An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
MYKEL'S COLUMN FOR MRR
NUMBER 299 APRIL 2008
Jeezus Fuckin' Christ. My head feels like it's in one of those machines that squeeze trucks into two-foot metal cubes. My tongue is sandpaper. Last night's fried calamari squirmed through my intestines. It reassembled itself. Now it swims with a vengeance toward the anal porthole. I can't stand up. Maybe if I roll gently out of bed, I can crawl to the bathroom. Ah, that's better. Now all I need is sleep. Then, the baby cries. Please! Let me sleep! I just need some sleep!
BACK TO SOBRIETY:
This column will be published in MRR's April issue, but I'm writing it in January. It's a warm January. Too warm to keep that phalanx of mothers and nannies pushing, dragging, carrying, their little charges around New York on a never-ending quest to annoy just about everyone.
The brats have taken over. Strollers drag-race down Bleecker Street demanding priority passage in the name of procreation. Chocolate-covered toddlers leave handprints on anything I might be inclined to pick up. Isn't there anyone who wants to DO something about the mess? Well, yes. In fact, there is.
Dr. Tyaniche Nogy is as weird as his name. He's a little guy, about 70, with wild gray hair and a pointed white goatee. His glasses, dorky looking suit, and general demeanor make him look like Bill Gates in Trotsky drag.
Despite our ideological agreement, I don't really like the guy. He's personally insulting. He laughs at other people's expense. He coughs like he'll keel over any minute. His only good point is, he's right. And he has a brilliant idea.
For the rest of this column, I'll let him use his own words to describe what he's doing. Here's my interview with him. My questions are in boldface.
Well, Ty, I want to thank you for agreeing to this interview. I'm fascinated by your idea. Could you explain it for our readers?
First, I am NOT Ty. My name is Tyaniche. It's Russian. It means one destined for greatness. Second, I forgot. What do you want me to do?
I'd like you to explain your organization and your larger plan.
Oh yes. “A Year Without Kids” is an umbrella group for those who support our plan to mark 2011 as the year when no one will have children. The plan is...
Before we get to the plan, could you explain the reasoning behind it?
[Coughs fiercely.] Too bad your toupee didn't come with brains in it.
It's not a toupee. It's a transplant.
Listen you little schmuck, I don't care if it's grass seed. If you didn't understand the reasoning, you wouldn't be here. What're you asking me this stuff for?
I know what you think. I just want to make it clear for the readers. Why do you propose a year without kids... or at least a year without births?
[He sighs, and smoothes an errant gray hair poking out of his right eyebrow] OK, let's go through the eight basic reasons.
Number 1: Populations on the earth are increasing much faster than the resources to feed and house them. This creates poverty and war. Without children, there are more resources to go around.
Number 2: Most of the soldiers in the world are youngsters, sometimes children. Without children-- and the young adults they become-- wars will disappear because there will be no one to fight them.
Number 3: Throughout the world, governments use children as excuses for every kind of repression, for every law that creates crimes with no victims. In America, you have to show your ID to get into a bar. Why? So children don't drink. TV shows are censored. Even a single breast is banned. Why? Because children might see it. Without children, the world would be a freer place. It would...
What about the evils of kids in airplanes... and restaurants?
Would you let me finish? What is it with you? Who's the one being interviewed here? I couldn't get a word in if I folded it in half! As I was saying...
Number 4: Children are annoying. They scream in airplanes and restaurants. They make messes that other people have to clean up. They claim special privileges like first seating or an extra high chair. They use resources and perpetuate age-ism.
Number 5: Children spread diseases. They drool all over the place. Maladies like mumps or measles are short-lived and harmless in children, but if spread to a real person, they can be fatal.
Number 6: Children are a social burden. Millions of dollars are spent on them. They use healthcare systems disproportionately. They eat many times their own weight. Just being SUVed back and forth to the pediatrician uses more gas than a Mac Truck circling the globe. Worse than that, our so-called education system educates no one. It exists to turn kids into adults-- which are exactly what they would become if we left them alone! How much money is wasted on elementary schools, jungle gyms, sandboxes? They should fill 'em with quicksand. [He laughs. That quickly turns into a cough.]
Number 7: Children are a barrier to human contact and compassion. Everybody knows the girl who has a cocker spaniel or adopted alley cat. “My baby,” she calls it. “My sweetie.” Oh yeah. But just wait until she drops her own puppies. POW! The poor pet is kicked out of the way to make crawlspace for the little gurgling mass of pink (or yellow or brown) flesh.
Same for friends. “Best friend for ever and ever.” Yeah right. As soon as the whelp sticks its bald head into the world. Shazam! Friends? What friends?
