(MRR 341) Mykel Refuses To Keep His Shirt On

  

 If you want to read more about Mykel's adventures in Albania, The US South-- or life in General-- check out Mykel's Diary For a look at the weird, the scary and the funny in real life, check out Mykel's Article's and Propositions.

You're Wrong
An Irregular Column
Column for MRR 341
October 2011

by Mykel Board

aka  Mykel refuses to keep his shirt on.

If people vote themselves into slavery and give up their liberty, is this freedom? --Isaiah Berlin

It's 1995... the same Toronto anarchist festival I wrote about last week. That was the Vegan Reich story. This one's about Alekz Vermont... and some other girl... I can't remember her name.

It's like a dream. I'm in an open field. Two girls are chasing me. Two attractive girls... the kind I usually wouldn't run from... but would turn to... nuzzling my muzzle between their legs... savoring the clitoral sea breeze.. lapping languidly between the labia. 

But now they haven an agenda. They want to hurt me, I think. So I run. 

BLAM!!! Something hits the back of my legs. I'm down... tackled... like a football player. The other girl... the one who's not Alekz... grabs my KLANARCHY t-shirt... SCRRRRRT... tears it... tears it off... Then Alex is on my shirtless self... her knees on my shoulders... She does not lower herself, pressing her luscious mons veneris into my face. Instead, out comes a magic marker... a thick one... indelible... She draws two arrows on my chest... one pointing to each nipple. Under the arrows... equally indelible... she prints THESE ARE TITS TOO.

Then they skedaddle... both of them... waving my shirt like a captured flag... off... to wherever girl anarchists go when they strip a boy... gone... leaving me to walk around half naked... for the rest of the day... smiling at cops who have better things to do... Some anarchists asks me what it means. I shrug.

 

1999: I'm happier than a Christian at a book-burning. At ABC NO Rio... one of my top 20 live bands of all time. Mmmm boy.


They were on the cover of Flipside. I heard the record, saw them at CBGBs. Now I can get even closer. 

As usual, Esneider is at the door. I hand him my $5. He stamps the NO VALUE rubber stamp into the pad and then on the inside of my wrist.  

“Be careful today, Mykel,” he says. “Stay out of the pit. They've got the most vicious pit I've ever seen.”

“I'm five foot three inches tall,” I remind him. “I weigh 130 pounds. I NEVER go into the pit.”

“But Mykel,” he says, “sometimes the pit goes into you.”

Inside, the tiny club is packed. Back in those days, the shows were in the basement. There was no ventilation. It was always hot. 

A packed house and a tough pit means SUPERHOT. Maybe people will take off their shirts. Yeah!

I stand on the side... in back of a short attractive girl. She'll be a buffer in case the going gets tight. I've got a great view of the band. Shirts have already come off because of the heat.

Then the music starts. Wowee! Slam-away. Fuck, right in the ribs... in the shoulder... OUCH! ...in the balls... I back off more... a little more peace... 

Then the lead singer, Lynn, takes her shirt off. Yeah, it's TRIBE 8, the best Lesbo band in herstory. And Lynn, the greatest of the great, has the balls to take her shirt off at a punkrock show. Just like everyone else. Tits like everybody else has. Yeah!

The academic part:  Kurt Vonnegut once wrote a story about equality. In that story, the society required everyone to be equal. So if somebody lost the sight in one eye, everybody had to wear blinders on one eye to make them equal.

In the quest for equality, people walk around with weights on their legs or an arm tied behind their backs. That makes them equal to the cripples among them. They are braced, their backs forced into a curve, to make them equal to those with scoliosis. They have earplugs to make them equal to deaf people. You get the idea. Equality is the first value.

Vonnegut is dead. (Sometime soon, I'll be HIS equal.) But he was not against equality. He was against a narrow view of equality-- a NEGATIVE equality that makes people equal at the bottom rather than at the top. 

I'll explain further: Imagine I have a gold pen. There are ten people sitting with me. We can make everyone equal in two ways. One is to give everyone else a gold pen. The other is to take away my pen. The former is a POSITIVE equality. The latter a NEGATIVE one.

