Monday, June 29, 2015

Inner Beauty or Mykel's Post MRR Column 22

Post MRR Column 22 aka
Inner Beauty
by Mykel Board

Problem, problem
Problem, the problem is you
What you gonna do?
--Sex Pistols

It was more out of place than Hillary Clinton at an anti-war rally. On facebook... Zine Chatter... an answer to a random comment about the value of old issues of Maximum Rock'n'Roll... some random feminist:

I've never met you Mykel, I don't think I'd want to. But I need to ask you when are you going to get over it. Let MRR go. Get on with your life. Instead of harping on the past... always looking for answers OUT THERE...on the outside. Examine yourself. You'll find the problem there. Stop looking out. Start looking in. You'll find the problem inside.

In haiku, they call the discovery of a MOMENT... a unique insight into something... something usually banal or taken for granted... an a-hah! moment. Finding these moments are one my life's many joys. This facebook moment, though, is not an a-hah! moment. It is a huh? moment... I just don't get it.

Then, I do.

This is how America works. If you get sick, it's YOUR fault. It's not the poison spray on your vegetables, the antibiotics in your meat, the sulfur dioxide in the air... it's YOU. You smoke. You don't watch your diet. You don't take vitamins. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE. If you're poor, it's YOUR fault. Not your race, or the lack of meaningful (or any) work, or your parents' income. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE. Don't look to the government for answers... look inside yourself.

Flash ahead to my worst hangover of the month... a brainbuster... a stomach pumper... a body wrencher. Sunday morning... thrown out of bed by the need to pray to the porcelain goddess... I turn... fall the two or three feet from the couch where I passed out last night.

I'd returned from The Patriot... best bar in New York. She was back.. that bartender who sets her nipples on fire and lets the birthday boy blow them out. I only wish it was my birthday. Whose birthday was it? I forget.

No time to worry about that now. Naked, fresh from bed... I'm kneeling next to Big Mariam... the porcelain goddess. I just manage to reach her. I trace yesterday's beer... and Buffalo wings... and dollar hotdogs... and sliders... follow them on their passage from my stomach... heaving in a painful bulk... upwards... around the bend... burning... burning... into my throat... exploding from my mouth into the toilet... the force pushing... prodding upwards... into my nose... filling my sinuses with an acrid poison.... running out my nose... dripping downwards... self-processed food... mixing with yesterday's liquid remains... dripping into the toilet as my stomach empties its contents.

A post-orgasmic collapse... facedown in the toilet. I don't want to die Elvis style... I won't get a postage stamp with my picture on it. I've got to lift my head out of the mire. It's getting hard to breathe. Small chunks of things hit my cheek... puke-filled water squirms up my nose... I slump... fall back on the bathroom floor.

I lay prone, barely aware of the hard tile and vomit splotches. Then it hits me... I have just emptied my insides. The contents of ME! Right there, available for my examination.

Using the toilet rim, I pull myself up to a half-sitting position. I look inside: the beer-colored former contents of my stomach. Great chunks of red, green and brown float at their respective weight levels. Blotches of mucus... translucent and viscous... rise to the top.

I reach into the slough.

Plunging my hand downwards, I scoop up the most solid of the goop. Some chunks of red... a few identifiable peas and carrot pieces... something white and very thin... shaped like a babushka. I bring my hand toward my face... my nose, now clear enough to smell... the unmistakable smell of puke but with overtones of beer and jalapeƱo.

I stick out my tongue and touch it to the mess in my palm. It stings-- not like eating a Mexican pepper stings, but like the up-chucked bile of too much pepperoni stings. I suck some of the glop into my mouth... re-chew... re-swallow... the ultimate human recycling. I eat more of it... Smear it over my face... my body... rub it between my legs... the liquid is cool and sticky against my skin.

I scoop more from the toilet. Suck it in... something gets caught... goes down the wrong pipe... I cough up... spew more... this time over my naked chest... Another scoop... this one with more green than the last. Look! A kernel of corn... whole... undigested. I suck it in, chewing well, making sure next time out it'll look different.

Then, it hits like a punch, knocking the wind out of me. This is pain... not the nausea of vomit... but the pain of a rumbling large intestine... begging for release... a piercing exploding pain... a pain like giving birth... a screaming bulge that forces me to stand... slide in the floor vomit... skin a knee in the slop... stand again... just poised... frustrated sphincter bulging. My insides tear to fight the release. Relax, don't fight it... push... a drip.. a drop... two. Push more... a stream squirts downward splashing itself and the vomit below... up onto my hovering twin cheeks.

More... great gushes... clods, wads, globs... assonance up the ass... or out of the ass... Here it comes... it's ripping me open.. a huge hard one... like it's coming out sideways... bigger than my thigh. Down it comes, like a soldier whose parachute didn't open... like a building cornice in an earthquake... like an angel, fallen from God's kingdom to hell.

I look between my legs at the mess in the toilet. My ripped rectum bleeds softly into the morass... the red mixing with the shit brown and multicolored heave-itude... swirling in a psychedelic blend... It's postpartum ecstasy. I do nothing but sit... breathe... eyes closed... the ebullience of evacuation outweighing the pain of my torn sphincter.

For a second... a minute... an infinity... I sit in bliss. Then I realize what I have to do. I reach between my legs... into the liquescent rainbow swirling below. I strain the liquid through my hands picking up one solid log... about the length of a slice of pizza... the width of a hearty twig. I roll it between my hands, like making a snake out of clay. Faster and faster... it breaks off, the top end... spinning... leaping over my leg on to the bathroom floor. I try again. Picking up a similar piece... a bit shorter and thicker... sturdier than the other... made of stronger stuff... I think about how this fine turd was once a Buffalo wing or maybe a piece of calamari.

