Liquid Refreshment or Mykel's March 2023 Blog or You're Still Wrong

 

Liquid Refreshment or Mykel's March 2023 Blog

  

You’re STILL Wrong

or

Mykel's March 2023 Blog/Column 

Liquid Refreshment

by Mykel Board

Most of the practice of medicine is plumbing 
                                                                 --J. Reisman MD

There are few moments of clarity more profound than those that follow the emptying of an overcharged bladder. The world slows down, the focus sharpens, the brain comes back on line. Huge nebulous difficulties prove on close calm examination to be merely cloud giants. - Tom Holt

You’re the reason I get up in the morning. That, and I need to pee. - Darynda Jones

I’m in Aachen… in French: Aix La Chapelle. It’s my favorite town in Germany. On the Dreilandepunt... where Germany, Holland and Belgium come together. Seat of the Holy Roman Empire. If they were still allowed to teach European history when you were in school, you know it’s where Charlemagne had his headquarters. There’s a bust of him in the local museum… with an actual piece of his skull in the statue’s head. For the Germans, he’s not Charlemagne, but Karl der Grosse... Karl the Great. 

In Aachen, I can have breakfast in Belgium, lunch in Holland and dinner in Germany… and walk to all of them. When I lived there in the 70s, everyone knew the back ways through the woods that avoided customs and border checks. Now that there’s a united Europe, everywhere avoids customs and border checks.

In the 70s, I needed to avoid those checks. Now I carry nothing more sinister than a bottle of schnapps… still no border check.

What a great system. Borders on maps only… maybe for voting or tax paying… but that’s it. Why can’t we make the world like that?

What can we do? When God asked me how to fix the world, I told her that the first thing is to open the borders. Make the US more European. Make the WORLD more European. Instead of a refuge city make a refuge country… a refuge world... where populations can move at will… where the only good passport is a dead passport... where moving between Turkey and Syria is no more difficult than moving between Manhattan and Hoboken.

Belgium is the center of the European government. Why can’t 405 East 42 St be the center of the World government?

FLASH TO BRUSSELS, BELGIUM: here we are at the Grand Place. Buildings older than I am… festooned with the flags of all free European countries… the joy of a united… Hold on… what’s this?

A Ukrainian flag… blue and yellow… or is it gold? I’d know it anywhere… a cloth-waving reminder of DIVISIONS. A flag-waving good-guy vs bad guy… cowboy vs indian… Patriotism for someone else’s country.

It’s the cold war again. THE COMMUNISTS. Aahrgh!

[ASIDE: As I write this there are reports of a crazy balloon… several others… of unknown function. Most probably for weather detection or to bounce radio waves for better internet reception. ] But let me talk about the first one right now. The big silver one:

It’s metallic… it’s floating… Quick, shoot it down!

KERPOW! We shoot it down… and THEY’re the bad guys… going back to…

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! FLASH TO 1958. I’m in third grade. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! It’s a test. I know that, but it’s still scary.

“Quick! Everybody under their desks! Now!” Mrs. Reinheimer is even stricter than she is when she’s telling me not to throw spitballs at Janet Kaprinski! “Get down! Now! Wait for the all clear.”

Those damn Russians… they’re going to nuke us. Our only protection is hiding under the desk.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ALL CLEAR. COME OUT NOW. FLASH AHEAD TO 1965. Ninth grade and we learn that only one country on earth has dropped a nuclear bomb… two of ‘em. That country isn’t Russia. Whoops. History tells the truth… we can’t have that.

Soon the US would invade Vietnam… and bomb Cambodia in the mix. So the Western European counties send aid to Hanoi… The Brits send Ho Chi Minh tanks. The French supplY the ammunition. The Spanish provide fighter jets. And the Luxembourg ships in advising officers to train the Vietnamese to fight the Americans.

Actually, none of that happens. The US the GOOD GUY. Invasion? What invasion? It’s not an invasion, it’s support… and the bombing? That’s AIR SUPPORT.