The marriage equality act-- homo marriage-- is an example of NEGATIVE equality.


Right now, you can only get “free” health insurance if you're married to someone with paid insurance. You can only get hospital visitation rights, or child adoption rights if you're married. You can only file a joint tax return or get easy citizenship if you're married. You can only pass on your apartment to a spouse. Share veterans' discounts on medical care, education, and home loans with someone you're married to. You can only receive crime victims' recovery benefits if you're married to the victim (or if you are the victim.)

There are two ways of dealing with the inequality of laws related to marriage. NEGATIVE equality is to force more people into marriage and thereby strengthen the institution. The other is to get the government out of the marriage business completely and make no special privileges based on what should be a religious institution. 

POSITIVE equality is to eliminate all marriage laws. Make all people-- married or not, homo, het or neither-- equal. Instead, homos decided to put blinders on the rest of us. Weigh down one leg to make us equal. So now New York has gay marriage. And insurance companies that used to insure “domestic partners,” now require marriage! The freedom to marry becomes the DUTY to marry, and with gay-marriage it's harder than ever to escape.

2011: I'm reading Razorcake, home to former MRR columnists and those who'd like to be. Amy Adoyzie is one of my favorites... a girl that doesn't act like one... until now.

Jeezus fuckin' Christ. She's writing about how punk rock boys make girls uncomfortable... You know how? By taking their shirts off. That's how.

When you take off your shirt in a hot, muggy basement show, you're not just trying to cool yourself off. You're saying something with your body and who you are. You're saying “I'm a dude and as a dude, I can take my shirt off in a room full of other people...” You're unknowingly asserting your dude-ness for all to see. You're saying, “Check me out. I'm a fucking dude.”

And you know what? That makes some people feel unsafe. Just because you think it's innocuous doesn't mean it is. Just because you don't agree that it makes people feel unsafe doesn't mean it doesn't. Put your fucking shirt on.

Fifteen years after Tribe 8 opens the door to a POSITIVE equality, we've got a girl here saying NOT that girls should be able to take their shirts off... but that boys shouldn't! 

Just like the right to marry is actually the duty to marry... and increases inequality for those who choose not to. The right to comfort is the way to limit the freedom of others who choose to... to... show their tits.

In Europe, toplessness is the order of they day... for men and women. Alas, even in the punkrock world, this is not Europe.


Hey Amy, these are tits too! Instead of saying I shouldn't be free to take my shirt off-- you should be saying you should be free to take off yours. Instead of saying Cover up boys, you should be saying Take it off girls. Your freedom doesn't come from my repression. It comes from your own liberation.

ENDNOTES:  [email subscribers god@mykelboard.com) or website viewers (www.mykelboard.com) will get live links and a chance to post comments on the column]

-->That gives me an idea dept: The Texas Office of the Comptroller granted tax-exempt status to THE CURCH OF FREETHOUGHT, an "atheist church" in Texas. After an initial denial and run in with Americans United for Separation of Church and State, government officials backed down.
   The Comptroller's original objection said if they granted the status it would lead to applications from "any wannabe cult who dresses up and parades down Sixth Street on Halloween."
    Hmmm, dress-up anyone?

--> Where? dept: We all know that the locations of most phones can be tracked, either via their built in GPS devices or by triangulating the signals they bounce off the cellular towers. And not only is it possible to figure out where a phone has been, you can also get software or online services that will let you track the location of a phone in real time. You can keep tabs on your teenagers, other family members, employees, or someone you want to stalk. In addition to the location (as it moves), you can also find out how fast it's going.

      One such service, which works with certain Blackberry, Windows Mobile and Android phones, is AccuTracking. Since it's probably illegal for me to say some hackers should get on 'em ASAP... I won't. But I can imagine posting some way you can attach a fake tracking chip to a stray cat or a street crazy. Attach a fake device to a hamster, and let it loose in the subway. Watch a panicky parent call the cops as their “child” runs down a subway tunnel in front of a raging train.
    Not that I'd propose such a thing. Who me? Such a proposition is likely to be illegal.

