An Irregular Column
Column for MRR 339
by Mykel Board
An Irregular Column
Column for MRR 339
by Mykel Board
aka Mykel refuses to act his age.
“To know how to grow old is the master work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living.” – Herman Melville
“Pffffammmda!” he says.
“Tell me later,” I reply, “after I come.”
I grab the back of his head, pressing the mohawk against the smooth sides of his skull. Thrusting forward, I push deeper into his mouth. He has one hand on each of my glutes. I reach behind me to adjust him.
“Stick a finger up my asshole,” I tell him. “Press in.. as far as you can go... like you're digging out a sesame seed... you may BE digging out a sesame seed... Yes! Yes! That's it!”
I wish I could describe the semenal dribble down his chin, but as I work through my last decade of life, I just manage to produce a Nik-L-Nip. Gone before either of us knows it.
My tippling punk releases me and I squeeze out another drop.
“Now,” I say, stuffing in and zipping up. “What were you trying to say?”
“Did you hear the new Social Distortion album?” he asks.
“No,” I tell him. “Should I?”
“It sucks,” he says. “They've gone... I donno... bad.”
I like the guy. Smart, attractive, skin the color of a Sam Adams bottle. Oh yeah! But an 18-year old punk with a mohawk may not be the best judge of music. So I check the real experts-- the guys who write the reviews on Amazon.com.
From Amazon 1: I don't think that there was Social Distortion album that I didn't like until this one. It just doesn't sound like them. Yes, I agree that bands, like people evolve and change, but that doesn't always mean it's a good thing.
From Amazon 2: Wow, this record is amazing....amazing in its mediocrity. Is this Social D, or is this the new Goo Goo Dolls album? Is Mike Ness trying to be the next John Mellencamp? Was this record pushed out to fulfill a contractual obligation? Was it dumbed down to get a single played on lamestream radio? Did aliens come down and abduct the band and replace them with Social D. clones?
The songs are pedestrian, the band is uninspired, the guitar solos are weak, the lyrics are every cliché pulled from the last four albums, and the vox are overproduced and sanitized. Where's that punch in the mouth I expect from a Social D. song?
Looks like the band tried something new. That's how fans are, right? Keep remaking that first album. If you don't, you're slowing down... changing... getting old... And getting old is getting bad, right?
My Mohawked pal (I call him Punky Brewster) shakes his head.
“You're old, Mykel,” he says. “But I'm here giving you a blow job because I respect what you're doing. You've never made an Artless At The Jazz Lounge album. You've stayed punk for 40 years!
FLASH AHEAD: It's gonna be a great show. My friends, Cojoba, are opening. Then comes Death First, a band I don't know. Then, MDC yes.. THAT MDC: Millions of Dead Cops, Millions of Damn Christians, Multi-Death Corporation, My Dog Charlie. THAT one. Then the (British) Sub-Humans. Wow!
When Punky and I get to the show, the place is already packed. The main stage isn't open yet, so we crowd into the bar downstairs. I buy a beer and slip it to Punky. He sucks on it greedily. That's my boy!
The show is masterful. Cojoba and Death First wow the crowd... set 'em pogoing! (I shit you not.) Both bands have girl singers. Cojoba is Hispanic enough to cause one of those hour-plus erections that the commercials warn you about.
Death First are plain killer in the best sense of the word. Though few people know their songs, the crowd loves 'em.
And speaking of the crowd, I'm amazed and delighted by it. Mixed ages (I'm not even the oldest!) and genders. After the first two bands, kids who barely saw last century sing along with the Sub-humans and MDC. Yeah! These kids know the words!
No, the bands don't jump around like they used to. They look older. They ARE older. They probably dribble semen instead of spray it into the back of the throat. But it still is quality semen.
FLASH AHEAD TO CALIFORNIA: I'm with Rebecca (name changed because she'd want it that way). I've known her since 1982... had a crush on her the whole time... didn't come to anything though. She's since gotten married, dropped a couple puppies, started a consulting business. We used to have very similar musical tastes. She, like me, is friends with Dave, the MDC singer.
“Hey, I saw MDC and the Sub-humans in New York,” I tell her.
“Really?” she says, “They're doing one of those stupid reunion shows?”
“But it wasn't stupid,” I say. “They were really punkrock. And there were these kids... same age as yours... they knew all the songs.”
She shakes her head. “Don't they feel stuck? Doing the same songs for 30 years? Don't they know what people think of them? Another bunch of old farts, getting together to live on their past. It's sad. It must be a kind of hell.”
FLASH FURTHER AHEAD: When I get back to New York, I hit the computer. Right to Google, god of everything that's true in the world. I enter, “boring old bands reuniting and touring” and in 0.34 seconds I get “About 3,280,000 results.” I don't look at any of them.
The May issue of MRR was filled with people lamenting “reunion bands.” In California, I saw leaflets urging a boycott of Steve Ignorant's tour doing Crass songs. Dead bands should stay dead is the call.
And in the June MRR issue, a columnist who usually plays contrarian, not only jumps full force on the reunion band bashing bandwagon, but crawls to the front to beat the dead horse dragging the thing. Old people should just die, he says.