The US has invaded Cuba, overthrown governments in Chile, Guatemala, Iran, Indonesia… is responsible for more foreign deaths than any country since WWII… or maybe any country, ever. anywhere. But (usually) our “allies” support us, because, after all, we’re the good guys.

Every president of my lifetime, except Jimmy Carter (my favorite president) and Donald Trump, has wanted his own war... something to take credit for while showering death on the bad guys.

So I’m standing in the Grand Place in Brussels, thinking about all this. I’m with my pal Randy, who is from Trinidad and plays steel pan in the great Caribbean hardcore band Anti-Everything. Now he now lives in Brussels, getting his PhD in Acoustics.

“Mykel, do you think the Ukraine war is just a proxy war for Joe Biden and the Americans?” he asks.

“I think the Ukraine war is a proxy war for McDonnell-Douglas, Honeywell and Boeing,” I answer. “Biden knows Americans love war. We just wrinkle our noses a bit at all those body bags filled with Americans. Dead Americans give live Americans the heebie jeebies. Biden figured out a way to make billions for American companies, and let the Russians and the Ukrainians fill those body bags.”

Meanwhile, President Zelenskiy gets rock-star status and nobody says a thing when people like the pope, offer to negotiate to stop the war. The Ukrainians would rather fight… and blame it on the Russians.

Imagine there was a negotiator... someone even more skilled than the pope... someone with a good relationship with both the Russians and the Ukrainians…. someone who can… and has… just call up Vlad The Invader or Ladi Dadi Volody... arrange a big meeting and talk to them like old friends. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about… the last president. But there’s not a chance in hell of that happening. Don’t you know? The last president is A BAD GUY. IT’S BETTER TO FIGHT THAN TALK, right?

Okay, enough international politics… I wanna talk about piss. Every major trip I take… and that means hundreds… I bring a travel book with me. I wrote about the book in last month’s blog, but I’ll reprint the cover here… just so you’ll remember. 

In every other country I’ve been in, (there are 70 of ‘em) there’s some sort of disgust --yet childish pleasure-- in stuff that comes out of the body: blood, snot, shit… and piss.

I love talking/writing about that… er… shit. And I love the way it makes people squirm. It’s nasty, taboo, funny… in a word… two words… it’s punk.

Think of all the naked statues you’ve seen... maybe one or two could have served as jerk-off fantasies when puberty hit. Some had showers, water spurting from a vase, a seashell… anything but where it would mean PISS…. Except here: Land of the Manneken Pis.

Older than me, a 1695 pamphlet says The Manneken had become "an object of glory appreciated by all and renowned throughout the world." Yes, a statue of a little boy pissing… renowned throughout the world.

But wait… there’s more. It’s gotten better. Randy takes me on a Piss Tour of Brussels. There are four major stops… each better than the next. The tour doesn’t proceed in his preferred order. That’s not due to bad planning, but to my own prostate problems.

“Randy,” I tell him. “I’m going to have to break your piss tour because of my own needs. I can’t hold it much longer… if we don’t stop some place, I’ll be my own Manneken Pis, down my left leg.”

“Okay Mykel,” he says, “we’ll go a bit out of order. Follow me. Our next stop will be CHURCHEKEN PISS.”

Walking as best I can with my knees pressed tightly together, we go not far… to an historic church. We do not enter the church, but rather go around to the side where… in public… against one side of the building… is a little alcove with a pipe leading to a trough. A couple pieces of graffitied plywood.

Yep, that trough is a public pissoir. Against the wall of a church. You just go there, unzip, and let go… If the guy next to you is tall, you might just catch him glancing down at you...at the best spot.

YES! Pissing against the wall of a church! By invitation of the church! Can you get more Christian Punk than that? 

But wait! There’s more!