-->Speaking of where dept: Gizmo.com reports that Google has a bunch of places that Google Maps won't show you. According to the site, most of the censored places look like imaging anomalies, rather than some big black bar with "CENSORED" written in large text.
    You can see 18 of them at: tiny.cc/mapcensor. You can also ask Google what's up widdat?

-->Corporate humans vs Union humans: The Supreme Court ruled that corporations and unions are "humans" with the ability to fund candidates with no limits. The corporations go to the conservatives. The unions go to the liberals.
     NOW do you get why so many Republican state governors are trying to break the unions? And there's a new law now in the House of Representatives. Republicans introduced bill HR 1135 that denies foodstamps to any family if a member is out on strike. How low can they go? Maybe I shouldn't ask.

-->For the good of the kids dept: THE UK Government says it's fighting “the early sexualization of children” by blocking internet pornography unless parents request it. The move is intended to ensure that children are not exposed to sex as a routine by-product of the internet.
    Instead of using parental controls to stop access to pornography - so-called "opting out" - the tap will be turned off at the source. Adults will then have to "opt in."
   More info at: http://tinyurl.com/UKpornban

-->It shudda been my parents dept: Landon & Anette Parris of Nashville pleaded guilty to hiring a stripper for their son's 16^th birthday. They were sentenced to two years' probation and ordered to take “parenting classes.”
     I say they should be TEACHING those classes.

-end-

Mykel Asks the anti-Fascists to Look in the Mirror (MRR 340)

You're Wrong

An Irregular Column

by Mykel Board

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.” --Ernest Benn

It's 1977: The Sex Pistols have stolen punkrock from New York and shipped it to London. They're changing the fashion a bit. Making it more Carnaby Street... and at the same time, more offensive. That's the idea of punkrock, ya know?

“Piss on your ancestors,” said proto-punker Patti Smith. 

Only the Brits can make piss into a fashion. And what could be more piss-making than THE NAZIS? Something rude for every occasion. Sid Vicious walks down the stairs, at a very polite concert... in a Swastika shirt.

 

Flash ahead to 1986: ARTLESS is on tour in The South. We're just leaving West Virginia. I wear a SKREWDRIVER t-shirt given to me by one of our hosts.

“Mykel,” asks Gavin, “can't you find us some more fascists to stay with? Those guys fed us well, gave us clean beds, and didn't keep us up all night playing Crass records. Those other guys, those anarchists we usually stay with... they're filthy. The food is awful... and they won't let us sleep.”

 

Flash ahead to 1995: The anarchist festival in Toronto. I stay at the house of MRR columnist Steve Beaumont. (A decade later he'll be a world-famous beer writer.) Also at the house are a bunch of guys I don't know from some band I don't know. They're funny and friendly. I've never seen them before.

“What's the story on those guys?” I ask Steve. 

“Oh Mykel,” he says, “you're in for a surprise. That's VEGAN REICH.”

The big guy in the band wears an even bigger t-shirt with MEAT IS MURDER stenciled on the front. He's fiddling around in his backpack.

“Got it!” he says, taking out a box of something. 

“What's that?” I ask. 

“It's tofuburger mix,” he says.

“Yuck!” I answer. “I wouldn't eat that shit in a million years.”

“That's what you think,” he says. “Steve, get the camera.”

And he reaches for me. 

I'm out the door... sprinting across the front yard... into the next yard. I can easily outrun this big guy, I think. I think wrong.

Blam! I'm on the ground. Tackled like some football player. Another guy from the band kneels over me. I can't see him clearly. Things are a blur. I'm face up. The guy clamps my head between his knees. He reaches over my face and squeezes my jaw, forcing my mouth open. He does not open his fly and lower his turgid tumor into my mouth. Instead, the big guy, who's faster than he looks, has that box of Tofu Burger Mix open in his hand. He pours it into my mouth. 

It's like he's force-feeding me sand. Awful. Grains of tasteless nothing... filling my mouth... spilling over my cheeks... clustering first around then into my ears. I'm gonna suffocate. I can't talk... breathe... nothing. I try to shake my head... turn away from the granular invasion. The other guy's knees keep my head just where it is.

