was on oxygen... his voice so faint I couldn’t understand him.

“I have a trip planned for next week,” I tell the hospice nurse. “Should I cancel it?”

“If it were my father, I would,” she says.

“You never know,” says my sister. “We’ve got to play it by ear... see what happens.”

I guess she’s right, but I’m so nervous I shut off my phone... dreading THAT text or THAT voicemail. My stomach tense... my blood pressure in the danger zone... I can’t concentrate. In a way, it’s a good time to get away. In another way, it bodes disaster.

Still, Passover calls... I’ve got family and friends... and somewhat of a life... it’s taking all my concentration... except... over there, by the Supersize Me sign... I love the way her jeans curve gently over her buttocks... bulging directly back, like a full parenthesis... must be Hispanic. What other girls have asses like that? Ah, a relief... a distraction. She sits down. It’s over.

The guy next to me must’ve paid his $9.95 for Internet access. He’s reading the news on the iPad^TM. I look over his shoulder.

NYTIMES.COM  says it’s still up in the air whether California can prohibit the sales of video games to minors. Strange coalitions form on both sides. Rightwing and leftwing libertarians on one side. The religious right and leftwing authoritarian mommies on the other. I’m betting on the badguys. They usually win. (Actually I was wrong here. Since this column was printed, the Supreme Court ruled CORRECTLY!! Overturning the California law.)

It reminds me of a YouTube video I saw a few nights ago. I can’t figure out who the host is. Maybe he works for Fox News. In any case, he wears a tie and sits in front of one of those blue screens they use to show TV within TV. The studio is cheap-looking. On the bluescreen is a pair of Congressmen. He’s interviewing them about the U.S. war in Libya. They’re opposed to it.

They’re not talking about the morality of the war itself, but about how The President just went ahead and did it. The Constitution says only Congress has the power to declare war. The constitution hasn’t been important for the past several years... maybe more.

That would be mildly interesting. What turns it from mild to spicy is the two people being interviewed: Ron Paul, the most conservative Congressman-- from the hated state of Arizona... and Dennis Kucinich, the most left Congressman... and a guy who is right about almost as much as I am. What the fuck?

Here they are, both agreeing that Obama has usurped his power, declared war wrongly, and created an imperial presidency. Wow!

A great man (me) once wrote a song called CRASSDRIVER. It was about how the left and right were the same. But in that song, I was saying they were both full of shit. Now, they’re both RIGHT!

And then, take Tolstoy... please!

Actually, it’s not Tolstoy, but just a character in Anna Karenina. For him, lower classes are conservative, Christian, monogamous, and boring. Then there’s the rest of us.

In England 2011, the riots against the government are not corporate financed tea parties: conservative, Christian and boring. They’re anarchists, socialists... a bunch of them poor people. The government cuts in France aren’t being welcomed by the French equivalent of the Koch brothers. They’re being fought by the French equivalent of that construction guy who calls out Hey babe... anybody tell you you’ve got nice tits?

Even punk rock, that musical style that began in America as a middle-class reaction to White overblown rock music and Negro (and gay) disco. When it crossed the ocean, poor people took it over. When it came back, it turned from Skrewdriver to The Dead Kennedys.

What the fuck? Things aren’t like they should be. Who’s conservative? Who’s liberal? Who’s a lefty? Is punkrock rightwing or leftwing? What does that mean anyway? Fuck if I...

WAIT A MINUTE!! I GOT IT!! It’s not TEEN SNOW at all! It’s TEENS NOW! TEEN SNOW-dot-fuckin’ com is TEENS NOW-dot-fuckin’ com. How did I miss that?

I just divided it in the wrong place. I split the words where the words shouldn’t have been split. As usual, pornography answers life’s most profound questions.

It’s not a question of left or right, punk or non-punk, dead Dad or live Dad. I’ve been dividing the world where the world shouldn’t have been divided.

Kucinich-Paul makes perfect sense. Both politicians believe the U.S. should avoid doing harm in the world. Both believe that money spent killing people in other countries is not money well spent. Kucinich believes that money should be spent on people who need it. Paul believes that money should be returned to the people who had it before the government took it. THAT’S the dividing line. The idea of left and right is irrelevant.