Even the hoary hand of feminism has touched Belgian Pis culture. In 1987, spurred by calls for fluid equality, the Brussels government okayed the installation of Jeanneke Pis… Yes! Viva las feministas! A GIRL pissing statue, 300 years after the boy. Originally, it was open and in a big public space. Unfortunately, most likely due to attempts (probably by foreigners) to steal or disfigure the statue. It now stands (squats) behind a padlocked iron cage… on a side street… called Jeanneke Pis Straat. I found a cageless picture in Wikipedia… but I’ve never seen it cageless myself. 

The last stop on our fluid tour of the city is a random street corner in the middle of town.

“Do you see our last exhibit?” Randy asks.

I turn my head right and left.. but I see nothing urinish.

“Look harder,” Randy says.

I start to stroke myself through my pants.

“That’s not what I mean,” he tells me. “Bend your neck.” 

Yes! This is so great! Equality at last!

When the evil mayor Rudy Giuliani pushed through anti-PUBLIC URINATION laws, they only applied to humans. I thought, what is this? Catholicism? Dogs can piss anywhere, but humans have a soul so they can’t piss in the street? What possible logic could say it’s all right for a dog to lift his leg and let go, but if a human does it… leg lifted or not… It’ll cost a hundred bucks? It’s as if the animals are free, but humans have to be on a leash.

Thus the tour ends and we go out for a beer. Every bar in Belgium, being famous for beer, has the names of its current offerings written in chalk outside.

I stop in here. And yes, the featured beer of the day is URINE BEER. I stupidly do not take a picture of the sign… but I sure enjoy my glass of it. Down to the last drop.

See you in hell.

Mykel Board

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

→ To Be Fair dept: I have to be fair to many of my well-meaning but wrong friends. Many of the older folks… my age and beyond if any are still alive… have been equal in their anti-invasionness. They were against America invading Vietnam AND just as against Russia invading Ukraine. I’m not sure, however, if they were as against negotiations then as they are now.

--> Early Endorsement Dept: The reason is complicated, but I saw Marianne Williamson in an interview. She was interviewed by Andrew Yang, who I have mixed feelings about. No mixed feelings about the girl, though! Sorry Sid, she's got my endorsement for the next election. 

→ Forgotten News Department: Back in 2021, the leftist British paper, The Guardian, ran a story about an oligarch head of a former Soviet Republic and his connections to billions in hidden money. His name? Volodymyr Zelenskiy. I guess Joe Biden’s oligarch sanctions don’t include him, right? It must be the t-shirt.

→ A Drop of Good News Dept: This from THE NATION:

See you in hell, redux,

MB

THE NATION AGAIN

I’m a long-time subscriber to the The Nation. It’s the only lefty publication that I find myself not only agreeing with, but also getting inspiration from. Strangely, when I post this stuff on facebook, no one looks at it. My “friends” would just rather call me a “Trumpist” or a “Republican” for all the times I don’t follow the party line. If it’s printed in THE NATION, it should give me street cred, right? Yeah right.

The February 20, 2023 issue has a great book review by Eric Foner. In this review, Foner talks about how ANOTHER war stoked people patriotism, and the general American love of war. And how besides killing people, it was a horror for civil liberties with books and newspapers being censored and people thrown in jail for criticizing the war effort. That war was World War One. I can’t wait to read the book about World War Three.

The same issue has an interview with Daniel Denvir. My favorite quote (changed slightly because it was in a different grammatical context):

The Democratic Party sold out workers and to smooth things over, joined Republicans in celebrating the spectacular punishment of immigrants, and in doing so, helped produce a cartoonish monster. The origins of Trump were bipartisan.

And to end it off, a super column by Katha Pollitt riffing on a real school banning of Muslim art… the ban started by Muslims.

Finally, there’s a terrific editorial that makes the publication the only truly anti-war leftist periodical in the US. And it fits perfectly with what I said in Belgium. (Nothing to do with piss.)

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I did a nice interview with The Aither zine. Interesting questions, complete, and questions I’ve never been asked before. You can read it here. It’s a good one.

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

Video of the week: My long-time friend Sid Yiddish appears on a YouTube DatingGame-like video. Guess who wins the bachlorette!