Then it's over. 

They let go of me. And they help me stand up. 

I spit out the crap. Stick my fingers into my mouth to scrape the insides of my cheek. Steve is laughing behind the camera. The Vegan Reich guys are laughing. My piss-offedness turns to laughter. It really is funny.

 

Flash ahead to 2003: Two years after Al Qaeda (or SOMEBODY) drove a couple planes into the World Trade Center... and one into the Pentagon.

Suddenly, all Muslims have become terrorists in the eyes of America. More than that... everyone who wears a turban... Muslim or Sikh... Christians in Ethiopia wear turbans for Allah's sake... all have become THE ENEMY.

The enemy? Hey: it could be like Sid Vicious in his swastika shirt... singing My Way. What could be punker in the 21^st Century than becoming a Muslim? In my April Fool's column of 2002, I explained my conversion to that religion.

This year, Vegan Reich says: 

 

Perhaps the outward form varied, due to time and place variations. But essentially, every message has been that of "Tawhid," or "divine Unity." Islam includes Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Christianity and accepts their Prophets as being Prophets of Islam. So that is why I came into the din or faith of Islam. To me it seemed to have the most inclusive attitude and complete understanding of spirituality that I had found in many years of searching. And on the outward level, I think it is one of the only traditions that really is inclusive of all racial backgrounds, and absolutely revolutionary in it's demand for social justice.

Are they serious?... or is this just an extension of the elaborate put-on that included me being force-fed tofu in Canada? I don't know. Good satire/parody should skirt the border of reality... touching the possible and the funny at the same time.... like THE ONION. If it's a satire, it's a great one. If it's sincere... it's still funny as hell.

 

Flash ahead to 2011: The Saudi Arabian punk band Sound of Ruby covers GG Allin's Bite It You Scum. You can see it on YouTube live in a Bahraini disco, complete with the mirror ball and Saudi punks in white robes. Real Muslims assuredly pissing off their world. I love it.

Meanwhile, in England, there's THE SLIMELLIGHT, a venue for Industrial and Goth bands... maybe neo-folk, I haven't been able to figure it out yet. Actually, I don't even know what neo-folk is. Billy Bragg? Not so neo, I'd say.

The Slimelight has been the subject of much protest, including boycott calls... and calls to shut them down. 

Of course, music clubs throughout history-- from Negro Jazz through Rock'n'Roll through Punkrock to Hip Hop-- have ALWAYS been the subject of shutdown attempts. Good music is threatening. Those who feel threatened want to shut it down. 

But this shutdown call is new. It's organized by Islington Alarm a buncha lefty Brits who don't like the “fascist” aspects of this music. Some Celtic Crosses, and band members in right-wing organizations... or having friends with memberships in right-wing organizations... or being EX-members of right-wing organizations. Without really defining fascism, they brand bands or members as fascist and try to ban them from playing.  

In a related blog, Vegan Reich are called fascist because “they're Muslim.” WHAT???

I'll explain. In England, fascist is a common left-wing bully word, similar to the American hate-group. (The U.S. Southern Poverty Law Center brands more than 1000 American organizations as Hate Groups. This includes a number of bands like Tightrope, Fetch the Rope, and Poker Face.)

What is a fascist? For the average British crusty anarchist, it's anyone with a totalitarian attitude. Anyone who thinks “My way is the only way.” Of course, a certain fashion sense, as well as a certain degree of cleanliness, helps.

But what does  fascist REALLY mean? Why not ask a fascist? This is the internet age. You can do anything.

So I go to  americanfascistmovement.com to see what they say. I don't have space for the whole list, but here are some key points:

*****

Fascism is NOT Racism or Nazism. Races, though unique, are equal. Individuals, however, are not.

Fascism is NOT Materialism: Fascism does not see history as class struggle, and denies that there is nothing to life, and power politics, except what one can put in one's mouth or pocket.

Fascism is NOT Globalism: The integrity of all cultures must be preserved. 