Holding it in one hand, I bring it close to my nose. The obvious line would be it smells like shit... It doesn't. It smells like puke. The contents of my stomach... at least nasally... overcome the contents of my large intestines.

“This came from me,” I think. “My body made this, changing through some mysterious process... things I put in... coming out on their own. How did my body choose... separate nutrients... change colors? What happened and why did this particular turd decide to leave me at this particular moment?

I push forward on the toilet seat... lean my chest against my thighs... turd in hand, I reach back and push... relax... push again... reinserting that product... product of my body... back into its recent home.

It feels good... this fecal dildo... pressing the prostate from the inside.

Reaching back into the multi-colored stew, I look for tiny bits... grape-sized. One-by-one, I grab them... lean over... force them back inside... where they came from. I reach down and grab another one. This one breaks... shatters into tiny nubs... like Oriental nipples... before it can re-pass the sphincter threshold.

I put the pieces into my mouth. They taste... neutral... like white bread... like mashed potatoes... like rice... like nothing at all. Swallowing, I wonder how my body will treat its already-sorted waste... now a new entry. Will it be confused? Will it change it back to a Buffalo wing or a piece of calamari?

I lean back again and reach for a bigger coprolith... this one the size and shape of a large carrot. Perfect. Leaning forward once more, I force it back into its ancestral home... past the prostate... tickling, eroticizing... I feel my little friend rise between my legs.

Using more of the water as a lubricant... I rub myself hard... harder... One hand manipulating the excremental plug, the other manipulating me... yes... yes... yes! I spurt hard and white, adding yet another color to the psychedelic solution.

Yes, I've seen it... the real me. And it made me come!

Ok, I've done it. Looked inside... examined myself... penetrated my inner core... tasted, smelled, reused. I've analyzed and anal-ized. Macro-ed and micro-ed. Seen it all and... without a trace... have not found the cause of my discontent. I have not found the reason the stand-on-your-own-two-feet-personal-responsibility conservatives say I'm poor. Or the reason MRR lied to me. I've looked inside myself... gotten as close as I can to the inner me and the problem is not there.

Get it MRR and libertarian conservatives? Get it anti-welfare-ites and get-a-job-ers? Sometimes the problem is NOT inside. Sometimes the problem is outside. Sometimes we've got nothing to do with our problems. We can't control the circumstances. Sometimes it's just luck. Sometimes we're lied to, abused, taken advantage of and it IS NOT OUR FAULT. It's NOT from us! It's NOT INSIDE. Problem? Problem? The problem is you!

ENDNOTES: [You can contact me by email at Through the post office: send those... er... private DVDs..or music or zines... or anything else (legal only!) to: Mykel Board, POB 137, New York, NY 10012-0003. If you like my writing, you can be notified when anything new is available by subscribing to the MYKEL'S READERS Yahoo group]

-->Trans-racial dept: You know about the Spokane Washington organizer for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People who was outed by her parents as White. She claims to be “trans-racial.”
Amazingly, she was supported by a ton of liberals who said that trans-race was fine. Anybody can be any race they choose... just by saying so.
I don't think so.

-->Trans-racial part 2 dept: Then there is Dylann Roof who kills nine people in a church in South Carolina. The reason? They're black. Dylann doesn't like blacks very much.

Hah, the joke's on him. He didn't know that the people he shot were actually WHITE. Trans-racial... you could ask any of them. (Now, you can't.) They'd tell you right out they were white. Whoops, I guess Dylann didn't know. You gotta ask questions first, THEN shoot. Otherwise, you may be shooting the wrong race. Right, Dylann?

-->Whoops part 2 DEPT: The US Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee no longer classifies cholesterol as a "nutrient of concern." The decision, which reverses four decades of advice, reflects recent research suggesting that eating foods high in cholesterol does not significantly raise cholesterol levels in the blood. All those people avoiding the vitamins and sight-saving lutein of egg yolks... sorry about that.

-->TEXAS Drinkin' DEPT: Quintin Walker was suspended from high school and barred from graduation. Why? School officials saw a can of Bud Lite in a cooler in his truck. His mother had packed the cooler for a family picnic, and Quinton was just bringing back the leftovers.
Bud Lite? It's not like he had beer or something.

-->TEXAS Drinkin' Part 2 Dept: Meanwhile, also in Texas, a new University of Texas study found that drinking two cups of coffee a day lowers the risk of erectile dysfunction by 42 percent. There's no word on what a can of Bud Lite does for that.

-->TROLLS DEPT: Richard Valdes, a former employee of right-wing activist James O'Keefe, reports that he (O'Keefe) instructed undercover operatives to participate in BLACK LIVES MATTER protests and shout things like "I wish I could just kill some of these cops." Then fellow right-wingers use the quotes to show that #Blacklivesmatter is really a bunch of advocates for cop-killing.

->Keeping the Pressure on Dept: I want to thank reader George Metesky for suggesting a continuing Bring Back Mykel effort directed at Maximum Rock'n'Roll for their firing me as their contribution to the world of censorship. Send your comments to (or post on their facebook page) with the subject line: BRING BACK MYKEL! Let me know how they answer.

-->And: I'm still on a massive clean-up/divest kick. I'm giving away DVDs, cassettes, VHS videos, CDs, posters, and a few 7-inch singles. Just pay separate shipping and handling. Details at: MykelsGiveaway