Well. Sin Arte, (the Mexican version of ARTLESS, with me singing), is reuniting for one show in Agua Prieta in August. Along with us will be La Merma and Solución Mortal-- two of the most hardcore Mexican bands from the 80s. You wanna make somethin' of it?
Jeezus fuckin' Christ. If a band who loves playing tours when they're past 50, they're a sad bunch of old farts living in the past. When they try something new, they're pedestrian and uninspired. Why not just take a job selling insurance? Better yet, kill yourself... make it spectacular.
Listen kids, youth is NOT an asset. Just because your face sags a bit, your hair falls out, you dribble instead of shoot, you are no less inspired or creative. Your songs have no less value in 2011 than they did in 1981. Go ahead, complain because someone is old. I hope that's a condition you never face.
Listen adults, maturity is NOT an asset. Giving up a dream is not progress. Being realistic is defeat. Why should I settle for real life when I can live the fantasy? I've been doing it for a long time and while I don't have money or property... I LOVE my life. You? Get married or an MBA or something. See how much you love YOUR life. You can pick your maturity out of my asshole like a sesame seed... then eat it.
It may take me slightly longer to fill that martini glass with viscous white semen from my aged balls. But fill it I will. Then I'll drink a spermata toast to every creaky old guy or gal... waddling on stage... temporarily ditching the walker for a guitar... inhaling oxygen through a tube attached to a tank on wheels... whaling out those last few chords before coughing up blood... I'll be singing along. I already know the words.
ENDNOTES: [email subscribers (firstname.lastname@example.org) or website viewers (www.mykelboard.com) will get live links, extra endnotes and a chance to post comments on the column]
-->Conflict of interest dept: Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas will vote on the constitutionality of the health care reform law. He has already profited from opposition to that law. His wife has taken nearly $700,000 from health care opponents and now openly advertises herself as a crack lobbyist with the "experience and connections" to overturn the law of the land.Seventy-five congressional representatives signed a letter to Justice Thomas calling on him to recuse himself from deliberations related to health care. I'm sure he'll take himself right out of the case. Yeah, right. And the world will end on May 21.
-->And why does Al Qaeda hate us? They're jealous of our freedom! dept: One out of every 100 Americans is in jail. One out of 39 are in jail, paroled or somehow in the criminal injustice system. More Negroes are in jail than were slaves before the Civil War.What do you mean FREEDOM, whiteboy?
-->And why do the conservatives hate Obama? dept: The ACLU reports that Abdullah al-Kidd was arrested and never charged with a crime He was never asked to testify. But he spent 16 days in harsh detention, sometimes held naked and shackled hand-and-foot. The ACLU fought the case in the lower courts, and the court agreed with them. The Obama Administration is fighting that decision.
-->Speaking of Obama dept: AARP reports that Obama has named one “entertainer” to join his Council for Community Solutions. That's a group that's supposed to help reduce youth unemployment and help poor people in general. Of course, our pal Barak chose someone from the lower ranks of society, who really understands the problems of the poor. Russel Simmons... yeah right. Would you believe Jon Bon Jovi?
-->Just discovered dept: BARRACK in Australian English means "to cheer for a team or player." They don't use root in that context, because root means "to fuck" in Australian English. Interesting, because a similar word BARACK in American English, means BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.
-->Catch THE OTHER GUY dept: Car & Travel Magazine reports that 52% of Americans feel "less safe" on the road than they did a year ago. It also reveals:66% of poll-answerers report talking on their cellphone while driving
24% say they were texting or e-mailing while driving
25% say they drove when they were so tired they had a hard time keeping their eyes open.
Despite this, 66% support having more police on the road to catch traffic violators.
-->Modify THAT baby! dept: In spite of strong opposition from the organic community, the USDA approved the unrestricted cultivation of genetically engineered alfalfa. The approval included no requirements to prevent contamination of organic and non-GE crops. Genetically engineered alfalfa does not have to be labeled so that consumers can identify it.
-->But not this one dept: Among the dozens of bills awaiting Arizona Governor Jan Brewer's action are several that didn't pass until the final hours of the legislative session. Most of these provoked controversy or needed last-minute fixes to get through. They include Senate Bill 1307, which bans human-animal hybrids. It won narrow approval in both chambers of the legislature. Opponents ridiculed its attempt to legislate actions that they say have no foundation in reality, with Democrats cracking jokes about minotaurs and mermaids.
-->Let's go back to the past dept: In 1949, the United Nations launched a universal campaign for the decriminalization of prostitution. It failed. Now, I'm afraid, the foot is in the other mouth.
-->Further back in the past dept: According to recent historical evidence, Empress Wu Hou of the Chinese Tang dynasty (683-705) insisted that all visiting dignitaries perform oral sex on her as a way of paying homage.
Without knowing it, I've been copying the Empress for the last 50 years. Must be royalty in the blood
-->The Tea Party says China will beat us dept: No, it's not because of the oral sex. Instead, the tea party is running TV ads on how the Chinese are going to take over because of high US corporate taxes. They forgot, however, to connect their propaganda to the facts. Jim Hightower reports that in the 1950s, 30 percent of the US tax revenues came from corporations. In the 2010s that number is 6.6 percent. General Electric notoriously paid NO TAXES last year. Now, what's China going to do about that when they take over?
Mykel's homepage is here.