Fascism is NOT Capitalism or Communism: Those are materialist systems that promote degeneracy and crush the human spirit.... Man cannot live on peace, land and bread alone

Fascism IS Meritocracy: The degree of which men and women manifest honor and merit in the service of their country is determinant of their place in civil society. 

Fascism IS Nationalism: Everything in the state, nothing outside the state, nothing against the state.

Fascism IS Virtue: Above all: a Fascist believes in virtue and will thus tell you the truth and not just what you want to hear. Truth, courage, integrity!

*******

Hmmm, I like that NOT Racism or Nazism. I like that NOT Materialism or Globalism and NOT Capitalism or Communism. I could do without the Nationalism and Meritocracy, but I like the truth-telling part, at least when it comes to things political.

 

I score 5 out of 7 on the fascisto-meter. Does that make me a fascist? A 5/7 fascist? Does it matter?

No it does not. We can sit and debate the fascist or not of any person or band from here to Laibach. It's likely, just as some great literature has been written by real fascists (Ezra Pound, Celine), great music has been and is probably being made by other real fascists... whatever that means. 

If you don't like the politics, protest the politics. Present alternatives. Counter-demonstrate. If you don't like the music, don't listen to it.  

But trying to shut down what you don't like... especially if you shut down music because you don't like the politics. Why that's... that's fascist! Just ask any British crusty street punk.

ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (god@mykelboard.com) or website viewers (www.mykelboard.com) will get live links and a chance to post comments on the column]

-->Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Ass dept: US Congressional representatives Robert Aderhold and Nick Rahall co-sponsored a resolution which proclaims the "influence the King James Version of the bible has had on countless families, individuals and institutions." The resolution also "expresses gratitude for the influence The Bible has bestown (sic) upon the United States."

      A Michigan-based group called "the Bible Nation Society" lobbied for the bill during the giant budget debate. That society was founded by Pastor Douglas Levesque. In 2010, at a society conference, Levesque asserted that President Obama "might be the antichrist."

      It's good to know who's making the laws in THIS country!

-->Right in there, not even an amendment dept: Article VI of the U.S. Constitution says "No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification of any office or public trust under the United States." Clearly, that's why we've had so many atheists and Muslims in public office. Right?

-->Get that handbill design... free dept: I got a jail letter from Ryan Homsley aka Waldo. He's in the clink for bank robbery and he's an artist. (Pretty damn good too... I use his portrait of me for my Facebook pic.) He said he'd be happy to exchange handbill or poster designs for a letter. It gets lonely in jail.

So write to him: Ryan Hombsley,. #74767, MCDC, 1120 SW 3rd Ave., Portland OR 97204 Tell him what you want for a record sleeve, poster, or handbill... tell him about your life... tell him I sent ya!

-->Cursing the dark dept: California became the first state to outlaw the incandescent lightbulb. Typical of the mommyism of that state (they've also outlawed the sale of violent video games to youngsters), they've decided that despite the extra cost-- and extra mercury-- of fluorescent bulbs, they're better than the old hot-wire ones. Like the Brits they say, “If you don't like it... ban it.

    You used to have a choice: 25¢ for a bulb or $10 for one. Guess what happened to that choice.

-->Talk about Mommyism dept: A new Tennessee law makes it a crime to "transmit or display an image" online that is likely to "frighten, intimidate or cause emotional distress" to someone who sees it. Violations can get you almost a year in jail time or up to $2500 in fines.

     The ban on “distressing images” is an update to existing laws which already make it a crime to make phone calls, send emails, or otherwise communicate directly with someone in a manner the sender "reasonably should know" would "cause emotional distress" to the recipient. 

     For image postings, the "emotionally distressed" individual need not be the intended recipient. Anyone who sees the image is a potential victim. If a court decides you "should have known" that an image you posted would be upsetting to someone who sees it, you could face months in prison and thousands of dollars in fines.

    Now, if I lived in Tennessee, I'd protest my discomfort and “emotional distress” at every picture of Sarah Palin or Newt Gingrich. 

     Details at:  http://tinyurl.com/comfortoverfreedom

-->The end of scalping dept: The San Francisco 49ers football team joined with Ticketmaster to adopt paperless-only tickets. They became the first NFL team to officially restrict the rights of their fans.

