An Irregular Column
by Mykel Board
Column 359 April 2013
"What does a guy want with his arms and legs? He doesn't need arms and legs to write with. He needs security... peace... protection. If you could be sure of that I'd say let's have a war tomorrow. I wouldn't give a fuck about the medals-- they could keep the medals. All I'd want is a good wheelchair and three meals a day. Then I'd give them something to read, those pricks.” --Henry Miller
It's a small turd. Just a brown chili, floating halfway down in the toilet. If I pasted it atop my clenched fist, the guy across the hall might think I was flipping him the bird. So small... so neat... yet what a mess!
Takes a whole roll of paper. The smear half way up my back... covers both cheeks... thick... like dark brown tofu... I need to wipe down the toilet seat...the backs of my legs... Sheet after sheet... leaking off the paper... my fingers covered... dripping... then the phone rings.
Fuck. If I pull my pants up, it'll make a worse mess. The this month's laundry'll smell like shit. So I waddle from the bathroom to the bedroom/livingroom/den... pants around my ankles, naked below the waist... covered in smeared feces.
I pick up the phone.
“Yeah?” I say.
“Mykel?” comes the voice.
“Of course, it's fuckin' Mykel.” I don't say. “You called me!”
“Who's this?” I do say.
“Hi,” comes the female voice on the other end. “I was hoping to get you at home. I'm just calling to tell you we finally decided on the new editor of MRR.”
“Great,” I don't say, “like I need to know the name of my next task-master. What do I care?”
“Who?” I do ask.
“I'm talkin' to him right now,” says the voice.
Yeah, I know this is probably old news to you. Such a long long search and it turns into a great circle and bites you (me) on the (shit-stained) ass. But it takes me by surprise. I sit down.... yeah, I know. That chair is out on the street right now... attracting flies. But the rest, is future.
This is the April issue of MRR. Starting next month, May, I'm in charge. Do I expect to make any changes? Will you notice a difference? You bet your shit-covered ass you will.
What changes? What's the problem with MRR the way it is?
Ask anyone... just go out on the street... stop that housewife on the way to Walmart... that homeless guy picking through the trash... that bike courier on the way from C-squat to the Apple Store... just stop 'em and ask, “What's wrong with MRR?” You'll get the same answer. Always... it's been that way for 30 years:
THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH PICTURES OF NAKED PEOPLE.
You know without asking... you don't need me to tell you. It's as plain as the twat on your face.
Well, I'm gonna change that. Under my regime, every issue will have dozens of 'em. Any (legal) age... any gender or race you can name. Dwarfs, amputees, nursing home residents. All of 'em. Naked people up the wazoo.... every month. Bands... cartoonists... MIT intellectuals... everybody.
A stimulating publication? Yeah, you'll find that famous rub-off ink on more than your hands. You ain't seen nothing yet.
Start from the front. The cover. Right now: if it's not a crappy line drawing, it's some band of white people from some hillbilly town in some state you wouldn't touch with a six foot hog call. Under my reign? NO WHITE PEOPLE ON THE COVER OF MRR!! MAYBE we'll have an exception if the band agrees to appear naked, but it would require a substantial endowment.
And the columns? What about the columns?
The columnists would not change. I like everyone who writes, though I'd include bigger pictures as column headers... and, of course, every columnist will appear naked in those headers.
Columnists will have absolute freedom to say whatever they want. Although, if I disagree with anything, they will be required to spend time in the notorious MRR Special Room. After all, if you say something you have to take responsibility for it. We have ways of MAKING YOU take responsibility. Get it?
AND, I will replace the current random order of columnists with a strict order... the same every month... in exact order of the AGE of the columnists... oldest first, of course.
What about English? Fuckin' English. I've said before that people spoke Spanish in America way before they spoke English. You think Nina, Pinta, y Santa Maria are English names? What the fuck? First thing: the NAME of the magazine changes to MAXIMUM VERGA Y CULO. Maybe we'll have a small English section-- at the end of the zine-- the last page or two to tell you what you're missing. For the rest: HABLAS ESPAÑOL O MUERTE!
And reviews? Those fuckin' reviews? MRR reviewers are a bunch of prissy whitefolks (or at least native-English speakers) who think eating a California roll with a dab of soy sauce is oh so exotic and foreign. That's gonna change.
NEW RULES FOR REVIEWS:
All reviewers have to ACTUALLY LISTEN TO OR READ what they review. Don't say, “Well, it's not my taste.” If you don't like the style, don't fuckin' review it! If you don't understand the language then give it to someone who does! Why does every issue of the German zine TRUST have an MRR review-- in English-- and every MRR has a review of TRUST that says, “I wish I could read German.” I know seeing your name in print is an ego boost, but speak what you're gonna review or don't review it. SPRICH DEUTSCH ODER VERRECKE!
Scene reports? What's up with those? If I see one more band name written with the Roman alphabet, I'm gonna shit. There are hundreds of languages in the world. Arabic, Hebrew, Chinese, Thai, Urdu, Bulgarian... the list goes on. Why do we see... month after month... scene reports from places that use A,B,C,D instead of ALEPH, BET, GIMMEL, DALID? No more of that under my reign! New Rule: No more scene reports from places that use the Roman alphabet. A,B,C, is for wimps. Hey, buckaroos! Wake up! This is PUNK ROCK! Learn to read.