Jason Rodgers sent me his book Invisible Generation… free! And I lost it. Jason, a long-time partner of Suzy Poe, has been bugging me to review it… and I can’t. So the best I can do is promote it. I have a lot of respect for Jason… he is a libertarian (in the best sense of the word), and a super-smart guy. When/if I find the book, I’ll give you some more details. 

Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.

Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low

And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong.

Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.

Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both.

My long time pal, Jim Hayes rightfully complained about my leaving out his blog. He’s a great writer, so it was a tragic omission. Here it is.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com

My Last Day or You're Still Wrong... Mykel's February 2023 Blog

 

My Last Day or Mykel's February  2023 Blog

  

My Last Day

or You're STILL Wrong,

Mykel's February 2023 Blog

by Mykel Board

That's what moving about, traveling, is; it's this inexorable glimpse of existence as it really is during those few lucid hours, so expectional in the span of human time, when you are leaving the customs of the last country behind you and the other new ones have not yet got their hold on you.

--Louis Ferdinand-Celine

[NOTE: This blog is late because I’ve just returned from 6 weeks in Europe. (Fuck you UK, I’m including you in EUROPE! Wanna make somthin’ of it?) A lot has happened on the trip, but right now I want to focus on my last day.]

Ding ding deedle ding ding ding ding. Ding ding deedle ding ding ding ding. Ding ding deedle ding ding ding ding.

That fuckin’ wake-up tune on the cellphone. I don’t need it. I’m already awake. I can never sleep the night before a big trip. I try. Younglezbos.com and a shot of bourbon (Scotch in London)… does the trick most nights… except the night before the return trip to New York.

It’s freezing. The Brits believe in equality… not human equality, of course. They have a royal family, for fuck’s sake. But temperature equality. If God says it’s hot outside, then it has to be hot inside. If God says it’s cold outside, then it has to be cold inside. It’s below freezing outside… inside, my testicles have pulled themselves up into my body… to their ancestral home… anything to get warm.

I feel the cold in my chest… my back… my muscles tense… fighting it. I pull my pants up from the floor, underneath the down duvet… and slip… one leg at a time... into them. I sleep in a t-shirt, boxers, socks… with the heater on full blast... as close to the bed as it can be. Now I slip on my new down vest... under the covers... over my t-shirt. Then to the bathroom… even colder than the bedroom… pissing snowflakes into the ecotoilet.

Downstairs for a cup of coffee… careful not to overfill the kettle… a full kettle takes a full minute more to boil… electricity is expensive, don’t you know? Especially here.

My hosts are more awake than I am. Already sitting around the kitchen table… having tea not coffee. This is England, for God’s sake.

Looking out the back window, I see frost and the remains of yesterday’s snowfall. It would be beautiful, if it weren’t so damn cold. It’s 9 AM.

Anant is due to pick me up at noon. He wants to take me out for Peking Duck… my favorite food. There’s a place on the way to the airport… sort of. It’ll be our last meal together for some time.

I’ve got more stories about Anant. You might hear them later. He’s a pal I met in New York... at least 10 years ago. I’ve visited him in New York… in Bermuda…in India... now in England. About 30 years younger than me, I feel like his errant uncle.

Anant has a car. And, unlike my British hosts Claire and Alastair... who are my age and smiling through their own ailments to take care of me, Anant is as sound as a sitar. He runs marathons.

“Here are your housekeys,” I tell my hosts, handing them the keys. They trusted me this entire month... with their housekeys. There is even one like in those old movies where you look through the keyhole. The set allows me to come and go as I please. Would YOU trust me with YOUR housekeys? Their house is my house.

They want to cook me breakfast. Make me toast… welsh rarebit, cake from Claire’s birthday party yesterday. I decline, settling for another cup of coffee. I need to stay hungry for my duck lunch.

Right now, it’s back upstairs… pack my computer, my medicine bag, my dirty jeans now changed for a slightly cleaner pair… one not walked through the muddy banks of the Rhine.