Number 8: Children destroy the future. As long as there are children, there can be no real progress. Parents work, create, make money, live their lives for their kids rather than for themselves or the future of humanity. When the kids grow up, they live for their kids. It's a big circle. Nothing moves forward. You always go back to square one. To the kid. And the kid's kid.
So why not stop ALL childbirths instead of limiting yourself to one year?
You live in Moronsville or what? Can build a house just by nailing together a bunch of two by fours? No! You have to lay a foundation first. That's what we're doing here.
The Year Without Children is a demo. A show version. Once people see how much things improve... how easy their lives become... they will demand more. We can't do everything at once. We have to have realistic immediate goals, then greater long-term ideals.
A year without children is a realistic goal. A world without children is only a dream. But it is a dream that can become a reality if we lay the proper foundation.
Do you really think it's possible to get countries to agree to stop new births within their borders... even for a year?
Why not? For years, China had a successful one-child program. It's not so far to go from a one-child program to a no-child program. Even George W had something called No Child Left Behind. How far is it from that to simply No Child?
Is this idea gonna cut down on sex?
You're worried? You go to urologist for psychoanalysis?
Your brains are in your dick! Anyway, the answer is no. People will have MORE sex. They'll know they won't have to worry about being saddled with little rug rats as a consequence of their pleasure.
So you'd encourage homosexuality?
Homosexuality is not enough. We encourage anal sex. Oral sex. Anything that doesn't breed.
You may not be aware of it, but heterosexuals also engage in anal sex. (Wiseguy!) We don't want to discourage any kind of sex. In fact, the ability to have sex without the fear of having children will be liberating. Just like the pill in the 60s. People will be screwing without fear.
What about disease?
Children ARE a disease. But you're right. There are other diseases. However, the money freed up by not having to care for little brats can go into finding cures for those. Without constantly being bombarded with childhood asthma or juvenile diabetes or BIRTH DEFECTS... The way to eliminate birth defects is to eliminate births!
So you'd encourage abortion.
Encourage it? We'd mandate it! You pop a puppy and blam! Into the vegomatic. There are a lot of hungry people in the world, we could...
You'd feed them fetuses?
Did you go to retard school or what? We can't feed people fetuses, that'd be cannibalism. But, we can mulch fetuses and use them as fertilizer. It's the basic way of nature. Animals die. They rot. Turn into topsoil. Plants grow from the topsoil. Animals eat the plants and the whole thing starts again. We just speed up the process. As fetuses are 100% organic, they would prove a boon to organic farming and the health-conscious people who consume those products.
OK, Any final words? How can people attracted to your idea contact you? How can we help?
First, smarten up. Stop being such a shmuck. Next, write your congressman, mayor, the president, the U.N. Tell 'em you support A Year Without Kids. Tell 'em why. We're just starting with the website, so there's not much there right now. I do everything myself. If you've got website skills-- or skills in anything but spurting offspring, I could use your help. Email me at: TNogy@yearwithoutkids.org
Yes! Stop making babies. Stop supporting people who make babies. Stop coochie-cooing, awing, and chin-chucking babies. Spit when you pass a stroller. Click your tongue. Sit in a bus seat before a poppin' momma can get to it. Let doors close in the face of expectant mothers. Throw back It's a Boy cigars saying “Give it to the kid. Maybe it'll get cancer.” Do anything in your power to discourage the scourge of childbirth.
--End of Interview--
Well, buckaroos. That's it for this month. I want to thank Dr. Nogy (even if he is kind of a jerk), and A Year Without Kids. It's a brilliant idea whose time has come.
ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (email@example.com) or website viewers (www.mykelboard.com) will get live links and a chance to email comment on the column]
FIRST, THREE ENDNOTES ABOUT KIDS:
-->Sports Abortion Dept: In Florida, a 15-year old boy threw a football against a pregnant woman. She miscarried and the baby died. Florida law says "anyone who causes an unborn baby's death as a result of an attack on the baby's mother commits a homicide." In Florida, abortion is legal. So if someone attacks mom, and the baby unintentionally dies, it's homicide. If mom decides that the baby should INTENTINALLY die, that's fine.
To which I say, “huh?”
-->The Right Gift for Tots dept: Annoyed by the kid? Kyle sent me info about an organization called THE ECOLOGY CENTER. They tested 1200 children's toys for toxic chemicals. Here's the scoop.
If you want to give something with lead choose:
Dinner Party Tea Set, Elmo's Take-Along Card Games, Fairies backpack (yeah!) or my favorite Brush Your Teeth Robot, with the most lead of any item.