It won't be just changes. No sireebob. There'll be a ton of new stuff. More things people actually want:
BODY FLUID OF THE MONTH, TIMMY Y SPEAKS FROM THE GRAVE (transcripts of monthly séances held at the MRR house on night of the full moon.), THE SELL-OUT REPORT (listing what bands it's cool to like and which are on the boycott list), and a new scanned letter section. All letters written entirely IN BLOOD! Anyone answering those letters, must also write in blood.
That's a taste of things to come... a teaser...the start of the change from a punkrock zine to a PUNK ROCK ZINE. Like my turd in the toilet, MRR is not all that big in the world... but it's gonna make a HUGE mess!
ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (email@example.com) or blog viewers (mykelsblog.blogspot.com/) will get live links and a chance to post comments on the column. Your zines, Cds/records, and... er... private videos... can and should be sent to me at: Mykel Board, POB 137, Prince Street Station, New York NY 10012]
-->Irony on irony dept: In the Martin Luther King days, The Southern Poverty Law Center was a good group. Then it ventured into "Anti-Defamation" territory. Like the Jewish Anti-Defamation League who calls every critic of Israel "anti-semitic" (and even accuses Arabs, who are Semites, of being "anti-Semitic") the SPLC jumps on any group it disagrees with and labels them "racist" or "terrorist."
Reuter's now reports SPLC is coordinating an "anti-bullying program." (That's ironic since they themselves use bully name-calling tactics.) As part of their anti-bully program, they've organized 3000 schools to have a "Mix It Up at Lunch Day." Students in those schools are encouraged "to sit by someone in the cafeteria they would not normally sit next to.”
The right-wing American Family Association, is boycotting the event because they say it's "a nationwide push to promote the homosexual lifestyle in public schools." Doubly funny because the intolerant name-callers are getting name-called for promoting tolerance.
-->Sissy Bradford, a criminology professor at Texas A&M University lost her job after complaining about a taxpayer-funded tower with four Christian crosses. The tower also featured the official university seal. Thanks to her protest and a letter from the legal department of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, the crosses were removed. Then followed several threats from cross defenders. These that got so bad that Ms Bradford asked the campus cops for protection. Her request was ignored. Now she's without a job and no campus for the campus cops to protect her on.
-->Bad news for Christians and Feminists dept: A new study has found that porn stars have "higher self-esteem, self confidence and a more flattering image of their bodies" than others. Of course! If you've got hundreds of folks jerking off to your image, it's only logical that you're gonna think a lot of yourself. You can get the full article at: http://tinyurl.com/selfestemeArt
-->Secret major label dept: If you're suddenly seeing advertising for a "micro-brewery" called SHOCK TOP, you guessed right. It's Anheiser-Busch, the Budweiser giant, now owned by a Belgian company. The beer sucks anyway, too sweet and I donno... wrong. But don't be tricked, like Blue Moon, it's a FAKE micro-brew.
-->12 years for NOTHING dept: Of course I'm talking about prison. There are millions of such stories. People who hurt no one languishing in jail under FEDERAL SENTENCING LAWS. I've written a lot about this. But a spot of maraschino cherry in the diarrhea of our legal system is GORILLACONVICT publishing. It's a company that gets the word out FROM the men behind the bars. They publish books (remember them?) by the 2%... the 2% of Americans, that is, who are behind bars. Their website is gorillaconvict.com.
-->Is that a screw in your kneebone or are you happy to see me dept: First Class Magazine reports that Australian airports have introduced full body scanners for all international air passengers. The scanners use wifi length radio waves to scan, rather than the X-ray machines that are used in the US.
Both Europe and Australia have banned the US machines as too much of a cancer risk. The US government doesn't care. It's SECURITY, ya know?
-->Help, 'em but don't let 'em help themselves dept: In Ashland Oregon, public officials have removed three boxes for public donations to help the homeless. The reason is that the boxes were pilfered and the money stolen. After an investigation, a man was arrested, fined and jailed for the theft. You guessed it. He was homeless. Now, please tell me how a homeless person can steal money meant for the homeless. I guess the answer's easy. That's DIRECT giving. If you do that, how does an ADMINISTRATOR get paid? It would destroy the whole American concept of charity.
-->Mix government and religion at your own peril dept: Germany's top court has ruled that Catholics who do not pay religious taxes must automatically leave the church. The judges ruled against Hartmut Zapp (great name!) who wanted to leave the church as an institution, but remain a member of the Catholic community. Germany's bishops announced that believers who refuse to pay the religion tax won't be able to receive the sacraments, become godparents or a have a religious funeral. In Germany, the government subsidizes religions through taxes on members of the religion. In the US, the government subsidizes religion through taxes on EVERYBODY. They call it "faith-based."
-->Good suggestion bad reason dept: Israeli Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky ordered his followers to "burn their iPhones" in order to maintain Jewish insularity and keep the outside world away. I'm not sure iPhones burn very well, but they probably flush nicely down the toilet.