The contents of my Ben Ten backpack (bought in India) and computer bag have expanded to an extra bag… filled with goodies for the folks back home. It takes me two trips to bring everything downstairs... close to the front door. I also have my heavy winter coat… an anathema here, as it is in tatters, and has a tendency to crush houseplants and wreck portable heaters.

By now it’s 11:45. Anant is one of the most punctual people I know. He should be here any minute now.

I open the front door… step out to look for him. He’s there, waiting in his car.

“Close the door, Mykel!” comes a shout from the kitchen.

“I can’t,” I shout back. “I don’t have the keys.”

“Close the door, Mykel,” comes a second shout from the kitchen… this one punctuated by a rasping cough.

“I can’t,” I cry again, feeling the pain I’m causing my host and hostess. But what can I do? I have to greet Anant, then take my bags out to the car and get in. How can I carry my bags through a closed door? And I have no key if I close it behind me.

By this time, my frozen hosts are pissed off enough to stomp into the hallway preparing to slam the door shut. Then, Anant appears.

“Oh,” says Claire, “he’s here. We thought you were just keeping the door open to look for him. Hello Anant, it’s great to see you again. Come on in and sit down.”

(Note: Anant is the perfect guest and perfect host… we’ll talk about that in a future blog. Everybody likes him, and he’s saved my ass more than once when I’ve faced a… er… sticky wicket situation.)

“I’d love to,” he says, “but I’ve got to get Mykel to his Peking Duck… and then the airport.”

He picks up Ben Ten and the computer bag. I carry the third bag… and before you know it we’re in the car.

Google tells us how to get to the duck place. Take the second right at the roundabout. Anant has it set for an American accent, but it still talks funny. What American would ever say “roundabout,” or ever “fuckin’ roundabout?”

We end up in North China… that’s the restaurant name. And, from my Japanese, I recognize the Chinese character for North.

“I know the second character means North,” I tell the waiter. “What does the other character mean?”

He looks at me… eyebrows narrowed… like I’m putting him on. Then, he smiles and tries to act nonchalant, as if you met a really rich, really stupid, person and had to indulge him.

“China,” he answers with a straight face.

Lunch is great. Peking Duck, and… an absence of vegetarian options…right up my meat-eating alley. I noticed on this trip that, even in Germany, there were more “vegetarian options” than there used to be. It’s such a fashion… like torn jeans and Doc Martins… except with more religious-type overtones.

After Peking Duck, we’re off again. Ms Google, with her American accent is guiding us past the lorries... through the roundabouts... onto the motorway.

As we drive, Anant explains my non-vegetarian options. “At the airport, I can pay for short-term parking,” he tells me, “and stay with you until you leave… or I can drop you off at the terminal.”

“How far will I have to walk with my bags?” I ask.

“We’ll be at terminal 4,” he says. “That’s the Virgin Atlantic terminal. If I drop you off, it’ll be right there. Even if you have to change gates or terminals you can easily change… except to Terminal 5. That’s the new one, British Airways exclusive... far away from everything and a pain in the ass to get to… but you’re not taking British Airways.”

“Okay,” I tell him, “just drop me off. It’ll save you some money and I’ll have less distance to go with my bags.”

“Terminal 4 drop off.” Anant tells Ms Google, “Virgin Atlantic.” She continues her directions.

I didn’t plan on taking Virgin Airlines. I HATE Virgin Airlines. I took them around 1990. The service was so bad… (I had to walk to the stewardess’s room to ask them for my dinner) and the flight was so late, I vowed never to take them again. So I booked my return trip from London with Delta… you guessed it. I got a ticket on a “partner airline”: VIRGIN fuckin’ AIRLINES.

So here we are, pulling into the parking lot at Terminal 4. There is a sign:

£5 service charge for drop offs…automatically billed to your license plate

Then there’s, VIRGIN ATLANTIC in huge letters on the side of the building. Anant helps me with my bags and we hug goodbye.