    Now, fans have no control over what they can do with their own tickets. Instead, Ticketmaster dictates who they can give their tickets to, and how much that transfer will cost. Details at: http://tinyurl.com/endoftix

-->The beginning of the end dept: Remember how we railed against Google for caving into Chinese calls for them to censor their search engine in China? We've got a bigger problem now.

The "Combating Online Infringements and Counterfeits Act" (COICA) is an Internet censorship bill which is rapidly progressing through the Senate. Although it's supposed to focus on copyright infringement, a huge amount of other stuff, including political and other speech, could disappear off the Web if it passes.

     The main mechanism of the bill is to interfere with the Internet's Domain Name System, which translates names like "www.eff.org" or "www.nytimes.com" into the numerical IP addresses that computers use to communicate with each other. The bill creates a blacklist of censored domains. The Attorney General can ask a court to place any website on the blacklist if infringement is "central" to the purpose of the site.

There are already laws in place for taking down sites that violate the law. This act would allow the Attorney General to censor sites even when no court has found they have infringed copyright or any other law.

    Strange how that  Wikileaks site just happens to infringe on something, isn't it? You doubt it? Why just ask the Attorney General. He'll tell ya.

   Details at:  http://www.eff.org/coica

-->Whoa yeah! dept: From a so-to-be interfered with website: “Jesus Diaz—Lulzsec and Anonymous declare war on all governments, banks and big corporations in the world.”

And it just gets better from there. A network of information stealers... not for money, but for MORAL GOOD. Are they fascist? I don't care. I love 'em!

http://tinyurl.com/antisec for details.

-end-

Mykel Refuses to Act His Age (MRR 339)

You're Wrong
An Irregular Column
Column for MRR 339
August 2011

by Mykel Board

aka  Mykel refuses to act his age.

“To know how to grow old is the master work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living.” – Herman Melville

 

“Pffffammmda!” he says.

“Tell me later,” I reply, “after I come.”

I grab the back of his head, pressing the mohawk against the smooth sides of his skull. Thrusting forward, I push deeper into his mouth. He has one hand on each of my glutes. I reach behind me to adjust him.

“Stick a finger up my asshole,” I tell him. “Press in.. as far as you can go... like you're digging out a sesame seed... you may BE digging out a sesame seed... Yes! Yes! That's it!”

I wish I could describe the semenal dribble down his chin, but as I work through my last decade of life, I just manage to produce a Nik-L-Nip. Gone before either of us knows it.

My tippling punk releases me and I squeeze out another drop.

“Now,” I say, stuffing in and zipping up. “What were you trying to say?”

“Did you hear the new Social Distortion album?” he asks.

“No,” I tell him. “Should I?”

“It sucks,” he says. “They've gone... I donno... bad.” 

I like the guy. Smart, attractive, skin the color of a Sam Adams bottle. Oh yeah! But an 18-year old punk with a mohawk may not be the best judge of music. So I check the real experts-- the guys who write the reviews on Amazon.com.

From Amazon 1: I don't think that there was Social Distortion album that I didn't like until this one. It just doesn't sound like them. Yes, I agree that bands, like people evolve and change, but that doesn't always mean it's a good thing.

From Amazon 2: Wow, this record is amazing....amazing in its mediocrity. Is this Social D, or is this the new Goo Goo Dolls album? Is Mike Ness trying to be the next John Mellencamp? Was this record pushed out to fulfill a contractual obligation? Was it dumbed down to get a single played on lamestream radio? Did aliens come down and abduct the band and replace them with Social D. clones?

The songs are pedestrian, the band is uninspired, the guitar solos are weak, the lyrics are every cliché pulled from the last four albums, and the vox are overproduced and sanitized. Where's that punch in the mouth I expect from a Social D. song?

Looks like the band tried something new. That's how fans are, right? Keep remaking that first album. If you don't, you're slowing down... changing... getting old... And getting old is getting bad, right?

My Mohawked pal (I call him Punky Brewster) shakes his head.