Skrewdriver was just as punk as Crass. Working-class Sham 69 was no punker than middle-class Ramones. GG Allin is punk. Green Day is punk. Fast music and a fuck-you attitude... that’s the line. It’s not politics, popularity or personality. If you inspire people to throw themselves at one another, sing along, say fuck you to someone with power. It’s punk. Anarcho, pop, post, crusty... they don’t mean shit. You're dividing things in the wrong places.

Dad may indeed kick the bucket while I’m here in California. He may go before this plane touches ground. I could land, call Cousin Shirley from the airport and hear her teary voice on the other end. I have no control. Go or not will not change the end. People die. When they die, we do things (cry, go to funerals, cemeteries, figure out what debts to skip out on, where to go from here). Life and death is what happens. One is the end of the other. There’s no dividing at all.

ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (god@mykelboard.com) or website viewers (mykelsblog.blogspot.com) will get live links and a chance to post comments on the column]

--> I hate Obama so I’m safe from hell dept: In Greenville South Carolina, Rev. Jay Scott Newman distributed a letter to his congregation. The letter told them that if they voted for Obama or any other “pro-abortion” politician, they “place themselves outside the full communion of Christ’s Church... Persons in this condition should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation.”

--> Recession? What recession? dept: The LA Times reports that the top executives of America’s 4 largest for-profit insurance companies got nearly $200 million last year. The insurance companies also forced double-digit premium hikes on their customers.

-->  Civil War redux dept: Tennessee Representative Zach Wamp said that states need to secede from the union if the Federal government continues in its current path. Says he, “I hope that the American people will go to the ballot box in 2012 so that states are not forced to consider separation from this government.” 
        I say, YEAH! America is way too big anyway. How ‘bout fifty countries? Then those guys can get what they deserve. Here, dividing lines are clear. Just look at a map.

-->  You want Palin with that? dept: Jim Hightower reports on the last week before the 2010 elections. Workers in a McDonald’s outlet in Canton, Ohio found instructions from their boss on how to vote.

    In a pamphlet with the McDonald’s logo, workers read, “If the right people are elected, we will continue with raises and benefits at or above the current levels. If others are elected, we will not.”
    Just in case the workers didn’t get it, the McDonald’s owner listed the Republican nominees for Governor, Senate and Congress, designating them as “the right people.”

-->  You want truth with that? dept: Republican ad-man Ben Mathis got famous actor Morgan Freeman to do an ad attacking North Carolina’s Democrats. Only he didn’t. Mathis hired a voice double to make the ad, copying Freeman’s voice.
    Says Mathis, “we, of course, never say that they are the actual celebrities, but voters recognize their voice and trust it.”

-->  I wonder if he got hard labor dept: Kyle sent me a clipping about a Swedish man who was sentenced to more than 2½ years in prison for stealing the Auschwitz ARBEIT MACHT FREI (Work Makes You Free) sign that was over the entrance to the concentration camp.

-->  One small victory dept: The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals struck down an Oregon law which criminalized giving or selling to minors “material containing descriptions or depictions of sexual activity.” This would have included material from sex eduction books, or Maximum RocknRoll when it runs my columns.

-->  Further on the censorship front dept: The Bible Literacy Project is a program for pushing bible-studies in public schools. It's gotten in trouble with Christian fundamentalists. Why? The group published a textbook called The Bible and It’s Influence using a picture where... gasp... Adam and Eve were NAKED! Fundamentalists complained. The textbook’s authors will soon make necessary changes. Besides, everybody knows that Adam and Eve were born wearing JESUS IS MY COACH t-shirts, right?

-->  Very End Endnote Dept: With nearly perfect timing, Dad died 2 days after my return to New York. He let me enjoy my time in California... both with my family and friends including early MRR founders and supporters: Ruth Schwartz, Jeff Bale, and Jello Biafra. I also hung with current MRR editrix Mariam, and a bunch of shitworkers. Though I missed a few important people (Adrienne and Martin among others) it was a great trip. I’m glad Dad let me enjoy it. Thanks Dad.

-end-

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