Inside the terminal is a line… a huge line… it snakes around the entire building 8 rows deep when you finally get to the ribbons and stanchions. Before that, the line passes some self-service machines, then to the lounge stairway on the other side of the terminal, then to the elevators where people exiting, just stand at the end of the line, making it longer...… There are hundreds of people… maybe a thousand.

I hate self-anything, except pleasure. I never use self-checkout at CVS. I don’t punch in my order at McDonalds. I use New Jersey gas stations that don’t have self-service. But I’m 3 hours early, and this line must be at least two and a half hours long. I head for the self-service check-in machines.

I slide my passport into the machine. It correctly identifies me and bids me hello. It asks for my flight number… I enter it. It asks if I’m checking any bags. I tell it NO. It asks me to wait. I wait.

SEE AGENT

Says the screen. I slam by fist against the machine, just missing that screen.

“I PUT MY PASSPORT ON YOUR FUCKIN’ SCREEN SO I WOULDN’T HAVE TO WAIT 2 HOURS TO SEE AN AGENT,” I yell at it.

A big man in a uniform begins walking toward me. I pick up my bags and walk to another uniformed attendant, standing and directing traffic.

“That machine told me to see an agent,” I tell her. “How do I do that.”

“You just get at the end of this queue,” she says, pointing toward the elevators.

By now the line passes the elevators and continues toward who-knows- where. Two hours pass before I reach the beginning of the roped, official line-standing line.

Another hour passes, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll miss my plane. There are still 4 long rows of people ahead of me in the check-in line.

Then there is a man… dark suit, white shirt and tie. He unhooks one of the ropes from a stanchion… near the start of the line. He slides forward… stepping sideways. 

Him: Anyone for the 6:15 flight to New York?
Me: Me
Him: Do you have a seat reservation?
Me: No.
Him: Come this way.

He pushes his way through the winding lines. Open the connecting ribbons.

“Please go to window 2 or 3,” he says.

It’s another line, shorter, but not moving. A young official-looking man behind the window talks to an older touristy-looking man with perfectly groomed gray hair.

I can’t hear what they’re saying, but the gray-haired man looks upset. From another window, a woman in a uniform comes to our little line and talks to the people in front. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but she runs off and returns several minutes later.

There is a pile of paper in front of the next window. I grab a sheet:

Suddenly, I find myself at the head of the line… talking to the guy behind the window.

Him: I see you’ve read the letter.
Me: Yes, but I don’t understand it.
Him: You cannot take the flight tonight. The plane is full.
Me: (I swallow)
Him: You have a choice. I can put you on a British Airways flight to Newark tonight. Or you can take a Virgin Atlantic flight tomorrow to your original destination.
Me: I’ve got to get out of here. This is crazy. I’ll go to Newark… anything.
Him: Just a moment sir, I need to see your passport.
Me: (I hand it to him)
Him: (types into the computer. There is a whirring sound. He hands me a piece of thick paper) Here is your ticket sir. You have to go to Terminal Five. You have a new flight on British Airways.
Me: Terminal Five??? How do I get there?
Him: Just go to the elevator over there. (He points to where the line used to start.) Instructions are on the wall.
Me: Will I have to wait on a huge line again at the other terminal?
Him: I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know the situation at other airlines.

The signs by the elevators explain that I need to take an airport train to terminal five. I can find the train by following other signs that say TO TERMINAL FIVE. My shoulders ache from carrying the bags and the backpack. Every step is painful… and there are a fuck of a lot of steps… Tunnel after tunnel... fork after fork... up stairs and downstairs. To the train… change trains… I somehow make it toTerminal 5.

The gate for my flight is not posted yet. I get a beer at the terminal bar… paying a ridiculous price… and not caring.

Then, a quick trip to duty free. A bottle of booze for me, and one for my landlord. (I give him one every year… for Chinese New Year.)

I check the schedule board. There it is, gate C62. I go through ticket check-in, take-off-your-belt security and come out the other end.

“How do I get to gate C62?” I ask a beautiful black woman, dressed like a stewardess.