“You're old, Mykel,” he says. “But I'm here giving you a blow job because I respect what you're doing. You've never made an Artless At The Jazz Lounge album. You've stayed punk for 40 years!

I smile.

FLASH AHEAD: It's gonna be a great show. My friends, Cojoba, are opening. Then comes Death First, a band I don't know. Then, MDC yes.. THAT MDC: Millions of Dead Cops, Millions of Damn Christians, Multi-Death Corporation, My Dog Charlie. THAT one. Then the (British) Sub-Humans. Wow!

When Punky and I get to the show, the place is already packed. The main stage isn't open yet, so we crowd into the bar downstairs. I buy a beer and slip it to Punky. He sucks on it greedily. That's my boy!

The show is masterful. Cojoba and Death First wow the crowd... set 'em pogoing! (I shit you not.) Both bands have girl singers. Cojoba is Hispanic enough to cause one of those hour-plus erections that the commercials warn you about.

Death First are plain killer in the best sense of the word. Though few people know their songs, the crowd loves 'em.

And speaking of the crowd, I'm amazed and delighted by it. Mixed ages (I'm not even the oldest!) and genders. After the first two bands, kids who barely saw last century sing along with the Sub-humans and MDC. Yeah! These kids know the words!

No, the bands don't jump around like they used to. They look older. They ARE older. They probably dribble semen instead of spray it into the back of the throat. But it still is quality semen.

FLASH AHEAD TO CALIFORNIA: I'm with Rebecca (name changed because she'd want it that way). I've known her since 1982... had a crush on her the whole time... didn't come to anything though. She's since gotten married, dropped a couple puppies, started a consulting business. We used to have very similar musical tastes. She, like me, is friends with Dave, the MDC singer.

“Hey, I saw MDC and the Sub-humans in New York,” I tell her. 

“Really?” she says, “They're doing one of those stupid reunion shows?”

I nod.

“But it wasn't stupid,” I say. “They were really punkrock. And there were these kids... same age as yours... they knew all the songs.”

She shakes her head. “Don't they feel stuck? Doing the same songs for 30 years? Don't they know what people think of them? Another bunch of old farts, getting together to live on their past. It's sad. It must be a kind of hell.”

FLASH FURTHER AHEAD: When I get back to New York, I hit the computer. Right to Google, god of everything that's true in the world. I enter, “boring old bands reuniting and touring” and in 0.34 seconds I get “About 3,280,000 results.” I don't look at any of them.

The May issue of MRR was filled with people lamenting “reunion bands.” In California, I saw leaflets urging a boycott of Steve Ignorant's tour doing Crass songs. Dead bands should stay dead is the call.

And in the June MRR issue, a columnist who usually plays contrarian, not only jumps full force on the reunion band bashing bandwagon, but crawls to the front to beat the dead horse dragging the thing. Old people should just die, he says.

Well. Sin Arte, (the Mexican version of ARTLESS, with me singing), is reuniting for one show in Agua Prieta in August. Along with us will be La Merma and Solución Mortal-- two of the most hardcore Mexican bands from the 80s. You wanna make somethin' of it?

Jeezus fuckin' Christ. If a band who loves playing tours when they're past 50, they're a sad bunch of old farts living in the past. When they try something new, they're pedestrian and uninspired. Why not just take a job selling insurance? Better yet, kill yourself... make it spectacular.

Listen kids, youth is NOT an asset. Just because your face sags a bit, your hair falls out, you dribble instead of shoot, you are no less inspired or creative. Your songs have no less value in 2011 than they did in 1981. Go ahead, complain because someone is old. I hope that's a condition you never face.

Listen adults, maturity is NOT an asset. Giving up a dream is not progress. Being realistic is defeat. Why should I settle for real life when I can live the fantasy? I've been doing it for a long time and while I don't have money or property... I LOVE my life. You? Get married or an MBA or something. See how much you love YOUR life. You can pick your maturity out of my asshole like a sesame seed... then eat it.