You can find lead AND arsenic in: Bug's Backpack! That should do the trick.
In any case, our TRUE PROTECTORS OF THE EARTH BY KILLING CHILDREN AWARD goes to the Tyrrell Katz company, maker of 1/3 of the top 15 poisonous toys.
-->Starting Young dept: Police in New Jersey said it was a typical holiday Grinch tale: A home was broken into on Christmas Eve. Wrapped presents were stolen off a kitchen table.
Little did they know the culprits were kids.
Authorities in South Brunswick say a nine-year-old girl and a five-year-old boy used a gift card to pick the lock on the back door of a home a block away. They made off with about $200 in wrapped presents.
-->It's Only Natural dept: In Greeley Co, police arrested a Catholic priest. They charged him with indecent exposure. The cops accused him of "jogging naked in the pre-dawn darkness." The church excused the priest saying the incident "did not involve physical or sexual contact with another individual."
-->Monk Rock dept: Kyle also sent me this: It seems as if Buddhism is hitting the skids in Japan. So, in an effort to attract younger people, Japanese monks and nuns from eight major Buddhist sects, paraded high-fashion robes and chanted Buddhist prayer to a hip-hop beat. What would Jack Kerouac think?
-->You Call That a Reward? dept: In Rancho Cordova California, cops decided to try pulling GOOD DRIVERS over and rewarding them with $5 Starbucks gift cards. Besides considering if a gift card from Starbucks is a reward, you've got to wonder how many drugs are gonna get tossed when those flashing lights appear in the mirror.
-->Who was Right? dept: Art Conrad nailed a 15-foot crucifix in front of his Washington house. To the crucifix, he nailed a Santa. It was his protest against the commercialization of Xmas. Neighbors complained.
Funny thing is: when Japan learned about Xmas right after World War II. One of the department stores had the same display: a crucified Santa. They thought it represented the real spirit of Xmas. People said the Japanese didn't get it. I think the Japanese were righter than they knew.
-->Is That a Pigbrain in Your Pocket or... dept: In Austin Minnesota, 11 workers at the "head table" began suffering from "numbness and immune disorders." These workers use compressed air to remove pigbrains from skulls.
Microbiologists think that the brains could be blasted into the air. The workers then inhaled whatever disease the pigs have. No word on humans who eat those brains... or even where they go once blasted. Spam anyone?
-->This from Jeff: Ms. Magazine has long been a screeching voice of anti-pornography and female supremacy. Apparently, that is not the case if the females are Israeli.
Jeff sent me a report that the magazine turned down an American Jewish Congress advertisement that did nothing more controversial than show that women occupy three powerful positions in Israel. The proposed ad included text that said only, “This is Israel,” under photographs of President of the Supreme Court, Dorit Beinish, Vice Prime Minister and Minister for Foreign Affairs, Tzipi Livni and Knesset Speaker, Dalia Itzik.
“What other conclusion can we reach,” asked Richard Gordon, President of AJC, “except that the publishers are so hostile to Israel that they do not even want to see an ad that says something positive about Israel?”
When the Director of AJC's Commission for Women’s Empowerment tried to place the ad, Ms Mag said that publishing the ad “will set off a firestorm.”
A Ms. Magazine representative, Susie Gilligan, told the AJC rep that the magazine “would love to have an ad from you on women’s empowerment, or reproductive freedom, but not on this.” Ms. Gilligan did not say what “this” is.
--> Here's a Tough One for Us Free-speechers dept: That disgusting Christian group God Hates Fags, picketed the funeral of a U.S. Marine. The marine was not a homo, but the group now says that soldiers killed in combat are God's punishment for the US allowing homos to exist freely.
The father of one of the Marines sued the group and won 11 million dollars. Dad says it's not the money (yeah, right), but just the desire to close the church down. David Hudson, a lawyer for the "First Amendment Center" says: "You have a very unpopular group engaging in very unpopular speech. When you have that combination, that can lead to bad law."
I say "You tell 'em Dave!"
I also say that GOD HATES FAGS oughta join NAMBLA and take the case all the way to the Supreme Court. I'll donate to both groups!
--> Power to What People? Dept: So there's this liberal radio program called DEMOCRACY NOW (www.democracynow.org) that's supposed to be the voice of populist liberals. They speak for the poor who can't speak for themselves, they say.
Speaking of the poor, they sent me an invitation to their “star-studded performance.” It features, among others: Phil Donahue, Bill Moyers, Susan Sarandon and Marlo Thomas. Ticket cost? $1000. Of course, if you want the dinner along with the performance it's a little more: $2500.
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