She points to a tunnel in the opposite wall. Just follow the tunnels to the train to the C-section.

I do not make a C-section joke.

Through tunnels... up stairs... down escalators… through more tunnels… onto a train… two stops… through another tunnel… into the evil TERMINAL 5.

Not too long after, I’m on the plane. Way in the back, within smelling distance of the restrooms. At least I’m sitting down. In a plush seat… next to the window. A frail older woman sits in the middle seat next to me. Next to her, in the aisle seat, sits a monster: 9-feet tall... fat as a sumo-wrestler.

I know I’ll have to crawl over both these people to take a piss. I can already feel my bladder filling. Okay, I’ll read… keep my knees tight together... my book club book: The Unseen Body. 

It’s about medical stuff most people never talk about: shit, piss, snot, blood. Written by a doctor, It’s a revelation… I’m learning how much doctors are disgusted by the same things normal people are. Did you know your doctor does not like sticking his finger up your ass? Wow!

I try to turn on the overhead light. I find a lightbulb icon in the TV screen in front of me. I press it. The light over the giant’s seat turns on. He reaches up to try to operate it manually. I turn it off from my video screen. He settles down, probably thinking he fixed it himself.

I try reaching up to turn the light on manually. There is no manually. I reach across the old woman and tap the giant on the shoulder.

“Would you mind trying to turn on your light?” I ask him. “I think it’ll turn on my light. Just press the bulb icon on your screen.” I point with my chin.

He frowns, looks at the screen, presses the icon. Sure enough, the light comes on. I start the MUCUS chapter.

After an hour, dinner comes. I’d promised myself not to eat it because something has been making me sick every night around dinner time. I eat. I cough. I cough more… I puke up dinner… rinse repeat. I can’t figure if it’s the time of day, the eating itself or the booze that invariably comes with it.

Talk about disgusting! When I have these coughing fits, I run for the bathroom. Usually, I make it to the toilet in a blast of gags, lung loogies and more… the remains of a dinner eaten, along with beer, whiskey,.. splash out of me into the toilet… in great gobs… then again and again... every night… a little bit in the morning too. But in the evening and later, it strikes with such vengeance I expect it will kill me.

My nearly 5 weeks in Europe, my 34 days... my 816 hours...there has been scarcely an hour where by body hasn’t been bursting with the urge to fart, shit, sneeze or cough… especially cough. Covid test negative… had my flu shot… I’ve always had a weak lungs… especially the left one… but why now? The cold? The damp? The smokers? I don’t know but… excuse me while I fart….

So I’m skipping dinner tonight. Airline food? Chicken or a vegetarian salad? I like chicken, but airplane chicken? Besides, I feel sorry for the old lady next to me. I’d hate to puke in her lap.

“What would you like for dinner, sir? We have a choice of chicken or moussaka.” The steward is big… fat with a red beard.

Moussaka? Greek lamb and cheese? Oh yeah! Tasty as Peking Duck! I haven’t had moussaka in years. Oh boy!

“I’ll have the moussaka.” I tell him.

He hands me the tray:

I eat it anyway,,, It’s awful… served with an ice-cold bun and a cup of something that looks like the toilet after I get through a coughing fit. 

The plane lands in Newark with a thud. Being in the back,  I have to wait for the aisle ahead of me to clear. It’s about 11:30 by the time I enter the airport from the plane. I expect I will be strip-searched by an unattractive customs agent... then questioned about my duty-free booze… two liters, not the officially allowed two quarts. 

Pack on my back, computer bag, filled with books as well as the computer, headphones and other shit. Plus a bag filled with omiyage… mostly Belgian chocolate versions of the manneken pis.

I’ll be busted for kiddie porn! I know it!

None of that happens. The trip through immigration and customs is as easy as taking a beer shit. From there, it’s a free train from the airport to “the train station,” as if there were only one. From the train station $8 (old people’s discount) to Penn Station in New York. Then, a subway to Bleecker Street. Then HOME.