It may take me slightly longer to fill that martini glass with viscous white semen from my aged balls. But fill it I will. Then I'll drink a spermata toast to every creaky old guy or gal... waddling on stage... temporarily ditching the walker for a guitar... inhaling oxygen through a tube attached to a tank on wheels... whaling out those last few chords before coughing up blood... I'll be singing along. I already know the words.

ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (god@mykelboard.com) or website viewers (www.mykelboard.com) will get live links, extra endnotes and a chance to post comments on the column]

-->Conflict of interest dept: Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas will vote on the constitutionality of the health care reform law. He has already profited from opposition to that law. His wife has taken nearly $700,000 from health care opponents and now openly advertises herself as a crack lobbyist with the "experience and connections" to overturn the law of the land.

      Seventy-five congressional representatives signed a letter to Justice Thomas calling on him to recuse himself from deliberations related to health care. I'm sure he'll take himself right out of the case. Yeah, right. And the world will end on May 21.

 

-->And why does Al Qaeda hate us? They're jealous of our freedom! dept: One out of every 100 Americans is in jail. One out of 39 are in jail, paroled or somehow in the criminal injustice system. More Negroes are in jail than were slaves before the Civil War.

     What do you mean FREEDOM, whiteboy?

-->And why do the conservatives hate Obama? dept: The ACLU reports that Abdullah al-Kidd was arrested and never charged with a crime He was never asked to testify. But he spent 16 days in harsh detention, sometimes held naked and shackled hand-and-foot. The ACLU fought the case in the lower courts, and the court agreed with them. The Obama Administration is fighting that decision.

-->Speaking of Obama dept: AARP reports that Obama has named one “entertainer” to join his Council for Community Solutions. That's a group that's supposed to help reduce youth unemployment and help poor people in general. Of course, our pal Barak chose someone from the lower ranks of society, who really understands the problems of the poor. Russel Simmons... yeah right. Would you believe Jon Bon Jovi?

-->Just discovered dept: BARRACK in Australian English means "to cheer for a team or player." They don't use root in that context, because root means "to fuck" in Australian English. Interesting, because a similar word BARACK in American English, means BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.

-->Catch THE OTHER GUY dept: Car & Travel Magazine reports that 52% of Americans feel "less safe" on the road than they did a year ago. It also reveals:

    66% of poll-answerers report talking on their cellphone while driving
   24% say they were texting or e-mailing while driving
   25% say they drove when they were so tired they had a hard time keeping their eyes open.
   Despite this, 66% support having more police on the road to catch traffic violators.
   Huh?

 

-->Modify THAT baby! dept: In spite of strong opposition from the organic community, the USDA approved the unrestricted cultivation of genetically engineered alfalfa. The approval included no requirements to prevent contamination of organic and non-GE crops. Genetically engineered alfalfa does not have to be labeled so that consumers can identify it.

-->But not this one dept: Among the dozens of bills awaiting Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's action are several that didn't pass until the final hours of the legislative session. Most of these provoked controversy or needed last-minute fixes to get through. They include Senate Bill 1307, which bans human-animal hybrids. It won narrow approval in both chambers of the legislature. Opponents ridiculed its attempt to legislate actions that they say have no foundation in reality, with Democrats cracking jokes about minotaurs and mermaids.

-->Let's go back to the past dept: In 1949, the United Nations launched a universal campaign for the decriminalization of prostitution. It failed. Now, I'm afraid, the foot is in the other mouth.

-->Further back in the past dept: According to recent historical evidence, Empress Wu Hou of the Chinese Tang dynasty (683-705) insisted that all visiting dignitaries perform oral sex on her as a way of paying homage.
   Without knowing it, I've been copying the Empress for the last 50 years. Must be royalty in the blood

-->The Tea Party says China will beat us dept: No, it's not because of the oral sex. Instead, the tea party is running TV ads on how the Chinese are going to take over because of high US corporate taxes. They forgot, however, to connect their propaganda to the facts. Jim Hightower reports that in the 1950s, 30 percent of the US tax revenues came from corporations. In the 2010s that number is 6.6 percent. General Electric notoriously paid NO TAXES last year. Now, what's China going to do about that when they take over?

-end-

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