It’s 1:30 AM. I sit on my bed… coughing up a little vegetarian moussaka… and without even a first New York self-pleasure… I fall asleep.

See you in hell.

Mykel Board

THE NATION AGAIN

I’m a long-time subscriber to the The Nation. It’s the only lefty publication that I find myself not only agreeing with, but also getting inspiration from. There are two articles in the current issue I’d like to recommend herel Strangely, when I post this stuff on facebook, no one looks at it. My “friends” would just rather call me a “Trumpist” or a “Republican” for all the times I don’t follow the party line.

One article is a great one. It’s about How the courts keep the wrongfully convicted from proving their innocence. For many people, the idea of innocent until proven guilty, has been complete lost. You can find the article here.

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me on facebook or by email at mykelboard@gmail.com. Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available. Send me an email with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line. Back blogs and columns are at https://mykelsblog.blogspot.com]

→ A big thanks and lots of love to my friends who helped me out in Europe: Claire and Alastair Jackson Bruce and Anant of this story in London, Randy with his piss-tour in Brussels, Rudolf and pal Nelma in Hamont (where?), Walter and Maria in Aachen, Couch-surfing pals Yechen and beau in London and Lucee and Nils in Germany, Claudio, Doris, and Birgit, also in Germany. Then there was the spectacular Carmella M and (separately, but also spectacular) Andy Martin of Unit and The Apostles, and Jamie also in London. Yeah that’s a fuck of a lot of people in a month. But that was the purpose of this trip. PEOPLE more than places.

See you in hell, redux,

MB

LINK TRADE DEPARTMENT:

I read that the search engines like lots of links... and it's also nice to support my friends and enemies in their blogs. So facebook me or email me if you have a blog, webpage or something else to connect to. I add you. You add me.

Here's a start:

Video of the week: My long-time friend Sid Yiddish appears on a YouTube DatingGame-like video. Guess who wins the bachelorette!

Here’s Richard Goldberg: goldberg.wordpress.com

Poetry and humor fans will like Justin Martin in The Latency

And my friend Mike R has a nice site with recipe hits from the past! (He cooked for me once... great stuff.) Check out Yesterday's Recipes.

And here's one by a member of ANTI-SEEN... a tour diary of sorts.

Andy Shelton has an interesting blog here.

Savage Hippie is a guy who has been YouTubing for a long time. Our opinions largely overlap... but he complains that I'm a Communist. I'm not! I'm a communist.

Chris Stecher publishes a zine called PRECIS. You can see the back issue links there... and he promises a new issue soon.

George Fertakis has a very nice graphics-heavy blog... with music and books featured prominently. If there’s no link here (I can’t find it temporarily), then Google… er… Duckduckgo him for information.

And my long-term pal Sid Yiddish contributes with his Mishegas Master Blog.

And connect to TRUST Zine, a long-running German punk zine… that STILL PRINTS!!! Yeah, they have a website too… of course! It’s here.

Here are a couple video links.

This from Jon Cox https://squelchchamber1.bandcamp.com/album/down-so-low

And this one from my very long-time friend Roger Armstrong.

Jim Testa moved his long running zine, Jersey Beat, to the blogosphere awhile back. You can read it here. Jim also recommended a kind of unique album… in a style you don’t see to much of these days… or any days. Neo-Hassidic Rock Opera. You can stream the album here.

Kyle Nonneman is in prison in Portland. At least he can’t be kidnapped by the secret police… I think. I post his blog for him, he can’t do it from the klink. Lots of stuff about noise metal… and some very weird politics that will either fascinate or repulse you… or both.

My long time pal, Jim Hayes rightfully complained about my leaving out his blog. He’s a great writer, so it was a tragic omission. Here it is.

Oh yeah, then there’s me. I have a blog of stuff I’ve written mostly from last century. You might enjoy it. Then again, you might not. It’s here.

Let me know if you have a blog… or a print zine… or a YouTube and want to be added to the list. You show me yours… you’ve already seen mine. god@mykelboard.com